Gwenivere

I long to be home again too, Jim. Those words leapt out at me so vividly. I don’t know if that will ever happen, as I have no idea about afterlives. All I know now is that this once home is now I house I occupy with memories instead of life. My companion now is old age and so many things we would be doing or facing together. Nothing has much meaning. I admire your getting Nancy’s artwork out there. I wish I could do the same with Steve’s music. I’m not tech savvy enough to do websites or even know where to put it. Just trying to survive day to day in this nothingness I feel insude without him. Want to care about something again beyond what has to be done because I am alive. So odd to be that and only feel it thru pain. It will always be Steve and Gwen in my heart. Inhope you'll share the link when you get this completed.

I really don’t get class reunions. I didn’t much care for most people in my high school and really never have give a rip about them after I left. It just seems a way for people to show off as ones without continued connection don’t need that venue. My 10th I did want to go to only to show off to the new chubby cheerleaders my blossoming, thus proving my point. But I didn’t. And at 20 to now over 40 years later? I really don’t give a darn. Barely remember a few peoples names. I don’t know why you call yourself selfish. We all have the right to choose what we want to remember. I don’t think any of us are selfish for that. It’s our lives. I don’t want to focus on some decades old argument or hurtful situation. I remember the good ones instead. They just sting a bit now because they were good and so little of that kind of stuff happens now. Miss that. Why are you switching docs if you’re OK with yours? Is this the doc that prescribes your Xanax? I ask because I’ve not found any that will when I lost mine that did and had to find a psychiatrist. Maybe they aren’t so restrictive where you are. Trying to get decent pain killers here is a monumental task. As I’ve said before, what’s the use of these meds if docs are basically threatened not to use them? Steve got to have anything he wanted because he was going to die. Pretty harsh criteria. i can't find it now, but somewhere you asked me about combining Xanax and clonopin (thinking I might have mean clonodine). My shrink prescribes both and I’ve been on the combo for decades. Xanax is so short acting while clonopin lasts longer, but not as effective. I was once switched to it exclusively and it’s not a go to med for panic. What I am careful about is taking my half Vicodin not near when I take the others for the chance of breathing issues. Plan for the day after counseling is grocery for a few essentials. Our temps are going to get near 80 by Friday and that is always miserable here with the ocean humidity. My goal is to be able to do this shopping without too much pain or standing still too long. the stress of all this med crap is upping my pain and anxiety. Worsening depression. Now my doc wants to add in a dermatologist for my legs. Oh joy, another specialist and probably more tests to hobble in for.. my social life a calendar of doc crap. Since February nothing has gotten better, in fact worse and more complicated. 4 docs and tests and no answers. . i wish diving into a bag of chips still helped. But digestion is messed up too. Weds pity party aka Gwen.

I’m guessing George Carlin couldn’t say the phrase correctly because of old censorship. I have a coffee mug that says....life’s a bitch, then you die. Actually life was pretty darned good til Steve got sick and died. Sure wish he had that slow growth prostate cancer as I, too, heard many men die of something else before that.

I wish it could be rectified, Dee. But that is my insurance plan. I only paid attention to deductibles. I don’t pay for anything now (meds, routine copays, supplies), but if I was in rehab again, the same rules would apply. So that back surgery would cost me for that. I just checked my hospital stay and will be hit for that too. So 2 weeks there ought to be right up there too, if not more. I thought the experience was nightmare enough, I was wrong. This always illuminates to me how our health care system is in the dark ages compared to other countries. There are times 'socialism' is a good thing where we are all equal. It made me so sad when I dropped off a donation at a local church that feeds homeless on Sundays. These people came from a tent city across the street and low income people that drove there toget meals to take home. They would never get critical care if needed. It isn’t right. Hospitals have to provide emergency care, but they are not required to admit people with no way to pay. I remember watching Jimmy Kimmel tearfully talk about his sons heart surgery (which requires 2 more thru his teens) and how he could afford it, but how wrong it was for a regular family. I saw many children at this homeless camp. Add the pandemic on top of it and it’s heartbreaking.

