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Gwenivere

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Everything posted by Gwenivere

  1. So sorry about your hands and strength, Kay. Neither of us is forwardly progressing. It’s so frustrating seeing more limits. I spent the whole day trying to get all the pain clinic doctors straightened out. Still not done, but put it in their hands. Finally got a blood draw scheduled. The pain just keeps getting worse. Tremors and withdrawal too. My endocrinologist appointment had to be voice yesterday. My counseling looks threatened to be the same Thursday. Don’t know if I can handle a shower today. Intense bathroom issues. Have tax info stacked in front of me to tackle - long questionnaire. Just don’t care. Dreading dinner. Just want to do movie time and play my games. Then the nothingness of sleep which has been being disturbed by dreams I'm remembering them. Dee’s watching the Tom Selleck movies she missed and i'm watching a movie I recorded. I keep some .spares. Since I'm going to try a shower today, I should try not to do my walks when I get up. As much as they hurt, to do, i don't like feeling so limited.
  2. Her van is still at Robin’s house, scheduled to be moved March 9. That should put an end to this stupid war Robin’s waging. Then Dee will return the house key. Make Robin sign to pick it up.as proof it was returned. I've spent the entire afternoon setting up appointments and shuffling existing plans around. Not sure my appointment today will work with enologist. I've been on hold for 35 minutes which is typical. Will just try and see if works tomorrow. I found the invite iin my portal and it would take me now but said my hardware failed. Hasn’t failed anywhere else. Sleeping was very bad. I thought about the ER, but knew they couldn’t stop it. X'rays would be good. I could request thyroid level, but insurance is strict about why you are there. It would be almost worth it for bone density, but that is a request and turned down. I'm hoping I feel a bit better this morning. I don’t like being here, but the ER sounds worse. I hope I won't have to go and also not miss counseling Thursday. Shower Wednesday. Already have an intake Friday that will mess up lunch. Watched last Selleck movie. Great 9 ones. An old one with Paltro and Douglas now.
  3. Same here. Anything I can’t hold with my hands is a mess to eat. Even holding something isn’t truly steady. Woke up Sunday feeling quite nauseous. My oxygen has been dropping like a rock with any walking. Didn’t have my usual Sunday Zoom visit. Dee has started her alcohol withdrawal and getting cranky. The war with Robin needs to end. Van moved by the 9th. My addiction is getting worse tho ‘I’ve changed nothing,, body wants more. I couldn't get any help yesterday from the pain clinic. Don’t know who to call. The clinic just has a nurse to call. Always go to the ER. Don't know how I’ll handle today. The tremors drive me crazy. Had a hard time eating dinner. Brain is so fogged. I should write one line a day. It's not getting better. Just the opposite, and I'm scared.
  4. I don’t have Parkinsons that I know of. Maybe I should add it to the list for the heck of it. I’m pretty sure it's stress and the pain med addiction. This is the worst time ever in my life. Dee has hep C. The cirrhosis is a result. She’s known for a couple years. This added drinking got he r to this. I wanted to cry when she told me yesterday and I have a lot of anger to process. She is extremely anti drug. Got exposed to a used needle somewhere she was living years ago. Then she lost her partner and drank for weeks. I don’t feel right. Light headed, more slouched, things surreal. I’m afraid it may be tolerance. That would be very bad. Can’t really keep up with things. Feel nauseous at times. Had half of a healthy burrito last night, but had no hunger before eating. In the pit all the time. My body didn’t really function yesterday. No digestion activity. I'm dreading today. I am putting my oxygen back u as the intake nurse had me turn it down a bit to make my lungs work harder to get stronger. Not in need of another pursuit. 💕 to you all. Probably a lot of mistakes. Darned iPad messes p text with short cuts.
  5. Your post blew my mind, Marg. Sanity s a good thing too. I miss mine from when the active, laughing days. Problems were solvable. Reality was where I wanted to be. I am now but it’s a horrible place I still don’t think my mind has fully accepted everything that has been lost. Deny as I might.
  6. I’m literally trapped. There is no one I can find that fits my way of living and I’m not going to change it. That would be more than I could mentally handle. Not after decades. No one I could find who would do everything I need, especially cutting and sorting my meds. I hope she can thru the liver treatment. Home Health came out to sign me up for OT & PT. The ball got dropped on a nurse. Have to call on a nurse again and my spine doctor dropped the ball on what I'm supposed to do about my pressure fractures. The pain clinic is really slow to help me with support. I was given a pain patch, but I'm not putting it on til I talk to the doctor. That’s a lot of pan meds. I may need that, but this stuff is different than the oxycodone. I just don’t have enough information. Dee was drinking Thursday night. Too much and became hostile again. Last night she didn’t at all and conceded this tapering was not going to work. She did pretty good Friday night. I finally heard from the spine doc there is nothing can be done about the fractures. That is discouraging. I was really hoping I could get some natural relief. We’re getting Chipotle take out tonight. Dinner is so hard with the shakes. If I can’t hold it. I want a taco bowl with pork, but will probably get a burrito. Ah well, it will still be a change. Take what you can get has to be my motto.
