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Cookie

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Posts posted by Cookie

  1. On 4/20/2020 at 4:31 PM, Gwenivere said:

    You make an excellent point.  I’ve found a couple obscure things about people alone and keeping up phone, video and mail contact.  But all the headlines and shows like Fallon and Kimmel are from home with thier families.  The news always talks about creative ways to spend the time with your family.  New things to try like recipes, games, backyard sports.  Takes participants.  How parents are going nuts having to be working and teachers at the same time.  I’m very sure that is a major challenge, but on this side of the fence, it looks preferable than this deafening silence and not one single human being to be close to.  

    And yes, silence can be deafening.  Yes the dogs bark, the phone rings, the TV drones on.  But that isn’t the sound of life created by someone being here to interact with or hear doing things.  Even hearing Steve on the phone to his buddies was a voice.  Sometimes I curse he was a musician.  Hearing him practice or his buddies here making music.  

    I miss my neighbors of over a decade.  Seeing them doing stuff and thier dogs coming every day for treats to my door.  

    Life.  I miss life.  

    I do too, Gwen....was trying to hard to be social and make connections before this (which was a gargantuan task then) and now back to square A it seems....

    • Like 2
  2. On 4/20/2020 at 7:06 AM, kayc said:

    You know what I noticed?  All the news articles are on COUPLES or FAMILIES.  I haven't seen them do one article on someone widowed and living alone.  Why, are we too depressing, hopeless?  It kind of makes me mad because it's not a fair sampling of what's out there.

    I think is the same old thing....people don't want to see us, and, yes, it makes it so much more isolating....

    • Like 3
  3. Meant to share with you all that I am still in the same place.  Still cleaning houses twice a week (well, that's changed a little bit now).  Still hiking, doing yoga.  Have had several male friends over the last couple of years; I call them my hiking buddies.  Nice people, but no sparks.  Sad about that.  Would love to meet someone for companionship, but find that John is too big a presence in my heart, mind and soul for me to move on to that.  How about everyone else?  I have reached a balanced place at times, but still grieving, just compartmentalizing it a lot.  He is still everywhere I go here in this house he built.  At one time I thought I had to move, but now am feeling at peace here more.  Although, this morning went out and looked at the rhododendrons blooming a beautiful purple and it broke my heart thinking of how he would love to be here working on this land he loved. I think the difference now is that although I have this deep pain still, I can also appreciate the beauty and not have to look away like I used to.  Hope all are well...hugs, Cookie

    • Like 4
  4. On 4/12/2019 at 2:05 PM, Marg M said:

    Cookie, I have the diagnosis of "chronic depression" and I thought I might have made my kids inherit bipolar from me.  I used to study this mental stuff trying to understand bipolar, knew it was what my dad had, so I guess I did pass it down to them.  Both are brilliant and talented, but there is something that gets in the way, guess it is just the difference between the manic phase and the depressive phase.  I remember my dad looking at the sky and saying the color some days was blue and other days just a dull gray.  At the time I did not understand, but my son, who he was talking to, he understood.  My chronic depression was covered pretty easily by an antidepressant Prozac, which I took for probably 15 years.  One time during a dream I bit Billy on the back.  Yes, it sounds funny in the telling, shocked the heck out of him.  I remember the vivid dream I was having and was losing a fight so I bit that person on the leg only to wake up with "Marg, what are you doing???"  Scared me too.  But it was still funny and is a comic legend in our family.  My doc cut me down on the Prozac as she thought it might  have had something to do with this.  Now, my long time psychiatrist was a true bipolar person also, so I felt very safe taking her advice.  I had no ill effects from the Prozac for so long except a complete lack of feelings of happiness, sadness, enjoyment, I was just a robot that did not cry.  I'm sure I took it too long.  We tried other ones, but it was the best for me.  They have come out with some better ones, I understand, I hope.  The blunted feelings I hated.  But, that was not depression, or was it?  They do not make everyone feel the same.  I cannot take anything but the Xanax now, because of the radiation destroyed tissue on my inside of my body (won't hold a stitch or glue), cannot be removed since the colon rupture.  At least I don't have to go for any more colonoscopies or GYN exams.  Some good things happened for a bad thing that would only be made worse.  

