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Marg M

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  1. Kay, are you that live on the western part of USA, are you far enough away from the wild fires? I know you must be getting some of the smoke and know Gwen does not need that (or any of us).
  2. Probably my only snub. We were all friends through marriage, moved away, came home, told them and the response was almost like "and who are you?" Puzzled. It was two couples. One has lost her husband since. I'm sorry for her.
  3. I think I have all of the typical age related changes. I did forget to pay one of the bills at the beginning of the month. They send the bill out the 15th and it was double what it usually is. It is one of those places you talk to the "bot" and he thinks he can help you with the problem, he finally gives up and lets me talk to the representative. I argued and argued that I had paid and had the confirmation #. I did, but it was for June. First time, and I hope only time, I forget to pay one of those three I pay by computer. I cannot say I have forgotten an appointment though.. In fact, I keep the appointment calendar for whole family.
  4. Marty, thank you so much. I know I had to have mentioned that a new blood pressure med was making me mean. I just wanted to run away, but honestly, where can you go to get away from yourself. I knew I was the problem, but did not know why. Medication was not controlling BP anyhow. I went to doctor in town, my sister and my mom's doc. He changed my medication and I started seeing a difference. Not only was the BP staying down, but the anger went away too and I apologized to everyone. I said some hateful things to my precious granddaughter, which only added to her own problems. I did not even consider dementia though. I read on the BP med I was taking, and others too, can bother mood disorders. I guess as chronic depression, this one just made me different. As soon as I started taking the new one, I could tell the difference. I will read the above that you mentioned. I do get afraid when I read symptoms though. Need to know though. I did have #10. I never thought though about it being a sign of Alzheimer's. My mom had Alzheimer's and I believe Billy was suffering some from the aneurysm at the base of his brain. Aneurysms scare me, yet they called Billy's "old." Perhaps that is why he doubted his "facilities" that we laugh at still, he meant "faculties" but was serious when he asked. I just did not question my "faculties" when I was being "mean." The anger disappeared with the change in medication. But I do have many of the age related problems that I just accept. They worried Billy, I'm not worried......yet.
  5. Hi Ana. I do not get on as often as I did. Not a graduate, just a hang along. Fighting the thyroid cancer with my daughter, she has a bleeding disorder (inherited from me), they are afraid to operate on such a vascular part of her body so she is taking thyroid destroying pills. In all my years of typing medical, I did not pay attention to this. Also, fighting my son having prostate cancer. He goes in on the 21st. I have my 2nd COVID shot on the 22nd. I admit I was afraid of it. I had an inflamed area, went away within a day, and I did have the muscle aches that were no worse than when I have my regular flu shot. Did see a real MD, changed my BP med, and I'm not mean anymore. (Well, no more than usual.) I got a call Saturday from my sister-in-law telling me to have my son come get her in NM and bring her back home. I spent so much time looking up places close to her house that might help, then I talked to my niece. If Billy had been here, he would have drove to NM directly to get his sister. She has been married to my brother-in-law near to 60 years. They own their home near the Rio Grande. It is her husband's and daughter's life long home. I talk to Billy's sister about three or more times a year. The past two years their only daughter had moved in with them. My sis-in-law begrudged her daughter being there. No money involved, only caretaker responsibilities of a care giving daughter. She is a teacher in the public school system, so moving a few miles from her job, my first selfish thought was she was sponging off her parents. How wrong I was. Her dad got angry, drove wrong way on interstate, spent night (for protection) in jail. My niece had locks put on their cars. My sis-in-law has had the police out 3-4 times, but obviously this was for their protection and a "no thanks" job for their daughter. She is handling things from two parents suffering dementia at same time. The father accepts it willingly after spending night in jail. Mom wants to "come back home" where she has not lived in over 60 years and after spending much time getting phone numbers of places, I decided to call our niece. This "young" woman (probably 53), has her hands full. She is not "living off her parents," she is the caretaker of two parents with dementia. No interference from me. It hurts to hear my sister-in-law wanting to "come home," but this is not home anymore. I don't want to let Billy down, but I think common sense tells me to leave it alone. I do not envy my niece. My biggest help to her 900 miles away is to stay out of her way. She did not show any signs of anger at my questions. I did not know but had noticed a small difference when talking to my sis-in-law. We should all have someone that steps in when help is needed (even though it is unwanted). I hope you all are doing as well as you can during this pandemic. I find myself semi-agoraphobic, which probably matches my granddaughter's closely. I do have to get out around people about once a week. I do not consider delivery, I don't trust anyone else picking out my groceries, not sure what I want. I have been worried about the dementia subject. I do not know what to look for. My daughter said that as long as I read as much as I do, and I write some too. I don't want to lie to myself, but I wonder if dementia patients have these reasonings also. I will be 79 next month, hardly a spring chicken, maybe a tough old hen.
