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Marg M

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About Marg M

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Louisiana
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

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  1. 1 Corinthians 13:12: “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” "That’s more than enough to settle the issue for me, and I hope that it is for you as well. Christians who know and love each other on earth will know and love each other in heaven" (That was from Colin Smith, a pastor, and his belief.) I don't know. All I know is something my mama told me all my life. "You do not question the Bible" and I have lived by that. Did I have questions? Well, I sure have had them,, but like the analogy of politics. I don't understand either one. I have what I was taught for 18 years. I have questions I have put to many theologian's. (Not sure of the spelling of that word). I know my faith has been put through a blender of sorts. I do not dream about Billy. I feel his presence next to me each morning, but know he is not there, it lasts only a nanosecond. I talk to him less. Sometimes I get angry with him. No, he would not have left if he could have done anything about it. I do know we would be together "till the end of time" if he could have. I get angry/jealous of him as if he were still alive. The three girls/women he was at one time serious about, and I know it was before me, but they have all passed away too. I know this is silly. I know how stupid it sounds. Sometimes I feel they have him, I don't. I have dream amnesia. I might remember it the next morning, but I can remember dreams I had while married and before marriage, cannot remember any now. For awhile I felt his presence, now first thing in the morning I feel it, but only a moment in time. Scott coded on the operating table after he was shot. The first time he remembers only a darkness. The second time he was in a place of happiness among people he knew, but cannot remember how he knew them. When I doubt myself, like his dad used to help me with my faith, Scott said "you will be with Daddy." And I am calmed. It is nearly five years. I was away from him one time for six weeks, but we saw each other every day, so really not much of a separation. This time, it is, of course, extreme. Like the little water bug that kept wondering what happened to other bugs when they climbed to the top of the water and got their wings, became dragonflies, another verse comes to mind, and I won't quote it exactly, but it comes from 1 Corinthians. It says when I was a child I spoke as a child. Then as an adult, I put away childish things. I don't think of that too much either, just heard my mom quote it often. I don;t think any of us have answers, we go by faith and my faith sometimes is all I hold on to. And my grasp hangs on to it sometimes in a tenuous hold. Too much religion here, I did mention politics. All I can say is this is one woman's journey and the path I have to walk on, and as we have mentioned so many times. We all have different paths. I received information in my Facebook this morning from one of our "prayer warriors" and this is a good woman of faith. I always feel when she prays for me that I've got to be better. I know she is not perfect, but she is so much more than I am.
  2. Kevin, I'm sorry; and I'm sorrier to say I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately, my son had to go through it with his son and we are only getting good news now and can only hope and pray it stays good news. You've got her in a good place. Both my kids are bipolar and I talked to my daughter's physician and told him my fears. He told me if it was something she was going to do I couldn't stop it. I never gave up though. A few months later the psychiatrist went the suicide route. Guess he knew the feeling. We've had A/C on this week.
  3. I just had to turn the TV to "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole" off of the news. I woke up at noon, missed my church services, and I appreciate them putting church on TV, there are many that are "shut in's" and not just because of crippling illness. This grief causes fear to be magnified. I had not been to the store in a week. I had enough still (thank goodness for my tax return), When my fear gets this bad, taking a Xanax won't help. My hours have changed. I used to be an early riser and in bed by 11:00 p.m. No more. If I am in bed by 2:00 a.m., I am doing good. I really hate doing that, but I have to have time to read. I did lose my concentration to read again for awhile. Now that does worry me. We were getting low on things so I was determined to go to Walmart. I know, I am an "at risk" person. My sister wore a mask sprayed with Lysol when she went. I expected to see hazmat suits, but all I saw were everyday people doing their regular grocery shopping and all Walmart employees in their regular garb. One time a customer saw me come down the same aisle as she was on and she quickly disappeared. In the grocery aisles we were shopping cart dodging in all aisles. All the while, there were Walmart employees trying to restock the shelves. I had enough TP but needed paper towels. They were guarded, and as usual, I only took one package. I found everything I was looking for. I will note, I was so paranoid (smart???) that I took my Lysol spray with me. I sprayed my purse and every inch of my clothes before I went in, shoes, bottom of shoes. When I finished, I loaded the groceries, sprayed the sacks, then sprayed the steering wheel, my cushion (I'm short) my seat entirely, my clothes again, head to bottom of feet. I got home, got groceries in, sprayed over them before putting them up, put my clothes in the washer, and this is the first time I found bacterial soap of any kind. They had my Dial antibacterial bar soap well stocked. So, I showered and put on clean clothes. In the meantime, they are not praised enough, we have people working, wearing their everyday uniforms, nothing to ward off this virus. And me, I am just the average paranoid shopper that could be bringing my germs/viruses to these innocent people. And yes, we have a lot to be afraid of. If we were at war with another country the generals would lead, now we are at war with a virus and the medical generals should at least be able to work under conditions that they will not die on the front lines. But, they are. Let people who know how to run hospitals, who know how to order enough equipment and supplies, let them lead this battle instead of political factions that only know how to fight each other. Sorry...........I did mention politics.
