Cookie

Oh...that is very touching. Those gestures mean so much...hugs to you Kayc

Yes, scba, unbelievable....my answer to that is I was free when John was alive, beautiful, nestle down in such comfort freedom. John's love gave me such freedom to explore myself and the world. Now, I feel trapped....love is the most freeing thing that there is. Also, I've had a real education since John died in terms of the carelessness of people. I know that many don't try to be hurtful, but, gee, a little thought before speaking would be nice....and then when you realize what you said was hurtful, wouldn't it be nice to address it at least and try to find out why it was hurtful? I think the person who said that about freedom never had the connection and love with her husband that many of us have known, so I try to think compassionately about it....

Seriously? I'm sure they miss her terribly, but you ate, slept, spent all your time with her (like me and John) and besides loving her completely, just the enmeshment of both your lives makes the loss of hers so excruciating. I am reading "When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt, which I think MartyT recommended. If nothing else, it lets you see that you are experiencing the normal pain and disorientation of having half of you torn away. He says it's similar to losing a twin if you want to try to compare it to anything. Anyway, I needed it because I've really felt like I must be losing my grip. No one gets this except for others who have experienced it, and I mean losing a soulmate. I know other widows who have lost husbands and they suggest that I should be enjoying my freedom...(???) My heart goes out to you. It is a great comfort to talk to those who know what this is. Thanks for your support...Cookie

So sorry that we feel like this, but it is a comfort knowing I'm not alone....hugs to you all

Why is this so hard? It's been 3 years and, yet, I'm experiencing such sorrow, anxiety and panic with the anniversary of John's death being tomorrow. I've wondered if I have some disorder...PTSD maybe? It feels like a disorder....this can't be what we have to live with so long and for how long? Is this normal? I think the people around me think there is something wrong with me. I just can't shake it. I also feel apathetic....nothing is interesting...just counting down the days. Trying to keep busy....but it is work. Feels like I will never know what it is like to be happy or just content again....sadly, Cookie

Janka: Thank you so much. I know you know what this is.....so wish we had our loved ones here......you are a very caring and thoughtful person......Cookie

Yes, I would like to be able to say it's better, but it's still hard. John will have died 3 years ago on June 13th, and is very painful just anticipating it. Thinking of you all....Cookie

Well, I don't even remember the 25 pages (oh no!), but I do remember the episode, and I've watched it several times....very sexy! Cookie

Gwen: Doing whatever yoga you do in a hot room with high humidity is what will get you past your problems.....I know, I sound like a damn preacher, but I'm telling you, I had a horrible back problem that no one could diagnose years ago and very hot yoga is the only thing that worked. It was slow and took time, but what did I have to lose.....Anyway, my thoughts are with you. Getting old is no joke. Hope to keep moving till I die. PT always has made me feel worse. It's because they focus on one part and don't include the whole being and you're usually not warmed up enough. Well, enough of that.....take care, Cookie

Kayc: Anyone can do yoga...trust me. If I could, I would send you some great gentle yoga videos. Try looking at ones by Patricia Walden, Rodney Yee, etc. There is gentle chair yoga. I started yoga due to a serious back injury 28 years ago. I went to Bikram's yoga in LA...very hot room with lots of humidity. I couldn't bend 1/4 inch in any direction, was in constant pain. All the doctors told me to never bend backwards. Well, that proved to be untrue, and the yoga literally saved my life by taking care of my back. It did take a year, but remember, yoga is not a quick fix for anything.....takes time, but is worth every second and you get many benefits along the way..... Cookie

Please do try it if you can....you can even do gentle chair yoga. I had a yoga teacher once tell me that you can do yoga on your deathbed. I had an amazing experience just last week after a yoga class. We were all in relaxation pose and all of a sudden I "came to," meaning I had gone somewhere so peaceful, wonderful and full of love.....later when I reflected on it, it felt like John and all that is. I know that sounds strange, but that is how it came to my mind. Then I thought, God, I want to go there now. I had the feeling it was that place we go when we die, and I am not a hardcore believer in anything.....I've never had that happen before. I always feel peaceful after yoga, but this was something else. I have been having a hard time again. The 3-year anniversary of John's death is coming up June 13th, and the pain is cycling around pretty intensely. Maybe John was trying to bring me comfort. That is what I would like to believe. I told this story because it's true that yoga, any kind, gentle, aggressive, whatever, does bring you peace and balance, even for a little while. That's worth something! I'm impressed by your dad.....Hey, have to tell you I've discovered the Outlander series and books. What a fantasy, a sexy, wonderful fantasy. I've been using those for escape these days. Hugs to you Marg and all....Cookie

