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virgo_gal

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Everything posted by virgo_gal

  1. Last few days have been pretty tough for me as well. I can't pinpoint the exact reason. I just know, I am not able to concentrate at work. I am unable to do the tasks assigned to me. Earlier I was relieved that holidays are coming and I can finally get away from work. Now that the holidays have come, I am actually dreading them. What on earth I am going to do? Get even more depressed. I am feeling sad already thinking about the next few days..
  2. Other than parties, my friends are really trying to draw me out. I cant decide if should start hanging out with friends or not. Am I really ready for it? Not sure. Thank you for being there. Feel really better to know that atleast someone knows the answers to all these questions swimming in my head. As for the people, its pretty insensitive of them to push you to come for certain parties. I mean, isnt it so obvious?
  3. You need to forgive yourself hollowheart because that's what your sister would have wanted. I am sure she must be seeing you right now and not liking the fact, that you are blaming yourself. I know its hard but you gotta try. Like Kayc said, we aren't perfect people. We feel especially more guilty if the person is not there any longer and we cant go upto them and ask for forgiveness directly. I myself feel guilty that I had become so busy with my life that I was not spending enough time with my brother. I wish I could ask him to forgive me and let him know, how I lucky I am to get him as a brother. If not for yourself, try to be a little positive for your parents. I am living for my parents only. I dont want them to break. I try to be normal with them. And apart from a counsellor, we all here for you.
  4. I am screaming inside my head too. I badly need a break, so that I can deal with all these emotions. I carry that heaviness around with me. My brother went so unexpectedly that no one could have even predicted it in a thousand years. My parents keep wondering where they went wrong. Whether it was bound to happen, that god had planned it all along or they didnt get the regular checkups done. I mean, when someone is perfectly fine how can you even consider such a possibility. We keep asking god,why my brother was taken away so suddenly. If he had a problem, he could have been admitted to the hospital and taken care of there. God just gave him 10 mins. Should we thank him for giving him a smooth passage or cry for the fact, that he was never given a chance?
  5. You look around, you go out, everyplace will have some memory attached to it. You will always be reminded of the good times. So the birthday party I mentioned earlier, again a friend invited me for it. I didnt really show any interest, thinking they will get the message. So the next day, my other 'close' friend is telling me all kinds of things, that I should be a part of these parties. I was like, that I am not in the celebratory mood. He still did not get my point and asked me why, its our friend's birthday. I had to be direct to him after that. I told him I dont want to celebrate anything atleast for an year and then he got it. He was like 'oh'. Its not even been full 3 months. These friends came to my place to give their condolences. Now, they have completely forgotten about it. Although I dont expect them to remember it every second of the day but atleast be mindful of the fact that I am disinterested in being social right now. I dont have it in me to even attend such things.
  6. Kayc: no, I am not seeing a grief counselor. There is nothing good around me. Marty: Thank you for the article. I feel a little better after reading it. There are actually people out there like me,who find it hard to cry after such a big loss. I have always been a very emotional person, crying at the drop of a hat. But I have always cried alone,never infront of anyone. Now, I am finding it hard to cry alone also. I get this heaviness in my chest when I think of my brother but tears refuse to come out. Even if they do, they are way too less when compared to the loss we have suffered.
  7. Yet another weekend has come and I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing. I have no plans,nothing. I just know I started my day crying. All my brother's belongings are where he left them. So, when we enter any room, you can find something or the other that belonged to him. Soon we will be entering 2016. It's so weird when I think about it, that my brother will be left behind in 2015. There will be years now that he will not see. I still cry over him, its going to be almost 3 months since he left. But I am not crying SO much. It's all happening in my mind and heart. I don't understand, I am still in the denial mode or what? How can I not cry so much when the closest person to me has died. I always treated him like my baby. The day he went away, it felt as if my sibling/baby has been snatched away from me. I keep repeating the words in my mind my dad said when he called me THAT day to tell me. I didnt know how to react then, I dont know how to react now. I just to want to take a break from everything, stay at home and hide from the world. I am tired of being brave for everyone. I want to grieve for my brother properly. I have tears stuck inside me. I do not want to have an emotional breakdown later.