  6. I was married a very long time. Lived 2-3 lifetimes during those years. Nothing was perfect, but most times we faced it together. I know this seems simple to hard core drugs, but it was not simple. He was told the nicotine was narrowing his arteries in his late 30's, in his early 40's he had probably the first kidney stent operation that had been performed at our teaching hospital. This was where I worked and retired from my first retirement. They put stents in two kidney arteries after he was stroking out after mowing the yard. In ICU a few days and discharged with malignant hypertension. I shut myself up in the bathroom. I was just a transcriptionist, we did not have computers, but I had access to the whole medical library. I hated that diagnosis. I shut myself up in that bathroom and cried and cried. Billy asked the doc why I did that. Doc told him "because she loves you." I asked him to check his renal lab work. They found he had three kidney arteries, two were occluded and he was only alive because he had an accessory artery. Those stents gave him another at least 40 years. He had to quit smoking, but he took up smokeless tobacco. I never fussed but my first article I typed from a doctor to be published in a medical journal was on smokeless tobacco and cancer. No one in Billy's family had ever had liver or colon cancer and despite two checkups a year, despite all lab work that had to have been skipped over, he slipped away from cancer within 5-6 weeks. He had about a week of hurting. That was too much. So, whatever the drug is, we all hurt ourselves taking legal "drugs" too. Runners, trying to stay healthy die of heart attacks. We cannot make it right. We cannot go back and change things. Our hematologist told us those words we knew so well. "should of, would of, could of" and it was what it was. My grandson, if he is still alive, is lost in the drug jungles of California. He was in rehab. He came out and in his 30's, I still remembered the little boy. He was a sweetheart. I have to put him out of my mind, I have to. He told us he felt good, he was the most sane I had heard him speak in years. And his words to us all were, I'm sorry, but I will not give the drugs up. And, that was the last we heard. He stayed with us during his junior year in high school and in six months had won a medal for his art. A loss to himself, his relatives, friends, daughter and humanity. I'm so sorry about your loss. No words can express how it hurts my heart, and we are legion.
  7. When you are adopted, I think you always have questions. My granddaughter knows the answers of where and why and right now at near 22 this month, she does not voice questions. She knows she is Amerasian. She knows if she wants to talk to these people she can. I've mentioned it and the reaction is negative. Sometimes in a family fuss, I feel her not thinking she is part or loved as much. Blood is blood and I have passed down some medical problems to my daughter I didn't know I had. She really has problems with them though, serious ones. I told my granddaughter that her "Dade" was no kin to me. I never even knew he existed, yet I loved him more than anyone on this Earth. So, blood can cause problems, it is nice to have a lot of kinfolks, but love is love, and it does not come from just having the same blood. I'm afraid with my mood change, I widened a gulf, I hope I can close it. She is loved so very much.
  8. I don't see where I put this, but if I did, just ignore it. I went to our first apartment. No honeymoon, just two other couples with us playing Rook and Dominoes all night. We were all comfortable around each other. The apartment is still there, they use it for storage now. Two men that were working welding/or something mechanical beside it said it had seen better days. To me it looked wonderful. After 60 years it was in a lot better shape than I was. My disposition is lots better. I do not like being mean. Sometimes feels like a person that would kick an animal and I sure would not do that. I just didn't really realize a blood pressure med would make that much difference. I don't want the propranolol. I like the Diovan just fine, that and the Clonidine and I actually really liked and kind of trusted the doc. He was my mom's doc. Also have a follow-up. Gonna get some sleep tonight. Brianna went out with her mom and some of her mom's friends and actually initiated talk with a boy. Baby steps. Proud of her.
