Jump to content

Marg M

  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited


About Marg M

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

Recent Profile Visitors

4,535 profile views
  1. Oh, this girl is my heart, she can do no wrong. Now, if only we could get her through the big math test, we'd be okay. It is like she has a curse on the test. Does the same stuff in class just fine, knows it is the big test and knows she is going to fail it. She does. Freezes up completely. Counselor trying to help.. She is college level and has passed all the other tests, cannot get past the math. She does not give up. This is what Billy home schooled her in. He loved it. Kinda think it might have something to do with it.
  2. Bri called me "Dude" the other day. Dude Mamol please..
  3. I wanted to be like my sweet, beautiful in her 90's, Mammaw. She really was an Angel and her two daughters took such good care of her. She was tiny, and prettier at 90 than at 45. She doted on me her only grandchild for nine years. (Mama was jealous) and hated her mother-in-law. Grandma was fluffy, had a personality that was flat, but she was so unhappy after her husband passed she only had her country store and lived a country life. The rugs on the floor were hook rugs, and she had plaited (braided) so many different strips of cloth together, old clothes from many children and other family. If you have never plaited a hook rug, it is really is a lot of fun. They kept the cold wind from coming through the single wood floors. My other grandmother made quilt coverlets for all her grandchildren, each little square hand sewn. After all these years, I still have Scott's,, but won't use it. Lost the others in our many moves. My fluffy grandmother managed to leave money and land to each of her children and (I think I have written this before), had a will written out on a Big Chief tablet of paper (many will remember these), with a #2 pencil and in it she asked her children "please don't fight" and of course they did. They all argued and verbally fought until they were all gone and I imagine in Heaven my grandparents are saying "you handle it God, its your problem now."
  4. No, after the one pill my temperature went very high and my bones and muscles could hardly move. I took the only thing I'm allowed to take (Tylenol), it was about 4:00 a.m., I figured I was semi-alone, no need to wake up Bri, lay back down, figured I was dying anyhow, and didn't care, went to sleep and was fine in the morning. Did not take any more pills (I had asked her not to give me an antidepressant,, I knew I was depressed, but it was situational depression a pill would not cure. (I used to believe a pill would cure anything). It was a new antidepressant and I saw it advertised on TV. It said if anyone had that symptom to go to ER immediately. Sometimes you cannot give pills to cure the word "elderly."
  5. Gwen I "fired" my family practice doc two years ago. Her antidepressant (I only took 1) but old folks cannot take some things the younger ones can. Nurse called me to come have bone density test and I said "I'm firing her, she nearly killed me" and nurse/receptionist thought I was being funny. They called again for annual checkup and I told them again, I no longer see that doctor. I'll be darn if a recorded message didn't call this year for annual checkup. I just hung up.
  6. I hurt a bunch of days afterward. My bedroom (I took the small one) is surrounded with big plastic boxes. I gave Bri the big one with the bath because she stays in her room a lot. I kinda feel safe with all that stuff around the king sized bed and all I do is sleep there. About to get the kinks out, but paying rent at two places kind of put us in a tight squeeze at Christmas. I have always been the Grinch anyhow, Billy was the Christmas boy, and I do not even care for gifts, and they all know it. I'm not that much fun. I take after my grandmother who would wrap and re-give presents, wrap with toilet paper when she ran out of wrapping paper. To give her credit though, she could not use all the presents they gave her so many holidays. More than once one of the girls would unwrap a present and say "I gave this to her for Mother's day." And, she did live at least 10 miles from any town. I hope y'all have as good a Christmas as you can.
  7. My washroom space has no light. My sister gave me a home gift and it takes 3 AA batteries and is activated by motion. Really helped. Peel off back and put it where you want it and the motion of you walking down the hall makes it come on.
  8. Kay, my two 2nd cousins had the same grandmother that I can never remember her out of a wheelchair. The arthritis was passed down to both girls. One has been in a wheelchair as long as I can remember and my closest one has had joint replacements and they had their grandchildren late in life (children later also) so she is too sweet to say no to babysitting. Husband is 80 now. I think when it is inherited like that age knows no boundary. I'm so sorry, they are in such pain. I know y'all are too.