  4. Had to put parents house on market, second person took it. My sister had no ready money to get things out. Tool shed in back with family belongings, had to be left. Took down her beautiful flower trees first. Nothing we could do. My sister could not keep house up. I signed everything over to her. She is barely making it even now, money gets "gone" fast. sometimes that thing that is said that about worry, that if nothing can be done, why worry. I have seen the point I have to do that. I will see it more and feel so helpless. None of us with the virus yet though, so we can be thankful for something. My sister's lungs are terrible and that scares me. My son working in a hospital worries me. My daughter being so immune compromised scares me, my granddaughter with her drug-born anxieties from a bio-drug mother, her fears that I cannot cure, they scare me. I scare me. Louisiana has worse numbers related to the crowds of Mardi Gras coming "home" with the virus. Wonder if maybe being in a particular humid state does not harm us. I really think the insurance worry is not even on the list of worries for this epidemic..
  5. Kevin, have not seen my only grandson for years. I know my son had to hunt him down in California, literally in drug jungles that the police praised him for coming out alive. Warned him not to go into them. I do not know what happened. A few years ago we had a picture of him threatening a law officer that was put in a California newspaper, he had a huge knife. There is no rehab. None he would stay in. His letters placed on Facebook were like they came from some unknown language, nothing spelled correctly and no thought could be comprehended in any words. I have not seen this boy in years, but he lived with us once and was so sweet and loving. With Billy gone, my son was in deep depression and his son writing letters that could only be described as hate gibberish. Then, out of no where, my son talks to him. He is able to be understood. He has goals, which is something he has not had since we last saw him in the 11th grade. He is in his 30's now. He has two children that are taken care of by reliable people and he could not see them. He has cleared some hurdle and is going to get to see his little girl who is about 8-9 now. I'm afraid I have not kept up with him. I cannot help him. We helped his dad get through the drug jungles in Louisiana until he took himself out of it, we gave him a safe place to fall and he wanted to please his dad too. I counted my grandson as lost. I have faith but there seems to be some sort of wall I cannot break through since Billy left. I love, I love my family, but I feel somehow half of my life, love, faith, feelings are blunted. I think we may all feel blunted to some extent. It is so good to see my son with some of his depression gone. My grandson has been free of drugs through some rehab location, I don't know where it came from. I did not expect it, my son didn't expect it. With this epidemic turmoil, I'm just afraid.....plainly. I hope and pray for your child.
  6. Karen, I went back up and put an addendum. Some of the things I "remembered" needed to be quoted with more than my memory. As a child I thought the land beside my grandfather's house was a canyon. Louisiana with a canyon? Only in a kid's imagination. It was actually an ancient road that led to a schoolhouse way back in the woods. Went by the last house we lived in from my being born until graduating. I remembered it as huge with big porch and swing. It was a tiny house, tiny porch and a swing. We see things so different after we have traveled so long through life.
