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Cookie

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Everything posted by Cookie

  1. Dee: I found so much in what you wrote to relate to. I also feel such great pain 3 years out and it has surprised me. Thought it would be easier, like a lot of people say. My husband was also an outgoing friendly guy, which I greatly admired, and I too feel like it should have been me and not him.....just wanted to commiserate with you. You are definitely not alone in the way you feel....hugs, Cookie
  2. Gwen: I do understand, I think, what you are saying. Even being as lonely as we are does not necessarily give us what it takes to meet someone new and get happy, and the "changing your life" thing is complicated and sounds a little like the "positive thinking" thing that can make one feel really terrible because they can't seem to achieve it. I think sometimes it's just the roll of the dice or it was meant to be and happens despite what you do, which is wonderful for those it happens to. I truly wish all those on here who have found each other much happiness, and they are lucky; who wouldn't wish them well. In truth, I wish it could happen for me, so I'm probably a little jealous, but not in a negative way.....for me, John was my soulmate and love of my life, and if I could find another person who could be that I would be so happy, but don't think it's in the cards for me. I do get out, do lots of things and meet people, but still have that big black hole in the pit of my heart and stomach. I know, "never say never".....but it's not for lack of wanting and trying I can tell you that. Cookie
  3. No Marg, I don't believe there is. As close as we were, John and I also had two separations in our 47 years together...neither of us was perfect. But, what I say about it is all the ups and downs were what made our relationship so rich and interesting, like a colorful quilt, and challenged us to find the loving, liking, get real. I wouldn't change anything. We got so close due to all the goods and bads. Sounds like you and your husband did too. That's why I know it will never happen again for me. I don't think I have that many years left to build another rich relationship.....Cookie
  4. George: Thank you for your comforting words. I'm trying. It's coming and going. She was such a big part of my life, especially since losing John and Ranger. I think the suddenness of it was traumatic (which it sounds like you are familiar with). Thinking about another puppy, but will have to be careful and take my time. Need something to love.....Cookie
  5. Tom: That was lovely...what a rider; you should be proud. I love horses too. Don't get to ride much. Have gone on a couple trail rides recently. Thanks for sharing the wonderful video....Cookie
  6. George: I reread this because I am so bereft after losing Olive and I wish someone could convince me that the universe is for us/me. I can't seem to shake this....one loss too many is what it feels like. Trying not to lose hope about life.....so sad still...Cookie
  7. Looks like such a sweetheart...my heart goes out to you too....
  8. Thank you all for the love....kayc: I'm doing a little better; have quit beating myself up for thinking I caused her death somehow. Still in quite a bit of pain, but going on with the usual stuff. Miss her so bad. I know you have all suffered like this and so your words of comfort really mean something....fondly, Cookie My little girl.....
  9. I can't believe this has happened. I lost my sweetie Olive on Thurs. Had picked my nephew up from the airport; she was with me. We stopped and took a little walk...she was her usual, happy, smiling self. Got back in the car. I turned around and could tell something terrible was wrong. We jumped out and pulled her out...she was having trouble getting breath. We tried CPR, compressions....she was dead in 30 seconds. I am so torn up and feel so dark. No rhyme or reason...just dead. I really feel like there is a curse on me....first John, than Ranger, now Olive.....why am I still here. She has been my comfort and companion these last 3 years and especially since Ranger left. I feel like I'm being punished and there is no point to me. It's almost like the universe is saying, okay, get out of here, like I'm being pushed over the edge. The vet said it sounded like acute heart failure...in a seemingly healthy dog who was only 9 and 1/2? Just devastated right now......