Since this pandemic started in a long term facility here, they are really into infection control. Absolutely no people in or out except staff and lots of daily testing. I, too, am concerned about phase 2 and I am desperate for more places to open. But if it creates more cases because many people are lax, we could be set back to start over. My understanding is it easier spread by touch. Droplets do linger in air, but as long as the person with it wears a mask it should cut down on it substantially. Now the virus is back in China with a variation which is scary since they had totally contained it. One person spread it to 5 and there ya go. It takes off to new hosts again. Steve was my hardest loss, my mother, all our furry kids, my dad and a friend that disappeared into the streets of Portland 2 years ago I feel has died due to his circumstances. Every death sucks a little more life out of me and I had gone to half of one losing Steve. Watching the changes in Ally tears me up. I’m so on edge that Melody doing that morning bile vomiting they do has me thinking she is sick with something serious. I called about an insurance charge I didn’t understand and things snowballed and found out I’m on the hook for $3000 for my rehab stay. Talk about about blindsided. I don’t know if this will be the same for the hospital where I was before transferred. I cried thru my whole counseling session. I can’t see anything to keep fighting for to stay here. Day after day it’s something. They didn’t find anything wrong after my vein scan, yet I’m still in massive pain and obvious changes in my legs. My doc said to go to urgent care if it continues. I told him I’ve done that 3 times already and every time they were stumped and did nothing. The only thing I keep getting offered is back surgery. Don’t want it for the risks and being separated from my kids. Circumstances are different when this was discussed last year. I also know more about outcomes which the docs don’t tell you. Just like the injection they wanted to give me. Both people I know that had them said they didn’t last long for the risk. I’m just discouraged how more trapped I seem to be getting. I’m amazed all you have been thru, Kay and sound much better than I would. You are a petite thing, ain’t ya? One of my best friends was 4’11 and I was 5’11.

This relationship is definitely part of my survival. I do have to say the Sunday chats are helpful in its limits because I need to talk to someone I don’t pay once a week. If Steve was here I could take it or leave it. Contact is a good description. You’re right that we can often see others being bullied than ourselves. That’s why I value all of your opinions. You only hear my side tho. I try and be as honest as possible of what occurs on both sides. Nina is not an affectionate person that I have ever seen. I’ve never seen her even tear up. Empathy is not a word I would use in describing her ever. She excels in research, planning and getting a job done. Social situations make her very nervous. The 3 best friends I have had I expected to last my whole life. They were that tight for a long time. It’s not unusual to hear people are friends since childhood. But not everyone falls into the best friend importance. I’ve known many people that I knew were not forever people and we didn’t have the 'magic' between us. I accepted them as it was. So when they ended I was not devastated. Thanks, Kay for caring so much to write what you did about love and affection. That means so much. I had my vein scan today. The tech was great and we both commented that if we were closer in age we would probably be friends. She knew her stuff and it only took a bit over an hour, not the 2+ hours they told me. Unfortunately, it did flare up the stenosis and I came home to clean up where Melody threw up AGAIN. 2nd morning she’s done that. It was still early in the afternoon so I went out to get some microwave Mac and cheese and the one I had the seal had broken and it was swollen. So into the trash for that. I had thawed some veggies to mix in so wanted to get it split for 2 meals. Anyway, lots of activity I wasn’t used to. There was a message for me from the back surgeon to call to set a date. Have to write him and say I’m still undecided. I need a break from that pressure and want to find out these test results. The tech said she didn’t see anything serious so I don’t know where it goes from here. She said it really looked cellulitis. She would know doing this every day. I just need to set up a call with my doc. That’s about all I can handle at this point. I cancelled the steroid injection for Wednesday. I was looking at myself in the mirror getting dressed and said 'I hate getting old'. It’s just so frustrating when in my head I feel so much younger and think of all the things I could be doing if this damned pain wasn’t so intense. I can do some, but others are either impossible or too costly later. Wish I could 'flop' down on the couch or bed, not have it be a frigging ritual. Next up is trying to get my hair cut. That will help with showers and in general. The cheap places are booking instead of walk ins. They won’t let me book for a few days later which I don’t understand at all. It has to be that day and since I get up at noon, everything is gone. If I thought I could make sense at 8-9am when I get up to let the dogs out I’d call. Just have to wait out the crowds. We are looking at going to phase 2 so more people will be hitting them. I’m so sick of masks and not being able to really see people. Heck, I’m sick of everything.

