hollowheart

Coming back here feels so foreign, but at the same time I see a lot familiar names so I know I'm in the right place. Just did a quick read through and my heart tugged at knowing we are all still trying to cope and triggers are still there, still there for me too. Everyday. All day. My life has got even worse, if that could be possible. I think my mom has Alzheimers. She went into the hospital for uncontrolled diabetes and I think that set it off. She had other health issues that kept her there for 3 weeks. She couldn't walk after and now she is in a SNF (Skilled nursing facility) and not doing good. I have seriously thought of hospice. I just feel so lost and overwhelmed, trying to do all this on my own. I need my sister here to share the stress and care giving. This is so hard. I have some aunts and my dad, but really, it's all on me as The Daughter. I really need my sister to lean on and don't have her. I feel so lost and stupid sometimes tying to talk to doctors and hospital staff and not really knowing if I'm asking the right questions or handling things correctly. I'm very passive and needed my sister to give me strength to speak up, complain, etc. I'm not equipped to make these decisions alone. I'm frantic in trying to figure out exactly what is wrong. The hospital and this SNF are crap and were ZERO help. They do nothing but tell me she's not eating, no offers of calling her treating doctor (who I can't stand and does nothing) or offering help. She has stopped eating so I know where that will lead. I am in shock that I lost my sister and now this? Oh, and I was laid off from my job 3 weeks before she went into the hospital. On that front, it came in handy because I had 24/7 to deal with her. This has totally consumed my life. I also just bought a car, so now a car and no job. Whew! This life!!! I want to just jump off a bridge. I'm just done.

If your name wasn't on that post I would think I wrote it. Feel exactly the same WORD FOR WORD.

I don't mean to invade the forum with this kind of news, but I was a mega Prince fan and am heartbroken about this news. I am a fan of the 80's and 80's music is still my favorite. First Michael Jackson, not Prince. I felt like those two and Madonna were the last mega stars of that era of music. (I know they are others) but those three all basically blew up at the same time and lasted for decades, something that is hard to do. Losing him also makes me sad--again--for my sister because we were both HUGE Prince fans and I would have been right on my phone texting her about it. Having no one close to me that would really care is another form of loss. It's just devastation all over again. R.I.P. Prince.

Yeah, I never went this long without seeing or hanging out with my sister. She was my #1,2,3 for socializing, so sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. So much time apart feels odd and frustrating.

The connectedness is definitely what I miss. I used to see some of these people in person, but a lot live in different states. Facebook was fun for me, and I loved posting silly stuff, cool pics, updates about what I was doing or what I did that weekend, just like everyone else. I don't go on anymore, but the couple times I did peek it felt like all that hurt and pain was hitting me all over again. It was like seeing my old life roll by laughing at me, saying this is what you used to have. It makes me feel forgotten.

I'm not doing any of that. I don't even have any friends. I don't really have any motivation for any of the stuff you're "supposed" to do. I hear my therapist telling me I gotta get out there, but I'm not listening. It sorta makes me feel desperate. Like "Gotta make some friends!" I also hate better coming weather. "BBQ" weather always made me feel good in the past. Also, I live in a big city so there is a million things to do when the weather was great, but knowing I have no one to plan any of it with makes it all so sad. I feel alone, forgotten and sad in a world where everyone has something to look forward too. I know I am depressed. I stay in bed as much as possible and that's one of the main signs, "Living" in the bed. I was taking my antidepressants but didn't feel any difference. I know I probably wasn't taking them long enough. Another reason I stopped was I didn't want to be bothered with the doctor trips when my refills ran out. That I'm going to the doctor for anti-depressants because of grief makes me even more depressed. Sometimes I just sigh and feel like wailing thinking about my reality. I still cannot believe it. Seeing my car also brings on a wave of depression knowing how much that meant to us both and the unfairness of all that. I have never been depressed in my life. Even when I got fired I wasn't depressed, just worried for a while. I don't see this lifting.

