spunkye

Thank you so much for that quotation, Walt...it's so true. Every once in awhile I remember to be grateful for our lives together. He made me a much better person and I am so blessed to have not only known him but been loved by him. Teny, It's been 10 months since my husband, Dick, died and I'm just beginning to think about the good times in our 10 years together. The first few months were a nightmare of guilt, regrets, and relieving the last few months of his life. It will ease up! God bless, Benita

Hi William, It's so unbelievably hard to go through the death of a loved one - a spouse...and I think it makes it quadrupally (sp?) hard to try to go through it alone.!!!...and on top of that having a mental illness and not having support ---- I don't know if I could do it! I had and have my grown daughter to be with, I have a Bible study I go to and I have a few 'long-distance-telephone' friends...and that has made all the difference. I agree with Karen, when she talked about how support is so needed at this time... and being a hermit makes it worse, too. Know that we care about you, William, and be careful who you "latch" onto - many people will often take advantage!! And right now we're all particulary vulnerable. I'll continue to pray for you...I believe God loves us very much regardless of the circumstances and I also strongly believe that God answers prayer. God bless, Benita

Hi Kay, I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry for George being gone and I'm sorry you have to go through this grief. It's been 10 months for me - and, although the pain is not as frequent, I still miss him so much. He too was a very special man..full of love and compassion for others, full of interest and happiness and joy...everyone always felt good being around him - he always had something good to say to and about everyone. Hewas the best and dearest and safest man and person I ever knew. I miss you so much, my sweetheart. Benita

Dear Walt, I can so understand what you're saying...did my husband REALLY know how much I loved him...how much he meant to me...how much I cared?....those have been some of the haunting questions I've cried over these last 10 months. The other night I had a dream that definately helped! I dreamt that Dick and I were walking side by side and I turned to him and earnestly said "I REALLY love you!" He just very nonchalantly said "I know." I believe your Jeannie knows too! God bless you, Walt. Benita

Dear Kay, I prayed for you and will continue to ask God to bring comfort to you, hold you in His loving embrace and help you through the week. I know He will!! Love, Benita

Hi Karen, I lost my husband in August of 2006 - I still love him, as well. The sadness comes and goes, the tears come and go, and the memories come and go. I can so relate to your burden and I'm so sorry any of us have to go through this. One of the things I recently realized, that seemed to be a positive realization, is that I've been wanting and waiting for the pain to "go away forever" and without consciously being aware of it, wanting to go back to the way I felt when Dick was alive. When I finally accepted that I can't go back to the way I felt, the way I was, the life I had, but that he would always be in my heart and in my thoughts and there would always be tears and missing him, it eased my feelings of despair and allowed me to accept the sadness that would occassionally come up for the rest of my life. We can't just erase our loves from our minds and hearts - they will always be with us. Now, thank God, good memories are surfacing almost as often as the sad ones. It's been said "Life is a process"...I might add, so is death. Blessings to you, Benita

Hi Haley, It's so hard losing someone you love dearly and the feelings and desires we have after the loss, I believe, are basically normal. My husband died August 24 and I miss him so much. For a while it didn't feel like life was worth living and I wanted him to come back and tell me he was ok, or talk to me or SOMETHING...I've had dreams of him, but nothing spectacular, like I'd like. Part of my comfort is knowing he is in heaven having a *wonderful* time, in a healthy, energetic body, smiling and laughing and doing whatever it is God wants him to do. That's so much better than how he felt during his last year here on earth. He'll always be part of my life - I'll always love and appreciate him - he'll never completely go away, 'cuz he'll never go away from my mind and heart. As time passes, it does get easier - and I swear there were times when I could not believe that. It's been 7 months now, and it does get easier - less incredibly painful, and more hopeful. God bless and comfort you - and keep coming back to this site - it's so loving and warm and healing! Benita

Dear Walt, I'm so sorry for your incredible pain...please know that you are in my prayers and in my thoughts - and my cyber-space arms are hugging you now and all this week.! Benita