    My schedule runs like this: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, take granddaughter to school.  She is still afraid to even attempt to drive, so Wednesday  we go to the big city to her counselor.  Then I have Friday free, if I have taken care of the business things I have to take my sister to, groceries, cigarettes, the essentials.  A widow who lives in the apartments asked if I had ever felt Billy's presence.  I have before, but I think I sent it away because it scared me.  Billy was never superstitious and would not want to scare me.  I am not strong mentally or physically.  I hurt in too many places to complain about.  They cannot fix me anyhow.  When I sit down for any period of time, I have to just stand still for a minute or two.  I'm okay once I get over the hurting initially, then if I can keep going.  Doc wanted to check my blood work.  Why?  I cannot take any more pills.  I will keep running until that white light comes on showing I'm out of gasoline.  Then someone else will have to do what I do.  I don't think I will worry by then.

    Word salads are sometimes what mental patients do with words, lots of words, sometimes makes no sense whatsoever, but I get "carried away."

     

    Marg:  Sounds like you have more than your share of challenging things...thanks for sharing so openly.  I did start the Prozac, 5 mg, and by the seventh day couldn't tolerate it anymore.  The very thing I was taking it for, anxiety, was terribly heightened, I felt restless, couldn't think straight, so had to go off of it.  Obviously, I am sensitive to it.  Doc said to wait a week and we would try something else.  A little nervous, as that was terrible.  I just want a break from this unrelenting anxiety I've had since the day my husband died.  I will try one other; hope something works.  I'm pretty med-sensitive, though.  I'll let you know what happens.....hugs, Cookie

    • Like 3
  5. On 4/10/2019 at 10:47 PM, Gwenivere said:

    You didn’t fail anything, Cookie.  Deep down I am hoping you know that.  I’m into year 5 and have ditched anything told to me by outsiders.  That’s the only good that has come from this.  I take antidepressants too, but did before he left.  They may help you at least make sense of the jumbled thinking.  They won’t cure the grief of course.  I was once told they don’t give out badges for suffering.  You can always change your mind on the meds and ditch them.  I wish they worked faster, but it takes weeks to know.  Maybe look at it as a tool, option and think if is it worth trying.  You’re not committed to anything.  I, personally, don’t think mine are doing a damn thing now, but I’ve been on them for years, it would be hell to get off and I might find I feel worse.  So I just take them and push on.  Last thing I need is withdrawl.  Do look into that would be my recommendation.  Weigh the possible pros and cons.  But I must reiterate this again.....cover your ears....

    YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!  YOU ARE GRIEVING THE LOVE Of YOUR LIFE!   

    Oh, and I’ve been told how well I am doing too. HA!  They don’t see me when I’m alone.  My counselors know the real me I have become.  That adds to the loneliness when people think that all this time has worked some magic.  I was just at the grocery store and put several things back because I knew I couldn’t use them in time before going bad.  The ripples are endless.

    Thanks, Gwen....your words are shuch a comfort.  I talked to the doctor about withdrawal from the med, and she said it wouldn't be a problem.  I'm not sure I believe that, but am going forward anyway because I don't know what else to do....got to give it all a try.  I agree with you about the constant ripples/triggers.  They never end, do they?  Fondly, Cookie

  6. On 4/10/2019 at 10:52 PM, Gwenivere said:

    Oh, you started the med. I answered you in another topic.  Anyway, moving is a big stressor indeed.  Brat went thru it too.  Pros and cons to all decisions.  You’ve had 4 years to think on it.  Your heart will guide you.  It’s just dangerous to make that kind of decision in the first couple years.  Whatever you do, you know we’re all here for you.  How’s you fur baby?  I forget his name, so sorry.  Hugs to you.  🦋

    Gwen:  My baby's name is Rio....he's such a love bunny now.  The med I started in Prozac, small dose, mainly to address the constant anxiety I haven't been able to shake and I'm so tired.  The moving thing will have to happen just because I can't afford to keep this place up....$300 a month just for property maintenance.  It's a beautiful spot, my husband built the house.  If I could figure out a way......anyway, it's a way's off, a year, maybe two.  Don't have any idea what comes next, just trying to find any way to stay sane.  Thanks for your input, Gwen....hugs, Cookie

    • Like 1
  7. On 3/26/2019 at 4:55 PM, Gwenivere said:

    I can SO relate to that, Marg.  It’s quite the conundrum.  Having an anxiety attack today and feel both.  Don’t want to die, but not want to live like this either.  What I hate most about the attacks is my mind. Wants to attach them to something and will often grab some long ago bad time that means nothing now.  Amplify it and torment me with it.   Or, as it it did today, leaving my cell phone at home for a quick check at the PO for mail.  All the things that could go wrong and contact numbers on it.  Yesterday a social worker came by.  She’s nice and all, but when did my life change from friends and family to strangers?  Rhetorical, I kno w when it did.   We all do.

