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Marg M

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About Marg M

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Location (city, state)
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

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  1. Kay, will they do a colonoscopy with no one with you to drive you home? My sister went "to the big city" and kept her appointment, but one of the written rules was that she had to have someone drive her home. Of course, that was when she had a car, and I am pretty sure she read that on the instructions.
  2. I think I will just get rid of the "word salad" I just put out. Sorry. Some days I feel like this.
  3. And, again different people. Buspar made me nauseated to such an extent, I could not take it and tried about three different times. The Prozac gave my granddaughter's nurse relief from her anxiety, it gave me the shakes worse than I already have. Different physical body types. I think it is most times like shooting an arrow with a blindfold on. My poor daughter has been on every kind they make at least once, and yes, one did give her diabetes. It's a jungle out here in la-la land.
  4. Cookie, my granddaughter's nurse takes Prozac, and she takes it for anxiety. (See how different we all are. It did make me shake worse.) She says it cured her anxiety. You are going to have some symptoms from any antidepressant, and if they are not too bad, you give them time to work. If you cannot tolerate the symptoms, you have to quit them. It took me a while to learn some pills are not magic. A long time I thought all pills were magic. The depression we are all going through is a natural depression from loss. "I am you, you are me" and suddenly 1/2 of that is gone. The 17th was 3-1/2 years Billy has been gone. Yesterday I thought, well, if it hurts so much just pretend he left you for another woman and get angry at him. After all, C.S. Lewis said "someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again" so I will make up my own. If you feel the depression is so bad that you want "to leave" then you might try another one. I went into antidepressants with the attitude they would help, but like I said, I was so far gone a sugar pill would have helped if the doc had told me of the miracles it performed. Do you know they used Tofranil to stop bed wetting. That was what it was used for first, antidepressant effect was noticed later on. (I will say I never wet the bed while on it.) Not all antidepressants have the same side effects, if you try another, don't read the side effects unless you start having something you cannot put up with. Did you know one side effect of penicillin is a black hairy tongue. After 43 years of typing all these symptoms and side effects, at the very last I typed a patient with that symptom. Another word salad. Just don't give up on things and suffer more than we already do.. 💘 goes out to you. Let us hear from you.
  5. Tom, my Billy's mind was wired with numbers, mine with words. I will not even attempt next year. Will take directly to H&R Block. I am not wired for numbers, but I will tell you one thing, numbers sure get me wired.
  6. Did I tell you I bought a cane too. It is a folding one and I don't remember where I put it. I have plans. God always laughs at me when I have plans. 💗💖💖
  7. Yes, they charge a fee but another Xanax and I would still be asleep. The fee was less than usual. In fact, TurboTax charges a three number fee if you ask to talk to a real person. At the point I was distressed to, I would have given them the whole refund. My family has offered to do it for me, but I will just take it to them every time. People were talking about Trump's making us get less, but he actually made me get more. I'm sorry, do not want to talk about politics and lunatics and I fit the latter. I was just so glad to get rid of it. Numbers actually make me physically angry. I'm satisfied. Probably could have got it cheaper somewhere else, but maybe every time you use them it gets cheaper cause it was this time. I tried putting a savings back, but by the end of the month one of the people needs it. This is going to help me move to the W/D apartment. My sister already needs it for the plumbing in her house, but I am going to be selfish.
  8. I lied. By 4:00 pm I was so confused I took it to H&R Block who has done it every year and were through with it in 15-20 minutes. I'm not even going to try.
  9. I am fooling around trying to keep from doing my taxes myself, but I'm going to do it, even with arithmophobia. I have a real hate/fear of numbers. If I take it to H&R Block they will take half my refund. I have many people in my family that are needy, me being one of them, but I've got to do it. I have TurboTax, nothing really to take off, it is just n-u-m-b-e-r-s 🤬 😈🤢. I came across a talk, transcript, (while I am procrastinating), and I listened to her. She is young. What she is saying does not apply to me and it made me angry that she could be so blase about it, but she has walked through the fire, and I will not judge if her bare feet are still on the coals. She is making jokes. I did not listen. I read some of the transcript and I know Marty probably knows her, maybe has recommended her to some, but maybe facing the IRS and comedy routine (not a bad routine), just angered me. Enough to go back to the taxes. For you young people, reading or listening to Nora McInerny might be helpful. Guess you have to have an open mind, feel like you are part of what she is talking about, or just plain something. I don't usually get perturbed with people trying to help, and honestly, maybe the reason it bothers me is I am so damn old. I like being flippant, joking, but she is doing this from walking through the flames, finding a new life totally, and I'm not a part of what she is discussing. But some of you might really be, it might help some of you. Not me. My mind is like that old tree that once had a part of it stripped away but is growing back, even with the open chasm still there.