Dear Jane, It feels like the hardest thing in the world to lose your spouse - and 'rejection' from so-called friends (or family) afterward just makes the clouds darker. What I thought of when I read 'your friend's' reply to your soul-baring disclosure is that SHE can't handle it - it has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with HER - and her apparent selfishness and callousness. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People are weird sometimes, arent they? My husband of 10 years had 5 grown children and 15 grandchildren when he died in August, and I haven't heard from ONE of them, except through an attorney the middle daughter hired because she was under the impression that he had money that went to me that should have gone to them. The daughters were around when he died and one of them was asking me - a couple of hours before he died - what funeral arrangements I had made...I wasn't even thinking straight, never mind thinking about a funeral. They went ahead and had a funeral (I let them get some of his ashes) in their home-town and b asically sent me the message that I wouldn't be comfortable attending because my husband's youngest son would be there and he and my husband and I were estranged. I still find that whole situation unbelievable! His youngest son, with whom he had been estranged for about 8 years, wouldn't even say ANYTHING on the phone to his father the day he died...and my husband was in a coma, so there would have been no respone. One of the sisters called the son to let him know their dad didn't have long left and would he please say something to him on the phone - his reply was 'no'. How cold-hearted can a person be? I sure learned a lesson from all of that...people can do the meanest, most heartless things you can possibly imagine - and none of this was about me, it was all about their selfishness and callousness. I know that to be true, because we all got along fine while Dick was alive. I hope this mini-novel has helped somewhat. Just remember, the people who are truly kind and loving and considerate will NOT treat you this way - and you're better off without the 'mean' ones in your life! Love, Benita

Hi everyone, I went to my grief recovery group last night and left before it was over...and screamed, sobbed, yelled and carried on like a maniac on the drive home and parked down the street of my house and carried on some more, before I came home. I didn't want to get into a conversation about it with my daughter - I didn't feel like talking..I just wanted to go to sleep. I think what got me into such a state last night was the two main topics on the video and in the discussion afterward...guilt and suicide. Not often, but every once in a while, I feel like there's no reason to go on. My husband is gone and I don't know what to do with my life. I'm just so unhappy and I get to thinking so negatively. I, deep down inside - never admitting to anyone- feel I'm too old to start a new life. And then I feel guilty 'cuz God has given me so much...a wonderful daughter, a warm home, a new little car, a fabulous little dog, my health, friends ( with whom I don't stay in touch), an Alaskan cruise coming in May, and mostly His love, promises and plans for a new life. I just get so depressed sometimes, I can hardly stand it. I also feel guilty for not being as kind, patient, loving and understanding with my husband during his last few monoths of life. Anyway, I just wanted to 'put it out there'...I don't feel very strong or courageous at all right now. It's been 7 months since he died - and I still can't believe it. Love to all, Benita

Dear Ellejaye, I am so very sorry for you in the loss o f your love. The pain, the confusion, the numbness, feelings of hopelessness - all of the emotions and thoughts and despair you shared about - I believe we all, on this forum have and still are, experiencing. Even though circumstances are different, our pain is there. I lost my husband August 24 and thought I was coming out of the devestating grief, but I think a lot of what I was doing was just trying to bury my feelings. I started a grief recovery group last Monday and this past week has been very hard!!...I guess Valentines Day didn't help either. One of the comments made at the group that has stayed with me this week has to do with going 'through' the pain and not attempting to run from it or pretend we don't have it. This is a place where I can safely share all the pain and confusion i have. This forum has been a loving and compassionate support for me - and I'm sure it will be for you, too. You sound like a loving, caring and understanding woman - please treat yourself as you would a hurting friend, and be loving, caring and understanding toward yourself. This is a journey none of us would consciously choose, but as long as we're on it, we CAN help eachother through it! Love and hugs and prayers, Benita