  9. When I typed the information on all the many patients I thought it strange they would make a no suicide pact with their doctors. Really, sometimes when you are so ill, you are fighting to live, not fighting to die. I had had thoughts during my worse times, before the cancer, of suicide, and of course after Billy left I wanted to let go, but somehow when your very ill you fight to keep living. Like you would not go to the ER if you were bent toward suicide. Sometimes though, you get tired of fighting so much to live. Still, and even if you do not have any religious convictions, that is the mind-set, to live. They cannot help us any more and Billy was the best nurse I ever had. I keep seeing my age in front of me though and wonder how hard I will fight. My kids have depression so bad that I have to fight to live. They are not old. They can have a life ahead of them. My daughter goes to get her "immune" shot today. Every Monday. She will be sick the rest of the day but yesterday she was so tired she slept all day. It happens like this. They will draw lab work before the shot. She gets to feeling better and all the Thanksgiving crowds and she had a party to go to for her Mardi Gras Krew . All of the busy stores and she was exposed to so much. I just talked to her and she is going to get her shot early this morning. And my son leaves today for a month. He has his regular bipolar holiday depression. He cannot help it and tries to fight it off but has had it for years. They say money cannot buy health and happiness, but sometimes I think if it was there, it might help. I know just letting go does not help, but how many of us have wanted to just let go? My sister's oxygen level goes down with this wet weather and I just wish she could have what she craves, but she still smokes constantly. I cannot judge her. I admire you for fighting. It is a lonely fight, but you have worked with some many volunteering that you know, it is just second nature to try to live. We don't know why, but we have to keep trying. I don't have my "nurse" and I cannot fight my son's depression, my granddaughter's listless pull for a life, my daughter's immune system fight and my sister's fight to breathe. But that is what we do, we just keep fighting, even when the results seem even more bleak. We fight because we have to.
  10. I understand it totally. We always headed west and I won't go past the Texas line. Cannot travel without Billy. Will never fish again.
  11. Gin, I have gone so far I do not like the state of Arkansas, the year 2015, I will not watch a movie made in that year or a book published. Autumn used to be the favorite time of year, picture taking of all the wilderness/forest roads and there were so many around us. The Ouachita National Forest was surrounding us. Would not go down those roads. If I have business to attend to in the little town I stay on the main highway and our house was just behind the museum in beautiful forests, streams, hills, valleys. Avoiding all that does not make it not have happened. Leaving the apartment complex that hid me for 3-1/2 years was traumatic and it is just less than half a mile away. I knew the steps were going to kill me and the laundromat was impossible and took way more energy than I have now. I don't know where anything is and I do have my own washer and dryer, no steps at all, and two bathrooms (necessity). Sometimes we just need a push to keep on living. I am lucky, I think, I have people that push me. My sister lives around the corner apartment and she cannot breathe in this humidity. My son will spend next month with his daughter and grandchildren in Savannah, Georgia, and I want him to. “We are not idealized wild things. We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.”― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking She wrote lots of books, but I am not intellectual enough to have read them. Just this one writing about losing her husband. Talking to him at the table and he tragically passed away all of a sudden at the table, I don't think he had been sick. She lost her daughter soon after that. She was the wife of a Dominick Dunn's brother, John Dunn, who I think was a novelist also. When I was younger and my kids asked me "don't you remember, etc." I would try to remember. I do not try now. I don't want dementia or Alzheimer's, but sometimes I enjoy not remembering.
  12. George, sometimes we are our best doctors. We don't have a prescription pad, but I have my whole history typed out in front of my purse in zipped compartment . I am not supposed to have things done that they would do to me ordinarily. I'm glad you are on top of things. It was sweet of you to read the letter to your sister. We have to make a comfortable existence for ourselves. I am so happy you were aware of your health and symptoms.
