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Marg M

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About Marg M

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Louisiana
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. I remember when we had paper charts, nothing computerized. I was the only one working nights. Nights are the main time we get sick (us elderly people) and I had huge ladders that rolled around. I was in my late 20's and able to lift and pull. Sometimes the elderly would have charts that I had to take a buggy to carry them all. I remember selfishly wishing I did not have to hunt for all those big charts and then one day would come and I would notice they were not coming in every other night, they were transferred to the death files. Youth has its flaws, especially when you no longer have youth.
  2. Sorry, did not mean to submit a reply in this box, but accidentally hit submit reply. I'm through with my word salads today. Gotta take Bri to counselor in the "big city."
  3. They try to keep us clean here, they want the foyer between the apartments to be free of debris. My neighbors have lawn chairs, grills, and a couple of huge ferns. I have a welcome mat and that is all. You certainly have some big fines, impossible to pay, if you don't cooperate. I know you have lived in the house for many years and I have heard of people coloring their lawns green. As dry as it is there, looks like conserving water would be the most important. Brian, a young man at the end, and the woman across the way have flower pots to put their cigarettes in and Brian's beer cans. The wind blows between the foyer and blows his beer cans all over the space between our apartments, down the steps, on the grass and I took them and threw them away at first, but now I take them and put them where he has to step over them to get in his door. I am not going to "rat on him" but hope he gets the hints, when he is sober. Monday mornings early it is impossible to sleep in, they are trimming the shrubs, cutting and trimming the grass (and of course with our humidity they don't have to water. My sister-in-law lives south of Albuquerque and has lived in the city and I loved their bare yards with the rocks and bolder or two. I certain loved the "swamp coolers" better than our A/C which leach the humidity from our air. I remember them living up in the mountains and a modern bathroom with shower that had a brick wall built outside, like a little room, where you were actually hidden taking a shower. Also learned the showers were mostly for show as they were not to use that much water, in other words, you did not bathe that often. Conserve water. In this part of the country people put up sand bags to keep the local lake, bayou or overflowing stream from entering your house. Your fines are terrible. You own your home, yet you really are at the city's whim and $. I never want to own a home again. It winds up owning you. Wish you could get closer to the mountains. Wonder if you could put up football turf? I like Boise State's blue grass. Some of the most beautiful country is where you live. Billy hated taking care of a lawn. Loved August to come and would not mow that two acres after that. We had a family of deer that lived in the weeds back near the tree line. I almost hit one in downtown the other day. People are taking over their homes, they are moving into ours.. Coyote's roamed in Arkansas. Billy loved to blow on his coyote call and we would watch one go from the front of the house to the back where ever he was sounding like a "wounded rabbit." I notice in rereading my posts that I am repeating myself more often. Oh, the joys of age.
  4. This is not to make any sense at all. Does not have to. I don't have to anymore. I walked across the way to our mail boxes and got a catalog in the mail. Gonna throw it away but thought Bri might want to peruse it. Sky is clear, it is 8:03 pm so night is coming on. You cannot get the feeling of home, because Billy would have to be here for it to be home. There will never be another home on this earth and I remembered something about "stranger in a strange land" and I looked up at the sky and told Billy, I was that "stranger in a strange land" and then I thought about the elderly woman down a few apartments from me, we are not real friendly, just acquaintances. Her daughter brought her down from Wisconsin and just dumped her. This is not a government subsidy apartment, she has no car. I am not sure how she makes it but we have a senior bus that comes by. She does not care to sit and talk really, but she is a stranger in a strange land too. (I have a feeling you all would be strangers in this tropical heat in triple digits). “Anybody can look at a pretty girl and see a pretty girl. An artist can look at a pretty girl and see the old woman she will become. A better artist can look at an old woman and see the pretty girl that she used to be. But a great artist--a master--and that is what Auguste Rodin was--can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is . . . and force the viewer to see the pretty girl she used to be . . . and more than that, he can make anyone with the sensitivity of an armadillo, or even you, see that this lovely young girl is still alive, not old and ugly at all, but simply prisoned inside her ruined body.” Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land Well, guess that lifted everyone's spirits. My son had to leave yesterday. He has "promises to keep and miles to go before he sleeps also." I am feeling so melodramatic today. Wish the woman from Wisconsin, wish her son would come take her home. But, she is a widow also. Cannot get her to talk much except how mean her daughter is to her. My daughter is being an angel. We all miss our anchor.