Dear Janine, Thank you for that beautiful letter your husband wrote. So very understanding and empathic...loving and helpful. Thank you for sharing it with us! Love, Benita

Dear Maylissa, What a beautiful response...thank you for that! Love, Benita

Hi all, I haven't posted on this particular site until now. My husband died August 24, and I've been posting under the 'other headings'...but now, unfortunately, I need to post here. My most adorable, sweet and precious "momma-Kat" died one week ago. I had her for 16 years and I've NEVER know a more affectionate and lovable 'girl' than her. She would cuddle and talk to me and snuggle with me and give me kisses - I loved her so much!!...and my husband, Dick, fell in love with her too and her with him. She always slept on his lap - during his naps and at night. Anyway, while I was away with my daughter for a couple of days, our friend was staying at our house to take care of my daughter's two dogs and sleep with Momma-Kat - 'cuz she would get lonely all by herself. We got a call from Katrina on Saturday saying MK was very sick and not moving...I told her to take her to the vet - the vet called me and said he didn't think she would last the day. She had cancer all inside her - so I asked him to put her to sleep, as I didn't want her to suffer. I cried the entire drive home - about 8 hours. I've been praying to please be able to see 'Momma' one more time, and last night I dreamt that I was driving a open car and this HUGE, black cat(momma was tiny, tiny - and black), came and jumped on my lap and started snuggling, giving me kisses and talking to me. Then I noticed her tag and it said "This cat is street-trained"...and I knew that meant she was taking care of and looking over other animals now - and I also knew that not many cats got that privelege, but she did because she was sooooo kind andloving!!! Then she jumped off my lap and took off, as if she had work to do!! (I think she was so huge because now she was eating more and her body was healthier). I'd always thought that when animals go to heaven, they're companions - just like they were here. I never thought they actually "worked"...but now I know differently. Maybe momma is a 'guardian cat' now. This dream gave me so much peace and pleasure, and I wanted to share it with other furry-kids moms and dads. Love and heart-peace to all, Benita

Hi Deborah, Thank you for your good wishes! I'm home tonight watching 'religious' Christmas programming and was able to put out a picture of Dick and when I look at it NOT get hysterical... I wish you peace and comfort during this season. Love, Benita

Dear Everyone, Your posts touched my heart. I especially wanted to say that we SHOULD NOT feel guilty for being down at this christmas season. Even my daughter, whom I dearly love and who lost her husband unexpectedly about three years ago, laughingly said I was a "bah-humbug" this year. It hurt my feelings - then later, when I thought about it, I realized it was just that SHE was so uncomfortable and really wants her mom to be happy. Later I had a little talk with her and just explained that I was sorry I was not being joyful and 'christmassy', but this is the first Christmas without Dick and I'm very, very sad - and I think it's ok for me to not be joyful and feel like celebrating. She understood and we hugged. It's not only hard for us - it's hard for friends and family, as well. I'm not even going to see my mom and sister tomorrow - Christmas - 'cuz I don't want to go anywhere. I'm NOT going to spend it in bed, though...I 'm determined to start thinking of the good in my life and the good that was in the wonderful man I was married to. I truly believe he is in a better place, and that has been helping! Love to you all, Benita

Thank you Amanda. I hope your christmas is as 'merry' as it can be, as well. I'm working (and it IS work) on focussing on the real meaning of Christmas and working on the good memories I have of Dick - and working on seeing him in a happy, painless, place. The other night as I was going to sleep, I saw him in my imagination (without actually trying), walking away from me - he turned his head to smile back at me and so much light was flowing out of his face, I could barely see it. It was very nice - maybe a sweet, loving message from him and God. Love, Benita