    Oh you guys, that is exactly what I have been living with for almost 4 years since the day John died....that anxiety and the way you describe it sounds exactly like what I feel.  There is such comfort in hearing that you are not the only one, although, I am not happy it's happening to anyone else.  It has driven me to try an antidepressant, something I said I would never do.  I'm just so tired of it.  It's exhausting; feels like it's sapping the life out of me, and it's not something you can explain easily to anyone else unless they've experienced it.  I tried to share with a friend and she said she was surprised, that I always seemed to upbeat and engaged (imagine that!).  I ended up feeling like such a failure when I had to admit that I was not.  Failure at grief....F-.......I know, everyone will say you can't fail grief, but why do I feel like I have anyway.....hugs to all, Cookie

    • Like 4
  8. On 3/29/2019 at 9:51 AM, scba said:

    Hello Johnny,

    I´m very sorry for your loss, and glad you find your way till this forum, which is of tremendous help. There are no judgment here, nor a race to see who is doing better. In fact, what´s a good grief? 

    We are all strong, IN SPITE OF the personal tragedy we are all enduring and coping with. 

    I´m strong but not for conviction, rather than survival necessity. I never asked nor wanted to be who I am today. I didn`t need this in order to learn life lessons. So, when non-mourners tell me "you`re strong" it feels like a stone medal. My inner "me" is silently saying "who cares? I couldn`t care less if I`m strong, I lost the love of my life! I don`t want to be strong, I want him back!".

    My problem is that I´m very much aware about what caused this present time. 5 years later I struggle with this new life, this new me, and a supposed legacy from him which I cannot feel nor see. I`m not wiser, though it feels like I have been chosen to be revealed "the other side of the coin".  I have experienced it all: living in hell, not wanting to live, emptiness, void, anxiety, hoplesness, profound sadness, lack of purpose, a pain that has no name, fear, panic, crying out of nowhere. 

    Yet, here I am. 

    I have never been happy again and of that too, I`m aware from time to time. In fact, I got used to live with unhapiness, and somehow it doesn`t hurt anymore as before. Maybe it`s brain fog, brain cheating, brain tricks.

    I made a math count, If I live till 80 y/o I would have spent more than 10 hundred days without him. At this figure, I´m oriented to believe in an eternal afterlife. That´s the only thing I could think of in terms of "repairing" what´s been done.

    Grief feels like crazy. 

    It´s not about that someone is dealing with grief better, we do what we can. Really. We all do. You do too. It takes one day at a time. The first two years are very, very hard. 

    Peace to you,

    Ana

    Ana: what you said here really spoke to me.  It will be 4 years in June, and I am now starting an antidepressant because I am so tired of the constant anxiety and then depression/sorrow I've experienced since the day he died.  I've tried everything to combat it.  I also don't feel happy and would love to find my way back, but would take just some peace.  It's so hard to realize this far down the line that it might not get "better" like everyone said it would--grief books and groups.  I guess some people find someone else and that helps a great deal because I find what is a soul killer to me is the loss of the close connection with another (but that particular another), which is not so simple to replicate, but I hear all the time of people finding others to create that with.  I guess it's not in the cards for me......although I would like it, I can't imagine who I could get that close to again and comfortable with.  The idea of dating sounds very stressful.....anyway, hugs to you, Cookie

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  9. On 4/8/2019 at 10:52 PM, olemisfit said:

    Thank you dear for your kind words. I'm sorry that your moves didn't work out well for you. You are right...we can't run away from ourselves. Later this month I will actually be moving back "home" (as in "home is where the heart is").  After I retired to be my wife's caregiver we moved from Okla. City to the Houston area, to get her to a milder winter climate. And because she loved being near the ocean. While she was still with me she loved it when I drove her down to Galveston island. I would park at her favorite place on Seawall Blvd. She loved to sit there and just watch the waves coming in. I'm looking forward so very much to when I am back down there. One of the first things on my agenda after I get back down there is to drive down to the island. Just me, my little dog, and my wife's urn reconnecting with the water. As Lawrence Welk would say...A-Wunnerful---A-Wunnerful!

