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Marg M

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About Marg M

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

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  1. I read Martin Short's autobiography a couple of years ago. It struck me in a way that I was feeling things. I felt like I could reach over and touch Billy's arm, knowing the feel of his anatomy more than my own. I remembered the scars, he was tall and not really skinny, but I could feel his bones and touch his high cheek bones above his beard, and I can still feel him, but yet he is not there.......but he is. I talk to him, less really than I did. Perhaps my widow friend was right, "your still young in your grief." Her husband had been gone over 10 years. Yesterday a "friend" from my "before Billy" days was mentioned and my only action/feeling was a recoil, a disgust, and that made me sort of sad. He was a good guy, but there had already been and always would be only one "good guy." In Martin Short's book he was still having imaginary cocktails with his deceased wife after she was gone. He carried on his regular witty conversations with her, imagined her replies and he said he knew the conversation would end, but he had to ask it, "where are you Nancy" and she quit talking to him until the next evening. This morning, the king sized bed, the old fashioned real king sized bed, I had the comforter on that Billy had loved. He thought it was beautiful. I reached over and a part of the cover was doubled over and I could feel his arm with the scar from an old accident, then I felt the comforter. In my belief, he is waiting on me. My son had been shot and coded twice on the OR table to be revived, taken back to his room to await surgery when he was stronger. He had a NDE that showed him light, people he knew, but did not know how he knew them, they were all loving to him and he wanted to stay, but they said he couldn't. He told me his dad (Billy) was waiting for me and I would know him, and I "want to feel" he will be there for me. As he used to ask "why do you believe like you do" and he was satisfied with my answer "because I have to." He had helped me so many times with my faith, and now at age 77, I feel I am closer to him than I was shortly after he left. I have to believe that. I have noticed I did some things in shock after Billy left. It has to be a shock akin to losing the use of your anatomy after a stroke. It is a shock I cannot explain, and do not try to. I won't find him in a coverlet on my bed, I feel closer to him when the moon is full, I talk to the moon, I feel closer in the white billowing clouds. I have no real explanation. We find solace where we can. All of us different, all of us the same, and after nearly four years, the shock is still with me. Will be the rest of my days. And yes, I still cry. Sometimes when I am alone it seems endless and I don't want to quit. Other times I cry, cannot talk, during a TV show or ridiculous commercial. I keep a roll of paper towels by the recliner, and my family, all of them, are used to this. I was telling my sister (and she has a new car, hooray), about something that had made me so angry at Billy. She said it was no use to me to get angry at him now, he was not here. I told her it did not help him, but it helped me sometimes to get angry at him. I cannot stay that way, but sometimes we do things that do not make any sense at all just to protect ourselves.......for a moment.
  2. Really not a time for me to write about my past fur babies. I am sorry Kay and I know this is tearing you up. My heart is with you..
  3. Kay, it is so hard to let go. I was not letting go of Billy. That is why I hit his hands down when they reached for me. He was hurting so bad. I don't know if I can ever let go, but how much more humane to save your loved fur babies from the extreme pain we humans have to go through. They just go into a peaceful sleep that we also wish we could do. Daddy had prostate cancer. My pastor's dad had prostate cancer and he told Mama it would be a cruel inhumane death. Mama got angry at the pastor (and frankly, I did not blame her). We suffer along with our loved ones. I held Billy in my arms while he puked his insides out. In the ER they did nothing for him. He was sitting in a corner with me surrounding him, holding him, putting as much morphine into him I could get him to keep down, yet when we take our fur babies in, they slip them a shot and they leave us in a painless way. So unselfish of us to want their peace. How selfish of humanity to let our loved ones hurt in the most impossible way. My dad had decubitus ulcers on his heels where he had dug down against the pain. We kept vigil by their bed because they could not give enough morphine to kill them, just enough that we sitting by their sides would pray to God, please let that be the last breath, but no, moments later a deep breath and we would start all over again. My mama said something very humane, very intelligent, "why can't we give our loved ones Heroin, they will still meet the same end, but possibly they would not hurt so bad, possibly their waking moments would have a more "feel good" high than the laborious Cheyne-Stokes breathing that we can only hope is their last. You will miss your fur baby terribly, but he will not leave you hurting himself, he will just sleep. I have heard of them, now I know of one case they brought in one of the "Angels of Mercy" for a friend of mine, for her husband. Who am I to judge?