  5. Well, maybe someone would get annoyed enough to come check. Embarrassed the dickens out of me to wake up at 2:00 a.m. with police cars and an ambulance in front of my house and they were going to knock the door down. Of course Billy had just gone and everyone feared the worse. My hair stuck out in a bunch of ways and I had ear buds in my hand. None of my neighbors noticed thank goodness. Just another meth bust. It does scare you being all alone. I have faced it a few nights, but thankfully not very many, although I wish a better life for my granddaughter than living with an old person like me although we listen to the same music and watch the same movies. I have become quite a Marvel movie ...........what do you call it? Okay, I can spell fanatic. They cut this last movie in half and the remainder will be next year. For old folks your just hoping they have theaters in Heaven.
  6. On your key for your car there is something that ought to make the car alarm go off too. Don't know why I remember this. Maybe someone on here told us.
  7. I love my state, but even in winter we have these hot sweaty days. Guess we are in the tropics. What I have wrong with me I cannot really talk about, but there is pain, lots of back and leg pain, lying down does not help, sitting compounds one of my forever problems, so I sit anyhow and I can only take Tylenol, blood pressure and Xanax of course. The problem with Xanax is I am allowed 2 a day, and if I take more the tolerance builds up and it does not work. Even if I take 2 a day I build up a tolerance. She is talking about giving me the long acting Xanax and I don't know what that is or how to take it and figure the tolerance will certainly build up. She knows I go to my old PCP to get my Xanax and asked the business office if it messed up my insurance and I told her I had been doing it nearly three years and if it was going to mess up my insurance it already would have. I have lived with the inconvenience and pain since March of 2014, just watch my temp so sepsis does not build up and blockage again. My daughter is a retired nurse, but other than giving me shots if I need them, she cannot help me and I sure cannot take pain pills or even aspirin because I have the Factor IX in my blood and could bleed out, so I scare doctors, and they scare me. It creates, like my non cursing mother said "a mell of a hess" but here I am. Can still get around. I told her I was unwilling to do without my Xanax and she offered the long acting, she can do this, but cannot give me my two a day prescription. Sometimes life makes no sense. And death makes a hole that can never be repaired, for most people anyhow. So, we play the hand as it was dealt.
  8. Marg M

    Simultaneous Grief and Love

    I very seldom venture off the norm of what I found with these forums. My family and friends keep me so busy when I go to the closet to get clothes, I realize others have my clothes and I have to find mine that are here to wash. Hate a laundromat. Anyhow, coming here, I find people that have "moved on" while still grieving, but still have found happiness of some sort, and I am happy for them. Now I see where some names I have missed, where they are now and it is interesting. I wish everyone any amount of happiness they can squeeze out of this lemon of life and make the best lemonade ever. To all of you. Sometimes I feel so tired, but there is always something left to push me to keep going, and I am glad other people are still in motion.
  9. My sister lived in the French Quarter. Beautiful place with a courtyard but she had to get out and move her vehicle a couple of times a day for street cleaners. Guess it was worth it to her, she lived there awhile. Y'all live in big cities. Everywhere I go is country except Shreveport/Bossier. Lived there all our kids school years and I do not recognize the place now. Like my little 12,000 "city." Guess this has nothing to do about grief except when I can get in my car and just travel the back roads. Works like Xanax.
  10. Carrie, my mustard seed faith and my family keep me going. We (Billy and I) grew up with our kids and sometimes it does seem like it "takes a village" because my family and friends keep me going. Billy's presence is everywhere, even though I moved back to where we had lived together, were born, raised, schooled and our children were also. My story is splattered in word salads now for well over two years, three years in October. You know a man was well loved when his kids grieve almost (and they would argue "as much missed") as I do miss him. Your husband was so young, as I am sure you are too and life seems unfair a lot of times. Well, it is unfair a lot of times. I would have been happy if I could have had 54 more years but we all know the impossibility of that. You have come to a good place and you write where we feel your pain. Just keep reading and writing. I read a lot of widow's and widower's books written about losing their mate and they have helped, but this forum helps the most. My heart is with you. Stay awhile with us and maybe there might be a moment or two that helps.