  13. I really let things slip up but when you have to pay a deposit "again" on things and the ball is already rolling downhill you forget about important things, and I have to count my blessings when I think that paper towels are so important. The Dollar Tree took my last dollars but how can I complain. It goes back to the man who cried because he had no shoes, until he saw the man with no feet. So many blessings left uncounted. My crosses are not up in my house yet, don't know which box they are in, but somehow without my crosses I forget tto pray. Silly of me. I've put my rolls out to rise, have to make the cornbread and boil the chicken, put the two frozen rotisserie chicks in the oven to warm. So much to do. Please be safe my friends and please be thankful for what we have. Our loss hangs around our neck and in our heart. Coming from a huge ole country family with two different sides of the creeks to travel, from the Bodcau Bayou, my mom's huge boisterous family to the closer to Dorcheat Bayou,, my dad's quiet, sweet family, and now all gone, including Billy's fighting family along the Dorcheat Bayou. We will do our best. And we will list what we are thankful for, even to our dwindling few and all the others with their smaller families. We once were a formidable large crew scattered through two parishes (counties), and now we are so few. New families, new customs. Have as happy a Thanksgiving as you can.
  14. Lynda, I had my plan to follow along behind Billy and we had had 54 years. We still had plans and dying was not in those plans. It went fast, (am I glad or did I want him to hurt longer?), and four years later I did not want him to hurt longer but I told him, refused to listen to him when he pitifully let me know he was leaving. I turned my back on him. Three days later I wrote to this group. I think it saved me to know I was not alone. In between those three days I was going to drive the truck into the "Muddy Wilderness" where there were no trucks or cars. I would go down a path into the woods and on a beautiful autumn day that was the most horrible time in my life I would take the 50 morphine pills left and would not be found until hunting season. I knew what would happen to my body out in the depths of the wild animal woods and was glad. I never once thought of my children, my grandchildren, my sister, only following the man who said "I am you and you are me" and we were. It has been four years and today for just a few minutes, I pretended I was driving with Billy, I put my hand on my purse like I used to put it on his leg. We hurt. Like Rose Kennedy said, we build up scar tissue and it can be ripped off too. Your younger than I am. I'm sorry we have to hurt so bad but young or old, six months or 60 years, it is a terrible ripping apart pain that when you cry until you cannot breathe, it almost seems peaceful not to breathe. I can only advise you to keep reading. Listen to Marty. Listen to Kay and all the others that are still hurting after years. And yes, at the moment we want to follow them. And missing them does not quit, but one spring will come when you will see the flowers again, one autumn when you will see the many colored leaves. It will still be muted, but you will see them again. I'm so sorry, and that is the only thing we can say..................but keep reading these people who have lost their most important friend, a part of themselves.
  15. Yep, I saw it. I have also seen 2-3 of her little movies and it tickles me that all my sweet, tight-laced friends will watch them thinking they are a similar to Hallmark show. Dolly takes controversial subjects and splats them right on out. I admire her for being married 53-years, I admire her husband for hanging in there and not going to any of her shows and probably not having any jealousy. I just plain love Dolly, and she can still wear those outfits at over 70-years old, still sing, and I admire her. Yes, I am tired. Surprised I am so much more tired than before and sorta sad. Well, that goes without saying, but it is almost too much memory to go back through. So many of my friends have passed away and so many have dementia. So many I need to go see, but again, I am selfish. I protect me as much as possible. Really, I hope you all have as good a Thanksgiving as you can. Will make my regular dressing (stuffing), but this year I bought two rotisserie chickens to go along with it instead of turkey. Instant Thanksgiving. My sister has filled my refrigerator with pies and sweets (we don't do much cooking) except the dressing and mashed/creamed (to me) potatoes. I bought canned turkey gravy if the dressing is too dry, and also cranberry sauce. Seems we have to carry on tradition, even if it is instant tradition. My aunt used to use 12 whole eggs in her dressing (stuffing) and I use egg beaters. (I hate cooking. Y'all do your best. I think Kay might be snowed in. Thinking about y'all.
  • Create New...