I know what you meant, Karen. Yes, friendships are risky. I never expected that the 3 close ones I had in my life, not counting Steve, would end. I thought bonds like that were unbreakable. .i felt so fortunate having 3. There’s always been casual people in my life, but some imposters that I let get to me. I’ve learned from that and now I have no friends anymore in person. I’ve grown close to some here and at the nursing home. Actually I do have one guy I’m pretty sure would help me with emergencies. It’s so odd how full my life felt a mere 5 years ago. It’s like someone pulled the plug and my life tub drained away. I’m used to not feeling important now. Kinda comes with the territory these days. Has been going in for a long time, just more aware of it more now that I need help facing med crap. Seems there is never a break. Was going to try and rest my back yesterday but one of the dogs threw up so my first task after getting dressed was getting out the shop vac to clean my only 2 day steam cleaned carpets. Wish I could have called a friend. If you are fortunate to have one, cherish them.

Kay, we all know how hard birthdays are. What do we say on such days to the survivor? That we understand. I hope George could feel your love. 💖

I’m the one that set content limits because I didn’t want to be judged or given answers to things she didn’t understand. I totally agree with your definition of a friend. That is why I don’t describe her that way. I always refer to her as a 'woman I know' or an 'acquaintance'. I think she has traces of asbergers. If it were me I wouldn’t have even mentioned the 2 other calls as a reason for being short. I would have done as you said and said I, unfortunately, needed to keep it short today. I’d never want someone to feel they were a charity chat. And yes, I can tell you don’t care for her. We get along about politics, entertainment, share cooking tips, etc. that’s good enough. I do feel she would help in a dog crisis. It is alien to me to lose a beloved companion and immediately buy another one. I was alone with Ally after losing Steve and Belle a couple months apart. I git Melody 2 months after he left as the opportunity presented itself. I understand wanting to have your family unit the count it was, but she knows nothing about losing half the core. I do understand why your aunts words would hurt you. I am bracing for hearing the same. People that don’t have beloved companions, not just a dog or cat, don’t get it just like they don’t get losing a partner. It’s a lonely place to be and we can only talk with others that have experienced it. Your response make perfect sense. Also about your once friend that you had to remove from your life. I have one of those too. I miss the woman I knew, but she changed into someone I didn’t and didn’t fit with me anymore. I miss her from time to time. Last I heard she wanted to make a better effort. Not a peep since. Thanks to you all for the input. I feel more valued now. 💖

