Cookie

I am thinking of you Gin...you are in my heart. I would come by to visit if I could. Take care. I know how lonely and hard this is....Cookie

That's the tragedy of what that person doesn't know....how much more horrible it would be if he wasn't there at all. But, when John was sick I never felt annoyed at having to help him. I got tired, of course, and distressed at his sickness, but didn't feel like it was a personal bother to help him. We always helped each other over the years. I guiltily remember thinking and praying that the universe would let me keep him here even as sick as he was....I would have him back on any terms, but I know he is better off not living that hell....

I fall into the negative thinking trap that if John were here, somehow the pup would be better, do better, etc. I think I'm a little depressed too, which kind of blunts feelings such as joy and passion about anything. I will take good care of this sweetie and love it to the best of my ability. I think all this takes time. Not sleeping well again. Has anyone ever taken gabapentin for sleep or anxiety? I keep reading about it. I'm always looking for the thing that will magically fix that.....

Marg: So sorry for your friend...losing a second love, how hard.

Gin: Hope things are better for you now. Yes, feeling isolated is horrible. The cold and snow doesn't help. I try to go out a lot too just to get out and am lucky I'm physically able right now. I also have a pup to walk so that helps. Feeling for all of you....take care, Cookie

Well, it's been a while since I've been on here. Start missing you all and the honest exchanges. I got a poodle pup named Rio and have been immersed in him. One thing I wasn't expecting was the grief it caused. I thought I would feel satisfied and comforted (which I am a little), but this whole experience has made me miss John so much and it's hurting really bad all over again. The first weeks were the worst, and now things are better as I'm getting used to doing this alone and he is such a loveable, sweet pup, full of tremendous energy, though. Not having John to share it with is so hard. Cookie

Katie: My heart goes out to you...this is so hard and the pain is almost unbearable at times. Love to you, Cookie

You know, Gwen, I have a lot of the same feelings. After 3 1/2 years, I still feel acute grief, sadness, loneliness a lot. I was reflecting on it, as I'm always trying to figure out how to get out of this. One thing that came to me was that John was the one person in my life who I knew really loved me and cared. I came from a dysfunctional family and so don't have siblings who are that for me. My children are off on their own. I think that is what keeps bringing me around to this awful feeling so much. I believe it's easier to move forward (don't mean get over the grief, but find happiness still), when there is some one person that you know in your heart really cares about you. I think that is my problem and don't have a clue what to do about it. Anyway, a penny for your thoughts on this. Take care, Cookie

Boy, you really went through it! My house looks like a Zen den...nothing in it now. I have moved everything because it's all at risk.....I'm sure he'll find something, though.....

KarenK: Yes, lots of mischief on his mind and being acted out! Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking, but I know he will grow up, probably faster than I would like...those mouths are unbelievable!

Dee: They are very bright, but many dogs are; I think what I notice is that they are very interpersonal. You can see it in their eyes. That's what I'm hooked on. They seem so interested in their owners, everything you say and do.....had a little trouble at first comparing him to Olive and Ranger, but realized what I was doing and was able to see I was just missing the other two. Rio is his own guy and quite a personality. Good wishes to you.....Cookie

So nice and comforting to hear from all of you....I am happy to have him; he is so lovable; I think it does hurt that I'm not sharing this new boy with John like we always shared our dogs. We also walk twice a day...he's quite a walker, thank goodness. If you can believe it, I still can't imagine a future without John, though. I sometimes think I really did go crazy with grief...still just going day to day; no plans to make or look forward to. I think the pup is a good thing, though.....

Hi all....haven't been on in a long, long time. Partly because I can't seem to shake the sorrow of loss no matter what I do and wanted to be able to come on and have some progress to report...But, still missing John horribly. Did get a new poodle puppy. Had forgotten what a puppy was like and am wondering if I was in my right mind. His name is Rio. A slight nod to John who loved all things Mexican and I always wanted to name a pet river. Wasn't prepared for the fact that getting a puppy would trigger me terribly. Made me start missing John and remembering all the dogs we shared as partners. I guess it's like everything in grief....everything seems to trigger the sorrow of loss. He does keep me busy. He's very loveable and cute, but a holy terror. Wonder if I will survive this. It's New Year's eve and very bittersweet without John. Good wishes to all of you....

Yes you can Gwen, my heart goes out to you. I do get it. I'm still sleeping in the bed John died in and keep wondering why I don't get a new one....(?). Money and ennui. I still wake up early all mornings and have panic and sorrow. Have to get out and about quickly before I go down the rabbit hole. Another reason to get a new dog. This deep sorrow is tough. I went to see "A Star is born" with two women friends and ended up having to leave the show and had an emotional breakdown in the theater--sobbing and everything. It just ripped open the heart wound that I (and I know everyone here) try to keep closed. No preparation...one minute I was in control, the next I wasn't. The ladies I was with were sympathetic but horrified. They don't understand what this is. I wish I could come over for a visit. I feel for you and wish you had some widow friends who understand to spend time with....of course, I don't either, but am always looking for that. You can only tolerate so much pain before it bludgeons you off and on. Thinking about you....Cookie

Great news....I also have times that are good and I enjoy things after 3 years.......good for you Darrell....Cookie

Awww.....sweet.

More pet pictures.....I love seeing people with their pets. It's one of the most uplifting things I can think of. We've got some really good ones on here so far.....Cookie

Excited and feel ready, and, yet, at the same time nervous and feel anxious. It's been a long time since I've had a puppy, so therein lies the reason for feeling anxious. Surely I can do this! The problem is that everything I do now without John leaves me feeling a tad anxious....but, I will get through it. I do think it's the right thing; will just be a little bittersweet without him here to share it. Puppy stages won't last forever.....!

Love the pic!

Oh, so very sweet and cute? Thanks for sharing...Cookie

Tom: Sorry for what you've been through. I do think every loss at all after having lost the love of your life is very traumatic. Even though I do have nice days, good times now too, I still feel thrown up against a wall every time I lose something, anything it seems. A potential relationship/friendship is a pretty big one. I had a hiking buddy who wanted to be romantic, but I did not but he said we would always be good friends. Well, he met someone to be romantic with and told me he couldn't be my friend anymore......that was pretty hurtful...we had only ever been friends but his girlfriend couldn't tolerate him seeing me, talking to me, running into me.....it felt like getting thrown away. Just want you to know I think we all understand the pain of any loss after the biggest kind. Take care....Cookie

Kayc: So sorry your animals are aging and at the same time.....my heart goes out to you. It is so hard, but they are worth it all, I think. Send a picture of you sweetie. I could look at people's dog pictures all day...cats too....Cookie

Hey guys: Have found a poodle pup I can get mid-November. I have been selling things, cleaning houses, am worn out, but it's worth it. He or she will be a blue standard, probably a he. The owner is going to watch their personalities...I asked for a laid back one. I am craving a poodle so bad. Let's hope I don't get a raving maniac dog! I will have a companion for my long walks.....will keep you updated.....Cookie

Oh, thanks for sharing...they are adorable, just adorable!! Can't wait to have another one....Cookie

Tom: I agree with all the good advice above--be careful with your heart and be honest about what you want. Can't do more than that. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants which is resulting in the hot and cold behavior. That can be hurtful to someone who is vulnerable. Do you think she knows that about you? Take care and I wish you all good things, Cookie