  4. And, what business is it for anyone to criticize you for anything you do for you or yours, anything of yours? Murmurings are just things said when people put their foot in their mouth, or maybe in this case type with their toes. You take care of your house, your fur baby, your life like you would do if no one ever said anything. No one else but your business. Like our grieving, that is the path that we walk and no one else can do it for us. No recommendations to you for your fur baby, he has a big smile on his face, he is well fed, it is your property, and I hope he lives out his life with all the love that you give, with as little pain as possible. For two years, on my back road to Walmart there is a small black dog that runs between three roads. I cannot have animals here, and he has a collar on him. I do know the traffic is slow for the country setting of the big nice homes on those roads and I have to believe he belongs to one of these houses. If he didn't, he would have his ribs showing and he is very well fed. I can only surmise he belongs to one of these families and probably gets out of the yard, and they are all fenced yards, nice homes. But, he is going to be hit by a car, I'm afraid, yet he has been doing this for 2-3 so I can only hope he is traffic savvy. You also are gossip savvy, and I am sure you take such things with a grain of salt, so to speak. No one's business. Your fur baby is well fed, has a beautiful smile, and you know to ignore stupid people.
  5. He looks like he has a permanent smile. Good pictures Kay.
  6. I'm so sorry about the fur babies. Kelli's Nawlin's had a high fever, had a seizure, tiny poodle that is getting on up there in age. Kelli having the radiation every day and it making her ill, throwing up, sores in her mouth. Nawlin's would just die if she was away from Kelli, has to be touching her at all times. The vet gave her medicine, think a steroid, and it caused reactions. At least now she is sleeping it off, both of them. We went to see "Mamma Mia" at the big city theater and none of us got to bed until the a.m. hours so everyone slept it off except Brianna who could not sleep. Just want Kelli to sleep all day, Nawlin's too. Kelli got 24 red roses from an anonymous source (for her birthday) so she gave a rose to everyone in her apartment that meet downstairs each night. I never remember July having but 31 days, but I swear this month has 61. I hope for peace for all of you. Things really get hectic.
  7. He was called "Billy the Kid" because he loved to get presents. The kids loved celebrating his birthday more than their own. They miss him terribly. I see them nearly every day. They are only a little over a mile from me. Kelli washes my clothes, they have W/D in their apartments. Somewhere along the way in life the celebrations of my own dates became a bother for me. I think I am like my mom's mother. She is famous for going through the motions and keeping all the gifts she got in one chest of drawers. Next Christmas she wrapped each gift (already given to her, never taken out of the box, or however it was wrapped, and she would just re-gift it back to them. She didn't have to shop and there were so many grandchildren sometimes she would run out of gift wrap and finish up with toilet paper, and a bow. More than one time one of the girls was heard to say "she gave me the gift I gave her last year." One day is the same as the others, you feel the absence each day. I know we all do.
  8. Trying not to be too dramatic today. This was his last birthday cake and he was gone less than three months later. Even at this time we didn't know he was even sick. Doc twice a year, more if I detected anything wrong. Lab work obviously was looked at nothing but urinary function, but full lab work. By this time his liver was gone. His back hurt enough we did go to the doctor, we knew he had herniated disks. We were ready for the fast surgery that he gets out of hospital overnight. No fear. My mind would not accept what I heard and would tell him nothing but we would have another miracle, we both had stood on the precipice of death more than three times and did not fall off. He fell this time fast. My old slow man, slow walking, slow moving, he just disappeared...........and I am getting dramatic. He is gone. I'm still here for right now. I have a picture somewhere on this blog with us both standing on a bridge, him on one side, me on the other. All I have to do is move to his side. This is just another day, just like yesterday, just like tomorrow, but we are not promised tomorrow, are we?