    One foot in front of the other...

    Darrel

    The best of luck to you, Darrel....Cookie

    • Like 1
  10. It's inspiring that the moving idea is bringing some comfort to you guys, Darrel and Kevin.  I think I will be doing that by next year.  It will be 4 years since John died in this house in our bed in June, and I just haven't been able to get past it.  I will have to sell this little piece of heaven in North Carolina in the mountains, but it's a big property and is stressful to maintain anyway.  Don't have any idea where I will go yet, but think a change could be helpful.  I finally bit the bullet and started an antidepressant, something I said I would never do.  Just haven't been able to shake the anxiety I've had since the day John died.  It's a small dose of Prozac and I'm really hoping it helps.  It's worth a try.  I know I will never get over losing John, but hope for some peace.....Cookie

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  11. On 3/5/2019 at 3:24 PM, kayc said:

    Sometimes I think it's not the dog or their personality so much as it's the fact they weren't part of that shared history.  I hope in time you will grow to love Rio as much as the others, it has been that way for me and Arlie...and he is absolutely the opposite of Lucky, the dog George and I had together.  I understand, I've lost each and every pet George and I had together and some newer ones to boot!

    Kayc:  I am loving Rio.  I think the problem with me is that I can't shake the sorrow of doing this without John.  It's ridiculous.  Wish  I could just accept that he's gone and move on.  I swear this hurts almost more then it ever did and I find myself getting this hopeless feeling of it never changing.  Really tired of the sorrow and depressed feelings about life.  Haven't ever been able to get back to a contented place.  Such despair sometimes.  But, Rio is a cutie and very loving.  He's going to be neutered next week at 6 months and I'm terribly nervous about it.  Hope it doesn't scare him to death.  He's made so much progress from the scaredy puppy he started out as.  Thanks for sharing....Cookie

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  12. I've been reading all the posts.  Our Hospice experience was one of the bad ones.  It started out good.  They came and assured us that they could take good care of John, manage his pain, etc. and were just a phone call away.  Well, nothing worked that way.  They couldn't manage his pain, only tried a few medicines and were not open to any suggestions from me.  I was doing a lot of research and found a lot of information about combination pain meds, etc.  I ended up feeling like I was always fighting with them.  The nurse was totally rigid.  Anyway, John suffered quite a bit as a result.  They ended up telling me that they had never had a throat cancer case and didn't quite know what to do, and they sure as heck weren't going to take any  suggestions from me.  They never came when I called.  Several times John was choking and I called and they got there anywhere from 5 to 7 hours later due to being tied up with another case.  They ended up saying the only solution was to have him in the hospital (where he did not want to be; that's why we were on  Hospice).  When he died, they never came for bereavement or the meds.  I had to bag them up and take them to the facility.  I ended up calling another Hospice a county over that I had not known was there before.  Their chaplain came right away and he was quite a comfort.  I wish I had known to call them earlier.  I was so angry for so long.  John was so trusting of them until they totally failed him and it was so sad.  It made me afraid of Hospice.  Don't know what I'll do if I get terminal something....Cookie

    • Like 1
  13. On ‎02‎/‎20‎/‎2019 at 3:51 PM, Gwenivere said:

    I got another dog too, Cookie, after losing Steve and our golden.  Still ad our lab mix.  It was the work of dealing with a puppy at first, but the same thing happened.  It triggered th grief bigtime.  He wasn’t here for anyything from choosing her, watching her grow up and influencing her socially.  I also made a rush decision filling that void.  Now I see how I was never alone with our dogs.  It tears me up at times because I get scared with no back up for emergencies and just plain feeling a full family as that is what I’ve known for 30 years.  I almost hate to say it but I love her, but it isn’t the same and I feel bad about it.  Like I am cheating her in ways.  She’s also way too bonded to me an I am not used to that.  What your feeling makes perfect sense to me.

    As usual, just because we look normal does not mean we are.  I’ve never felt this bad and it’s 4 years.  Hugs to you.