  9. I actually cannot get too far from the house except on fast trips. It is really bad when you think about it. I could not leave to "get away" because the person I wanted to leave was me. You cannot get away from yourself no matter how many miles, how many different locales, you are still there. I know they give propranolol for my tremor. Doc gave me Diovan. I was taking amlodipine for a week, noticed personality change. It is a CCB (calcium channel blocker. I was not complaining about the mood change, knew I was different, was told it was my fault, of course didn't want to accept that. It really was. I thought I was channeling my mom. He put me on Diovan, an ARB (angiotensin receptor blocker) and I came out of it. I knew propranolol sometimes causes depression. I am a chronic depression person. This regimen works.. Blood pressure down, moods evened out. I apologized for the things I had said. And, it was me, it was not them. I don't want the propranolol, but he thinks it will help the tremors. I can put up with them. They make me drop things, I don't like using a shovel to eat with to keep things from falling off the big spoon, but I don't want any more chronic depression. I'm not suffering, well, I am some, but I can put up with it. Legally, I am a widow, will be six years in October. Mentally, I am still married, my ring stays on my married finger. This man has lived 60 years in my heart. Today is our 60th anniversary, whether he is here or not. Also, don't take my word about the blood pressure meds. You take what works for you. My diagnosis is chronic depression, besides hypertension, so it just picked on my depression. It might make other people feel wonderful. I feel like that about clonidine at night. I feel it helps me sleep and if you look, they use it for other things too.
  10. We are reading of all this down here in the furnace called "Louisiana" but after all these years we are used to it. Not many temperatures as high as some of y'all are getting though. I'm so sorry. I guess we would still be living in those high ceiling homes, windows and screens on all of them. The attic fan pulled in hot air, but we were used to it. Humidity heavy so we "glimmered" a lot. The sweat made the hot air cool the sweat. I'm so sorry so many people have lost their life to this. Climate change comes in all shapes and sizes I guess. And, you will probably have a record cold winter. Just as puzzling as this pandemic. People with a Christian background sort of wonder if this is "it." I don't know what "it" is, but I sure hope you all get some relief. Gwen, if you can prop your feet up on pillows and sit down longer than usual. I finally went to the doc, a real one, yesterday. Changed my blood pressure med. The kind I was on was reacting with the other two and I'm afraid I had a personality change. I don't know why, but I was mean to everyone and couldn't quit being. I am going to leave the house and just be by myself. I hate a mean person and it was like I was channeling my mom. Need to say I'm sorry to lots of family. Apologized as best as I could. Am truly ashamed of me. I think Marty's dad said "glistened" and I put glimmered. I like all that, but I just plain sweat.
  11. In apartments, we really do not get to know neighbors. I miss my friend in Arkansas where we actually visited each other. That was before COVID though. She is 80 or 81 now, I tried to call her but machine answered. Remembered, she would not answer phone. If I had used my cell phone, she would maybe have recognized the number. Have been away from there nearly six years though. I have no clue why you all are getting such hot weather. We are used to it. My sister has to stay inside with A/C turned down to 62.
  12. Tried to put a repeat of what Gwen said. My hands shake too bad to keep the shadowing on the sentence, so I will type. I just heard the heat that Seattle is suffering. We just got a short, heavy shower. Humid, hot Louisiana is used to heat waves but, I believe you all are suffering a severe climate change. I am so sorry. My sister was going to try to go to her AA meeting at 5:00, I don't figure she got out in it. She has enough trouble breathing with her A/C turned down to 62 and drying out the air. I have to keep ours on 72. Humidity does not bother me, but I'm afraid it is debilitating to her. Do not think she can continue working so we will look for government housing. She is going to have a problem with the smoking outside conditioning. My daughter and son live in a very slim group of townhouses and the vents were not made large enough to carry the cool air up to where their bedrooms are. They use fans but there are 17 steps to top floor. Bottom floor at 70 keeps freezing up and right now they are without A/C. They are buying a single wide trailer and will move out of the sauna they live in. I know the people that live in areas they are not used to the heat and humidity, it makes it hard to tolerate this heat. I'm sorry. With the shots, hope the pandemic is lessening, but I still wear my mask. I had my first one and have to admit that with my tenuous health, I was very afraid, not of the shot, but how my screwed up insides would take it. I was pestered by family until I had the Moderna. Will have another in July. Only had a small inflamed area but did suffer low grade temp (taken care of with Tylenol) and tiredness and muscle aches for 24 hours. I do that with my regular flu shot, would think it was in my head if it was not so uncomfortable. I am so sorry you all have that heat wave. Kelli sent video of Nawlins (her Poodle) that is I think over 11 years old, and she just pants under the fan. Kelli cut her hair so close she looks almost shaved, but had to because she was so hot. My thoughts are with you all, and I am sorry. We did not have A/C until 1967, and did not know what it was to do without it. We had window fans, attic fans, swiveling large fans, windows with screens, open all the time. I can remember going to visit relatives in big old houses, high roof, large rooms, big porch on front and back with big oak trees all around the houses and thinking how nice it was. In the mornings we would wake up with damp sheets, a lot cooler from the morning dew being pulled through the screens. We did not know about A/C. Again, my heart goes out to you and hope you have cooler weather soon. Gwen, I have a bath stool in my shower that sits up high enough that I am not uncomfortable. Actually scared of my balance unless I lean against side of shower.