Oh Derek, - I can so relate to how you're feeling. I've been in "the pits" for weeks now...haven't posted much and have stayed in bed for days on end. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone, talk to anyone...it's worse, instead of better (I've said THAT before). I talked to a friend today and she had me promise to do ONE thing that will help me, every week. I said I could agree to that. I feel like I'm just rolling around in self-pity. Am I just taking advantage of my circumstances to be miserable? I swear I feel like I should be committed somewhere and just allowed to sit and stare!! I've never been so depressed in my life! Yesterday I finally was able to see a pastor at a Christian church (I've not been to), who is also a counselor. He was wonderful. He basically gave me some understanding, bible verses, and some glimpses of heaven (in the bible)...gave me the homework of reading Psalm 91 everyday. He also said to wake up to a schedule on a daily basis. ...so what did I do today?...I basically stayed in bed. God bless us all and heal our hearts... Love, Benita

Dear Sadinsc, I, too, am so sorry for your loss - and to compound that - your feelings of betrayel. The thing that immediately came into my mind when I read your post and her diagnosis, was that she was 'ill'. We are able to excuse a lot when someone is physically ill - we must try to excuse a lot if someone is mentally/emotionally ill. It would seem to me that her being with someone else had less to do with YOU and more to do with HER - and her illness...still, it is nevertheless, extremely painful to be going through what you're going through and I'm very sorry for that. Keep coming back to this site - where many caring people are! Love, Benita

Hi Dusky, Thank you so much for sharing such sweet correspondence, and the heart-wrenching poem and your picture of Jack. What a handsome man - and so young. My heart breaks for you and for me - love is so beautiful and fulfilling, and when it's snatched from us, it's so painful..like no other pain I've ever known. My Dick was not a handsome man on the outside, and he wasn't young,he had such a youthful and fun-filled spirt and so much beauty on the inside...his kindness, consideration, friendliness ahd love and interest for other people. He taught me a lot - like you say Jack taught you...maybe that's the ultimate gift of love - becoming a better person because of the person you loved and were priveleged to have love you in return. Thanks Dusky, Love, Benita

Oh Derek, It is so hard during the holidays - you're being so brave putting one foot in front of the other. I'm just NOT listening to x-mas songs, or getting caught up in the shopping and whirlwind of xmas - every time I start to get sad about Dick and I nothaving x-mas together, I try to think of the real reason for x-mas and become thankful that Jesus was born and has given me his love and so many blessings, they are too numerous to count. Now I want to start doing what you're doing with Karen - seeing Dick in Heaven with Jesus, celebrating his birth. Oh, what a glorious time that will be and is now!! God bless, Derek, Love, Benita

Dear Derek, Ustwo and Larry's girl, Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I know it was a lot to read, but sometimes I don't' write *anything* as it's happening, then it all lets loose! Sounds like you had a bad day, Derek, - I'm sorry for that, but I do appreciate your prayers...and yes, I need to remember to turn it ALL over to God!!!...nothing I can really do about it anyway, huh? Thanks again, all of you, for your dear and loving understanding...and yes, I'm GOING to bed!! Love you all, Benita

Hi everyone, I've been at my sister's for almost a week - she got really sick and I was very concerned about her and wanted to be there to help my mom - who is 89 - also. Well yesterday, she (my sister) started a fight with me...from MY perspective I didn't engage in the fight, but I did stand up for myself. Anyway, I ended up leaving and I feel like I never want to speak to her again...she definitely can be quite a b---h. My mom was crying when I left - so that added to my sadness. Then, of course, whenever anything goes wrong the first person I want to run to is Dick - and he's not here, so I start bringing that into my mind and that helps me feel even worse. I ha ven't mentioned this before, but Dick's five grown children from his previous marriage (she died about a year or so before we got married) have hired an attorney and are wanting $350,000.00 from my husband's estate. I have NO idea where they came up with that amount of money or why they even think it's available. When their mother was alive, Dick and she had a trust - it's called an AB trust - and the living spouse is allowed to spend down the deceased partner's share to keep up their standard of living. Dick told me, after we got married, he wasn't going to leave anything to his kids - but that we were going to live a good and happy life together - it included a trip to Europe, a trip to Hawaii, a motor home and some small trips in that - nothing extravagent - but with a small income (0ur social securities) the money was spent down. After Dick died, his kids decided their mother wanted them to have her share of the trust (I don't even know how much it was) and that their dad misappropriated funds) - now they're after me! They're willing to settle for $150,000 - I don't even have that kind of money...but I have no idea where this is going..and it definitely adds to my grief, worry, stress and depression. I don't even have my own house - I'm living with my daughter - thank God for her. We sold our house with the intention of buying a mobile home to put on my daughter's property - and then he got sick, lingered for a while, and died. I came home last night, from my sister's, cried a few tears, but was ok. The;n this morning I thought I would have a nice day with my daughter and go to brunch. aA friend of mine called (I've been avoiding my friends calls), and we started going on and on about everything that's going on, including my husband's death - and I just started sobbing and haven't been able to stop I decided that's why I don't want to talk to anyone! Now all I want to do is go to bed - I'm exhausted!! Love, Benita

