Cookie

Thanks MartyT.....

Gwen: I have reacted strongly the that word "widow," but a strange thing happened to me at tax time. I put widow for status and they returned it to me as "single." When I saw that word, I really had a strong emotional reaction. I said, I am not single; I didn't choose this; I didn't divorce from my husband; he was taken from me in the cruelest way; although, I don't like being a "widow," it rings more realistic than "single." They said I only get two years as widow status, then have to be single; has to do with taxes and they can get more money from me as single. Sometimes I have a hard time with this world we live in.....Cookie

Janka: Love the little dancing heart.....I think you are also a very kind, loving person, as are all the people on this site....may all this love we put out there surround and support us....love to you, Cookie

And you deserve everything that is wonderful.....Cookie

Beautiful.....

Darrel: My song is "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran: Lyrics When your legs don't work like they used to before And I can't sweep you off of your feet Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70 And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23 And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways Maybe just the touch of a hand Oh me I fall in love with you every single day And I just wanna tell you I am So honey now Take me into your loving arms Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars Place your head on my beating heart I'm thinking out loud A week before John died, we were watching a concert by Ed Sheeran on TV and when he sang this song, John reached out and took my hand and the love that passed between us was so strong.....after he died, I would hear it every time I got in the car and wondered??? I hope so. It always makes me cry, though...Cookie Hey, I'm not techie enough to post the video either. Can someone tell me how?

Darrel: Those words "die or dead" are strange. When I say them in relationship to John or someone else does, it still seems surreal and I feel so distanced from it. Can't seem to connect John to those words, and, yet, he is.....dead....I can say it but still can't believe it.....Cookie

Janka: My heart goes out to you.....I know, no matter how much time goes by or how "nice" a time you can have (and I have had some nice times), there is still that hollow crater in my heart and soul that really hurts. Nothing can seem to alleviate this particular pain.....hopefully some day. I also have that sadness seeing couples together. I don't at all begrudge them the happiness; just want it back for me. Hugs to you....Cookie

Yeah Gwen: Turns out I don't do medicines well, but I never really took them before. All of a sudden, I'm trying all these different things; just hoping one of them works pretty soon.....Cookie

Oh Kayc: What a story. You have been through hell and it's got to be so hard watching your daughter going through it. My heart goes out to you.....you are such a caring, wonderful and supportive person.....Cookie

Oh Kayc: I have to respond to this.....I too have a sister who did something very much like yours. I was feeling down because I have a gravel drive and it's expensive to put road bond on. We were getting a lot of rain and I was having anxiety over it washing away because I had just spent $800+ on the road bond. In a low moment, I shared with her how I was feeling and she said, "I told you so; I tried to tell you and John not to build up that high." Like you, that was 20-some years ago, we were excited and John had no qualms about building up here and taking care of the road. It never crossed our minds how this would turn out and I would be taking care of this property by myself on a limited income! There is no way you can know these things and it's just cruel for someone to make the "I told you so remark." When I reacted negatively to what she said, she then said, "Oh, you've always been too sensitive" and I said, no, you are insensitive. It makes me never want to speak to her again. A simple sorry you're having to go through this would have sufficed. She has no idea....many people don't and they don't realize how it hurts, like you're getting beaten up again. So sorry you had that experience too.....Cookie

Gwen: I can so relate to what you are saying. I, too, am desperately searching for meaning and can't seem to find it anywhere. I do know that 3+ years is not long when you have this big crater in your life. Just think, like John for me, Steve was the most integral part of your life. He was taken away and the universe has changed as you or I ever knew it. Some people are so blessed to have found things to grow up around the crater, but not all of us have had that happen yet and it's God-awful. I feel that emptiness and also wander around a house full of memories that hurt so much I can't hardly stand it sometimes. I want to lose the house but don't know where I'll go, haven't got a better plan yet; it just seems like I'll be launching myself into some other empty scary existence. The only thing that keeps me here is a small hope that there is a tiny light at the end of this tunnel that I don't know about yet. I keep looking...let's keep looking together...hugs to you, Cookie

Feel for you too Gin. The loneliness is terrible....wish we all could be in an in-person group and do some things together. That would help wouldn't it? You take care....Cookie

Kayc: How nice of you to ask. Well, I've had a difficult time. It's been 10 weeks and I still have inflammation in the knee. They put me on meloxicam. That bothers my intestines a little, so he said I could have a steroid shot. Had that Friday and ended up having a bad reaction--seriously flushed face, fast heart rate, anxiety, headache and nausea. Finally found out this morning (Monday) that some people can have a sensitivity to it, so can't have that again and just hope it works. They really don't give you much information when things are done, even if you ask, which I did. She said they don't say anything because most people don't have a reaction. Anyway, I've been fighting discouragement and almost wish I had never had the knee surgery done, but the doctor said it would be so easy and I would be back to yoga in 2 weeks. I think I was better off with the tears. But what is done is done, I know, and I have to figure out my way through this. Missing the activity level I was used to as it was my way of coping with grief. Surely this will heal in time.....anyway, how kind of you to inquire...just been a little depressed.....Cookie

I seek just simply to be at peace with all of this. So tired of the angst, sorrow, pain, worry, doom and gloom. Of course, there have been bright spots, but just spots....not enough to sustain one. More sorrow and pain, feeling at a loss.....Cookie

You are in my heart and thoughts.....Cookie

Gwen, my heart goes out to you. I know what you are saying. I had that feeling just getting knee surgery...I needed him so much and as it's taking me some time to recover I miss him so terribly. You will be in my thoughts. I wish there was some way to make this better. If you find it, will you share.....take care, Cookie

Janka: So sorry...just now read your post. It's so hard sometimes. I also feel like I can't stand another minute of sorrow and pain, then magically it lifts some, but sometimes I'm not looking forward to the future because it seems like it will be filled with this up and down.....take care, Cookie

TomPB: I also go from okay to intense grief still. It can be discouraging. I related to you saying you didn't know how to ride the wave. Not sure I understand either. These feelings seem to come of their own accord and leave the same way. Sometimes it makes me crazy...no control over it and tired of it also.....Cookie

Thanks Kayc: I just wonder what people like that are doing in a helping profession?

Oh Gwen: Unfortunately, too many of us have awful experiences with people who are supposed to be caretakers. So sorry you went through that! I have been having trouble still with my knee after arthroscopy, 8 weeks today. Still swelling some and I'm not back to doing what I could before. I had to call the office to make another appointment to see them and the nurse and office staff were so rude. I had to insist I see the surgeon. So, you can imagine when I went in I felt like a criminal or something. They don't seem to care about what I'm going through. The doctor was nice when I got to see him, but getting through the nurse especially was horrible. Now, I don't want to call because of the bad association.....take care, Cookie

Gypsy: My heart goes out to you....50 years is a very long time. I was married 47 and have felt and feel very much the same as you. It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my sweet John to cancer. Things change, but I still struggle. I think I've learned to manage some. I still miss him as much if not more since he left, though. Sounds like you have a lot of support and that is good. No, it won't taking your pain away unfortunately, but it does help in the sense that like for me I felt so vulnerable without him suddenly and it is good to have people who care about you around. Please know you are cared about...hugs, Cookie

Janka: Why are you leaving? Will miss you.....

I think that is wonderful. The fact that you have the confidence to pursue it. Let us know how it turns out. I'm vicariously excited to see how it turns out.....

Lainey: How strong you are really. I cannot imagine going through the loss of a dear husband twice. I'm still not there....I lost my husband 2 and 1/2 years ago and am still reeling from it. My heart goes out to you....Cookie