  9. Today is my husband's birthday. Yes, this is a club no one wants to join. Please browse all the posts in all the column's, your twin is here, you have never met her/him, but she/he is here in hundreds of different forms and posts. My heart is with you. We loved so much, we grieve so much harder. I'm sorry. No words can comfort, but you have many fellow grievers walking the path right beside yours, because we cannot walk the same one. We cannot see you, but we can reach out and touch you.
  10. Kay, you were restrained away from him. I have no excuse except disbelief. I'm so sorry you were kept away. It was just me and Billy and God in that room and God decided to show me I was not boss. I think shock made me think I was in charge. One time a road mower threw a rock into Billy's side window. The glass shattered but stayed in one place, and I learned the meaning of safety glass. It shook me up so bad, he would have been killed. He knew how much he meant to me. His little tall, lanky body had taken all it could in the ER and he was puking his guts out with me feeding him the morphine. I hope it helped him. Any pain our partners felt at that time of leaving us, we have felt every day since. I see my sister hating marriage (she lived with my folks a lot longer than I did), and her determination not to have a mate of any sort, now she is alone with only me and my kids. Her disposition repels close friendship, like my mom's did. And I don't remember which poet said it, (not gonna google it), but it is so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We miss them, we loved them, we feel guilt, we feel loneliness, sometimes anger, but at one time our life was full, we knew happiness of love and being loved in return. Some do not have that ever. I was talking about reading on another forum and mentioned that my new husband was jealous of my books at first, until I got him to reading. Innocent statement, but I had to go back and put in parentheses (new husband in 1961), and thought it rather comical that someone at my age, depth of my marriage would be mistaken to have a "new" husband. I even heard from a long lost relative. After so many years, good and bad, how could you marry again without unfair comparison. Some do, but they are a lot younger than I am and did not marry as a child and grow up into an adult along with that husband. I'll quit backtracking and say some can, some cannot.
  11. Billy's whole system was enveloped with cancer. I typed transcription for 43 years. I thought I knew something. I did know black letters typed on white paper somewhere in a million patient's charts. I did not know Billy was leaving me. I even angrily hit his hands when he was telling me he had to go when he had his one big .......I'm at a loss for words. Impossible for me to be at a loss for words. I hit his hands and told him "NO!!!" and he did not listen to me. He left anyhow. I wanted to go first. Dammit, I was always the sickest. He had to take care of me so many times through life or death times. We were going to have another miracle. He could not give up. But he did. He had to, and three years and nine months later I am still here. I think the guilt sometimes is forgot for moments and days at times. Then, there it is and I say to those low hanging clouds "I cannot believe you left me." But he did, and it was not on purpose, and I would not talk about how sick he was with him, he knew. He knew I knew. That man was so slow and lanky with his movements, never in a hurry, always there to take my anxiety away. I really have let up on myself a lot over this time, and you will too. We just miss them so much. You love a lot, you hurt a lot.
  12. I saw it too Gwen. We usually watch good ones twice (sometimes the 2nd time comes kinda new). Goes along with the age I guess.
  13. Kevin, love these pictures. Hope the world is treating you right. Hope your enjoying your new home. Hope springs eternal. (Those children, those eyes, beautiful).
  14. Katie girl, don't ever think any of us forget you. You, my dear, are thought of probably more often than anyone on here. We all suffer, but we recognize your suffering also, and we don't forget. Can never forget. It is seeing your strength that supplies each of us with faith to take the next step.
  15. You are one of the "Angel's Unaware" that should have more honor given them. But we don't do things for honor, that is what makes "Angels Unaware." This was the name of the book written by Dale Evans, wife of Roy Rogers. I also have Billy Graham's book on Angels. I know you do not go by my belief, but you are still an Angel, whether you believe it or not. Graham said angels are a mystery to many people because they do not have physical bodies. However, he said, on occasion angels appear as ordinary humans or glorious celestial beings that reflect the majesty of God. And, I know that is too thick for you to swallow, but Marty is an Angel, also Kay and George, and those many that contribute to help those that need help. They are just unaware of being Angels. Hettie, my neighbor, was my Angel. All this is stated as my opinion.
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