  13. I gave up on writing a complete autobiography. Sometimes you just have to handle things and hope it turns out okay. I gave up my God credentials when Billy left. I cannot save everyone. I can protect myself as best as I can from the fall-out, but I cannot separate myself from the problems. I care. I hurt for them. I hurt with them. To quote Fats Waller: Chillun', listen here to me This is my philosophy To see me through the day To scare my cares away All God's Chillun Got Rhythm All God's Chillun got swing Maybe haven't got money Maybe haven't got shoes All God's Chillun Got Rhythm For to push away the blues Yeah ! All God's Chillun got trouble Trouble don't mean a thing When they start to go ho ho ho de ho Troubles bound to go 'way, say! Hey, I don't have to make sense, I just live here.
  14. As I've said many times, Mama was a farmgirl. She was very smart in handling farm animals, had a gaggle of geese that followed her around like she was their mother. She would pull her boots off and they would stay with the boots. She never let me keep my pets inside, never to a vet. She taught me that animals when they want to die will usually go off by themselves to die alone. I don't know about that, I had at least two die at my window. I could only make them as comfortable as I could, as a child. My kids kept their pets inside. We used veterinarians also. Times change. People actually do too.
  15. When my dad was dying they could give him only enough morphine not to kill him. He would have moments between breath that we thought he was gone, actually prayed he was gone. He was unconscious and secretions built up so they had to snog him. His eyes had been closed for days, they put the snog machine on him and a look of horror opened his eyes. Then slap the morphine on again. No water, no ice chips, nothing, waiting for him to die. He'd dig his heels into the special mattress and had bed sores on his feet. They doctored them. It is like I said, our animals get the better care to die. He had the continued Cheyne-Stokes breathing until it finally quit. My own mama wondered why they did not give dying people heroin. It at least causes euphoria and there have been cases where the patient improved. I know when Billy smoked the marijuana those last couple of weeks, he could not walk. I came out the kitchen door into the garage, they were on the outside. He looked like a bowlegged cowboy but that boy ran to get me with Scott and Kelli on both sides of him to catch him. If you have to die, and we all have to, why not something to cause euphoria instead of pain. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought of that.
  16. No, it is all but completely faded now. Toes intact. I just really "get my feelings hurt" that as good of insurance as I have, and really what holds me back is they think I am drug seeking, and also, and I hate to say it, but I believe it is age related. I will let them know my medicine will be given by my home clinic, which is too far from "home" and they will never be asked for Xanax. I'm doing okay on my medicines prescribed by my "home" physicians. I just need someone to read my case history. I cannot be fixed, so they do not need to try anything new. But, if I have bronchitis (which I have had once in the last 5-1/2 years, I will need IM antibiotics. Otherwise, with the aggravation they cause my colon, cannot take. If they do not understand, I don't want one. I'd like them to know me in case I have a stroke (gosh hope not), but need to know what I cannot take and what I can. Not like the gung-ho new doctor that was going to cure my grief with the newest antidepressant that nearly killed me, could have killed me, with me telling her I understood it was grief depression. I guess they want to practice their new medical tricks and I'm too old to give something new. Gotta make them understand. My clinic in Arkansas understands my needs. I just need one closer.