  8. Yes even if we are in the middle of something, we keep having the same thoughts. I try focusing on things around me at work or else I know I will start crying. I have my brother's pictures in my phone. Every morning I have a look at them. And try not opening the gallery when I am at work. Its so tough but I try my best. I instantly tear up looking at him so young and handsome. I am sorry by taking up a hobby, I meant doing something different. I have been a very lazy person before. But now, every evening I go for a walk with mom when I get back home. My brother used to always accompany her for her walks. We both feel 5% better afterwards. When you get out of the house, you start focusing on the world around you more. Its great that you watch the shows, you used to see with your sister. At home, we dare not to see the shows my brother liked. We all cry so much because he was so particular about his fav. Shows.
  9. Anyone who has gone through similar loss can only understand. Everyone has a different coping mechanism. My dad has always been the strongest person around. But he cries the most since we lost my brother. Maybe you can think of taking up some hobby? Or try talking to some close friends about your feelings. We always need an outlet when we are so full of emotions. We need a vent. Try writing about your sister if you can.
  10. Losing a young child is the worst thing that can happen to any parent. At the same time, losing your sibling, your closest connection is downright awful. And you cant even start explaining it to someone. My boyfriend, is the closest person to me right now. He knows how damn attached I am to my brother. But he has hardly talked to me about him. He is a real nice guy but he also has no clue as to what to say to me. I was actually very pissed with him in the beginning for not asking me anything about this but then I realized, he struggles to find words to say to me. So in short, I have no damn person to express myself to. I feel fortunate that I found this group and met people like you all, who actually get the entire thing. How unfair it is that people who experience the same grief can only understand.
  11. Yes exactly and since I dont talk about him infront of them they think I am over it. How can someone ever be over such grief? Since it hasnt happened to them and they have not experienced it firsthand, they dont really understand the loss. Even if someone asks me out of the blue, its about my parents are doing. I mean hello, what about me? Just because I come to the office everyday, it does not mean I am okay. Because I am not okay. I have always been an introvert, so I dont really feel comfortable venting to anyone regarding this entire thing. If I talk to my mom, she starts crying. I try to avoid talking with her. Its awful living my life right now. So much to say.
  12. I am kinda going through the same hollowheart. I have a group of friends at my workplace who are always staying late after work to hang out or party. Most of them are not staying with their families and living independently whereas few of us still live with ours. So I usually decline such invitations. I am not much of an extrovert but last time these guys had a party before my brother passed away and they failed to invite people who usually say no. And we got after their lives afterwards for this. Now after 2.5 months its my friends birthday coming up. Everyone is telling that I should dare not miss it. I mean seriously, how can you even think I am in a mood to party? Laugh and dance with the others? Do people forget such major things or they pretend to do so? Its pretty callous to say the least.
  13. Yes, there are a million little things that happen everyday that you want to tell someone. A sibling is someone who knows every thought,feeling of yours,without judging you. Yes, that lifelong bond is broken when you lose your brother/sister. You feel that emptiness every second of the day.
  14. Cathyc : how old was your brother and what happened to him?
  15. I hope he is at a happy place right now. No matter what, he will always remain in my heart as my brother. He was the best. He is the best. One day, I am sure we ll meet and I ll tell him how much I loved him.
  16. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am, for fighting with him, being rude to him or even saying mean things to him at times. I didnt mean any of that. I used to be busy and tired all those times and used to take out my frustrations on anyone and everyone. -- I only have love for u in my heart, dear brother. You mean the world to me. And I would do anything in the world to make sure you are happy and getting all the love that you deserve.
  17. I have been crying again since yesterday.. I dont know why, maybe the weekends feel so empty without him. Our home has also become so dull and silent which was so lively before because of him. I am not so talkative either, have never been. My parents are also growing old. I have to support them as much as I can. How are we going to cope up without him on important events? Family functions? He was the light of our family. There is only darkness around us now.
