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Marg M

Contributor
  • Posts

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Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Louisiana
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

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  1. I know if I punch the wrong thing I have to wait for my kids to correct it. I don't care, I like to read my Kindle, and so far can do that. Gotta go to town to get my "candy corn" and 1-2 other things. So much going wrong and I'm so sorry. Not running on smooth roads down in this part of the country either. Invited to my class reunion. What am I going to do being at a sit down dinner with a bunch of old folks? One of us carrying COVID will wipe the whole bunch out. I have memories and talk to them on FB. Not much to say. (Oh, I have a lot to say), but can't do anything about it. My hearts are with you all. I will do all I can, and that is give you a group hug and hope to see you some more days longer.
  2. I cry all the time. Point your finger at me and I can cry. I don't talk to him as much as I used to. I miss that. I have gone to sleep in the recliner 2-3 times over these six years and he visited me. It was so real that I saw his shoes, his pants, never saw his face, but he kissed me on the forehead. It was so real that I got scared of going to sleep in the recliner. He does not visit me at night. And now, I'm sure he is so busy with those three old girlfriends that he won't visit me again. Life, for us living, after their death is just treading water, marching in time with the music we cannot hear anymore. I'm just so sorry you lost him. I'm so sorry we all lost our hearts. "I am you and you are me" is what he used to say. I still am him. I cannot visit our favorite places because even though we were "one," he really is not there. Girls, I moved the boxes to the empty bedroom. I peeped in them, more pictures in all of them. We sure took a lot of pictures. Elizabeth, I wrote this grief site three days after Billy was gone. I'm still writing. In the meantime, my girlfriend (life long friend) has lost two husbands. After this last one, she had to have heart repair work. She had let herself go and took care of the last husband who had a heart attack on their honeymoon. He was mostly an invalid for about 12 years. I wish there was a cure. Please Gwen, Kay, Dee, Gin, Marty, Brat, and all you others that I left names off, please take care of yourself.
  3. Elizabeth, three of my husbands old girlfriends have passed on and I went through a period of jealousy. I have gone through everything these past six years (tomorrow). I have been so angry at him. I have pictured him looking at me and telling me he loved me but he didn't like me. Unfortunately, I have tried to kill him off a number of times, but he is already gone. And as always, I come back to my little grandma, who left her memories in a book form before she left us in 1983 or 1984. She had a country grocery store. My grandfather had been gone for 19 years. A woman asked her if she was a widow and then "how much time had passed." My grandmother said "19 years" and the woman told her, "well, you've had enough time to get over it.." My grandmother wrote "strange, it seems like yesterday." I think we all go through so much, so many times, and like Rose Kennedy said, time does not heal the wounds. "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." -Rose Kennedy. I'm so sorry for your loss, for your family's loss. I was so angry I was going to write the CEO of the hospital I had retired from, where Billy passed away, they kept him in the ER all night in terrible pain, after 4:00 a.m. they took him to a room. He was gone after 7:00 a.m. I still have not written the letter. I won't. Six years ago tomorrow. Just another day marking time. I will see him again. No matter how they go, we will miss them every minute of every day and night. I slide out of bed to keep from disturbing him each day. That has not stopped, and then I just ignore it.
  4. I didn't see it Kay, but if I try to put on eye makeup it winds up on my ears. I have lived since the 6th grade with this getting a tiny bit worse each year, sometimes not even noticeable. It came on my aunt late in life and she quit eating, she just plain didn't want to live. She had lost everyone in her family and her great grandchildren and grandchildren did not want to put up with her weird angry life. She had been that way as long as I had known her, and we grew up together. She lost her beauty though, and she could not handle that. I figure I have lost nothing but Billy and once or twice in a long time, have to find a bathroom fast. I don't mind staying at home. I cannot see and plan through both of our vision, so I will just wait it out. The shaking is like the chronic depression, they are part of me.
  5. I think the propranolol helps the shaking. Of course it is not gone. It is not like Parkinson's, continual shaking, actually sometimes does not shake at all. For a very long time now, I have had a shakiness inside I thought was anxiety and it went on through my fingers where I could not even type. It has stopped. But, I told my daughter I definitely was more depressed. She said "Mama, it is not the pill, it is just a few days until Daddy's been gone six years." That is true. I think living with him for 54 years, I saw things through both our eyes, we'd agree or disagree, very seldom disagreed the last 30 or so years. I cannot find the joy that seeing things just through my eyes, without Billy's, I cannot find any joy in that. I have tried the driving around and I cry most of the time. I sometimes just want to stay in the house. No fishing, that was mine and Billy's sport. I do believe though Kelli is right, I just don't like October, used to be our picture taking month, the autumn leaves. I hope you all get to feeling better soon.
  6. Atlas with my son Jeff(Atlas's Uncle)....started Kindergarden last month..

