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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Leias mum

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  • Posts

    4
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Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    CA
  • Date of Death
    20151019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Sweden
  1. You are very right, one would definitely do anything just to make them not suffer... Still, it is such a hard decision to make, to put ones best friend down. I feel so guilty, despite knowing there was nothing else I could have done.
  2. Chivon, I am so terribly sorry for your loss! This must have been a nightmare. I really hope you do get help as in a professional to talk to, this is most likely not something one gets past without help. It will be a journey back to feeling ok but I hope you can remind yourself through all this that this was a horrible accident. Do not blame yourself. You would never have intentionally hurt your little cat! This is the worst part of having animals and/or children. Accidents do happen, and there is a tiny little risk in life, that we, in a moment of distraction, do something that in the end result in these accidents. Remember, you did not do this on purpose. If there is any comfort, most likely Bailey knocked his head and became unconscious in the first few seconds, and because of that did probably not even notice what was going to happen, and did not suffer long at all. I hope you take care of yourself, and get the help you deserve, so that someday soon, you will think about the memories where your fur baby is playing and being happy again. I am sure you will see him again someday, and he will not blame you for this.
  3. Thank you so much for your reply, your kind and thoughtful words KayC. So sad to hear you too lost your fur baby in this horrible manner. I find that no matter how I twist and turn this, I don't think I would feel any less hurt, or guilty, if things would have ended in another manner. The vets say that even if I would have taken her to them right as she started to show any kind of symptoms, there would have been no difference. She would have had to be put down soon enough anyway. And had I come in a month earlier, when she seemed perfectly healthy, they would not have caught it. Apparently this was a very aggressive fast growing tumor... The ones that appear in cats faces/mouths often are, from what the vets, as well as my internet searches, could tell me. I can't help but feel that there must be some sort of purpose for them to hang on, stay with us for the time they do. When Leia disappeared that weekend before her last, I had to go through the pain and fear of perhaps never seeing her again. So her last week on this earth, she was showered in love, as much as I could give her (while still going to work in the daytime). Perhaps, this was so I could love her a little bit more before she left. Perhaps, with your King George, you were meant to have those last weeks, even if he was in pain. My Leia did not even show her pain until those last days. Perhaps, she did not mind it as much when she had a warm lap to sit on, and hugs, pats, and love. Perhaps, like us humans, they rather live with the pain for a while, so they can stay with their loved ones just for a little bit longer, before it's time to go. One thing that always wrecks havoc with my mind, is that when a human is suffering, we allow them to struggle to the very end, because we trust in them and their bodies to know when it's time to go... but with animals, we lay those decisions on ourselves. Not only does this leave us wondering forever if we made the right choice, in the right time, but also we have to carry the guilt of being the one to decide when a loved one - albeit "just" an animal - dies. It's one of those things that, when you think of it, how can any choice be the right choice. We can only hope that they will forgive us, whether we were too hasty, or too slow to let them go. We did everything out of unlimited love. Not that any of this makes me less sad... at all... but it feels good to put words to all these feelings that swarm in my head like 10.000 angry bees.
  4. It is now almost two weeks since I held her for the last time. My little heart... I called her that, my precious Leia. She was a beautiful cat lady, my first. I dreamed all my life, from a little girl, of getting my own kitty. in 2011 it was finally time. She came from an abusive home, had been left outside in the late fall cold, as the previous owners moved house. In November she had jumped into a car, luckily the man that found her took her in and called a volunteer shelter. The next morning she had given birth to a single kitten. The family that took her in kept the kitten, and January 28, 2011 I got to take my lady home. She was so easily scared, everything made her jump, but still, she loved so much. She would follow me around, talking, purring (she had the weirdest loudest purr I've ever heard!) and as soon as one sat down she would climb onto my lap. She even loved all friends and guests that came to the house. Hated other cats, and most of all dogs, but humans... despite all the horrors that must have happened to her... she loved us unconditionally. Years passed, I met my now husband and moved to a house out in the countryside, he had five cats, and I came with my Leia and my other fluffy love, Pip. Imagine my surprise when Leia suddenly didn't mind all those other cats! Well, she beat them, casually, to show who was old lady boss, but then she would go to sleep with another cat back to back. I was so happy. But it only lasted a year and a half. Everything was perfectly fine until her last two weeks... She seemed to have a bit of a sneeze, but she sometimes had, and she had been checked out previously, and had just some hereditary trouble with her nose and eyes, nothing to worry about according to the vets. I was worried, and was going to take her to the vet... but then the weekend came, and she wanted to go outside... and she disappeared. I spent 24 hours walking and calling for her... we had just given up as the sun was going down on Sunday afternoon, when she came running across the front yard! I was the happiest I've been in my entire life! After this she looked and seemed better for a few days, but then it took a turn for the worse. She started drooling. The Saturday came and she slept almost all day, then woke up, didn't want to eat more than a few bites. On Sunday she woke up mid day, and started bleeding from her mouth... I panicked. The bleeding stopped, and she wanted to go outside. I walked with her, she seemed happy, even mischievous trying a bit of a hunt. She went back in, and gave her some extra tasty cat food, which she gulped down... but started to bleed again. I didn't want to believe she was so sick... my little baby. The vets out here are closed on weekends, and I didn't want to stress her with a two hour drive to the nearest city vet, so we opted for next morning at our local vet. I sat with her in my lap all evening and all morning. She seemed so happy, purring away, still wanting to eat and all. But I knew. I didn't want to but I knew. We called the vet at 8 am Monday morning, they took her in for examining, and I went home to a worried wait. At 2 pm they called and said she had an aggressive cancer tumor that had eaten away the bone in her face. The upper jawbone and cheekbone on one side was gone! They did not even want to wake her up for us to say goodbye, said she was in too much pain. I could not believe it. My little love, my fur baby. An hour later, we could come back, and collect... and empty cage, and a cardboard box with my little heart inside. I BROKE. We buried her with the other cats and kittens that my husband and his parents have lost over the years in the woods behind our house. I wrapped her in one of my favorite sweaters, so she can have her mums love around her for all eternity now. I cried for a week, still crying while typing this. I still see her around the house, coming around a corner or sleeping on the couch. Mostly I get it wrong, it's one of our other cats... but sometimes, just sometimes, I think it's her, telling me she's still by my side. I am sorry for writing an entire essay... I just... love so much... anything less felt inappropriate. She deserves her story told. I am currently on sick leave from work, burned out. This was the last nail in the coffin. Can't function, all is pain. Keep showering the six cats I have left with love, but feeling guilty over every little second I did not give my little heart. But maybe she knew she had this ticking bomb inside of her, maybe that is why she loved so much. Or maybe her time was up. No one knows how old she was, according to the vets, she could have been anything between 8 -18, or so. Wherever she is, I hope I will get there some day.
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