Found a huge trigger yesterday, didn’t even think about it until after and why I was feeling so unsettled. It’s silly to anyone not in our position. I went to check out a new fancy grocery store, the kind with expensive stuff because it’s more natural and caters to people who like paying twice the amount for stuff. I’m a regular chain market shopper. Doesn’t cost to look and see how much people were overpaying. A little game I could play. The hitch was it opened where an Albertsons that was my go to store until they closed it. This morning I woke up thinking about how It replaced where I did most of our shopping. Where I typically stopped everyday on the way home from volunteering. Where I bought 99%of Steve’s Mountain Dew and Coke’s. Little cakes for his birthday an flowers for the table. It had a branch of our bank. I knew all the employees. Bought his Sunday BBQ meats from. Bought Lotto tickets, did banking and rented movies. It was like a death when it closed and now it’s replaced with this shiny new place that is totally alien. It makes me......mad as well as sad. The old place closed shortly after Steve died. Sat vacant and chained up. Talk about being a crazy headed widow! It fit how I felt. So I get up and dressed and find one kid threw up on the newly cleaned carpets (there goes the back for the day) and an email from a woman I always talk to on Sunday afternoon on Zoom now instead of in person. She tells me she has 2 other calls to do and ours will be short because she will be 'Zoomed out', but she knows it’s one of my very few social outlets (true) and she has a big cooking job for their dinner. OK, I’m all for honesty, but am I being too sensitive to feeling like a charity case for talking to? We definitely have boundaries regarding grief she doesn’t understand and differences in fur baby styles. I know she thinks I am over dramatic about being widowed. Doesn’t treat my babies like she overdoes hers. She also doesn’t understand the life altering pain I am in constantly and feels I should upend my life easily and have all these surgeries. She doesn’t get she has a full life going. Some bumps in the road getting older, but nothing like this. I know she feels I should have let my elder dog go as she has health problems and poops In the house sometimes. That she, the dog, is still eating, patrolling her turf and makes friends with people and is content tells me absolutely not. She also says 'put them down' unlike Donna’s beautiful saying of getting wings or mine of letting them go. She’s hard in her choice of words. She recently lost a dog herself and within days had another puppy doodle on order. Her life is so organized with purpose and meaning. It’s no wonder we can’t really connect. Is it just me, but I think there are times to alter how I express things or omit them if I feel they might be upsetting to the recipient? I also don’t offer opinions unless asked. If I were to adopt her style I’d say don’t bother to call, I see I’m not that important and a task for you. I don’t want to tell you about what’s really going on with me because I need to feel like I matter and you don’t help me feel that. i keep the connection because she is needed for emergencies with the kids. What does that say about me? Desperation in loneliness? I don’t know how I feel about me now. So I’ll listen politely about her stuff. Play down mine. Will have a good cry later. Maybe call my cousin as she actually likes talking to me no matter what. I talked to a resident at Foss last night. He likes me too. No judgements. have any of you had to be someone else just fior a connection? If so, how does it make you feel?

You are right, Kay, about looking too far ahead. But that is something we can’t do right away, not look at feeling life is over for us too. The shock is too much in the beginning. At that time, the world ended. It takes time we don’t feel like we have to come to a level of 'acceptance' this is real, we can’t go back and the void will never be filled. An occasion they don’t have those 'idiot' or 'dummy' guide books for. If we had dry enough eyes to read them.

You won’t live this way forever, but it’s still so soon to even imagine that. You are very fortunate to have your friends even if they don’t get it. It so helps to be thought of the best way they can. I am assuming they are letting you be who you are right now and can listen without trying to 'fix' you. I dint say this to be discouraging, but it’s going to take a lot of time before you can find a rhythm or routine that fits you as time passes. Jenna will always be in there in your heart and maybe some actions too. I found keeping our bed, eating and sleeping times the same the best for me. There were enough other things to adjust to. Mostly him not being there obviously. I had to change shopping, cooking and some cleaning habits from the void created. I’ve still never adjusted to not having someone to talk to about daily little things much less problems that were his turf to conquer. Never planned on aging alone and all that brings. Kieron made an observation in another topic about depression and grief going hand in hand. So very true. Depression and grief can manifest in so many ways. You have so much to process in yourself that I can understand not wanting to socialize much. It’s kind you have caring people, but you have to have time to yourself. I hope you make that time and don’t pressure yourself to attend all invites. I found it a step to adjust to the loneliness as best I could because being with people at first intensified coming home to a forever changed life. I can’t count how many things I turned down for months. My work was volunteering so I pretty much called the shots for my time. Only you know if you have the concentration for structured work. Some find it helpful, some find it overwhelming. All you can do is try if you feel ready. I know all these decisions probably feel overwhelming. That is so normal. You’re going to hate hearing that soon. There is nothing in this loss that that feels remotely normal. As with all of us, your choices, triggers, feelings and expression will be uniquely yours. Fortunately there is always someone or more here that can relate to each. You are not alone here with the newly found empathy we’ve all learned.

