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Marg M

Contributor
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About Marg M

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Louisiana
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. Dee, I think that is how we all feel. I have repeated this so many times, Billy would say "I am you and you are me" and I have lost half a person. I forget so easy, which we can say is age, but paying attention to something for any length of time, I cannot do that again. That was sweet about my "word salads" (thank-you), but sometimes I get carried away with words. And Gwen, I wish she could see how important she really is. To people who have no one to visit them, and family avoids them, Gwen is the Angel who walks in a few times a week and as long as they live there, it is a familiar face. Familiar is part of family. I miss some of those who have dropped off the forum, but I hope they have found a bit of happiness. That is what we all need, just a tiny bit of happiness. I'm going to keep telling myself that the forgetting, the lack of concentration, and all the little things are parts of grief...........and not age. If Billy was with me I would not be old.
  2. Gwen, I think of you a lot of times. Billy and I worked 80 years together total. I think about the ants scurrying along planning for the winter and the grasshopper wondering why they were working so hard. Now when it has come to the end of times, Billy and I had/have a good retirement but when it is divided up 4-5 ways, at the end of the month I am scurrying to make ends meet. Then I think about the man who cried because he had no shoes until he met the man with no feet. And Gwen, I wish I could share my good fortune with you though it is not monetary. I do have family and friends that are around constantly. I felt so bad the other day, I was fussing in my mind "when do I get ME time" and I feel so selfish thinking that. My daughter just came in with a T.J. Maxx bag full of clothes she washed and dried for me. My granddaughter is the light of my life, and my son is close again. He lives across the hall from his sister, has a key and helps himself to food she has fixed. Sometimes she fixes it for him, sometimes she fusses (to me.) He comes in and takes out the trash. So much I still have to do and hope I live long enough to finish. Sometimes I think God left me here for a reason, I am not a complete person yet. I used to be loving, but I find myself having a cold heart and that cannot be me, I never had a cold heart. I was mischievous sometimes but not this cold feeling to my existence. I even forget to tell people "thank you" and "I love you" and I feel so guilty. And, I feel guilty because I should count my blessings that I have all those people needing me, it makes me seem like I might have a reason to live. I wish that for all of you too. I do know Gwen, all those years of volunteering, you most likely have dozens of people who have no one but you and to someone like that, that makes you indispensable as well. My 💗 is still with you and all the rest and I hope your health improves so much this next year. All of you.
  3. I know screaming into a pillow didn't help. Head hurt big time, so I quit. Another "momism" was she said you couldn't cry over spilled milk. Guess we will never get the milk back in the bottle, but you do spend a lot of time cleaning up the spill.. When it comes right down to it, nothing really helps. I seldom remember dreams, one was so stupid I had to remember it, I had a job cutting clutch purses in three even pieces. Never dream where Billy is in them till this morning and I am still angry even though it was not real, and I know it. like I said, very seldom remember the dream. Now, I will have to forget this one. Sometimes we have too much put on us, sometimes not enough.
  4. About like everyone else, not sure of anything. Need some "me" time but see everyone with "me" time and not sure "me" is what I want. Just same old, same old.
  5. Sometimes I write my word salads, go back and read them and just delete. My feelings sometimes are like anesthesia, not asleep, but no feeling, just automatic movement, no thinking. My heart is with all that are suffering. I've lived too long, seen too much.
  6. Gwen, I am having to have physical therapy on my left knee to keep from having an arthroscopy. Pain pills will kill me. The man physical therapist is so gentle with me but he puts me through the motions and I did learn I cannot use the elliptical anymore. Can use the sit down bicycle. My favorite. The girl PT today was not so easy on me. Brianna said "Mamol I have not heard you bitch so much about hurting in my life." Well............that's all I can do is bitch about it. Then I went to our annual class Christmas party Saturday and they took my picture talking to one of my long ago friends weighing at least 90 pounds. OMGosh. I really don't look at myself. I had hog jowls. I didn't know that. If Billy was here I would not have gained it, even with this stupid diet, and also I would not have so much weight on my short legs with my big behind. I keep thinking about Eleanor Roosevelt talking about looking fear in the face and I wonder just how many times we have had to do that and always before it was everyday things and now it is just full on "fear in the face." But we keep doing it. Hang in there girl, we got this.
  7. Kevin, you give new meaning (in a good way) to the "moving on" words. Think you must be closer to grown kids, but sounds like you are almost in the tundra. Can you see Siberia anywhere close? Stay warm. Good luck. My granddaughter (19) and I go to the movies in the "big city" often. I'm really into the old Marvel and D/C characters, though the comic books were so tame.. She was so impressed I knew who "Shazam" was. Used to trade comic books with neighborhood kids back before TV.
  8. I have the huge expandable "important" paper boxes, 3-4 of them sitting in the bathroom closet. I have not had to open them in years and years. It has been three years since Billy "left" and those boxes scare me. I have no idea why. Am I the only one who hates mail (unless it has money in it)? That is 54 years of papers, old mail, unnecessary junk. I am an eccentric person.
  9. I'm going to take what I wrote down. This is about Grief in the first degree. I should have paid more attention. I'm sorry. I think that is the most pain I have ever been in. No physical pain, and I've had ruptured colon with sepsis from the most radiation a person can safely have for cancer. None of that pain compares to the mental anguish of losing your mate.
  10. So have we all been, so still we are sometimes, many times, too often. Nothing I can say to help, nothing any of us can say except keep reading, keep coming back. I found this place three days after Billy left. I cannot go through all the things I planned, all the things I just wanted to be gone also. I'm not saying this right. Some times I get on a tear and will fill up a whole page. Please know you are among people that have felt and sometimes still feel what you are feeling. I've mentioned "him" before, but often I see a man sitting by his wife's grave in his lawn chair. In summer he brings an umbrella to ward off the sun. He was married 61 years. I just hugged him and told him I understood, and I will not stop again. This is his time with his wife, and if I try to talk to him I might interrupt something he has grown accustomed to. I'm getting too wordy. Please come back and read, and let your own feelings come out. We-do-understand.
  11. Yes they will "get it" in some shape, form or fashion. It is like my neighbor Shirley. She and her husband live here. They want to go back to Texas as they need help from relatives. He is big and can hardly get around. He is not fat, he just seems he would have made a good linebacker in the pro's. She is tiny and has a heart defect. Between the two of them they need in assisted living, but not sure the money will let them. The ambulance has been out a few times for her and her heart and then on top of that she got neck cancer, up into her jawbone. She is such a little fighter. She had the treatments for the cancer and right before Thanksgiving had the scan for the cancer. Of course she had to wait until after Thanksgiving for the results. But, I heard her talking to another neighbor and had to join in. Scans were cancer free. Of course she has some malfunctions from the radiation that are permanent. She said she could live with them. And, she manages with a sick husband most of the time. I was told the man who sits at his wife's grave in a lawn chair, in the summertime he brings an umbrella. I certainly would never try talking again with those that "don't get it." In fact, right now for the holidays, even before he lost his dad, my son has that black dog of depression sitting right in his lap 24/7, and I'm worried. I mourned my dad, but he was never the dad Billy was. Billy was pure love. All those people that don't "get it," unfortunately eventually they will. I think I have become cynical. It is hard to find something that does not say "happy" on it. I sincerely hope you have a pain-free birthday Gwen.
  12. Sorry Gin. We had a full church but I left home rather abruptly after my mom and I got into it and moved the date and location, still the small country town church, my home church was full. We just did not take pictures, but I remember even shaking so hard at 18 I could hardly read my name. It was the occasion, not the congenital tremor. Also my old pastor and we told him all we wanted to say was "I do" so he read all the rest. I'm not sure Billy's dad came. We never made big "to-do's" of occasion, just cards and gifts. I'm glad now that we did not pick out something special to do.
  13. Thank you Katie-girl. I hope you all can have a good Thanksgiving. We learn to use words we would not ordinarily use. We love you. I always sign my cards the way I always signed them. Billy liked to have his name first. He had a big ego, and I loved him for that too.
  14. Marg M

