jmo

I've heard it said the for someone to win, someone else has to lose. This is what I mean by black sheep. The one that's cursed to lose. Bad luck just seems to follow some people. My guilt is survivors guilt, yes, but it's also more. It's winner's guilt. I love all your responses, they are so very kind. It's nice to say something to someone who isn't obliged to listen, and still get an audience. The world killed my brother and somehow I'm expected to keep my head up, stay positive and contribute. The Obliterated Place was a good read, thank you.

It's been a year and a half, and I'm really no closer to accepting my loss. Mark was 3 years older than I, but we were not close. He was the black sheep and I the white. He was the lost child, and I the future of the family name. He was not married and had no children of his own. I have 2.5 children and a mortgage. He is now dead and the guilt is more than I can bare. I cannot allow him to be forgotten, it's the very least I can do...but I don't know how. It was his shoulders I stood on that let me reach so high. He sacrificed himself for me, so that I could survive. No, so I could thrive. His final years must have been lonely...and hard. Rarely a job, living at home with mom, no future, no savings, no prospects. All the while his little bro getting married, having kids, good jobs, good cars, dogs, Christmas dinners. How do I honor him? How do I grieve and live a life worthy of what he did. Don't tell me all grief is different. Don't tell me to go easy on myself. Tell me how to honor him. Tell me how to live.