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Marg M

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About Marg M

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Louisiana
  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. My family uses it mostly to keep in touch with each other at night. I have been known to get into political squabbles but since I don't understand politics (oh gosh, sorry I said that word), all I do is pick the splinters out of riding the middle. And, I keep up with classmates and people I used to work with as far away as Kansas now. Some of my friends who just lost their husband are having a hard time and thanks to this forum, I am able to tell them nothing they feel is wrong, we all walk different paths. But one begs her friends to understand her and I understand her and a lot more do also, but she wants people around. I don't. I have plenty. Her kids are no where close. All any of us can do is help hold each other up. Sometimes the scar tissue is thin, sometimes it is gone, but I worry about my two grown children mostly. That's enough, this has been a long day. It's okay to be grumpy, anytime you want to.
  2. Y'all get a kick out of this, after four years I had one person tell me to "keep busy." It was "liked" by someone who had told me about three years ago to "keep busy." I wrote a reply, but deleted it. One woman's husband lives with their kids and grandkids and she lives alone most of the year on the old home place. She cannot miss her husband or she would be with him. The other one took care of her husband seven years and is very busy in her church. Some days I like to dig my hole a little deeper.......when I'm not too busy. I'm proud of myself for controlling my red headed roots.
  3. I have to put this picture. My daughter had it. It says enough without words.
  4. I have mentioned this so often, eighteen years after my grandfather passed, my grandma said it seemed like it was yesterday. We are moving during the month of November. and I give no specific date because I will be paying a month's rent in both places. I have had things stored mostly in my dining room and last night at midnight, Brianna went into a mad, insane rampage of cleaning out that storage area. Why? I cannot even move anything into the apartment until November 1st, and I am not going to vacate this apartment until the week before November 30th. The same company owns both apartment complexes. If they are going to double bill me, I am not going to let them make triple the money. The manager was asking if my dining room had carpet, and no it doesn't, but she was already planning offering it. Too bad. I have a lease, never been late, no complaints. The apartments are only less than half a mile from where I live now. Can have a W/D and important to me is two bathrooms. Last night the memory kept worming its way into my brain, "I had him with me four years ago" and this morning on Facebook, I had 12 memories in that section. You know how it hurt me to write memories down and go back and read them. I have not read the memory I wrote on here three days after he left. He was a wonderfully complex, simple, egotistical, loving person, a perfect contradiction, that was Billy. When I first met him he told me his name was William Raymond, which meant mighty protector. His name is Billy Ray and will always be. He helped take care of my dad and he totally took care of his father. It haunted him that he would pick him up to give him a bath and his cancer ridden body would break bones. He could not stand for me to give him a bed bath and he was my baby, it was an honor for me, and he knew it. What can I say? He went from a cane to a walker to a wheel chair in a matter of days and when he held his hands out to me to let me know he had to leave, I slapped them down and turned my back. He pulled me through months of fighting my double cancer and was with me every step of the way. I had his strength when mine was gone. The family was all in my room when the nun came and prayed holding my hand. The cross was on the wall of the Catholic hospital. They all expected me to die, but two weeks later I was up out of the bed. I never knew I was dying. Billy was not going to die either. But, he did. With no fanfare he just held out his hands and was gone. Mama passed less than 10 months later. I had no sad feelings. I was with her and I closed her eyes. That spark in her brain called Alzheimer's had burned out.. She had wanted to go so many months before. We had lost Mama a long time ago. This just released that exceptional brain. When I closed her eyes, I told her to tell Billy that I was so sorry, he had to know I just was not going to let him go. I was going today to visit my friend who is dying in the nursing home. She was a secret night drinker, and after years and years of this, her two sons put her in a nursing home.. A vivacious personality that in grade school climbed out one of the school windows with a group of the boys. No reason, just mischievous kids. That was long ago when the principal was allowed to use a paddle to "correct" the error of our ways. He was a good man, we all looked up to him, and all were afraid in our own way too. He would stand up and had a wonderful superior air of authority about him.. So, my friend took the paddle just like the boys. She was the life of any party, now she is almost forgotten, but I just cannot get out of the apartment today.........not yet. Word salad #???? Angelversary #4. But who is counting? The scar tissue wears thin today.
  5. Thanks Gwen. I even bought a heating recliner and a heating small blanket. Winter extremes are the same. Bless her (and your) heart, she has had it since a toddler and it causes all kinds of things, including heavy periods and making her anemic. We keep thermostat on 72 in summer (when I'm gone it goes below 70), but I can wear a sweater.
  6. Kay, I have not turned it off the A/C setting yet. Brianna is hypothyroid and her body temperature gauge is never running on an even keel. She wears sweat shirts in the summer (in humid Louisiana). If I get cool, I put a sweater on. I have been reading a lot of things that pop up talking about the generic levothyroid is not the same as the name brand Synthroid. I'm gonna ask about that.
  7. Karen, I so remember the magic of the desert. I also remember coming down the White Mountains and way down below I saw smoke. First ever cell phone. Of course I got no reception. I was going to call 911 for a forest fire and about that time came to a sign saying "controlled burn" and know I would have to had told them I was a Louisiana flatlander that only worried about floods. But do know, you probably can see those pine/Aspen covered mountains with a tiny drive. Beautiful country, but yes, we have water, sometimes too much.
