quiltcat

Dear Kim, I'm also really glad to have found this site. It does help to know others are out here. I'm not really sure if my Mom knew she was dying, but on some level, she did. About a year before she died, she was diagnosed with suspected Alzheimer's. Later, some of her doctors changed their minds, but she definitely wasn't herself towards the end. My sister demanded we not tell Mom about the diagnosis, feeling that she would commit suicide if she knew. Mom knew there was something wrong with her, though. She fell and broke her hip in Oct., and never really recovered after that. Physically, she healed quickly, but refused to walk for fear of falling. My sister refused to allow her to use a walker, feeling that that would encourage her to remain weak, and since she was in Phx. and visiting Mom daily at the rehab center, I didn't fight her. Mom got more and more dependent and isolated over the following weeks, and eventually needed someone with her all the time she was awake or she panicked. The doctors put her on some antipsychotics to calm her, but they really threw her for a loop. She had a severe reaction to them and went downhill rapidly after that. By the time she died in Dec., she was delusional half the time, and just wanted it to stop. As hard as that was, in a way it helped to know she was ready, if not completely aware. Most of her "visitors" were dead friends, pets, and relatives. I take that as a sign she knew and was preparing herself. When I do my fun activity, I often do it alone just because everyone else is busy, but not always. Today a friend and I went on a hike in Saguaro Monument. It was really hard to do something alone at first. I didn't feel right doing something just for me, and I thought I'd be the only one by myself. My husband works long hours and travels a lot ( he just left again) and my daughter is the only one left at home. She is not generally exited about mother-daughter activities, being very 17 just now. I pretty much had to try it alone. You might try it sometimes. I often end up chatting with someone and having a nice time. It always makes me feel better. Having a break in your routine is very cheering. Take care of yourself! I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll try writing to her and see what happens. I'm only recently starting to see how much it affected me. So much of what I 've done with my life has been an attempt to prove her wrong. I've never really thought about the choices I've made in that light before. She was furious when I quit school halfway through my junior year of college, and I thought I just needed a break after going to school summers and winters all through highschool without a break, but I can also still vividly hear her telling me "You'd better get a good degree in something that pays well because it's for damn sure no one will want you for your looks." I wonder now if I could have stayed with it. I also have always considered myself big, boxy and masculine looking, so it was a shock when someone recently made some comment about me being small. I honestly never even considered it, but I guess I'm pretty much an average sized woman. (almost 5'4" and size 10) It amazes me that would never cross my mind. I just took whatever she said as true. Maybe I need to spend some time figuring out who I really am. Anyway, I really appreciate your comments. It's nice to know someone else is there. Yesterday was an especially rough day. My husband ( who does try, but doesn't get it) left on a business trip of undetermined length right in the middle of our replumbing our house (by ourselves), leaving me with drywall to finish, tile to grout, and walls to paint. Then my oldest son called needing a doctor's phone number because he's been ignoring his asthma and couldn't breathe. I ended up ordering pizza and curling up with a book all evening. I'm feeling better today. My son is back on his med.s and is feeling better. The water is on, the drywall is up, and the rest will either happen or not.

My mother was verbally and sometimes physically abusive, especially when I was young. I repressed the physical stuff until my son was born, ( I asked about the scar on my face, but no one could remember me without it.) so we never talked about it. We had a reasonably good relationship towards the end of her life, and I was with her every weekend the last few months of her life. We never talked about how she treated me, however. My sister had a much happier relationship with her and thinks I'm exaggerating the impact of Mom's attitude towards me because I was unwilling to quit my teaching position and leave my 16 year old home alone ( my husband travels a lot) to move to Phx. and sit with Mom for an unknown amount of time. (As it turned out, 6 weeks). Instead, I took over her finances and paperwork and went there each weekend to give my sister a break. She says I'm just selfish for not helping more and trying to feel less guilty about it. Lately I've been feeling angry that Mom never apologized My husband feels it's time I "just get over it" without anyone ever acknowledging that I didn't deserve to be hit or screamed at. He says that since he doesn't believe I'm fat, ugly, and useless, I should forget all the things she said and be happy with myself. There's a sense of relief that it's all over, too. I just finished dividing the last part of her estate, and I guess that's why I feel like everything should be finished. How do I move on?

i also just found out about this site from the mailing. My Mom died last Dec. and a lot of what you wrote sounds very familiar. I'm working on getting back into a "normal" life, and it's better sometimes, but still hard at others. I think being there for a someone who's dying takes so much energy, even when you're not physically there at any given moment, that your body just needs a little break for a while. I'm guessing it was pretty much your whole life towards the end. I was only able to spend weekends with my mother since I live 120 miles away and worked full time teaching. I got a lot of flack from my family for a while, too. My sister thought I should quit work and move in with her to help watch Mom. I didn't feel like I could leave my students mid-year, not to mention a teenage daughter at home, but I did take over the finances and paid for a nurse to sit with her. (She was already living in an assisted living center. ) I 'm trying to convince myself not to feel guilty about not being there more, but reason doesn't always help. I'm guessing your brothers feel guilty about not being there and believe they're being helpful with their suggestions. Try telling them you don't appreciate the armchair quarterbacking and if they can see a better way to handle things, they should volunteer to do it. They probably won't, but you'll feel better. One thing that helped me was to schedule in one manditory activity a week just for me. I realized I was so wound up in taking care of everything for everyone and feeling guilty for not doing enough that I was spiraling down into an inability to do anything. I couldn't even pick a meal off a menu. It was suprisingly hard at first, but it really helps. It doesn't have to be anything major. I got my nails done, went to a movie in the middle of the day, that sort of thing. I also never got to say goodbye to my Mom. She was too afraid to even be by herself, much less talk about death. It helps to know that even though she didn't say goodbye, I had lots of time with her at the end. It's not really the goodbye I miss, it's that I never talked to her about things that happened earlier and heard either an explanation or apology for the years of (mostly) verbal abuse. I wish I had been brave enough to ask. if you had a good relationship, focus on that and the times you shared. I hope this helps.