  7. Exactly. First, I cant force her. Second, even if I could, if she doesn’t want it, it’s wasted. And she would resent me. Last night she went over her usual limit and became the horridly cruel drunk. Getting on me about my nicotine addiction and how disgusting I am. I don’t smoke, not one in 3 years, but the lozenges. Damn, she’s back about if I'm using her. I said no, but that means thinking she’s stupid. I’m agreeing with everything she says to stop her attacks but you can’t when she’s like this. She’s trying to run my life. Telling me all the things I'm doing wrong. Kinda ironic. Some agency nurse coming right after I get up. Within 15 minutes. An assessment for my home health needs. I can’t even think at that time so I don’t know ow this will go. Dee is supposed to help. This will mess up exercise, lunch and how we will make peace. Counseling* was by phone. Jinny’s Zoom was messed up. I really needed a friendly face. Too much irony. I don't know what I did to have all this happen. Can there be this coincidence in one person’s life? I want someone sane like Steve who can make me feel tis is worth it.
  8. Dee. won’t do AA and I can’t force her. If she left I wouldn’t be able to be alone. She does so much here. I’ve explained this many times about agencies and time blocks they work in. I don’t like being trapped, but I am for now. I don’t want someone I don’t know living here. It’s also very expensive. I love the way you put that Marg. We all have so much on our minds. So many years of experience to process and learn fro. We never stop as long as we breathe. I hate when people look at us old people and think that. And we have so much more to do. Very serious issues now as we are in the lesser amount of time ahead of us. I'm so happy for you that you’re kids are there and involved. I’ve seen many peoples who are not. Today I get a call to set up time for assessment for a physical program with PT in it. My doc says it won’t help me. Not this kind of disability. No chance of standing up more as the spine s too compromised. Needs rods and would compromise bending. I want the nurse and possibly OT. Find out when I talk to them Friday. Rather have my housekeeper otherwise. Nothing but paradise in the headlights. 😰
  9. I don’t know what the future holds for Dee and me and just myself. It will never be right. I’m so physically compromised as well with this hardware inside me. I will always be at the mercy of that. I don’t know how someone is supposed to live like this day after day. Knowing you’ll never go anywhere again on your own. You’ll never feel ANY of the normal you once knew. Found out Dee has been drinking every night. She faces the withdraels before her liver treatment. She’s going to be very sick. I told her I would stand by her, but I will lose my cool often. When/if she crosses lines, I'm pushing back and pulling back. Time for me to get sleep. Got t(ru my shower. Have lots of c alls today I hate doing. It’s going to be a horrible day.
  10. Keeping you and Marley in my thoughts, Karen. Yes, they are worth our everything. They give us theirs. 🥰
  11. I don’t hire Dee. I didn’t know she had the mental problems she has when I invited her to live here. I have no fear she would ever physically harm me. It is her verbal interactions that’s hard to abide. Finding someone to fit my needs is going to be huge. This isn’t a formal caregiver situation. We are roommates and friends. We help each other, tho my physical ability to help her is very limited. I can help her navigate the medical side of her upcoming treatments. I'm so extremely depressed. I just want to cry. I’m not doing anything that the doctors have suggested. I care because of how I physically feel, but mentally I feel paralyzed. Supposed to be a shower day today. It’s unbelievable how bad I feel. Finished a series on TV. I tried to get lost in it. Too anxious. Wish I could look forward to going to sleep. But I know what the morning brings. Back to this inner darkness. Will have to decide if I want the housekeeper on Friday. I'm not the nicest person to be around. I want clean but also don’t care. Maybe morning won’t come.
  12. Hard Sunday after one of the worst nights before. Dee in a total lack out. My walking worse. Having to have another talk. Facing another night of reminders of my condition and if I can do anything to stabilize it. Means a message 5o the surgeons office. Dee's not doing well on her old meds and dosage, which got doubled. Talks to doc on Wednesday. Sent a message to my back doc about it getting worse. Time slipped away again. Just want a ‘normal' day. So tired of how messed up they’re become.
