Cookie

I do too, Gwen....was trying to hard to be social and make connections before this (which was a gargantuan task then) and now back to square A it seems....

I think is the same old thing....people don't want to see us, and, yes, it makes it so much more isolating....

Meant to share with you all that I am still in the same place. Still cleaning houses twice a week (well, that's changed a little bit now). Still hiking, doing yoga. Have had several male friends over the last couple of years; I call them my hiking buddies. Nice people, but no sparks. Sad about that. Would love to meet someone for companionship, but find that John is too big a presence in my heart, mind and soul for me to move on to that. How about everyone else? I have reached a balanced place at times, but still grieving, just compartmentalizing it a lot. He is still everywhere I go here in this house he built. At one time I thought I had to move, but now am feeling at peace here more. Although, this morning went out and looked at the rhododendrons blooming a beautiful purple and it broke my heart thinking of how he would love to be here working on this land he loved. I think the difference now is that although I have this deep pain still, I can also appreciate the beauty and not have to look away like I used to. Hope all are well...hugs, Cookie

Will try to get back more. Do miss you guys--the only ones who really understand. Just been missing in action, the action of trying to stay sane and balanced. Yes, he is a big baby with unbelievable energy, which has been really good for me and something to love on....Cookie

Hello everyone....this is Cookie from long ago. This is my sweetie, Rio. He is a goofball, as you can probably tell. He is so loveable. This shelter at home thing is really hard, but thankful to have Rio to walk, etc. Hope all are well.

Marg: Sounds like you have more than your share of challenging things...thanks for sharing so openly. I did start the Prozac, 5 mg, and by the seventh day couldn't tolerate it anymore. The very thing I was taking it for, anxiety, was terribly heightened, I felt restless, couldn't think straight, so had to go off of it. Obviously, I am sensitive to it. Doc said to wait a week and we would try something else. A little nervous, as that was terrible. I just want a break from this unrelenting anxiety I've had since the day my husband died. I will try one other; hope something works. I'm pretty med-sensitive, though. I'll let you know what happens.....hugs, Cookie

Thanks, Gwen....your words are shuch a comfort. I talked to the doctor about withdrawal from the med, and she said it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure I believe that, but am going forward anyway because I don't know what else to do....got to give it all a try. I agree with you about the constant ripples/triggers. They never end, do they? Fondly, Cookie

Gwen: My baby's name is Rio....he's such a love bunny now. The med I started in Prozac, small dose, mainly to address the constant anxiety I haven't been able to shake and I'm so tired. The moving thing will have to happen just because I can't afford to keep this place up....$300 a month just for property maintenance. It's a beautiful spot, my husband built the house. If I could figure out a way......anyway, it's a way's off, a year, maybe two. Don't have any idea what comes next, just trying to find any way to stay sane. Thanks for your input, Gwen....hugs, Cookie

Oh you guys, that is exactly what I have been living with for almost 4 years since the day John died....that anxiety and the way you describe it sounds exactly like what I feel. There is such comfort in hearing that you are not the only one, although, I am not happy it's happening to anyone else. It has driven me to try an antidepressant, something I said I would never do. I'm just so tired of it. It's exhausting; feels like it's sapping the life out of me, and it's not something you can explain easily to anyone else unless they've experienced it. I tried to share with a friend and she said she was surprised, that I always seemed to upbeat and engaged (imagine that!). I ended up feeling like such a failure when I had to admit that I was not. Failure at grief....F-.......I know, everyone will say you can't fail grief, but why do I feel like I have anyway.....hugs to all, Cookie

Ana: what you said here really spoke to me. It will be 4 years in June, and I am now starting an antidepressant because I am so tired of the constant anxiety and then depression/sorrow I've experienced since the day he died. I've tried everything to combat it. I also don't feel happy and would love to find my way back, but would take just some peace. It's so hard to realize this far down the line that it might not get "better" like everyone said it would--grief books and groups. I guess some people find someone else and that helps a great deal because I find what is a soul killer to me is the loss of the close connection with another (but that particular another), which is not so simple to replicate, but I hear all the time of people finding others to create that with. I guess it's not in the cards for me......although I would like it, I can't imagine who I could get that close to again and comfortable with. The idea of dating sounds very stressful.....anyway, hugs to you, Cookie

The best of luck to you, Darrel....Cookie

It's inspiring that the moving idea is bringing some comfort to you guys, Darrel and Kevin. I think I will be doing that by next year. It will be 4 years since John died in this house in our bed in June, and I just haven't been able to get past it. I will have to sell this little piece of heaven in North Carolina in the mountains, but it's a big property and is stressful to maintain anyway. Don't have any idea where I will go yet, but think a change could be helpful. I finally bit the bullet and started an antidepressant, something I said I would never do. Just haven't been able to shake the anxiety I've had since the day John died. It's a small dose of Prozac and I'm really hoping it helps. It's worth a try. I know I will never get over losing John, but hope for some peace.....Cookie

Kayc: I am loving Rio. I think the problem with me is that I can't shake the sorrow of doing this without John. It's ridiculous. Wish I could just accept that he's gone and move on. I swear this hurts almost more then it ever did and I find myself getting this hopeless feeling of it never changing. Really tired of the sorrow and depressed feelings about life. Haven't ever been able to get back to a contented place. Such despair sometimes. But, Rio is a cutie and very loving. He's going to be neutered next week at 6 months and I'm terribly nervous about it. Hope it doesn't scare him to death. He's made so much progress from the scaredy puppy he started out as. Thanks for sharing....Cookie