Hi Lauri, My husband died a little over three months ago and I think I was in shock for a few weeks - the blow was cushioned, although I cried a lot. Then, up until about two weeks ago, I didn't think I could stand it another minute. I was in such pain on such a consistent basis - I couldn't stop thinking and I would just wail and sob uncontrobally for hours and hours...instead of getting better it was getting worse. I started frantically looking around for a grief group or counselor - and couldn't find one. I went to the doctor on an unrelated condition, and while there we talked about it. She prescribed a doubled-up-dose of Nalproxin - an antidepressant - and for the first time in all this time I'm beginning to feel like I have a fighting chance. Before that I was drowning. It doesn't alter your perception of life - it isn't mood altering - it just gives you enought of a lift to grab on to the life boat! I still cry and tear up and sometimes get angry and pouty and screamy that he "left me"...but it's not that unbelievable pain - I don't even know how to describe...but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. In the meantime I did find a grief group I'm going to start and I found a Christian counselor I'm going to set up an appointment with - that will help me get a better perspective on where Dick is, purpose, God's love and caring and the future. I figure anything I can do to move through this and turn out to be a better person for it, the better off I (and everyone else ) is. The way it's b een so far is that I've been terribly selfish and self-absorbed and can't seem to think about anything but myself... I hope this helps - me AND you. Love, Benita

Hi Dear Kay, I know exactly wht you're talking about. I don't feel like celebrating X-mas either. My friends want me to come over, my daughter wants me to stay with her and my mom and sister want me to come over. I came up with the best decision - one that I was really looking forward to. There's a retreat center about 1/2 hour away - it-s on 600+ acres - and they have some guided retreats and some personal retreats. They have rooms with baths and a communal kitchen. When I called about getting something for X-mas eve and Xmas day, all they had was a room...$40.00 per night, and no TV. All I wanted to do was go up there by myself, with my Bible, my positive tapes and CD's, my own food, and my Christian books...read, meditate, walk, pray....... When I told my daughter she got very hurt - she informed me that she will only be spending probebly 20 minutes with her stepkids and grandson, 'cuz they have so many places to go!!..so we decided to get bagels and lox for X-mas morning and buy a ready=made turkey dinner for the day and night and the two of us just chill at home. I'll go visit my mom and sister X-mas eve, open a few little presents and come home. Then Kim and I will have a quiet xmas at home...I'm not up to lots of people and parties - not even up to shopping. I'm doing the bare minimum this year. The day after Xmas I made reservations for my daughter and I to go to Cambria for a few days - it's a darling, quiet, and sweet little town up in Northern California. That will be very nice and it's my xmas present to my daughter. So I guess, basically, I 'm going to really try to focus on WHAT Xmas is really all about - the birth of Jesus Christ - and I can be prayerful and meditative and thankful on that aspect throughout the holidays and not get into the mustic and laughter and mad shopping and parties...I think that's ok...it feels really good to me. I just miss Dick too much for so much of an onslaught of reminders. Love, Benita