  11. Karen, we watch all of those animal films with the dogs, cats, bears, raccoons, deer, every kind of animal doing stunts, the cat chasing the bear away, dogs jumping towards table or couches and missing them, cats falling off doors, and sometimes they are really funny. But how many times have we thrown things for our dogs and you don't think about them injuring themselves. Billy's dog Briar used to could jump across small streams like they were not even there. He was the most agile dog, big, he was the breed of dog that played in the movie "The Biscuit Eater" I think. I have seen it on commercials. Billy loved that dog, but we kept him in a dog pen Billy had built behind the house. That dog was bred to hunt, not sit still, and after seven years, there was a man who owned 40 acres living out in the country below us. We had seen Briar so many times up on his dog house, part way, he was just leaning, looking out at the horizon. We felt so bad about that. Billy had lost interest in taking him up into the forest, or even the forest we lived in, although he had done that for about five years and that dog loved to run. He caught a fox one time when he let him out and, as I guess his breed of dog did, he was killing him and Billy had to put the fox down. He was a pure bred (whatever he was) and very smart and Billy had gotten too old for him, I guess. The man we gave him to had just lost his dog and they said the man made his dog his best friend. Billy hurt to give him away and any time a commercial would come on, you could see him want to cry, and he might have. But Briar had ponds to wade in, a big barn to sleep in at night, and woods to roam. We lived too close to the highway to let him run loose and he was not bred to live in a pen. He never even looked back at us as he was driving away. He could leap mountains, but that dog never could jump into the back of the truck. Billy would pick that big dog up into the truck. That was our last dog, but over the years Billy had had many to roam the woods with. I had my dogs when I was a kid and when I saw so many of them get killed or die of being poisoned, I wanted no more. Mama would not let me keep them in the house. My daughter has a small poodle that is her every minute companion and sometimes is more human than those walking on two feet. She had cats inside as she was growing up. My heart goes out to you that have lost your pets or they are ill or hurt. We do not any of us need grief added on to grief. We still grieve for Butch and his family. And, we do all the fur babies that are gone too. And Karen, my heart is with you so much for your daughter, and your fur baby. Oh yes, I pride myself in not forgetting where my glasses, keys, phone, purse, I have to remember or I go in a panic. My son is down here with me right now and we went to my daughters. I did not discover I had left my purse until we came out, it was dark and I could not drive anyhow at night so Scott drove home. I was surprised that I had forgot it, thanking that my son was going to drive. Just surprised at my carelessness. Not forgetfulness, that is a given.
  12. Yeah, Gwen, you know I was not meaning any judgement. We do have to watch what we say sometimes and it comes out wrong. You, and a few more on here, I would definitely be surprised if you came up with someone else. I won't ever rule out impossible because honestly, some things happen that just surprise the heck out of me. Again, no judgement, just total surprise. And it is probably best if I don't say anymore. The woman in the article said she had been divorced before, now she had lost her husband, and she seemed young enough for another. My friend, her mother married three times after my friends dad passed and she outlived all of them. I was with Billy from the time I was a kid and we grew up together, sometimes acting wrong and reckless, but we fought through it and it came down to there could be no one else, but we got married so young there was curiosity. Hence, you are not able to travel and go places like some other people do. I did not mean "go hunting" for someone. Honestly, when I wrote it I figured something would be taken wrong. I know you Gwen, you just plain do not want another man. I certainly agree. If I was 60, I would not want another. When I called to express my condolences to my friend's husband, the one I had been with at MD Anderson for so long, two years later she passed away. I called and talked to Larry her husband and her mother-in-law who took care of her often and talked to her when I could. This really tore me up.. We had been in the trenches together. Immediately after the funeral (day or so) I waited long enough so I would not get him or me hysterical, and his mother told me that he was on his honeymoon. She said "He got so lonesome."