Kay, I’ll be thinking of you come early July. I hate long waits. Too much time to think about it. Then the time comes and I think, this should have been over weeks ago. Who will be taking you? Will this affect your sleeping? We all have our favorite positions. Do you have to go back or do they put in disolable stitches? Staples guarantee having to go back in. I’m not familiar with up on this kind of surgery. I’d guess they’d want to see if they got it all. They’d want to follow up all surgeries. My brain is running on stupid today.

I don’t know how your loss occurred, but I can say you are in shock mode. Even if we see it coming, nothing can prepare you for the reality. Any and everything you feel is normal. We all know the stages of grief and they don’t happen orderly. They were also originally written for someone facing their death. But we experience them too. We get more stages as well. I don’t know remember what I felt that first week. I know I was a wreck and cried all the time having to inform many people. The most common advice is to feel what your feeling and don’t try to change it. It’s up to you if you want to talk with people or not. It took me a long time til I could talk about it. If you can, maybe you could write a little more about how you lost him. If you can’t yet, that’s OK. Anger at god is so very normal. Is hard to beleive that a loving diety could cause such pain. I hope you have support from others who share your beliefs.

This opiate restriction does get ridiculous. It’s almost impossible to go 'shopping' for them as all the pharmacies are linked on controlled substances. They don’t take into account elderly or disabled people having to make several trips. Also, it’s punishin people that take their meds as prescribed because of people that have abused them. I have a 3 month pharmacy thru insurance but I’ve never tried my Vicodin as my doc will only write a month at a time if he is feeling generous. Sometimes makes me wonder just how much pain you have to be in to get meds made for it. They exist but getting them is like pulling teeth at times. So, what do they exist for? Sheesh. I remember about a decade ago I was given them at walk in clinics without even asking because it was obvious I was in pain. I really feel for people with incurable painful conditions and undermedicated because of fear of addiction. I’m 'addicted' to Xanax for my panic disorder. I’d rather that than being addicted to my house. I prefer to call it dependent on a medication that gives me my mental freedom. It’s another one I had to find a doc who would prescribe it. Now they want you to take antidepressants that rarely cut it because they are supposedly non addicting. That is such bull. You miss a couple days and you’ll go bonkers. Sorry, kinda strayed off the opiate discussion. Rack it up to another boring, long lonely night.

How do they control doctors actions? Are they more restrictive on what your doctor may want to order if tests are needed? That would be quite distressing to both doctor and patient. My secondary insurance will only pay on what Medicare doesn’t, when the time comes. I wonder if we have to have Medicare. I’m really quite happy with my private insurance. I have a feeling they won’t let me keep them, tho, when I hit 65 as primary or only coverage. I sometimes think at the rate my body is falling apart, I may not make it to November so it would be a moot point. 🤪

I’m scheduled for a cortisone shot in my back next week. Probably am going to cancel. Can’t handle steroids. Plus in my spine feels risky and I read the common side effects for data til you find out if it even works. Steroids also deplete bone mass and that Is dangerous at our ages. I’ve had them in my hands and they did help. But that’s a small area. They won’t fix the problem tho, unless it’s just inflammation. A firm diagnosis is what you need, Kay. I sure hope you wouldn’t need surgery. It’s so frustrating feeling younger in our heads than bodies. I’m not asking perfection, but I know I got more than my share for my age. 2 of mine are usually mid to late 70’s, not 64.

