It is now almost two weeks since I held her for the last time. My little heart... I called her that, my precious Leia. She was a beautiful cat lady, my first. I dreamed all my life, from a little girl, of getting my own kitty. in 2011 it was finally time. She came from an abusive home, had been left outside in the late fall cold, as the previous owners moved house. In November she had jumped into a car, luckily the man that found her took her in and called a volunteer shelter. The next morning she had given birth to a single kitten. The family that took her in kept the kitten, and January 28, 2011 I got to take my lady home. She was so easily scared, everything made her jump, but still, she loved so much. She would follow me around, talking, purring (she had the weirdest loudest purr I've ever heard!) and as soon as one sat down she would climb onto my lap. She even loved all friends and guests that came to the house. Hated other cats, and most of all dogs, but humans... despite all the horrors that must have happened to her... she loved us unconditionally. Years passed, I met my now husband and moved to a house out in the countryside, he had five cats, and I came with my Leia and my other fluffy love, Pip. Imagine my surprise when Leia suddenly didn't mind all those other cats! Well, she beat them, casually, to show who was old lady boss, but then she would go to sleep with another cat back to back. I was so happy. But it only lasted a year and a half. Everything was perfectly fine until her last two weeks... She seemed to have a bit of a sneeze, but she sometimes had, and she had been checked out previously, and had just some hereditary trouble with her nose and eyes, nothing to worry about according to the vets. I was worried, and was going to take her to the vet... but then the weekend came, and she wanted to go outside... and she disappeared. I spent 24 hours walking and calling for her... we had just given up as the sun was going down on Sunday afternoon, when she came running across the front yard! I was the happiest I've been in my entire life! After this she looked and seemed better for a few days, but then it took a turn for the worse. She started drooling. The Saturday came and she slept almost all day, then woke up, didn't want to eat more than a few bites. On Sunday she woke up mid day, and started bleeding from her mouth... I panicked. The bleeding stopped, and she wanted to go outside. I walked with her, she seemed happy, even mischievous trying a bit of a hunt. She went back in, and gave her some extra tasty cat food, which she gulped down... but started to bleed again. I didn't want to believe she was so sick... my little baby. The vets out here are closed on weekends, and I didn't want to stress her with a two hour drive to the nearest city vet, so we opted for next morning at our local vet. I sat with her in my lap all evening and all morning. She seemed so happy, purring away, still wanting to eat and all. But I knew. I didn't want to but I knew. We called the vet at 8 am Monday morning, they took her in for examining, and I went home to a worried wait. At 2 pm they called and said she had an aggressive cancer tumor that had eaten away the bone in her face. The upper jawbone and cheekbone on one side was gone! They did not even want to wake her up for us to say goodbye, said she was in too much pain. I could not believe it. My little love, my fur baby. An hour later, we could come back, and collect... and empty cage, and a cardboard box with my little heart inside. I BROKE. We buried her with the other cats and kittens that my husband and his parents have lost over the years in the woods behind our house. I wrapped her in one of my favorite sweaters, so she can have her mums love around her for all eternity now. I cried for a week, still crying while typing this. I still see her around the house, coming around a corner or sleeping on the couch. Mostly I get it wrong, it's one of our other cats... but sometimes, just sometimes, I think it's her, telling me she's still by my side. I am sorry for writing an entire essay... I just... love so much... anything less felt inappropriate. She deserves her story told. I am currently on sick leave from work, burned out. This was the last nail in the coffin. Can't function, all is pain. Keep showering the six cats I have left with love, but feeling guilty over every little second I did not give my little heart. But maybe she knew she had this ticking bomb inside of her, maybe that is why she loved so much. Or maybe her time was up. No one knows how old she was, according to the vets, she could have been anything between 8 -18, or so. Wherever she is, I hope I will get there some day.