  17. I screw things up sometimes. Deleted response. Did not mean to. Will write later. Your right Gwen, we know sometimes better than the doc. There was a word they used in dictating, cannot remember it, but it meant "at the doctor's skilled request" and he was doing it because he had had success using that med, but it did not always work. I saw Kelli in the hospital. She told them she could not take "mycins" and they overrode her knowledge, said it was the newest "mycin" and she would not be hurt by it. I sat by her bed and saw her breaking out in red welts all over her body in a matter of minutes. They were fast to give her the medicine to stop the other.
  18. Not necrotic. I didn't know what they were. Could have gone to urgent care (less than a mile away), last night they had faded to almost natural color. I thought about the dropping something. No soreness except where I tried to rub the color off. You live miles from a doctor. I live within less than a mile from a few. After the "interview" suggestion, I was ready to tell them all where to put the interview. I have to tell them I take the Xanax, but I do not want medicine from them. I'm sure they would not like my primary doctors to still be used, but I will keep using them. If they have suggestions for different blood pressure meds, I will take them. After the local MD had to "interview" me, I just sort of gave up on local docs. I can still call mine in Arkansas, but they are not here. I can call and talk to them any time, but they still are not close, and they know my history. I've written it down for local doc's, but I don't know how they would enter it in the computer and the first local doc I went to didn't listen to me. I did not have to take the medicine prescribed. A new antidepressant. Even I know you have to be cautious about antidepressants with the elderly. I still have to find one, and use my own will as to what they tell me. One thing I know, I cannot be fixed. But they can monitor blood pressure. Sometimes you cannot make a doctor understand you know your body better than he does.
  19. Well folks, I have company, and they are all amusing themselves. I am trying to kind of listen, Trying to not listen. I did accidentally get back in the year 2020, don't know why, but I was terribly confused and sorry for the things that were happening. Could not figure out when Gwen went to rehab. (I then checked my dates.) Also, company has gone. I'm doing okay. Kay, I hope your situation will figure itself out. I know when it is my time, if my sister goes first, I'm just going to have to have help. If one of my kids go first, I probably won't be far behind them. I've got to where if I have a different skin grabbing pain, I will say, "well, lets wait and see." All I can do. If I see blood from anywhere, there is nothing they can do. (Have not seen blood in 7 years). I still don't have a doctor here. I need to have one. Don't laugh: I had discolorations above my toes. Looked like I had drawn about three inches long, two inches wide using a Sharpie. I washed, rubbed, scrubbed and it would not go off. Looked like I had dirty toes. Did not hurt, except I had rubbed so much. It has been on now about five days. I showed Bri, she is so against me getting dirty. She is really OCD about cleanliness.. Mama used to call me "Moonbeam McSwine" so you know, I get by on PTA baths most times. I shower, no tub baths since 1982. I know this is not "normal" but it is "my normal." Brianna smartly mentioned COVID toes. Yes, they are real. (I looked it up naturally.) I have had no fever, no cough, no chest congestion, headaches, any flu symptoms. And now that I probably need to go to a doctor, they are fading and I have decided, they are the two toes next to the big toe. If they fall off, I'm okay. I probably told you I called a doctor, they asked my age, insurance, meds I take. I believe telling them Xanax made them think I was drug seeking, so they said he would "interview" me as a patient in July, his next open date. I said "elf them anyhow" and will go to urgent med if I have to. I don't think they want to be bothered with old people. Either that or the Xanax. My blood pressure had been going high so I called the clinic I have used for about 25 years, and really cannot drive 175 miles for an emergency. She assigned me another blood pressure med I had been on a few years ago. My insurance is very excellent, being almost 79 and taking Xanax are not good patients to get acquainted with.. Word salad. I'll leave it. Toes don't hurt. They are still hanging on the same as the other foot. At the time I thought it was my black sneakers and black socks and walking in water. At this point, I'm my own doctor. (Probably like the lawyer, equaling a fool for a patient.)