Amen to that scba....yoga is just about the only time I can escape pain; takes me right out of where I'm at and balances me for a while. I highly recommend it.....Cookie

I think that is the thing....that having someone you love more than life itself....what a feeling. It informs everything you do in life, adds new dimensions, color, meaning. I wish I could hope that was out there again before I die. Life doesn't feel very worthwhile living without it, and you can't just manufacture it......Cookie

Gwen: I know of what you speak.....I, too, after almost 3 years still feel so much pain. I have this spiraling, up and down thing that happens. I'll be okay, then boom the smallest thing sends me crashing back into the sorrow and pain....can't figure out how to stop it. Feels like I'm doing time, as in a jail sentence. I have also tried all the suggestions and frankly I'm tired. There are those moments, though, and I cherish those.....the neutral, okay moments that are almost like heaven now. Hugs to you.....Cookie

So right!

Linda E: You are not alone in being in the 1% group. I am definitely there with you; wish neither of us was there. After almost 3 years (this June), I still can't imagine life without him. How long were you together? I met my husband when I was 18 and we were together 47 years. I know length of time is not really any measure of love, but gosh, 47 years was my whole life....fondly, Cookie

Scba and Gwen: I can really relate to what you've said. I thought the description of "floating in a sea of unhappiness" was the perfect description of what I also feel. Not happy...just getting through the days. Wonder myself how long I can live like this....it's amazing to me how others around me think it's been long enough for healing, getting back to live (almost 3 years this June). I don't feel that way at all....miss him more than ever and feel so sad all the time. Thank God I can come here and read all your posts; it makes me feel like at least I'm not the only one in the universe who can't seem to find my way back yet.....take care all, Cookie

Mitch....so sorry that happened. I don't know what is wrong with people in this world. It's unfathomable sometimes. I always wonder why people can't live in peace together; I know, ridiculous question. The fire thing really had to be scary....I can imagine your need of Tammy's presence and support.....I always feel so sorrowful and needy for John's comfort when things go south...virtual hugs from me too....Cookie

Oh Kayc: Poor you and Arlie.....that is unbelievable scary. I feel so bad about Arlie continually getting bitten. Wonder what's up with Bruno. Anyway, glad you could do the trail so well and that you're okay....Cookie

Yeah, I feel such tremendous pain still looking at pictures and hearing his voice on a recording and I think it's because it just emphasizes how gone he is....you see him but he's not here, frozen in time; you hear the voice but where is he......Cookie

Janka: I call God the Universe and I talk to it every day, mostly asking for help in having grace, getting through this somehow; sometimes now I can even thank it for the things I do have and the moments that are peaceful or contain joy on some level. I hurt so much still, though. One surprising moment for me was today when I went to my eye doctor for my yearly exam. John went to him too and had known him. After the exam, he looked at me and said, "how are you doing?" in a very sincere tone. I told him and he just listened and said his father had died 12 years ago and it took his mother many years to feel okay. Then he shared a story with me about John and spoke of how much he had liked him. It was so powerful for me because that is so rare where I am. Most people act like John never existed and get very uncomfortable if I bring him up. It was so kind of him to spend a few moments just letting me be whether I was sad or whatever. A lesson for all those out there who "don't get it." Hugs to you, Cookie

I have had two very unusual birds show up at my place and stay for about 30 minutes during the last 2 1/2 years. I want to believe they are from John. He so loved birds and wanted to fly; loved to fly in planes. But, I confess, it frustrates me....not really knowing. I want something really graphic so badly, like a vision of him; then I think I would know. If they can come or send birds, why can't they appear. This is where I think it's all just wishful thinking. And, it hurts so much....Cookie

Mitch: Your post was so heartfelt. My thoughts are with you....Cookie

Oh, how beautiful....would love to go there; of course, having John with me would make it really wonderful....Cookie

Yes, DaveM, I was totally surprised. I never imagined....this world.....