    IMG_0615.jpg

    1. Marg M

      Marg M

      Now that is a couple of good looking young men.  I remember Atlas as a baby, knew he would live up to his name.  Great family.  

    2. kevin

      kevin

      Atlas has 4 Big brothers.....lots of protection

  7. Happy Birthday to Kay and Kodie. Hope it is getting beautiful autumn weather and the fires are gone.
  8. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, probably best not to tell me, just ignore the extra box. I'd try to fix it, but my fixit days are behind me. Speaking of behind me, I had lost 8 pounds in six months. Didn't try. Oh well, no blood anywhere. Hypochondriac me will just keep rolling. I mean 8 pounds, geeze, I guarantee you, no one but the scales and nurse knew.
  9. Not saying it stops the anxiety. I was scared. I used to be able to do mind over matter things. I'm not that good at it anymore. Talked to my nurse practitioner today. We dropped the clonidine, I will take the propranolol tomorrow night instead. I talked with pharmacist also. Like the picture says, "I only have to work on fixing me." Kelli took me to Arkansas. I have reached the stage that they all had rather someone drive me other than me driving myself. I drive everywhere I want to drive. But, I am appreciative of the help. She is not well herself, but she works rings around me. This is how I feel tonight. Did not cut down my Xanax, but I have tried to. I think in your case, Gwen, I would want all the help I could get, and I hope you go back to the dosage that helped. We do need quality of life first, and hope quantity follows along behind. My friend is in hospice, all medications cut off. He came to see Billy when he was in the hospital. He said he was ready to "go" but he hated hurting family and friends. My thoughts are with him tonight. October used to be my favorite month. Not so anymore. I hope you get your meds adjusted and the pain and anxiety are lessened Gwen.
  10. Gwen, my wish for you is for the anxiety and pain to stop. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Life sometimes seems like "how" and we don't have an answer. I definitely will send some "mustard seed faith" prayers your way. It is all I've got.
  11. Often there is a German Wirehaired Pointer commercial, just the animal in the feature, not just featuring just him, but Briar was Billy's favorite animal. Very active, needed exercising very often. Billy had gotten to where he could not climb the mountain behind our house and when we let him run on his own, the main highway was too close, actually far enough away that a regular dog would not bother, but Briar was not a regular dog. At first Billy trained him and I suspect things were going on then, I figured it was just age. Once he let him run and he got ahold of a fox and my neighbor called. Billy had to kill the fox and was afraid to let Briar run. Like some sort of sign, a friend told us of a man who had just lost his "best friend" and was saddened. He lived out in the country on 40 acres, well off the road, a big barn, a large pond (Briar loved the water), and we were told that when this man had a pet, it was his "best friend." The man came to see Briar and they just loved each other right away. I think Billy was jealous, but it was not good to have an active dog and not let him run. Briar was 7-years-old at this point. It was like he knew he had found a forever home and he never looked back at Billy, so Billy knew he was going to be okay. Billy wasn't. Every time the commercial came on he would tear-up, but knew it was best for Briar. He had 40 acres (and more) to run all day, and the man loved him. He was easy to love. (So was Billy). Oh, the dog was never vicious or mean, a very sweet tempered dog, just one that said "let me run." Don't pen me in.
  12. I cooked a meat loaf dinner, one of the Lean Cuisine ones. Whatever they cook next door has this spice added. I don't use it, but it is mixed with tomatoes, I guess. They are moving all her things out of the apartment. I'm getting terribly old and cranky because one kid, probably 3-4 had a scream that would work in a (I hate to call it music) rap group because it is just words. They could throw this kids screams in at the exact time and work around it. I'm sure it would be a hit. She wasn't hurting and each scream was the same pitch and length, pause, go again, and no one was bothered but me. Old damn woman. This woman was 90 and she has at least 100 children, grandchildren, and I think even at least one great-great. It was like a New Orleans funeral, everyone was having a good time. The granddaughter felt so sorry for me because I cried. (I do cry at dog commercials), and this woman was ready to go "home." I'm not sure I blamed her. Last night the skunk weed smell was seeping through everything. But, the kid was not screaming. One granddaughter between 50-60 had a bottle of Vodka and she was happy. I have not got my mail again in the last few days. Kelli's tumor markers were negative. She got to quit the chemo. Now for the MRI or CT or both. I got my regular flu shot today, he added some more to my blood pressure meds, supposed to work on the tremor, propranolol. I knew that, but it also sometimes makes the depression worse. My aunt took it. We will see. I told him no more antidepressants. I took those suckers over 20 years and took Prozac so long I had a nightmare, was fighting "someone" in my sleep and reached over and bit Billy's shoulder. He jumped out of bed wanting to know what was wrong with me. I was in a nightmare fight with some more women. He always said fight dirty, so I was. Doctor cut down and then cut off the Prozac. I didn't miss it. (Neither did Billy). He slept facing me for awhile. That's all down in the flatlands. We had a "cool snap" and it is now 76 degrees. Hang in there y'all.