  8. Love the pictures. We have some cold winds today. Yesterday the A/C in the car and house were both on. Will probably just use ceiling fans today. Tomorrow is Billy's Angelversary, it will be four years, but who's counting. I will move at the end of the month to an apartment house owned by the apartments I live in now and built about the same time. It is less than half a mile from where I now live. My sister has an upfloor apartment around the corner, mine will be apartment 105, which is at the beginning. I will have the biggest patio (fenced in), which just like this fireplace, I will probably never use, but the two bathrooms and the W/D connections are so necessary. The "no steps" is also necessary. I am wondering about your knees also Kevin. No surgery I hope. You have mountains to climb and thankfully I will not be around lakes because these alligators come into back yards and they take family pets, if the yard is not fenced. I am only about 30 miles from the Arkansas line, I do not live in Cajun country, but my kind of country can only be called redneck, and we have to be careful. My cousin, when looking up her family's DNA found out her husband was her 3rd cousin. I at least picked someone in the most south of our parish (county) and I lived in the most north of our parish. After our children were born though, I sometimes wondered. Enjoy all that beauty. One of my neighbors mentioned she had to get out of Louisiana. I told her I had to stay, all my roots were here and somehow, some crazy reason (I don't really have to have an excuse for the insanity part), it means something to me. She said "Why!!!! they are all daid" as only a Louisiana dialect can say "dead." And they are, but some reason it means something to me while I am alive.
  9. Nope, actually they were more me than Billy. I keep thinking "all I ever get is older and around". Billy would not drink at all. I would when I could but only at parties and only if Billy could make sure he was close to carry me home cause I never could hold my liquor. Three drinks and I was throwing up. Of course, cannot do it at all now. Billy wanted to be "Jeremiah Johnson" and would have been happy living in a tent way up in the mountains and roughing it. I liked it too as long as I had my own private commode. But without him, I want to hear life all around me. Even that 10-year-old stomping on the floors upstairs at least made me know I had people around. Guess animals are safer, but I am a coward without Billy.
  10. But if this world keeps right on turnin' for the better or the worse And all he ever gets is older and around From the rockin' of the cradle to the rollin' of the hearse The goin' up was worth the comin' down I "discovered" Kris Kristofferson one night when I was driving up the Linwood entrance off of I-20, going to my work at LSUMC. I cannot remember where in this apartment I put my two flashlights this past week, but I can remember the moment I heard this man sing in the 1970's. The song was "Loving Her Was Easier" and I went the next day and bought the album, which probably was an 8-track, or maybe it was a cassette tape. I know on our recordings for the doctors dictations we used "belts." Does not matter, I have been through the 45's, 8-tracks, cassettes, You Tube over my Kindle, the CD's and my granddaughter has a vinyl player with lots of needle and vinyls, which we are returning to often now. For some reason these lyrics are stuck in my head, mostly "And all he ever gets is older and around." I think in this song "The Pilgrim" he covered a lot of lives, and mine too.
  11. I so appreciate what I have. I just as much as anyone else, I miss what I had for 54 years. But, I am so happy we had 54 years. Some of those years it seemed like the road had come to an end, but we somehow made a new road around the old one. When the bridge was out, he swam and carried me along to the other side. I found out, after we had fought and won so many medical battles together, this time he could fight no more. Accepting that fact made me angry. Different steps? Over the years you go through those steps often, and no one can carry you on that path except yourself. Faith in God helps those that have it. My faith is always with me, just like my memory of the times we had together. I see and hear Billy in my son, and I see and hear my mom and Billy's mom in my daughter. And "the great man" is missed by us all, sometimes I hear the sadness in their voices. There could only be one of him. We all feel the void he left in our life. He was so slow walking, so slow moving, I knew he would be slow leaving. He wasn't.
  12. Gwen, please feel better. I know you want to so bad. Hate the ER, hate tests. When I could eat apples I discovered one, cannot remember name for sure, but they were huge. They were sweet, enough tartness to be an apple, crisp, and just wonderful to eat. Seems like they were called Pacific Northwest apples. That might have been an overall group of many apples, but in Louisiana and Arkansas we found them ever so often. None were their match. I like a crisp, very sweet, slightly tart......again, very crisp apple. These were the biggest I had ever seen. Cannot eat them anymore. Can have applesauce.
  13. Kay, I'm so happy they made you a day to remember. I love it and know you did too. You deserve it.
  14. We have always been covered by our state group insurance, both retiring from civil service jobs. Keep getting calls, emails, snail mail trying to get me to change insurances. I have no complaint with my group insurance but know if I change, I will never be able to go back. So far it pays almost 100% of what Medicare does not pay. I bought four (3 months worth) of medications Friday for $13, so I will just stick with it. I don't like change. I hope everyone gets coverage. I don't have reason to go to doc much, already have been told the radiation and the colon rupture and sepsis make it impossible to do any surgery in the usual places, so hope I can just keep rolling along. I still am a walking time bomb. They are having various years school reunions and its the people who are not there that are most noticed. Doom and gloom feeling to life. Talked to sister widow last night. She was always such a "tomboy" and could fix things like my mom could. She has some blockage in her lower body that makes her feet and legs swell and a leaking aortic valve. She remarried two years after losing her husband and spent the honeymoon and next nearly 12-13 years with him in hospitals. Now she is alone in a house on the lake that bottom garage will be water soaked when it rains. Strange, but she spends most of her time trying to get rid of the reminders of his being ill for so long. I say "strange" but she is following along behind me on this same path, and though there are some differences, not enough that we cannot hold hands across the divide between our paths. She was just glad to hear that I understood her avoidance, and her trying to stay away from the things that reminded her of so many years of his illness. She thought it funny a guy had already asked her for a date. Her mom married three times after losing my friend's dad. My mom could be very cruel. A man approached her in Walmart to ask where something was. She turned her back on him and walked away, very rudely. I helped him out. When I told my mom she was very mean to a man who might have just lost his wife and had never bought groceries by himself. Her words were "just another man wanting a woman to take care of them." My mom had many admirable qualities, but kindness was not one of them.
  15. I live in a town of about 12,000, probably less. Parish seat. I cannot imagine going to an office in "downtown" Seattle, Washington. My heart is with you Gwen, as always.
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