  20. I'm sorry Kieron, I get carried away sometimes. "It is what it is." Those were the last words my beautiful aunt said to me. She got our family's inherited tremor late in her life. I've had from the 6th grade to get used to it. No one treats me with any hatefulness because of it. Never have. I had it mildly as a teenager and at our dances at the teen club, a slow dance was interpreted as the male feeling he made me "excited" and he liked that. I didn't and quit going to them. It was only a slight tremor. It advances and my dad, and my aunts and a distant young cousin have it. We really should be studied by some neurological institute, but myself and the young boy are the only ones left. My grandfather and his brother died of Parkinson's and I worked in the neurology department, but was told there was no correlation in mine and Parkinson's. I retired from that hospital in 1997, and in 1997, they did discover there was some of the parkinsonism genes inherited. My aunt was late in getting it. She had lost a husband, a daughter, and her lifelong neighbor, her sister by then. She had a son left, they were not that close, she hated his wife. My aunt was certainly old enough to die an elderly woman, but she had been a beauty even in this later life. She decided to give up. I went to see her one last time before COVID and she told me how much she loved me, we had grown up together even though she was five years older. She actually willed herself to die. It is possible, I saw her do it. No stopping her. I wouldn't have tried. She wanted to give up. I'm sorry I got carried away last night. I felt the cancer had taken some of my existence, but remember, that was in 1982. I've lived many years since then. I knew so much radiation could come back as other cancer. It didn't. Thirty-two years later my insides simply exploded. My colon burst through my female organs and I had sepsis all over and was expected to die. They didn't tell me though. Instead, my best friend, he left the next year. Sorry for all the gore. What doesn't kill you cures you. I got that close enough.
  21. Sorry, I will take my word salad down. Love you all. My heart is with you. Really, advice is something I think I should not give. My life is played out in so many scenes that talking about them is kind of out of line. Like going to the grief sessions at the church. I cried all the way home from each meeting, not for the women who lost their husbands, but for the focus of each meeting was the death of their children. I loved Billy, grief does not compete. You have it, you live with it, you cope, but I could not handle the grief of these mothers. I love you all. I am having some of the same troubles. 5 years and 8 months, but who is counting?
  22. Some days I sit around and think about all the mean things Billy said to me. But, when I do this, I have to include some things that I said to him that had to cut him to the core.. I blamed him for me having cancer. This was an ugly thing to do when he was with me every minute of the way, took annual leave time off work just to stay with me in Houston, just to be with me, and I cut him in the worse way. The thing was, it was like he said one time, "I love you, but right now I don't like you." When I was my lowest, he was there to lift me up. I guess after any number of years, there may be times you doubt their love, but somehow or other, neither could ever leave. When we forgave each other our terrible things, it was never mentioned again. Sometimes when I think about what he said to me, I just wonder why he stayed. Then, on the other hand, when I sliced him with the verbal knife, why did either of us stay? I miss my best friend. He kept me alive. I tried to do the same for him. When he reached for me, I slapped his hands and said "NO!!!!" and he did not listen to me. Even when I turned my back on him, he left anyhow. (I usually can fight that off and try to get that picture out of my head.) Maybe there really is a "happily ever after." Somewhere. We are all just human. I have chronic depression. Billy had OCD. Mama and Daddy knew each other two weeks. I saw a lot of fusses, mostly money. Both were hard workers with no alcohol or dope messing with the marriage. Lots of religion. I was lucky, neither should have been parents, but they gave it their best and I never missed a meal. Daddy lasted out 44 years and my son said he had a smile on his face. (Mama had said he did). Scott was convinced he did too.
  23. Oh Gin, I so very much understand, maybe more even than when they were 4-5-6, at least we could hold their hand. I'm so sorry. I've got to say, if his dad was here, he would listen and still mind him. Billy and I neither were perfect people/humans, but he admired his dad so much. He loves me, I know. I'm supposed to be more saintly, maybe because I'm getting closer to "The Heavenly Gates". I said an ugly word "eff" the other day and he flinched. I don't like being saintly. Not in my DNA.
  24. Please try to get word to him. VA saved my son and brother-in-law's life. My son works for the VA now also. Our hands are tied when it comes to controlling things after they hit middle age, for sure. Scott still won't go until his appointment time in July. And he works there. Scares me cause my dad would not go either. These men, when it pertains to their "private parts" whether it is life or death, some have too much ego to save their life. Billy emptied my bed pans, cleaned my bag that held the drainage from my colon rupture, but giving him a bed bath, instead of seeing how much I loved him and didn't mind, he minded so much he just checked out. I have Scott within 30 miles of where I am, he won't listen to me, it is too much a "private" matter, also an assault on their manhood. He is just like his dad. I can only hope and pray. Gin, I hope you hear good news. My thoughts are with you, I understand.
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