    Thanks, Gwen.  Yes, I love Rio but sometimes don't want him (oh, I hate admitting that).  I think I made too quick a decision too.  I am also feeling scared and think I was trying to recreate what I had with John and the dogs.  Poor Rio can't measure up to the other dogs.  I do love him and am doing my best.  Wish I had known I would feel this way.  Thanks so much for sharing....fondly, Cookie

    • Upvote 1
  14. On ‎02‎/‎13‎/‎2019 at 2:02 PM, scba said:

    OMG that`s sooooo true!!!!! 

    -------------------

    Dear Cookie:

    You`re not alone in feeling this way.  

    I have always wondered what would imply: healing, improvement, getting better, being a better person. Somehow these imply going from dark to light. Perhaps we´ll always be in a "grey" "contradictory" zone?

    I have no answers. I`m still struggling with that and other notions.

     

    Yes, you put that very well...the grey zone.  People really think I should be doing better after 3 and 1/2 years.  I got a puppy and that is also supposed to have cured me.  It's almost like they are saying, you got a puppy, you should be happy.  I love him but am still struggling over losing John and truthfully getting the puppy triggered a lot of grief I wasn't expecting.  Don't understand it either, and it leaves me depressed because I wish I could make some sense of this or just know what was wrong with me and fix it.....Cookie

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  15. On ‎02‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 10:18 PM, Kieron said:

    For me, it will be 2 years on March 22.  My emotional states are at often at war with one another.  In the middle of all this heavy snow and extreme cold weather, I'm very glad that Mark no longer has to go out in it, and doesn't have to get up at 4:30 AM 3x per week for kidney dialysis and be driven many miles to his unit for treatment and back home later in the day, that I don't have to worry about him being stranded somewhere or in an accident on the highway, or slipping and falling on all this stupid ice, nor do I need worry about getting a call that he's been hospitalized, etc.  It's such a relief, but at the same time I am tired of this.  I am tired of him being gone.  What a strange sensation.  It even sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud.  But it's true.

    And like you, Cookie, i have the same emotions you described, as I hear from others how their loved one was placed into hospice prior to death.  We were never given that option.  Not one time did anyone propose that he enter hospice, not until the ICU doctor declared his quality of life to be zero.  THEN, hospice began.  I didn't even get to bring him home to die.  He would never have survived the trip.  Looking back, I can see the trend of his decline, and the social worker at that 'rehab' center (what a joke) utterly failed to recommend hospice.  He ended up deteriorating in early March and all she  really had to say was "Well,. he's not doing his rehab exercises in the physical therapy center of the residence, but we can't make him do it.  Blah blah blah."  And because I didn't know better, I didn't know what to do.  I remember him looking miserable when I sat in on one of his sessions in physical therapy.  He was just so over it, didn't care anymore, and I didn't know what to do.  When he ended up in ICU again after being basically allowed to deteriorate, and my requests for more intensive attention that last day before he was sent to ICU were met with responses like "I think you should just calm down" from the charge nurse... well, that's a whole other story that maybe I will tell some other time.  Essentially, he didn't enter hospice until 2 hours before we took him off life support.  It was a catastrophic FAILURE of the system across the board.  And now I'm running into people who say "Oh, my loved one entered hospice and it's so nice, so helpful, blah blah blah" and all I can do is smile and nod and wonder why in the bloody hell we never got that option.  Was it because we were 2 men?  Had I been his wife would my concerns been taken seriously?  Did they assume we had it all under control because we didn't really make a fuss?

    Well, let me tell you all,  I made a fuss, afterward.  i got that rehab facility nurse's license very nearly revoked or suspended.  At the very least he's on such thin ice with the State Board of Nursing that any additional missteps or complaints filed against him, the board will take that new complaint AND mine, and put them together and he will then be in very hot water.  The rehab facility was scared I'd sue them into the ground,  but by the time it was all over, I was too exhausted, and I knew it would never bring him back.  And I couldn't prove any malfeasance or malpractice.  Even the notes that I got from the rehab facility , which I had to pay for, show he just declined their interventions.  He was just over it all, just ready to check out, but couldn't seem to articulate this-- not even to me.  It makes me sick to think of it, now.

    So yes, resentment, anger, jealousy are all frequent companions.  Oh I get it.  Every time I think I have reached a bit of peace of mind, it all goes out the window eventually.  I replay the interaction with the charge nurse and wish I had called 911 myself.  Stuff like that.  I know it does no good, does me no good, but it's hard to move beyond it.  And I don't like the resentment I carry toward those unprofessional providers because that will end up hurting me more than it will them, but gosh it's hard to let go of.