  7. It all scares me. If we get "it" or if we require surgery or a hospital stay we are in the position that some of us are in anyhow, only, they will not let anyone in with you. I've got a six month appointment on the 3rd, and specifically, it is to get the Xanax renewed for six months, but I have three other prescriptions that are renewed at the same time. My daughter was/is going with me. Never know. Then she starts listing all the places we "need to go" and in normal times, we could. These are not normal times. I'm just hoping I get seen. I won't let them touch me medically (nothing they can do for me), so it is just officially a six month renewal for meds. I'm not sick, at least not yet. Gwen, I wish the best for you. It seems "going it alone" is our only possible choice. Some of you will remember the late 40's and early 50's when we were vaccinated for smallpox and will remember our parents fears of the polio virus. I know I took the "cure" for the polio virus and back then we were not as far advanced scientifically as we are now, but Jonas Salk somehow helped cure polio, and have not read about the smallpox, was never afraid about it, but the little blister that came up after the vaccination always stayed on top of my arm rather than being a scar, like the other kids. When I started work at the big hospital, we still had patients in "iron lungs" that were farmed out to nursing homes. One look at the head to toe iron lung patient should have thrown horror into all our nightmares. We are home bound. Regular allergy symptoms, no high fever, and my sister is so afraid that she used her winter gloves to pick up a few groceries this morning. I have not talked to her yet. One woman, middle aged, passed away here in town from the virus, but she had been exposed at a convention in New Orleans, where most of our cases came from, all the crowds of Mardi Gras. I worry about Scott at the VA Hospital working, but he tells me he is safer there more than all of us on the outside. Stay safe y'all. I was going to go out for a ride in the country by myself but remembered I cannot get far away from my "necessity." And yes, I was allowed to buy a big pack of toilet paper, and it should suffice until all the corn cobs are dried out enough. ADDENDUM: Not 100% sure about those vaccinations, but if you google them, they are pretty interesting to read. I'm putting this on after I had put the wrong vaccination on FB and my cousin corrected me. Made me not trust my memory and go searching for facts. And, it was interesting. If they could do all that back 60 years ago, if they are given the freedom, then perhaps they can still cure the incurable. We don't talk politics and I don't know enough to talk about it anyhow, but if given the freedom to search for a cure, maybe it is possible. I know we have enough fear.
  8. Brianna thought people would eat the corn off corn on the cob and then use the cob. She was evermore aghast at the spread of germs. I remember running the mobile one in the kitchen at my Grandma's and loved churning and everything but slopping the hogs. I drew the line at that. I explained to her the corn was allowed to dry and then put through the process to get the dried corn off the dried cob. Well, that was some better for her. But still............. It just got worse when I read her what people used to use and finally we had to quit googling, she wanted to hear no more. "Before Toilet Paper: Leaves, rags, moss and rags were some of the less-painful (and probably more sanitary) options. ... In the late 15th century, paper became readily available, so newspaper was commonly used as toilet paper. In more modern times, Americans used the Sears & Roebuck catalog and The Old Farmer's Almanac.Dec 12, 2018" I can remember the Sears catalog slung across a wire coat hanger in my country grandma's. They had a bathroom soon after though. They dug a well and had running water that (the land was called Red Land) and the soil was so red there had to be lots of iron in it. It would stain everything. I got a lot of my ways from Grandma (but I wanted my sweet, gentle, small, good smelling mammaw's ways), oh well, it is what it is. My grandma was a tough ole gal. Riding those five miles home from night service at the "local" Baptist revival, I said "Grandma, you only have your parking lights on." She informed me she knew how to drive but kept commenting on it being a dark night. As she went in front of her car, when we got home, while she said "well, I did have my parking lights on" and I was kissing the ground, happy we had made it. Stubborn ole gal. They called that part of Louisiana the Ozark foothills, and it was as close to mountains I would get until I married. Her and her dad both rode down the center of those dirt hill roads with their horn blowing meaning "get out of my way."
  9. Get a ruler, or tape measure, or something and make sure they are six feet apart. Honestly, sometimes I think everyone in the world was endowed with the family jewels. If this is a "friend" Gwen, please find a new one...........after we are allowed out of our houses. All of a sudden Louisiana is at the top of the list of the virus load. Down in these parts we cannot find HB meat, bread, and we have guards over toilet paper and towel paper. Is this woman one of your therapists, or is she just an acquaintance? I don't have to worry about them putting me away now, no one will let me enter a nursing home or medical facility, so I think I might could make up some friends and carry on lively conversations with them. I kind of think I might be doing that soon anyhow. We had NY strip for dinner. I cannot afford NY strip. I even bought Mrs. Paul's fish sticks. I have not eaten them since the kids were little. People are going crazy all over the country, and I doubt anyone would notice me talking to someone that wasn't there. Heck, I have been talking to Billy for nearly five years now. I know what he would say so I answer back for him. Hang in there people, I don't understand all this, certainly don't understand our daily talks with the president but I am much comforted after he finishes because I recognize a fellow that is just as mixed up as I am. I'll bet he talks to himself more than he tweets. twitters, or whatever that is called. These are strange times. Especially when my word salads start making sense. Love you Gwen. I know your not gonna let that bully push you around. We are actually better friends to ourselves than some other people would be.