My mom always wants me to into my sister place to do something or get something for her because she has a bad back and doesn't want to walk or carry much. I try to help, but overall, I just can't go in there. I hate seeing all her things all untouched and where she left them. It's just a reminder that she has not been back and never will again. Her place was a place of life and fun, she liked to decorate and liked fun bright stuff. I hate this. Ambulance sounds can still sometimes get to me and any time I see or hear anything about CPR. Seeing anything about siblings on TV or in real life gets to me because I don't feel like a sibling anymore, actually I'm not and I was for 40 years. When I see anything about the bond of twins or siblings I think, well, not part of that world anymore. So sad and upsetting.

hooked on reality shows? *meekly raises hand* But in my defense, The majority of them aren't some of the really bad ones, like Here comes Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty. I do watch the Housewives, I used to watch all of them, but I only watch two now. I used to watch those child beauty pageant ones too, but they don't come on anymore. I watch Rupaul's Drag Race, Project Runway, Hell's Kitchen. A few days ago I actually noticed how much reality TV I watch, more than I thought. I watch Dance Moms and I like shows like Tiny House Hunting and the House flipping shows. But those aren't really reality TV. It's pretty hard to not get blindsided unless you stop watching TV altogether and watch the same 10 movies over and over. I was actually playing a video game and this man had found his kidnapped son who almost drowned and he was doing CPR on him, of course I thought back to when I was doing (useless) CPR on my sister. Wouldn't have given a second thought before. Gwen, I know what you mean about wanting to hold onto the TV shows. I feel the same about not being able to finish some season finales. We watched a lot of the same shows, and she got me hooked on some new ones so it's not fun to watch alone. Some of the new seasons are starting (Mindy Project, Game of Thrones) and she is not here, those were ones we liked to watch and she got me hooked on Game of Thrones, now she's not here for us to freak out over John Snow. I'm about 10 episodes behind on Supernatural. The joy is gone. I also notice it's hard to stay focused for hour long shows now. Sometimes I just don't have the mental stamina.

Sheesh, what kind of people are you guys running into. A broken elbow and no help? I like the offer, even if I can do it myself. I remember being in this restaurant and this waiter helping me put my coat on and I was like "whaaa?" It felt strange, almost like too much help, lol. But it was nice that he was such a gentleman. Like when I get on the bus, or going in a door I will actually let men go first, I don't care, especially if they are already in front of me. But I eye roll if they don't offer women to go ahead when they clearly see a bunch of them waiting to get on or go in somewhere. I just want the offer.

WK, if you feel up to it, you can start a new Facebook profile and just friend your kids and other family, then you know you will only see those few peoples posts. As much as I loved Facebook, it's very intrusive. I continually get messages if I "know" this person. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Even if I was happy go lucky right now that would still annoy me. I don't need that and I wouldn't want Facebook alerting other people to me being on there. Thanks FB, but I don't need to be friends with everyone I have ever met in my entire life.

So sick of everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I'm sorry you got sideswiped with pain. Facebook is especially good for that with the memories, I forgot they do that. It was fine 'before' but I can't fault them. That's what Facebook is for. I had to abandon it because of my friends happy lives. Don't need to see it. I hate this life too. And don't worry about not posting anything cheereful. This is exactly the kinds of things this forum should be for. It's not always about hope and light. When you're pissed, be pissed. Today is Friday and my and sister and I would surely be looking forward to the weekend and hanging with each other. I have no sister, friends, no life, nothing. I'm anger, broken and pissed and still cannot believe she is not here with me. This hell we're in is just a circle.

I miss this kind of stuff too. All my mom wants me to do now is drive her to pick up dinner or groceries. Not much interaction, just chauffeur her around then go back home. She doesn't get why this breaks my heart. It makes me even more depressed.