    It hurts so bad

    Well said Gwen.
  15. Marg M

    It hurts so bad

    Amy,, I am not qualified to give any official advice. I can only empathize with your feelings. Billy left October 17, 2015. My reaction, plan was to follow him with the idea that our kids and grandkids already were faced with losing him so if I went along with him, it would get all the sorrow over at once. I had it planned out where I would not be found till lots later (those Arkansas national forest roads are dark, long, and deep.) Of course, to someone who is not thinking right, this sounded sensible.......but wait, I have a mustard seed amount of faith, what if I didn't go with him. I hesitated and my kids found out what my plans were and on top of the grief I suffered terrible anger from them that I would do that to them. But, I was thinking only of myself being unable to live without him. There were those times that I would cry until there was no breath left and it seemed so easy to just not breathe. I wanted that peace, the kind you want right now, but you have people you are responsible to, we actually cannot be that selfish. It has not been easy. We had 54 years together. I was him, he was me. Take away one and you took both of us. I have spent three years now thinking that it will soon be my time. In the meantime, I have to live. I went to physical therapy today to get my "WD40" that this old tin man has not had in three years waiting to follow Billy. I will tell you this, this past spring was the first time since he left that I noticed the fluorescent greens of new trees, the tulip trees, the daffodils. I could not even acknowledge the changing of the seasons and still have not put on makeup. I probably won't do that even though a little red paint helps any old barn. Take your time. Your going to grieve. If you are cut deep enough, you bleed. Eventually, most times, that wound will scar over, but it will always be there. Sometimes in the future, you will even laugh again. And, you will feel guilty. Then it will happen again. I cannot promise you happiness ever again like you had, but I promise (unless you allow it, like I intended to do), you will learn to live with it. How you handle that depends on how you allow yourself to live and live for your children. Even when they are grown they will be very hurt if they even think you would leave them. People say "keep busy" like that is going to help.. One night you will look up at the moon and you will talk to your husband and you will feel like he heard you.. The surprising thing will be you saw the moon. You are still living. Keep reading. Various amounts of time and various losses. The heat of the flames is bad enough, some of our members walked on the bare coals. But that is why we all are here. You open your heart. You do not have to be brave. I found this forum three days after Billy left me, I have to believe he helped me.
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