  10. Oh kayc: What a great picture...looks like a very neat guy. Thanks for sharing. I wonder the same things....would John find me attractive now. Love to you, Cookie
  11. Loved seeing the pictures...everyone send more. It is nice to put a face to the people you share so much with......Cookie
  12. Gin: My dog is my lifeline. They give you so much love and companionship. I have thought that after Olive leaves, I might consider a small poodle....I'm a poodle lover. Anyway, you can pick them up and take them places you can't take other dogs. Also, they don't require as much walking, so maybe that would be an option for you. You could also go to the local animal shelter and see if they have any loveable, already house-trained small dogs you might bond with. I highly recommend it. Life is so brutally lonely, and a pet can really bring you even a small measure of love and connection. Hugs to you, Cookie
  13. Oh mbbh: Just read this....how completely horrible for you. I hope you did get some help for this. I can't imagine having that happen as if you didn't have enough to deal with. Please take care, fondly Cookie
  14. Darrel: I cried reading this....you expressed your feelings well; John and I were together 47 years, babies when we met, grew up together, and you are right, that makes it so, so hard.....fondly, Cookie
  15. I definitely feel like you Gwen, Gin and scba: The life has been sucked out of me.....nothing yet has replaced the void of John, the easy companionship, affection, genuine caring and that we were on the same wavelength. I do keep hoping a little; I am posting this picture of me with my sweet Poods. I lost the silver last year, but the one in the middle, Olive, is what I pretty much live for now. They were both John's and mine and he loved them fiercely. I have to say that in the book by Alan Wolefeldt on losing your soulmate, he says that it is a trauma, like losing a twin and not an easy thing to deal with, that the pain can go on for a very long time. I doubt you are resistant, Gwen. You sound like me....just hurting so much and wanting relief but not finding it, even with much effort. The trauma idea would explain a lot of the posts here. I wish tapes and physical activities could work the magic of making things better. I'm not saying that stuff isn't valid; I'm just saying the rest of the world really believes if you just do these things, it will really dampen the pain. I like coming here because I get to hear honest and real dialogue. The truth for me as I know it after 3 years is that it hurts like hell just like it did at first, if not worse. All this time without John has been deadly in its repetitive hurting and missing, like someone hitting me over and over with a 2 x 4. It's not that I don't get some fun and laughter.....the moments like that live alongside a monster which always comes back and is just lying in wait. That monster moved in when John died. I'm hoping desperately for the thing that will slay it. One night when I was having a particularly hard time with the unrelenting hurt, I decided I would give it 2 years, long enough to see my daughter safely and securely on her journey as a speech therapist and probably about the time that Olive will be coming to the end of her life and then I would check out. I was amazed at how much peace that brought me--just having that plan, knowing that I didn't have to live 10 to 20 years like this. I am not suicidal, but the idea that I could do something about this was a comfort. That's the whole key here, I think. Eventually having a game plan that will bring, at least, some peace. At the end of the day, you've got to find a life raft.......
  16. So sorry for your troubles....that sounds like it was horrible. It is so hard without our loved ones to comfort us. I know that I could face anything with John, and I still do face things, but, boy, is it a burden! You sound like you do your best....my heart goes out to you, Cookie
  17. Oh scba: My heart is heavy for you....I can relate. Year 3 for me and I feel very much as you do today all the time. John was my soulmate also. I hate to admit that I've been jealous of others being able to find another love. I kept thinking if I could just meet someone, I would feel better, that I'm just lonely, etc., but what I've realized is that although it sounds good on paper, the reality is that I want that particular person's (John's) essence and that is not possible. It does leave you feeling quite depleted and hopeless. It does feel like all that joy and contentment is now a curse. I do keep trying to keep the hope, as small as it is, that there is something out there for me, some purpose to make all this bearable. Anyway, wanted to commiserate with you because I feel like I can. Hang in there...hugs to you, Cookie
  18. I agree that God would have nothing to do with that.....
  19. Marg: I have a sister very much like you describe yours. She used to be different when she was younger...then she became a born again Christian (I am not dissing Christianity; I'm saying that for some reason it had a terrible effect on my sister). She became very self-righteous, mean-spirited, judging of others, judging of me; told me I was going to hell. Can't talk to her about anything. She is very aggressive in her opinions especially around supporting the terrible things that are being done in the world right now by our present administration. It's another loss, loss of a sister. I have tried so hard to reason with her....but she is too harsh for me. Anyway, I do believe that we all have our opinions and a right to them, but cannot tolerate such hatefulness. It's true you can't change people, but we all try because we don't want to lose another relationship......
  20. You definitely have to fight an uphill battle, though, unfortunately. I think they are all so busy and overwhelmed and unless you make a fuss, you get put aside. I had a terrible time with nurses over John's pain meds. Most of them weren't working and they kept insisting morphine was the king of medicines...I did my own research and found out there were many options and combinations that hadn't even been mentioned. When I tried to talk to them about it, they basically told me they knew what was the best. That began my real descent in terms of my trust in medical personnel. I wish us all luck with it.....Cookie
  21. Oh, kayc, that sounds horrible.....hope it does pass. This getting old stuff is hard. I had to laugh at your description of getting the "old ladies" out of the car. You have such a good attitude in troubled times....hugs to you, Cookie
  22. TomPB: I know what you mean about the hit coming after....I will think I'm doing ok, and then go home and the bottom falls out. I so want this to be a straight line forward because getting ambushed by pain is very difficult and I always feel like maybe I'm not moving through this.....Cookie
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