  13. She definitely understands the devastation alcohol has on the body. Bu that is part of the disease and addiction. I see it regarding my oxycodone. I have no choice either about continuing to use it. My advantage is I can slowly taper down unlike booze. That is an abrupt stop. Alcohol also affects many other major organs. My opiate is more neural.They are both very bad. Those of you with personal experience or close people know. The view one being prescribed gives us more empathy. Treats alcoholics very poorly. That s an actual affliction. I grew up with it in my family. Saw it’s effects. Saw the battles, wins and losses. Haven’t looked into tea as I don’t like tea and only drink water. With my pain, little things like making it to try are monumental tasks. I'm not exaggerating. Very long and hard night with Dee. I’m exhausted. Trying to juggle her and my stuff. Plus feeling very ill. Hours after the waking up shock are so bad. Eating is dreaded. I’m redundant and hate it. So sorry. I so want Stee. 😨
  14. Any transportation creates the same problem. Dee could drive now if needed. It’s the oxygen, in and out of cars, tracking down wheelchairs and praying diarrhea doesn’t kick in a s well as no anxiety attack that are the hitches. Don’t know when Dee's treatment starts. Waiting on her paperwork to take to the hospital. Helping her put together a list of questions for the doc of how this could impact day to day life. I need to know what I should be aware of. I’m so limited in what I can do. That’s very frustrating. I’m trying to balance my stuff at the same time. Don’t know how we’ll each do this. We had a good ev evening last night. Being one night back on her meds coincidentally helped. Unfortunately I felt sicker. Barely can keep my weight up, huge bloating, huge! Eating is almost torture. 3 weeks before I really start the pain clinic plan. Still waiting to hear if the one in person doc will make an exception. Next week I only have one Zoom with my counselor. Then things start picking up. Dee starts her stuff. I don’t escape lots of calls tho. Sleep is still rough too. Which is where I'm heading. Try for another day of denial that I should be in a facility and need lots of tests. Being hunched over so much doesn’t answer answer this digestive problems and talk of it brings up colon tests that I'm terrified of. Very cold here and more coming. No snow which is good. 💕 to you all.
  15. Tune out the liver treatment is a day to day thing. No overnights. But it won’t feel good. I’m not sure she will be able to drive which will create a huge problem. She lives in a delirium all evening. It’s terrible. I’m feeling really s ick too. Lots of anger. Paranoia. Counseling was taken up by this. I can’t get out of an in person appointment with the bone and joint guy at this pain clinic. Don’t know what I'm going to do about that. Still scared about the new meds. Have to try and get some sleep. Lots of time to freak out today. Have to make a phone appointment with the clinic pharmacist but I haven’t talked to my doc yet. So frigging complicated.
  16. Dee stopped her meds because they were making her stumbling. I didn’t realize they were antidepressants. Explained a lot. Waiting to hear she got them replaced. Won’t cure the brain damage, but definitely get her thinking back to baseline. She got a definite sirrosis (sp) of the liver diagnose. Will be 6 weeks in the hospital. I’m terrified for her, but I know she’s suicidal about the deaths in her life. This disease makes her impossible to be around. I’m praying she doesn’t keep us up all night. She’s ben loco since being home. Got meds but I don’t know what I can do as I tried to call the on call doctor but she ripped the phone away. I’m hoping she’s fallen asleep as it’s been many she hasn’t had any. I’m hoping she wakes up this morning. Got my pain patches but waiting till I have conferred with the clinics doctor and pharmacist. That is weeks. Got my piddly prescriptions from my shrink for my panic disorder. What's happening with Mike, Kay? And how is your dog, Karen? I cleaned the microwave last night. We talked about a lot of things before she flipped out. Maybe she drank it was definitely worse after her walk when she does. For once I hope it was. 😨
  17. I understand your post. What I can't do is find the smallest good thing. When you are truly isolated, there isn’t even a stranger's wave or smile.
  18. Karen, as i've said, my heart goes out to you. Our ‘families' are everything and pets are more than that. I've decided not to replace, fix or remove the freeze. I can’t get there anyway. Costs so much to have it removed. Just have to get a couple more loaves of bread and shredded cheese. Called 911 Monday night about 3:15 pam. Dee was acting too strange. Still is from being off her antidepressant for pain and sleep. Medics came out and she yelled at me, turned on lights for over an hour so I lost a lot of sleep. You can’t stop them cold turkey so she’s still really off. Fortunately a doc appointment today. She won’t/can’t stop talking and babbling the same things repeatedly. She did have a drink while cleaning out the freezer. Now I'm in trouble for not saying Happy Valentine Day (which I did))or getting her a gift. It’s never been a holiday Steve or I did. I consider it a Hallmark holiday. I’m praying some meds clear her head up quickly. I don’t have a good feeling about the rest of tonight. I violated a ‘street code about calling the cops. Told her, sorry, I don’t know those rules. Just frantic about her physical wellbeing. I’m afraid to say a word or make a move. I gave her more ammunition by that call. I wrote too much. Have 2 doc calls today. Pain doc called. Supposed to start a patch with the pills. Scared. Life’s just peachy.