  13. Gwen, it has been awhile, but after Billy left I reached for him each morning. My friend had lost her husband in December, the year before. I would wake up with such a disappointment that I finally said "you are gone, you left, you are never coming back." I told my friend what I had to do and she fussed at me terribly. She said I need to touch his pillow and tell him how much I miss him and I will never quit loving him." Just that little thing seemed to help. That first week it is like you are walking through a million mile desert with never any water anyhow. You try to will yourself to die and it just don't happen. Screaming into a pillow just hurt my head too much. Crying continuously did not bring him back and I knew he was gone, but II would talk to him. I still talk to him. I think I will always talk to him. My friend, her husband had been gone over 10 years and I asked her if she ever talked to him. She looked at me strange and said "you are still new in your grief." Gwen you are brave and strong too. You have so much physical pain and you have to deal with doctors so much. That is strong too. I have an appointment Thursday and I only made it because I don't want to do without my blood pressure meds and she would not refill until I came in. Truthfully, it is past time for me to come in. I don't have anything they can fix and the only thing they can work on is my blood pressure (and I know I have to lose weight, I have let myself go too much, too long). I would not have done that if Billy was here. You do take care of your health.
  14. Reading on here we know people's limitations and the fact that they are not looking for any other arrangement. There are people that feel so alone for so long that they wish for a loving partner. While I certainly wish the best for the ones who do find someone and coexist with the past, it is not with envy that I wish you happiness, it is with hope for the rest of your life happiness. I know it can happen. And it will happen for some who least expect it. I wish them well. The last part of this poem by Robert Frost: I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference
  15. Our 57th anniversary was July 3rd. I always buy him cards for the special occasions and write on them as if he will read. I too worked from home for too many years. Billy always felt guilty because I was working, so he sat on the couch not three feet away from me and did his hobbies. He tied fishing flies and would wrap fishing rods.. He would take some of his old rods and would take them apart, put new wrapping on each one in different colors and we always kept him supplied with the clear fingernail polish to finish them with. He could have been fly fishing the many creeks and rivers, but he would stay stuck to me like the fingernail polish. By then I was editing the reports put out by stupid computers that did not understand what the doctors were saying and he and I would laugh and keep up a going conversation because by that time, editing was not my hobby and I wish I had quit many years before and fly fished with him. But, you know how it is, we had forever. I don't think I realized you had moved back "home." I know "home" was where our mate was, but I hope you are among friends and family, as I am, because it does not take away the pain or the sting, but it does provide other things that help put scar tissue on the wound, and then a day like today rips it off. I started writing, as that was part of therapy, I thought. Then I would read where I was last year, or a note from the year before, and it brought everything back as if it was the first day of shock and denial. I never thought about just writing to Billy. I do that on his cards. I fill them up with words and I know when I leave and my family finds them, it is probably going to make them very sad. I hope not. My two kids both have searched for a love that was similar to mine and their dad's love for each other. Have searched for a companion that would compare. But, they forget, it was not always easy for me and their dad. We hit rough times that they were part of. The last years were perfect, but you have to go through a lot of imperfect to reach that point and they both have come to the age that perfect does not exist without some imperfect thrown in and worked through. My heart is with you today, and I'm proud of you for having the courage to go back to where you used to live. I went through my hometown a lot of times since I have been back in Louisiana. Even though all my relatives were there at one time, my church, my school (which they have torn down and combined with other small towns), I know I could not live there. I live in the same parish (county), but about 33 miles south of my hometown and only three miles from Billy's hometown. We began our marriage here and spent all but the last 17 years in this area. He is not here in body form, but I feel him here in essence. He would not have lived in an apartment, but I could not have pulled an RV and never want the responsibility of taking care of a house. When we were young people said we were just throwing money away paying rent. Well, I am not in that situation anymore. Proud of you for the steps you have taken. And Joyce, I don't think we will ever find what we had with Billy or Dale, but you have love from family and friends, it is not the same, it does not heal, but it does help in some small way.
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