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Everything posted by virgo_gal

  1. Hi Matt Sliva, I am sorry that you lost your brother too at a very young age. Yes, it's our first year without him. It has been around 4.5 months since he passed away..sadly, I am still consumed by anger and guilt. I keep thinking about him all the time. He is always on my mind.. I still have a long way to go. I try not to remember that day but it's really hard. His memories are what keep me going.
  2. It was his birthday yesterday. He would have turned 28. Few of our relatives came over to our place. It was a nice distraction.. my brother loved birthdays. He used to be so happy and excited whenever his used to be approaching. He used to actually remind everyone literally everyday. And he was so pure hearted, no matter how a person is, whether he was friendly with him/her or not, he wished everyone lovingly..he made sure that nobody was left out.. I miss you baby and love you.. happy birthday once again..
  3. I get angry at every random thing too. Even when I do not want to. I always end up crying after that because I feel just so helpless and stuck. I really do not know who I should confide in. I don't want to keep cribbing the whole time either.
  4. Yes, thats what my mom says. I keep missing him and wondering about him. By dreams,I meant the general ones, where I am doing something and he is right there with me. Its as if he is still alive and we are going on as we did. I am not sure if these are the 'visitations'.. I have applied for a leave on his day, I just want to be there with my parents. They need all the support. And yes, mom's angel I do question god. Infact all the time. God did not give us a chance to save him. He went before even he got the chance to realise what was happening to him. It is awful without him at home :-(
  5. I want to believe it is a sign, I pray to god to give him love and strength.. I feel a little weird discussing about these dreams with anyone.. he stays in my mind all day long.. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I cannot imagine how you are coping. I hope there are people - family & friends around you to support you..take care.
  6. It's my brother's birthday this week and I am feeling just so sad as the day is nearing. Otherwise I am feeling a little better, yes. Things are pretty hectic at work, so I am not thinking about him that much but he is always there in the back of my mind.. And I am dreaming of him also, is this some sort of a sign? I have always been curious about life after death..but never felt the need to research the topic much. Anyway, this will be his first birthday after his passing away.. It has only been 4 months but it feels longer. I wish my baby is safe and happy :-(
  7. Hollowheart, I have been crying since last weekend.. I am usually thinking about something and just randomly thoughts of my brother pop up in my head and I end up in tears.. or maybe because his birthday is coming up early next month. I have already applied for leave on that day. I want to spend the day with my family. I am saddened by the fact that he wont be celebrating his 28th birthday. He still got excited about birthdays. He was totally happy with his life. No matter whatever ups and downs he faced, he believed god is there to help him, such a pious soul..
  8. Hi smilingless, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my only brother at the end of September, 2015. I got a phone call too when I was on my way back from work. Those words still haunt me. I was already too late to reach the hospital.. My heart breaks for you that you faced two losses one after the other. As kayc and cathyc said, please keep in touch.
  9. That is exactly the story of my life. I feel miserable everyday. It is a combination of alot of stuff but yes, mainly grief. I have to daily come with excuses why I am so sad right in the morning. I just feel like coming back home. I jus get plain angry that I have to answer people around me like you and they think I am being negative.
  10. Even if there are people around, they listen to all this for a while and expect us to be normal afterwards. I mean, really? Will there ever be anything 'normal' for us? I myself feel I am bottling up everything inside me, which I know is not the correct approach. I feel so exhausted, I do not even feel like writing much about it. But honestly, this place is the only outlet I have. Friends are there but not someone who knows me inside out or someone I can easily express myself too. It is hard to put into words what I really feel. What do I even tell anybody?
  11. I go through the same feelings whenever I see or read about someone dying. Earlier, it was something which was only a part of the story, now we can actually relate to it. Many times, I have heard people kid around with this word, randomly throw it on each other. I feel awful. I just feel like shouting and telling them that they know nothing about death. They do not have any idea about the grief, depression, guilt, anger or misery that comes with it. They are absolutely clueless. I am having difficulty dealing with my sadness as well. There are times, when people actually catch me staring in space with a blank expression. Someone or the other always comes up to me to ask if I am alright. I give the same reply, I have been giving from the last 3 months - "I am fine."
  12. I have kept all his messages and other content in his phone. I took out his phone on 1st Jan this year. There were just general messages, no personal message. I felt so bad that there was nothing for him. Therefore, I sent him a text wishing him a happy new year. Now, if there is anything I'd like to say to him, I have decided I'll send him a text. I wish there was a way where I could reach out to him and tell him how much I love him. It is hell living without him.