  19. There is no way they can until it happens, not imagining. You and I are on the same timeline. 8 years. Many have opinions that mean nothing. I tried to imagine it when I saw it coming. I was so wrong. Blessings? Nope. The loneliness that it brings is too much. And it repeats over and over again. I'm so glad some have found something to escape a bill. I used to have some, but lost them to my health and covid restrictions. I would love to go back to it, but I’m really physically restricted. Hugs to you, Ana. 💕
  20. My Direct TV is. A little over $100. Lots o& channels, but little very watchable. I haven’t found any other packages less than that without premium channels. My utilities are low for the summer and very high in the winter as would be expected. I'm so sorry, Karen. Please keep us informed on what is going on with Markets bloodwork. Not going to say anything about Dee tonight. It’s too messed up. Hoping I can get through a shower as always. I’m very upset for sleep. Today and Wednesday will be screwed lunches, actually hardly any with doctors all day tomorrow. My garage freezer died. Massive food in the trash. All didn’t need to be, but Dee wouldn’t listen to me. Nothing I could do. It was only a couple days and breads were fine. Not replacing it.
  21. That is exactly how I fee Ana. I wake everyday wondering how l'll survive another one. I know that is my remaining future on this plane.
  22. No, not bipolar. Relapsing alcoholic and brain damage. I got her to commit to getting help in the morning. She had no memory of he r binge Saturday night. She came out of it just before I went to bed. She had gone almost 3 years without a sip, but things are too much now to do herself. She had to accept that. Says she does. All I can do is say she has no choice if she wants to stay here. Strange day today with Dee out watching the Super Bowl with a friend. I didn’t record the news as I normally do. Had my Zoom call with Nina which is always a bit strained. She always seems bored. I always feel I have to try and keep it going or she would sit there not saying much. That was tougher today as I didn’t want to bore her with the med stuff. She doesn’t seem very interested in that, not that I blame her. Was telling her about relief I didn’t get pictures of Mel. We did talk about the old days when I'd take Ally and Mel over to play with her kids. Ive never met her new dog of 3 years between covid and surgery. The other will be 9 soon. Seems like not so long ago she was a puppy. We did moan about daylight savings this year. I really wish our congress people would get us out of it. All we do is gripe about it every year. Just so not needed anymore. I'm going to call Direct TV. If I get an interest DVR, I need to know if I have to (ave a smart TV. If I do I have too much stuff I couldn’t stream I've collected. I think I was told I did. Sad when you’re li&e revolves around that.
  23. True, but some have more reason than others. Dee definitely does. I’m not making excuses for her. It’s how she handles them, tho even there she has physical brain damage from abuse. Trying to work within that is huge. Friday night she said I said something cruel and hurtful. She was sober and stayed that way. One thing she has ever done is lie to me. I honestly do not recall saying it. Other conversations I do. She said I didn’t think she could ever quit. When she cornered me later I didn’t know what to say. I would never knowingly say anything to hurt someone. She insists I did. Now I I'm doubting myself. It’s a very bad feeling. I never want so deliberately hurt anyone. I don’t know how people that do live with themselves. I need to talk with her about this need for lots of attention when she does something she feels is impressive. I acknowledge it, ***********************g I wrote the above before the worst, so far, crazy behavior yet. Nice dinner and then coming out to the living room to wild accusations. All over the map. First about losing her best friend, gave sympathy, advice about what to say to Robin, seemed appreciative. Then a 180 to how how horrible and cruel I am. Name calling. actual mistakes I've made and apologized for and others completely fictional. I’m staying away from her but she can attack. A couple hours later she’s acting normal again. This is weird. The non engagement method Jinny suggested worked this time. Discussing it is a whole different matter. Got a card from Melody’s care givers was a jolt. I was afraid there were pictures. That would have been too much. It was a nice 'thinking of you' and her missing her momma. Lot's doing the Super Bowl. Hope they enjoy it. I talk to Nina hopefully.
  24. I can’t imagine not having peanut butter! I live n the stuff for lunch every day. I’m not trying to lose weight tho. Also having a tough time eating being so slouched. Grass always looks greener on the other side. I’d love to walk. 🙂
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