    Oh, my heart goes out to you, Kieron.  I certainly hope that your partner being a man was not the reason, but I also had a horrible Hospice experience with my husband, John.  They were very nonresponsive and he suffered a lot.  I wish I had raised a ruckus after he died, but I was so angry and hurt and didn't have the energy.  I feel so bad that you all had to go through that.  What is wrong with people (I wonder sometimes).  I can't wrap my head around it.  But, those experiences, I think, make it harder to get peace and comfort because they leave a horrible taste in your mouth and heart.  Hugs to you, Cookie

  16. On ‎02‎/‎15‎/‎2019 at 2:32 PM, KarenK said:

    Marty,

    Hospice Of The Valley treated Ron with love and dignity and were responsible for transporting him home to breathe his last breath. Nurses stayed here with him round the clock through the end. I have only kind words for them.

    My daughter lived in a rural area. The Hospice in her area was probably understaffed for the large area they covered and definitely poorly trained. The nurse who visited most often did not even have a license, I found out later. It took them hours to arrive when called.  I was appalled to learn no one would be there to provide medical assistance during her final hours. Just "give us a call after she's gone and we'll call the funeral home for you."  I watched her die screaming and in convulsions,  an unimaginable horror and I was helpless to stop her torment. Therein lies my anger.

    Such different treatment from two organizations who should operate on the same principle.

    You know, Karen, we had a similar experience with Hospice when John died.  They were never available and it could take them all day to get here if I called.  I was so angry at the end.  They didn't even provide bereavement care after he died.  I ended up calling another Hospice in a neighboring town, who were very responsive and came right away.  I live in a very small community in the mountains, but still.....I understand your anger.  You want your loved one to get the best of care when they are suffering....hugs to you, Cookie

  17. On ‎02‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 4:10 PM, Gin said:

    Hi Cookie,

    It has been about the same time for me, also.  I have not found peace with this, either.  I keep trying things that do not work.  I joined a book club, knitting club, grief group, etc.  My biggest problem is the extreme loneliness.  I go to the health club 3-4 times a week.  Nothing.  Most of the time I am alone.  I do not see any good coming from this.  I feel useless and wish I could find something to give my life meaning.  I recently joined a Bible study group and that has been good.   Days go by when  I do not see any people.  I wish you well, Cookie and hope things start looking up.   Gin

    Same to you, Gin.  Yes, I feel invisible a lot.  I have also done all the clubs.  Seems like everyone is connected and I'm on the outside looking in.  It's my fault.  I was not in any of these groups before John died.  Just wanted to spend my time with him.  These other people have formed long-time connections and it's hard to break into that.  Hope things go well for you too.  Cookie

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  18. I am not liking myself anymore.  It seems that 3 and 1/2 years out instead of coming to some kind of peace about losing John, I'm moving more toward anger, resentment, jealousy of others....hate it, but that's what is happening.  I'm trying really hard to be positive, loving, etc., but these little devil feelings keep coming up.  So tired of all of this.  I have tried everything to move on and nothing is taking.  Didn't know this was going to change me into someone I wouldn't like.  Was wondering if anyone else has had these feelings or am I the only one....does it pass.  Oh God, I hope so.  I don't want to live like this.....Cookie

    • Like 3
  19. I also have the great sadness more now than in the beginning.  It morphs into anxiety or depression....don't know why that happens.  Wish I could move forward better.  Want to enjoy life but it just doesn't come.  I do enjoy moments but the sorrow always comes right back and it is very heavy....trying to ignore Valentine's day....very hurtful watching ads with all the couples.  Hugs to you all.....Cookie

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  20. On 1/31/2019 at 11:48 PM, Gwenivere said:

    I’ve noticed several times people have said the 5th year was the hardest.  I entered that last October and it’s so true for me.  I know every day, week, month and year are extremely hard.  I’m just wondering why certain time frames are like walking into a wall and you get trapped for awhile.  There’s always that feel it won’t get better and I find myself withdrawing more from life again.  I’ve had some extra help with physical challenges taking away things I did to distract myself for a bit.  I’m still distracted, but by how bad I feel myself now.  It’s like a viscious trap.  I’m so disheartened I am alone as I watch the world shrink of what I can do.  It’s hard enough getting older, I just never imagined it would come so soon with his leaving.  We used to sit at the table and fill our medicine boxes for the coming week together.  Not a fun activity, but sharing it made it something we could laugh about messing up the other person when they were trying to count.  I went to bed crying one night wishing I didn’t love him anymore.  Wishing I never had.  That I had been a loner so this was not unusual to be facing challenges alone.  All it did was make me love him more.  Therein lays the problem.  My love keeps growing and the planter is too small.  I don’t even remember feeling this bad when I accepted he was gone forever a couple of years ago.  So why now?  Rhetorical. I think it is because no matter what I do, I’m not creating memories or sharing life. I don’t matter to someone any more that I could disappear and it would be noticed I was gone.   I thought when I accepted his death I would turn a corner and find other reasons to wait out my life.  That isn’t happening.  It has for some of you with family to fill a bit of the void.  It’s also not helped.  I just keep sitting here on this deserted island watching a vast ocean of things we could be doing but have no appeal for me alone.  My new hobbies are maintaining my oxygen in the house and car, trying to fill vulnerable hours when I never needed an iPad because I was content with my books and our nightly routines and I didn’t know the names of so many drugs and medical condition the TV has taught me.  They say you don’t know what you had til it’s gone and that is so true.  So off to our power nap time to then eat dinner alone as I have for years now.  Wait for sleep and do it all over again waking to the big question in my mind...why?   I cannot envision a life without him in it anymore.  My quit smoking support group has a term for when you want to give up trying called No Mans Land.  I’m living the grief version.

    It's always a comfort of some sort to hear someone else name what you feel and feel so alone in.  You did that by saying 5 years was worse still.  It's been 3 and 1/2 for me and I feel like I'm dying.  I keep thinking I will.  Can't imagine what is keeping me alive.  I have stress up the whazoo, am depressed a lot, lots of anxiety; my eating and drinking habits have gotten worse...what is keeping me here where I don't really want to be.  There must be some hope in there that I don't see or feel.  I am so tired of missing, feeling alone, dying to be touched with love, on and on....I think I've been in  no man's land for 3 and 1/2 years....Cookie

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  21. On 1/31/2019 at 8:33 AM, kayc said:

    I think Gwen said it all when she said she's not #1 to someone else anymore, nor is anyone to her...that is one of the biggest things we struggle with, that and isolation.  When I was down sick for two weeks I felt very isolated, some days not able to even talk on the phone as I lost my voice, there were a couple of days I wasn't up to being on the internet at all.  When George was here, he'd have been taking care of me.  If this is a glimpse into our future, it's not looking real rosy!  We can only do our best every day and hope...

    Yes, I try to take it one day at a time still, but still struggle with isolation and feeling so alone.  Hate to think of a future with just this in it.  There is no guidebook for how to go forward so many years, so you end of wishing those years to be short, something I would have never wished for when John was here...I wished to live forever then.....Cookie

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  22. On 1/31/2019 at 3:32 PM, scba said:

    I struggle to listen and care about my friend's relationships, I'm failing at that. Unless it is a very serious/dangerous situation, I'm not interested in their current affairs. I generally nod at each comment and I feel very bad because I'm not interested. All I can think of is what I am missing. It hasn't change. 

    I'm exactly the same.  My problem is I'm tired of hearing about about joyful life is for others who have their husbands to travel with, grandkids to play with, etc.  After 3 and 1/2 years, it still only makes me sad and feeling alone.  I wish I could derive joy from someone's else's.  Hate admitting it.  I just miss him so much all the time and it feels like I'm doomed to a life of feeling left out and alone, lonely.....

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  23. On 1/31/2019 at 3:57 PM, scba said:

    I understand you. When my boyfriend was dying I asked God to take everything away from me, but not him. I swear I included everything and everyone in my plea. I was kneeling in the hospital aisle alone. I will never forget that moment. Cannot be erased because I would do anything to have him back even if it means to loose him again on sickness. I would kneel down once more and ask God the same.

    Because I cannot believe he can be fine and be better wherever he is now, if it is without me. I can't conceive it. 

    scba:  Thanks for sharing that....makes me feel not so alone in my thinking.  I also feel like he can't possibly be better off, although, that is what everyone says and then I feel guilty for not agreeing with that; and, if I think he might be better off, I feel terrible thinking that he could be better off without me!  No-win situation....hugs, Cookie

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