Sounds complicated, Marg. All I know is Medicare is for anyone at 65 unless I’m missing something. Everyone I know on it likes it and the trick is to get what they don’t cover covered by supplements. I don’t look at it as a handout. Paid lots ot taxes over the decades. Time to start getting some of that back. My situation is simpler tho. Hoping I don’t have to physically go in. Steve didn’t make it to 65 so I don’t know the process but heard it could be done by phone since I already have insurance. Steve worked hard for the benefits he didn’t get. This way it stays in the family.

I think we all want, Marg. Not necessarily too much. We want to live as we did because it was so much better than this. I had noticed my cognitive skills really changing and thought it was just me and my crazy brain. Found these articles about what this crazy time is doing to so many people mentally. Worth a read if you feel yourself slipping and alone.

It’s good to hear from you, Mitch. I’m so sorry about Tammys birthday. It never seems to get easier. Your wish is like all of ours. I know what you mean about the public and coming home to this emptiness and not caring about food, tasks etc. I dont know how many times I do it, it just hangs over me. It’s pain pretty much 24/7. The virus makes things worse in so many ways. Intensifies the loneliness as we have to follow rules in moments of connection with other humans. For Tammy and you......hugs and 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

That is the great unknown and gamble. Why.i struggle withba decision. I could only get minor relief for a lot if rehab and loss of more mobility as they basically fuse part of the vertebrae. It’s also documented to only last a couple years as the spine will transfer weight bearing to othepr areas andyou start a road to more surgeries. My SIL has it and many times in the OR. Plus I have vein problems that might require surgery, so it’s all very complicated. That is my 'now'. Why I go to happier times even tho they tear me up. I see loss of Ally in my future so it’s tough to figure out where to be. My other dog is scared of so much. She’s really smart and a good home companion but going out is not her thing. Never had a dog so disinterested in adventure. She’s a great dog but that part is disappointing. She likes hermitude. I don’t. I already miss taking Ally with me places. I can’t hoist her anymore and it’s hard on her as well.

Dee, your story reminds me if an old song I can’t remember the title of, but had the line of no ring, no nothing. I think many men (sorry guys, not you here but there are a lot of them) kinda coast in relationships until something jolts them into seeing their partner is the one. Steve took off for a huge career but the separation of weeks at a time prompted his asking me to come be with him. We didn’t marry til a year later, but I wasn’t expecting it anyway. Thought the flame would burn out for him being a rambling guy. We had 31 years which would be 36 now. I’m glad you and Bob had so much time, tho it’s never enough. That’s what sucks about life, it ends. It surely ends for the one who passed, but it also ends in so many ways for the one left behind. You had more than half your life with him like me. Is it any wonder how impacting this is when they were always there and snatched away? And Kay finally finding the one to lose him so quickly. Gin too. I feel for Ana not even getting to create those dreams they must had had. And the crisises too. All the things that bond people so tightly. The price is high to give ourselves to that commitment. We didn’t know it when it started,no one thinks of that. Like getting a puppy, you don’t think of outliving it. It’s just magical and perfect and then we conquer the differences as they come up emerging stronger together. Now I conquer what I can, but it feels empty. No one to high five with.😢

I’m so sorry you are in the pain of not knowing what happened, yet possessing the remains of your love. It’s a terrible place to be between 'worlds'. Your old one gone, this magnifying this new one filled with such pain. You don’t have anything to direct you anger at. It’s not fair that life is taken from us, but she was so young. To have to now face her birthday is like salt to the gaping wound. The first year is so hard, all the firsts to go thru. No wise words. Just heartfelt understanding. .

My antidepressant isn’t flatlining me. I’d almost find that preferable. I sit on the ground side of the seesaw. Nothing to give the other side a boost. Doc says I can take more but that creates anxiety attacks. It seems everything comes with a steep price. I keep going back to the past when there was simplicity and laughter. Glad that those times existed tho now they trigger so much pain. Ugh, there has to be an exit from this maze to get back to grieving that didn’t consume me. I know all this physical stuff would still be happening. But I wouldn’t be alone.

I meant to put that in my post. I know you had your granddaughter to consider. Not that we get to choose.