  10. Cookie, I have the diagnosis of "chronic depression" and I thought I might have made my kids inherit bipolar from me. I used to study this mental stuff trying to understand bipolar, knew it was what my dad had, so I guess I did pass it down to them. Both are brilliant and talented, but there is something that gets in the way, guess it is just the difference between the manic phase and the depressive phase. I remember my dad looking at the sky and saying the color some days was blue and other days just a dull gray. At the time I did not understand, but my son, who he was talking to, he understood. My chronic depression was covered pretty easily by an antidepressant Prozac, which I took for probably 15 years. One time during a dream I bit Billy on the back. Yes, it sounds funny in the telling, shocked the heck out of him. I remember the vivid dream I was having and was losing a fight so I bit that person on the leg only to wake up with "Marg, what are you doing???" Scared me too. But it was still funny and is a comic legend in our family. My doc cut me down on the Prozac as she thought it might have had something to do with this. Now, my long time psychiatrist was a true bipolar person also, so I felt very safe taking her advice. I had no ill effects from the Prozac for so long except a complete lack of feelings of happiness, sadness, enjoyment, I was just a robot that did not cry. I'm sure I took it too long. We tried other ones, but it was the best for me. They have come out with some better ones, I understand, I hope. The blunted feelings I hated. But, that was not depression, or was it? They do not make everyone feel the same. I cannot take anything but the Xanax now, because of the radiation destroyed tissue on my inside of my body (won't hold a stitch or glue), cannot be removed since the colon rupture. At least I don't have to go for any more colonoscopies or GYN exams. Some good things happened for a bad thing that would only be made worse. My schedule runs like this: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, take granddaughter to school. She is still afraid to even attempt to drive, so Wednesday we go to the big city to her counselor. Then I have Friday free, if I have taken care of the business things I have to take my sister to, groceries, cigarettes, the essentials. A widow who lives in the apartments asked if I had ever felt Billy's presence. I have before, but I think I sent it away because it scared me. Billy was never superstitious and would not want to scare me. I am not strong mentally or physically. I hurt in too many places to complain about. They cannot fix me anyhow. When I sit down for any period of time, I have to just stand still for a minute or two. I'm okay once I get over the hurting initially, then if I can keep going. Doc wanted to check my blood work. Why? I cannot take any more pills. I will keep running until that white light comes on showing I'm out of gasoline. Then someone else will have to do what I do. I don't think I will worry by then. Word salads are sometimes what mental patients do with words, lots of words, sometimes makes no sense whatsoever, but I get "carried away."
  11. I remember Prince Charles being thought of as dumb when years ago he warned of climate change. I've had a new respect for him.
  12. I went to a fellow from India, he had written a book. This has been back in the 1980's, I paid $125 for about 15 minutes, I bought his book even, his mantra for me is "you have to learn to love yourself." So, I said, I love myself, I won't be back.
  13. Karen, the book, The Two Old Women was short and rather juvenile other than it showed two old women who thought they were left all alone in the world to face all kinds of terror and on top of everything else, their joints ached, they hurt to bend over and pick up the sticks they had to find in the snow and they had to reach back in memory on how to catch animals so they would not starve. Squirrel broth one meal, meat the next, they had to keep up their strength and between the two of them they built up a couple of seasons worth of food that their tribe did not have. They shared, but only as they gave it out. I think it was just telling us, in a fairy tale sort of way, a legend of two old women, that deep down, if we reach far enough we might find resources to live that we didn't realize we had. To the tribe they were just two griping, bitching old women, but when push came to shove, they were stronger than the whole tribe. It was just sort of a parable, but it sure felt good sleeping on those spruce (cannot remember tree mattresses) with the fur laid on top and then crawling under the fur in the mornings, to 80 or 75 year old legs and arms, it just felt better to lay there. They did it though with urging from each one. I was at the laundromat today and a woman about my age (her husband passed away three years ago August), and she just had to have heart bypass, no relatives with her, one of the women from the apartments stayed with her nights for two weeks. She did not know her, it was just the kindness of strangers. We were washing clothes and we both had to sit down, our joints were hurting. Kelli (daughter) is a retired nurse and she helps take care of some of the elderly at her apartment building. She was a born nurse, just like Billy. She has two more teratomas (they are tumors, not malignant, but will grow) on the back of her head and the Cleveland Clinic wants to wait three months, the neurosurgeon is going to see her sooner. He wants to do some kind of ablation to get to the root of them. She has them along her spine they can do nothing about. She is afraid, so am I. She's tough. I hope your teeth do not give you too much more trouble. They wanted to put implants for me, I asked were they guaranteed and they said "no." Well, the prices quoted me about five years ago were so much it was not worth it. The antibiotics I would have to take forever would kill me. I'm not gonna hang around long enough for all that pain. They wanted to draw blood and I wouldn't let them. I'm not taking any more pills. Pain pills will kill me too. I'm back reading C.J. Box's new Joe Pickett novel. I've played around with so many authors, but The Two Old Women was just a legend passed down........hey, it could happen. Sometimes we are tough old goats.
  14. Mitch, if you are, you have a lot of company. I'm not appalled at my feelings. It does not matter the age, the amount of time, none of that matters. You had a lot of love to give, you still have that love for the person, we just don't have the person. I went on one of my trips Friday. I spoke to Billy very little. And then it hit me. I have no idea what his voice sounded like and I am grieving all over again. No one is nuts, but some of us are worn out, worn down, tired, bewildered, and just plain exhausted. I feel like I lost another piece of him. I am him, he is me, why can't I hear his voice? We do what we can and accept what we have to accept. I saw the flowers again this year. Looked just like they did last year. Joy is something we miss.
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