BarbaraM

Hi William: Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. No forgiveness is necessary. Your concern is most appreciated. I am so touched that perfect strangers reach out to support each other in times like this. I have worked with some people for the last 10 years and they have yet to say "I'm sorry for your loss" or even acknowledge that Clay died. That simply dumbfounds me. I know there are people who don't know how to deal with death or with someone who has experienced a devastating loss - but what happened to common courtesy? Maybe I'm expecting too much from the people who I thought were my friends. I'm sorry you're a member of this community as well. My condolences to you. Take care and strength to us all. Barb

Hi Shirley <many hugs>: I don't think that empty feeling will ever go away. It will probably lessen in intensity, but something is missing from our lives that can never be replaced - no matter if we remarry and go on to live life with a new <but different> love. I understand what you mean by saying this is where you should have been the first time around. I was married for 21 years before Clay came into my life and when I think back on it now, I cannot imagine how I could have stayed married that long the first time. Clay and I were definitely soul mates - meant to be. We didn't have to even talk to each other at times, just being in the same house was enough. He taught me so many things about life and myself. He was legally blind so he saw with his heart - not with his eyes. My heart goes out to you. To stand by and watch your spouse deteriorate before your eyes has got to be just as difficult as having them gone in a blink of the eye. They're still gone. Take care and strength to us all. Barb

Benita <hugs>: I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband 3 1/2 weeks ago. It was very sudden - he died within 6 hours of being admitted to the hospital. I'm also "angry" that he left me, but realize that his physical body just couldn't hold on any longer. He will have a military funeral next Friday - Sept 29th which would have been our 11th wedding anniversary. The funeral director just brought his remains home to me yesterday. That was hard. The lonliness is overwhelming and the pain is unbearable at times. The tears flow uncontrollably but there are also one or two smiles when I think of the wonderful life we had together. Yes, I feel cheated because this wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. We had just moved to a new home in a new town the beginning of July. We knew no one here. I work from home so it was great - we were together all the time as well. He couldn't work, he was legally blind. So I now live alone with our 2 dogs in a house that is still being renovated to what we had wanted. You have come to the right place. It's so very important to talk about your feelings and get them out. Each of my 2 daughters comes to visit every other weekend. They live 90 miles away and work full time so that's the only time they can come. Having loving family and caring friends around you at this time makes a world of difference. I encourage you to go visit your family and friends. The other night I met a lady online <a host in one of the chat rooms> who lives 15 minutes from me and lost her husband as well. We are going to meet for coffee this coming week. It will force me to get out of the house and help me realize that I can resume my life without my husband. Do you have a local grief support group where you live? I am fortunate that I do - through the Hospice - and will attend their next meeting. Stress and grief is exhausting - both mentally and physically. Take care of yourself. Strength to us all. Barb

Hi Derek, Chrissy, Stoo and Kayc: Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for every one of your losses. To lose one's soul mate suddenly and not be able to say goodbye or even see him/her simply stinks. The void right now is bottomless. I know it will change one day and I keep on telling myself that. It just scares me that I will never be able to adjust to life without him. The funeral director brought Clay's remains today together with the flag for his service next week. I also got a companion urn to keep with me at home. I thought I would feel a little peaceful about him being here. I feel nothing. I guess the numbness hasn't worn off yet. I don't want to bury him and I don't want to say goodbye. Take care and strength to us all. Barb

I lost my husband Clay who was my soul mate, best friend, suddenly on August 29th. He was 63, I'm 56. He woke up that morning and said his tongue was numb and he was slurring his words. He thought he was having a stroke. He arrived at the hospital at 9:00 a.m. He had been having some usual stomach problems for a few days and that was it. They couldn't get a temperature reading the conventional way because it was so low - 95 degrees. His blood pressure was normal - great in fact. His white blood cell count was through the roof and his lung x-rays came back highly abnormal. His lungs sounded good though - he was getting good air exchange. They started him on a mega dose of antibiotics to try and stabilize the blood. They admitted him and said he would probably be there 4-5 days until they diagnosed what was wrong. Once he was in his room with the nurses making him comfortable and doing everything that they do, we decided I should go home, let the dogs out and bring back his blanket and pillow. I hugged and kissed him, told him I loved him and the last thing I heard as I went out the door was "I love you". No sooner did I get home than the hopsital called and said they had moved him to ICU and I had better come back. I was there within 10 minutes and he was already unconscious and intubated. He had coded right after I walked out the door and was without oxygen for 10 minutes until they were able to stabilize him somewhat. His body was so septic that all his major organs were shutting down. They told me to talk to him - that he would hear me. I held his hand and told him not to go, I loved and needed him. I was hoping for a gentle squeeze of my hand, but nothing happened. He coded again and they were able to bring him back. At that point it was decided that if he coded again, I would let him go rest in peace. They were going to try and give him a blood transfusion. They never got to give it to him. He coded again and was gone. I never had a clue that he was so sick. I'm sure he knew but didn't say anything because he didn't want to worry me. I am quite angry at that. To have him suddenly wrenched from my life is horrible. The night before he died he was in the kitchen cooking dinner. He did tell me the week before that he had a dream that he was going to die. I said to myself "where did that come from?". And I blew it off. Never to feel his soft touch on my cheek or never to hold his hand again while falling asleep is unbearable right now. The pain is still too raw to conceive a life without him. I have never lived alone until now. Went from parent's house to first marriage then to Clay. We had just moved to a new home in a new location the beginning of July. We knew no one except our real estate agent, but that didn't matter. We had each other and the 2 dogs. He loved it here and had all sorts of plans. I will carry out most of those plans. There were a few I wasn't too crazy about but never said anything because he was so hyped up. He will have a military funeral on Sept 29th which would have been our anniversary. I couldn't think of a more appropriate time to say my final goodbye. The lonliness is overwhelming right now. I know I will make it through this because I am a strong person and Clay wouldn't have wanted me to grieve for him the rest of my life. I will celebrate and remember all the good times we had together. But it's very hard right now. Strength to us all. Barb