  13. I woke up to the ambulance in front of the apartments. I could not keep looking, felt like I was intruding. I've never seen my neighbor, knew she was very ill. They never would let the people who spray for bugs come in. Made them let them a couple of months ago and they were everywhere. They have to spray mine twice to keep the neighbors bugs from coming into my apartment. I know I do not like the smell from what they cook. Don't know what it is, but I don't eat something with that odor. Not "country cooking" and I don't know how to explain it, but it makes me nauseated. She has "kin" come in all the time to help her. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law both have dementia. My SIL was not happy when their only child (never married, a teacher), moved in with them. I've talked to my niece, but not before my SIL called me and told me to tell Scott to come get her. I didn't know what to do. She has been away from the south, her old home, since about 1965. She lives right outside of Albuquerque. She is three years younger than me, but is clearly into dementia. BIL got angry and got in his car and police stopped him driving wrong way on interstate. Not drunk, just in early stages of dementia. Sitting in police cell over night made him happy to give up his car keys, but my SIL fought it. Finally, after police came out four times, she is settled down and the one 53-year-old "child" has them under control, very soft talking, very calm, and lives with them. Still teaching, someone checks on them while she is working. On the other hand, Billy's nephew who is a year younger than me, he is into dementia now, and I am just shook up that so many of my "family" are in dementia. I probably watch myself more closely than I should. There are words that won't come to me and I've found if you enter into Google a meaning of the word, the word forgotten comes up. Billy always said if I didn't have something to worry about, then I'd make up something. I worry constantly about my daughter, son and granddaughter. We have not heard from my grandson in at least a year.. He was totally sane coming out of rehab and sane enough to let us know that he was definitely going back into the drugs. He was very clear thinking. I think actually, he was living/married? to someone he thinks our southern family would disprove of, and maybe he is happy being there. If he was happy, I would not disprove of it. I just hope they can take care of him. Myself, I am slower, I cannot say I don't hurt anywhere because I do, can only take Tylenol. I'm actually used to it. Living alone is like being 8-9 years old and making me sleep in my own room away from my parents because there is a new baby. I hear sounds. I lock myself in my room at night. I sleep good. I read sometimes until 4:00 a.m. Actually, we have had kids break into cars and steal whatever they can that you leave in your car. They catch them, they are juveniles. I leave my patio light on because the woman who lives "down the hill" parks in front of my patio fence. I keep my light on for her. She goes to work at the hospital at 4:00 a.m. We have more drive by shootings (which would be hard to do in these apartments), but houses in neighboring towns have it. In one high school, in three days, they have had to arrest about 20 kids, this was "gang" fighting. So, these things do not only happen in NYC. Still waiting on Kelli's results of her tests, has to have CT scans too yet. My son has adapted himself to my father's personality. I know the sweet boy is in there somewhere. He just does not talk. Work, sleep, work sleep, and that is all. This from the Romeo of young men since he was 13 years old. I think the last one he was positive to be trusted, to find out she was writing one of his friends, I think that nine years turned him off relationships. Word salad for today. Alive, not hurting any more than usual, but alone, trying to get used to that. (Definitely for the best) for all of us. Friends dropping right and left, I think that is where the depression comes in. One friend had very dangerous surgery the first week in September. She lives in Wisconsin. I have not heard from her, don't know if that is good or bad. Guess it is life as we know it when you hit 79.
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