I've been reading all the posts. Our Hospice experience was one of the bad ones. It started out good. They came and assured us that they could take good care of John, manage his pain, etc. and were just a phone call away. Well, nothing worked that way. They couldn't manage his pain, only tried a few medicines and were not open to any suggestions from me. I was doing a lot of research and found a lot of information about combination pain meds, etc. I ended up feeling like I was always fighting with them. The nurse was totally rigid. Anyway, John suffered quite a bit as a result. They ended up telling me that they had never had a throat cancer case and didn't quite know what to do, and they sure as heck weren't going to take any suggestions from me. They never came when I called. Several times John was choking and I called and they got there anywhere from 5 to 7 hours later due to being tied up with another case. They ended up saying the only solution was to have him in the hospital (where he did not want to be; that's why we were on Hospice). When he died, they never came for bereavement or the meds. I had to bag them up and take them to the facility. I ended up calling another Hospice a county over that I had not known was there before. Their chaplain came right away and he was quite a comfort. I wish I had known to call them earlier. I was so angry for so long. John was so trusting of them until they totally failed him and it was so sad. It made me afraid of Hospice. Don't know what I'll do if I get terminal something....Cookie

Thanks, Gwen. Yes, I love Rio but sometimes don't want him (oh, I hate admitting that). I think I made too quick a decision too. I am also feeling scared and think I was trying to recreate what I had with John and the dogs. Poor Rio can't measure up to the other dogs. I do love him and am doing my best. Wish I had known I would feel this way. Thanks so much for sharing....fondly, Cookie

Yes, you put that very well...the grey zone. People really think I should be doing better after 3 and 1/2 years. I got a puppy and that is also supposed to have cured me. It's almost like they are saying, you got a puppy, you should be happy. I love him but am still struggling over losing John and truthfully getting the puppy triggered a lot of grief I wasn't expecting. Don't understand it either, and it leaves me depressed because I wish I could make some sense of this or just know what was wrong with me and fix it.....Cookie

Oh, my heart goes out to you, Kieron. I certainly hope that your partner being a man was not the reason, but I also had a horrible Hospice experience with my husband, John. They were very nonresponsive and he suffered a lot. I wish I had raised a ruckus after he died, but I was so angry and hurt and didn't have the energy. I feel so bad that you all had to go through that. What is wrong with people (I wonder sometimes). I can't wrap my head around it. But, those experiences, I think, make it harder to get peace and comfort because they leave a horrible taste in your mouth and heart. Hugs to you, Cookie

You know, Karen, we had a similar experience with Hospice when John died. They were never available and it could take them all day to get here if I called. I was so angry at the end. They didn't even provide bereavement care after he died. I ended up calling another Hospice in a neighboring town, who were very responsive and came right away. I live in a very small community in the mountains, but still.....I understand your anger. You want your loved one to get the best of care when they are suffering....hugs to you, Cookie

Same to you, Gin. Yes, I feel invisible a lot. I have also done all the clubs. Seems like everyone is connected and I'm on the outside looking in. It's my fault. I was not in any of these groups before John died. Just wanted to spend my time with him. These other people have formed long-time connections and it's hard to break into that. Hope things go well for you too. Cookie

I am not liking myself anymore. It seems that 3 and 1/2 years out instead of coming to some kind of peace about losing John, I'm moving more toward anger, resentment, jealousy of others....hate it, but that's what is happening. I'm trying really hard to be positive, loving, etc., but these little devil feelings keep coming up. So tired of all of this. I have tried everything to move on and nothing is taking. Didn't know this was going to change me into someone I wouldn't like. Was wondering if anyone else has had these feelings or am I the only one....does it pass. Oh God, I hope so. I don't want to live like this.....Cookie

I also have the great sadness more now than in the beginning. It morphs into anxiety or depression....don't know why that happens. Wish I could move forward better. Want to enjoy life but it just doesn't come. I do enjoy moments but the sorrow always comes right back and it is very heavy....trying to ignore Valentine's day....very hurtful watching ads with all the couples. Hugs to you all.....Cookie

It's always a comfort of some sort to hear someone else name what you feel and feel so alone in. You did that by saying 5 years was worse still. It's been 3 and 1/2 for me and I feel like I'm dying. I keep thinking I will. Can't imagine what is keeping me alive. I have stress up the whazoo, am depressed a lot, lots of anxiety; my eating and drinking habits have gotten worse...what is keeping me here where I don't really want to be. There must be some hope in there that I don't see or feel. I am so tired of missing, feeling alone, dying to be touched with love, on and on....I think I've been in no man's land for 3 and 1/2 years....Cookie

Yes, I try to take it one day at a time still, but still struggle with isolation and feeling so alone. Hate to think of a future with just this in it. There is no guidebook for how to go forward so many years, so you end of wishing those years to be short, something I would have never wished for when John was here...I wished to live forever then.....Cookie

I'm exactly the same. My problem is I'm tired of hearing about about joyful life is for others who have their husbands to travel with, grandkids to play with, etc. After 3 and 1/2 years, it still only makes me sad and feeling alone. I wish I could derive joy from someone's else's. Hate admitting it. I just miss him so much all the time and it feels like I'm doomed to a life of feeling left out and alone, lonely.....

scba: Thanks for sharing that....makes me feel not so alone in my thinking. I also feel like he can't possibly be better off, although, that is what everyone says and then I feel guilty for not agreeing with that; and, if I think he might be better off, I feel terrible thinking that he could be better off without me! No-win situation....hugs, Cookie