  13. Hi..I am having a hard time coping too. I came back home from work after the holidays and tried watching a movie. Saw it till my eyes could not take it anymore and fell asleep. I do not want my mind to be idle. I have to constantly keep it distracted. That is how I am surviving. And I have my brother's phone as well. I keep it in my drawer, usually on silent mode. Maybe I had removed it from silent, so all of sudden it started ringing yesterday.My brother had this same ringtone from the past couple of years. My dad literally jumped from the dinner table and ran to pick it up. He actually broke down after hearing it. It was a sad moment for all of us.
  14. Yes mom's angel is right. I spent less time with my brother in his last year. I feel so guilty about it. I got his pictures framed right after he went away. I love looking at his smiling face when I am missing him. I don't know if this is the answer you are looking for but you should remember him as much as you can. Let your children know about your childhood days. Help the needy if you can. Make donations on his birthdays or anniversaries. The blessings will reach him. I mean this is what we are planning. It has been only 3 months since I lost my brother and there is no way on earth I will accept his loss.
  15. I have never had close friends either. I know if I reach out to few of them, they will be there. But they will not really get the grief I am going through right now. Their lives are continuing as usual. Infact, several of our cousins, actually all of them are living their lives, enjoying. My brother and I were close to each other mainly. But I feel sad, that they all were also related to him. The least they could do was not post their pictures celebrating the new year. But my mom says, I should not hold this against them.
  16. I have experienced the same. I don't push further either. Yes kayc, you are right it is hard to describe. But I just want someone to talk to. I feel anxious alot as well. I want to feel calm from inside. My mind is in a constant turmoil. I feel scared for myself too. I don't want to fall ill. Hollowheart I wake up everyday and this realization hits me that my brother is not coming back. I have to go back to office from Monday, back to the grind. Back to that shitty life once again. Will have to start being 'normal' again.
  17. Yes, no one really talks about it much. Everyone tells the same story, that you gotta deal with the loss. I want people to tell me how they coped in the beginning. It is so tough. You can't just talk to anyone about this. Sadly, the people who have suffered understand but they are also not willing so much. The future feels really very scare. 2016? 12 long months? Very difficult to imagine.
  18. I cried alone in my room looking at my brother's picture. Everyone is telling me how 2016 be a great year. Honestly speaking, I feel so scared. At the beginning of 2015, never expected that we will be losing my brother. I don't know how 2016 is going to be like but I do not want to lose anyone ever again like this.
  19. Yes, its always how you are treated at your workplace or how much you are respected. I know that I do hell lot of work but since I am not much of a talker, I dont brag about it. In today's world, people brag more, work less. Since the time I lost my brother, I have become even more silent. I dont really feel like talking all the time. People keep telling me I should start applying for jobs. How on earth am I going to prepare for one? My concentration is zero at the moment. My mind keeps going back. It is hard to seriously prepare for anything.
  20. I am hating my job too. I am in the IT sector. I want to switch my field and go for human resources. My boss is exactly like yours. Makes me do tons of work but in the end I get no returns. Not even an appreciation mail or anything. I badly want to change my job but right now, I dont have it in me to get up and look for other ones. I feel so depressed because of it. I have absolutely nobody to complain. I just have to silently do my job right now.
  21. I am so angry at god too. I wished the same, that I should have gone too. But then again, I feel guilty and shake of these thoughts. My parents are trying to stay strong for my sake. I should hold up for them too. It is so damn tough, going about everyday and acting normal. I am out of town right now. Not really enjoying myself. I want to go home and sit alone in peace. I am not liking it anywhere.
  22. Oh. I really hope you get well soon. Take good care of yourself. And I can totally relate to the feeling that there will be christmases, new years and several other important days that I will not have the company of my brother. There are times that I get really upset and secrectly ask god to take me away too :-( My mom got real pissed once when I told her the same. She told me I was being very selfish and indulging in self pity only.So, I feel very guilty when I get such thoughts. I try to shake them off. My christmas was okay. Not much of a celebration is done anyway. But these events only give us the sad reminder that for the rest of our lives, my brother will not be there to celebrate with us. I'm thinking of him all the time. No matter what I am doing, its totally impossible to even stop even a minute or two.
  23. Parties are something, I'd like to stay away from. I am not much of an extrovert anyway. How was your christmas? How are you doing?
  24. Hi cathyc, thanks for writing. I dont have any plans for christmas but next week ,we all as in me along with my parents are planning to go out of town. I was pretty happy about this earlier because you know, I just wanted to get away from this place for a couple of days. But I cried like hell today. I told my mom the truth, that I am not really in the mood to go anywhere. I just want to stay at home. She cried with me. She told me how much she misses my brother too. We have never taken any family trip without him . She told me how much my dad is wanting to go out of town. He keeps crying these day, so I should not try to change his mind. I didnt say anything further. I am feeling as if I was a part of a team and that team has broken.. How are you planning to spend your holidays?
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