  18. I had even less time with him. I dread meeting new people because of this reason. This is a general question ( about your sublings) that people ask, you know just to get the conversation moving. My mom's friend said, that we should probably tell he has gone abroad to study/work. I dont know whether this will work in the long run or not. But I would never say I am the only one. He will always remain my brother irrespective of the fact he is not physically present in my life now. But I have several school/college/office friends who message me once in a blue moon. For the first few minutes, I dont know how to respond because I keep on wondering if he/she knows or not. I just told a couple of close friends not everyone but lately I am not in touch with anyone so much, so I dont know that who all are aware. Therefore, its hard for me to decide to talk nornally and pretend nothing is wrong or tell them outright if they ask me how I am doing.
  19. I guess the saddness remains, it just dulls a little over time. I have friends around me whose brothers and sisters are getting married. Its so unfair my brother did not get the chance to experience all these things. His life was cut short so suddenly. Its almost 2.5 months since I last spoke to him,met him. I always wonder, what I should tell people who meet me and are unaware of my brother passing away. I mean if someone asks how is your brother doing, what should I reply? Or maybe say I meet someone new and they ask me if I have any siblings. How should I respond to that?
  20. Yes totally get what you mean. I want people how I am. But nobody really does. Either they think I am over it since I dont talk about it or they have forgotten it. It sucks when you cant release your pent up emotions. Like you, my mind is filled with anger. I have taken off from work tomorrow. Feeling so mentally exhausted. And you should probably send those thank you notes and get over them. Yes, it kinda helps writing here because people who have lost a loved one can only understand for real.
  21. Yes the loneliness is unbearable. I just wish I could hug him right now and tell him how much I love him. It was so tough at work today that I justed wanted to get home and hide from the world. At times, I feel like hanging out with people and then instantly feel guilty for wanting such things. All his stuff is around us, his pictures, belongings. We havent moved his things an inch. They are exactly there where he left them.
  22. I know the feeling. I dont talk and laugh so often. Office sucks too. I feel exhausted at the end of the day, pretending to be okay even when am not. My friends try to chip in too at times but I am still not ready to discuss him as yet. My heartaches when I talk of him (which happens very rarely). My cousins,uncles,aunts and other relatives are also back to normal. They all are happily partying and posting pics on fb with their friends. They all got back to their normal routine. N yes it gets very lonely too. The transition from being a sibling to being an only child is awful.
  23. Omg hollow heart, your writing exactly what I feel. Bad things happened in other families. Could never imagine such kind of sadness in our own family. I felt so awful in the first month that he is gone and I am still living. I kept asking god to take me as well. I could never in a thousand years, think of living without him. My problem is that I am still not able to digest the fact he is not there with us anymore. I guess, I am avoiding facing the reality. I am not crying. I avoid talking about him, thinking about him. I am scared, I ll have a mental breakdown. This is the only place I am writing about him. And since I try to act normal, every freaking person is acting so normal around me. I feel so strange.
  24. Kayc: its me sadheart. I have finally registered myself here and become a part of you all. Cathyc: I do believe I ll meet him one day. He was such a pious soul. A real innocent at heart. Never did anything wrong, made no demands, was at a happy place in his life. Why his time was so short shall always remain an unsolved mystery to us.
  25. Guest : we were living under the same roof but we were busy with our own lives. I feel sad because I could not say a proper goodbye to him. It was like I was running late that morning, I just said a fleeting bye to him and left for work. In the evening, I got the news of his passing away. And the very next day I saw his lifeless body. So much changed in one freaking day that my whole life became upside down. My whole future feels empty. But I am no longer afraid of dying myself. I know I should not be saying all this but the day I will die, I will have a smile on my face because I know I will be meeting him. I am feeling weird writing all these private thoughts of mine but honestly, I cannot say all these to anyone out loud. - sadheart
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