Ahaha! I loved Gilmore Girls too. They just recently started running the re-runs because I think they might have a reunion or something. I've been watching the re-runs when I catch them. I almost bought the box-set but changed my mind. But I also agree about TV shows because my sister and I loved a lot of the same ones and there are about 10 that I have yet to finish the seasons and that does sadden me because that's just one more fun thing I liked that has to be cut out of my life continuing to make my life even more miserable than it already is. My thing with TV was that it was broken up with hanging out with her, so now without her it's like all I can do now is watch show after show and I'm not that kind of TV Zombie. I like interacting with people after a while. We loved horror movies, and the fun thing was watching together, being worried for the characters, hoping they survive, being scared. We especially loved graphic deaths/horror like Saw type of movies. Now I can't go "Oh my god! Did you see that?!" to anyone but myself. *sigh*

Argh! All this replying is coming off the wrong way and getting confusing. I was trying to paraphrase that, and say that I was replying to you picking out something I said earlier. When I wrote the 'praised if they are positive' part I was talking about what *I* wrote earlier. I understand what you are saying about when you are down you want to be open to being uplifted. Nothing wrong with that and I agree with you. I know that is what this forum is for, to help us feel better. I was just trying to say that sometimes when I'm down I don't want to be cheered up. Sometimes when you vent, it's just that, you just need to vent. But I just wanted to say that to hopefully clear it up that I was not trying to attack or anything, and I apologize for any misunderstanding.

A lot of people wrote that I wanted to reply too, but I'll just start here. Kay, I want to say that you have always been someone that has responded to the most of my rants. I always appreciated you coming into the sibling thread and replying to me. It was very lonely over there and you didn't have to bother. Thank you. I absolutely am thankful for you offering encouragement and wanting to turn the dial to positive. I'm not knocking you wanting to make things positive here at all. I wanna combine that with Mitch replying to me saying how people are mostly praised if they are positive. I wasn't specifically talking about this forum, but as far as this forum/thread goes, it has been very helpful and I'm grateful for it. I come here to rant and vent and also hopefully get encouraged. Lately I feel like I'm viewed as the "angry old lady" and that was never me at all in the past. Maybe that made me even angrier, I don't know. I know that there are days I am positive, and I try to offer that to others who come, and when I'm pissed off and in a mood, I wanted a place where I could do that too. Maybe because this is such a different situation for me where I know inspiring words can't instantly fix the situation like they did when I had a sucky day at work and my friends could joke and give me good vibes, we'd have a drink and I'd usually feel better. Maybe it's just me, but sometimes when I vent and rant I just want to be agreed with. It's great when someone goes "Me too, I feel the same way" or "Yeah, I don't blame you. I know how you feel." I just need to get it out. My sister and I used to do that all the time, we'd vent, agree, understand the complaints, laugh and move on. It's very frustrating not having that companionship anymore. Not being able to get this out to anyone other than talking to myself. Next week I might be painting flowers, but I'm just saying that being in a pissed off, rotten mood is just another cycle.

As far as what your counselor said, I think we're to often shamed in not being more positive about a better future. When someone says despite their grief they get up each day and count each speck of sunshine and write down 10 things that made them happy they are praised and patted on the back. If you are still miserable and sad and bitter and don't want to do anything it's like you get the finger wag of 'why aren't you being more positive?' I've been feeling crappy for a while. And that may lift. But I can't push myself out of it, that doesn't work. I feel like telling someone to be happy is the same as telling someone that's happy to be sad. You can't force it. I"m trying to find a life when my current life has been destroyed. I don't know where to start. Gwen, I'm more like you with the rants than posting those inspiring quotes. I used to do that on Pinterest, but for me it always worked for a fixable problem. Those quotes don't help me in this. The hole in my heart and my life will remain. I feel that is what society and also our friends want, to spout some encouraging sentiment and we instantly puff our chests out and charge through life renewed, thus done with our grief.

I come here for that and to vent and complain because I can't get either from anywhere else.

Scba, I feel just like you today. Actually, I've been like this for the past 2 weeks. So, yes, I think sometimes grief is like going in circles. I think we want expectations on our grief because of just that, we WANT to be making progress. You did take a step, but it's a hard step indeed. You are still grief stricken and dealing with a monumental change. Moving and job searching can also be monumental changes, but they are also changes that are supposed to (or should be) uplifting and encouraging. It's supposed to be about a good change. These are changes that you were forced to make before you were ready, and they are because of something tragic that happened. None of this is inspiring or uplifting. I also function in the 'putting one foot in front of the other' variety, and what kind of life is that? Then you have friends sending you emails on their excited news about moving and marriages. Yes, that will make you feel worse. I have been in that same situation, which is why I had to cut myself off from people, which makes me even more isolated, lonely and bitter. It's a vicious cycle. Lately, I feel like I"m going mad. I don't know where to go from here. I'm back with those insane feelings that I had before. You are not alone in the land mind, I feel like that would be a reprieve from stumbling through this non-life. Do we have to keep getting worse before we get better? When does it end? Don't feel bad for how you feel. I know I"m tired of feeling like I need to be positive. I'm not positive. That may pass, and when it does, great. Just know that you have done a lot more than you think you have and you're still moving. One day at a time.