  10. Kieron, this is beautiful. I'm headed toward my 78th year and I had never heard of this. My daughter would like to do this. My hands shake too bad. I tried getting one of the pretty adult coloring books, thinking coloring would help me, but found I could no longer color between the lines and was so disappointed. If I did not have the hand shaking so bad, I could and would have helped make the simplistic masks the nurses are begging for and certainly our government should provide for these Angels of Mercy. This is really wonderful and I'm going to tell my daughter about it and have her look it up. I wish I could be steady enough to do this, but when I am cooking, I've began having trouble turning over things in a frying pan. Again, these are beautiful. I read up the page and find my thoughts are only on my shakiness. I'm sorry about that. It really is what it is and I should be happy I can still walk instead of talking about my minimal physical stupidities. You have such a beautiful hobby and again, I think my daughter would love this.
  11. Adorable. Of course. Congratulations to all your family.
  12. Did I write that I found it? I went around probably hundreds of sick people to do it. But, I have 8 rolls and 8 rolls of towel paper. They were limiting, this was two stores. Hey, I was getting serious about buying that Romaine lettuce or dryer sheets if I could not find it. Plenty of Kleenex though. I can do without a lot of things, but toilet paper is not one of them. Now I read about your Ally. Oh, I hope everything is okay. I'm so sorry Gwen. Please let us know how she is doing. I'm so sorry.
  13. Gwen, guess it is not the same up in Seattle. We are supposed to isolate, but we have to hit the stores to get something as simple, and necessary as toilet paper. I still cannot understand people standing around in grocery stores fighting over toilet and towel paper. They say the virus is human/animal mix, so they all seem to be affected by "mad cow disease." That is all I can figure. They cannot eat toilet paper. It does not affect the intestinal machinations that would require more toilet paper. Even the Tylenol was gone off Walmart shelves (because we have been warned against any of the non-steroidal's. Plenty of ibuprofen. I can't take anything but Tylenol anyhow so I have plenty. I cannot get out of my mind that little elderly woman fighting with people to leave her shopping cart alone. Toilet paper. Now, it is a very big necessity for me but should just be a regular thing for families like buying trash bags. I cannot wrap my head around these crazy people. Reminds me of the little woman who came into the ER to speak to psychiatrists between 11-7 night shift. One psychiatrist was going with the other psychiatrist's wife and they started a fist fight in front of the elderly woman needing help. She went out the door very fast saying "I'm getting out of here, they crazier than I is." My sentiments exactly with the hoarding of toilet paper.
  14. Life has been crazy for nearly five years. Actually, six if you count my illness the year before we lost Billy. I am totally discombobulated. Can we go back to that big newspaper we got each day and get rid of all the news channels. I had cause to say something was "rough as a cob" and Brianna did not understand. So, I explained to her that in the "olden days" when people had toilet houses,. they would keep toilet paper in it if they had it, but I can remember some grandparents home having the Sears Roebuck catalog hung up with a wire coat hanger holding it up and you could slide a page out. Then I told her that people were corn farmers (and I can remember this) In the picture is my mom, Kelli, my cousin, and my grandmother (and me). That back field for acres and acres was planted in corn and sometimes (can't see it) but to the right was the sugar cane. Anyhow, I told Bri that people used to use dried corn cobs in outhouses and she was horrified that people actually used corn cobs for that. I had to google it and read her people talking about it and she told me "never talk about that again." I don't think I have laughed so much in a long time. (No, I have never). Just wait until I tell her about slopping the hogs and what they threw into that big old container at the door to the outside of my grandmothers kitchen. After they got the bathroom my grandfather took a bath and then he liberally used the talcum powder, which just happened to be the tub cleaner, Old Dutch Girl, or Blue Dutch Girl (all I remember is the Comet kind). We've come a long way baby, and now some crazy errant virus is smarter than us. I actually can sort of understand the mutation of the virus easier than I can people buying all the toilet paper.
  15. Okay, I'm gonna tell you something stupid I just did. Still not worried. Maybe I ought to be. My daughter wrote me on Facebook and it slides in the side of whatever page I am on, so I just answered her on this page. Now do you see how crazy worrying about toilet paper can make me!!!!!!
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