That picture is how I have been feeling the last two weeks. I just am so down and depressed and I have no life. I finally have a car and no where to go and no one to go with. That is what is really making me depressed. All I do is drive my ma and aunt to the grocery store and my Ma around to get food. She only wants to go out if I'm taking her somewhere to get some dinner to pick up. It's just so boring, lonely and depressing that that is my fun filled weekend. Chauffeur to the grocery store. Exciting! I feel like an old maid. This lifestyle keeps me bitter and angry. I wanted a car specifically for me and my sister to tool around town and have fun. This is what I'm stuck with. Just annoyed.

It his me every time I see a movie trailer, hear about Game of Thrones (her favorite show), see the titles of her favorite shows, all the things that we got excited about together. No more telling her "We gotta see this movie!" Things like that keep me in a depressed fog. When I look at my car parked and don't even want to drive that's when I want to scream this cannot be! That was not how it was supposed to be. I feel so robbed.

Wolfskat, you know you're not crazy and I know just what you mean. I think we all probably sealed ourselves off from the world as best as we could after our tragedies. Hearing the world continue was the last thing I wanted to hear. Eventually, it becomes something to get involved in and actually occupy your mind with other thoughts. Hearing it is more relaxing because there is no pressure to be a part of it. And you do eventually get tired of the quiet. As much as I like to be by myself, I'm a big talker, so this is like torture to me. I love discussing and analyzing stuff with people from stuff on the news to the season finale of The Walking Dead. I miss company.

This has been me over this last week. I have started seeing my therapist twice a week and she suggested a psychiatrist for meds. I officially am depressed. And that depresses me because I have never been depressed before. But I know how I act is not me at all. Sometimes I just can't get past my sister is gone. I think of the things we used to do together and it makes me miserable. I miss her voice, her texts, her coming by to see me, us planning stuff to do, buying take out and can't wait to go home to eat and watching movies. Anything and everything that basically gave me some sort of life revolved around her. We did so much together. I get tired of being tired about it. I get tired of trying to find something to fill the time. I get frustrated and lonely and that makes me mad. I'm tired of being frustrated. I fear this getting worse. Is this my doom if I live another 50 years? My therapist keeps suggesting volunteering and meet up groups. I have been looking but I also feel a desperation with that. It's this feeling of it being all I have left and if that doesn't work, then what? I can't guarantee a great friendship if I volunteer. I know I have to try, but I hate the expectations I have around it.

I have not written anything in almost 10 years, so I can barely call myself a writer anymore. At my last job there was guy I was friendly with who is an Artist and we would talk and he'd ask me if I had any creative energy when I got home. I never did then so you know I don't have any now. It's saddled with grief and depression and despair. When I got to a point that I was getting back on my writing track, and on a healthy lifestyle--she passed away--and everything crashed and burned. It's like getting to the top of a mountain, miss stepping and sliding back to the base--for the third time. I'm tired. I just lost it on the comfort food and that is depressing. I was doing so well. I hate to see my doctor now, she will be disappointed. I lost myself and I don't know how to get me back.

Yes, me too. When I think of how I sat there staring at my sister basically unresponsive and discussing taking her in when she couldn't even wake up, let alone stand....I just feel like a fool and I will never forgive myself. I can't say I did everything I could because I did nothing. Had I made her just go to hospital I bet she would be here now. When I hear of people surviving a triple bypass and their third stroke I think, why couldn't that be her? Then I realize it was about 90% my fault for not helping her. When she needed me to help her, I failed her. And I can't get that moment back to set right.