Jamie

It has been so very long since I have posted, I read the posts but I cannot seem to write, especially if I do not post on the first post I made, I feel guilty for not posting there; like I am leaving Herman behind then too; until I saw this post, this post is exactly how I feel each second of each day and night since I lost Herman 16 Months and 16 days ago. Thank you Deborah for starting this post and allowing me to feel just for a tiny second that I am not alone and crazy. I miss Herman more than I could ever explain and you wonderful people are truly the only ones that understand and I thank you so much and I ache for you all.

Marty, I read your post.....how does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days....for me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy Marty? I have not dreamed of Herman since he went to Heaven, except a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him, no one will say his name and I am trying desperately to understand this all. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel Herman that I did something wrong, I feel that way. My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder and she was so right, am I the only person that feels this way? I go through the motions of work, of pretending I am okay, but all I want is Herman back and that will never change and it hurts so much that people tell me that I have to go on for my boys and our granddaughter, what do they think I'm doing right now. I am so tired and then I feel guilty because I could never even imagine how tired Herman was with his chemo treatments and I feel betrayed by God so much right now. How do you get good results, stable results on the brain tumor on October 7, 2005 and then on October 14, 2005 the beginning of the end starts. I know I am rambling Marty, I know I should not apologize but I am. I will never understand any of this and yet I am trying, trying and getting more lost each day. Jamie Jaimie

It has been a very long time since I have posted, November 12th was the last time, the day before the one year mark that I lost the love of my life Herman, then came the 15th of November, Herman's birthday, then the 17th of December, our 23rd Wedding anniversary, then Christmas, then the new year. And I am struggling so very much. So much has happened with our sons, the oldest has moved out with his finacee and our granddaughter, the youngest has an ulcer now and I have fallen apart, although this mask I wear would not let anyone know that. I thank you Marty and Gabrielle and all that responded to me. I have been so robotic that I have not posted, I am trying very hard but it seems that my doctor/therapist was right...it is so much harder now. I miss Herman so much and I am so tired of people telling me that I should do this and that. I have this to look forward to and that and this and I know all that, but why, why can no one understand the agony of loosing Herman. It doesn't go away just becuase he has been in heaven for more than a year. I am so tired of people that have no clue telling me that it will get easier with time. I know I have my sons and my daugher in law and our beautiful granddaughter, why else do they think I am still here. But it does not make the hurt go away, it does not make me stop wanting Herman to come home. I know what they say, I don't think I am stupid, why though does everyone either tell me to buck up or not talk about Herman or just not bother to call at all...not even some family and friends that we thought were true friends. I know I am rambling and I do not care who reads what I write anymore, I have no energy left to pretend I am doing just fine when I am not. My life is empty without Herman and it always will be. I have missed you all, I have thought of you all and I so wish I could hug you all for being there for me without judgement. I guess I am done rambling and making spelling mistakes now and I want you to know that I have you all in my heart always, even if I am not posting. Much Love, Jamie

Derek, I have not been on the site much either and am thinking of actually not coming back....I don't want to do that but in my last post(my one and only original post) if you would like to go there, it tells you why...this isn't the place to say it all again. I sleep with Herman's picture...on the couch because I still cannot sleep in our bed. Guess that makes me weird. Tomorrow I will have been without Herman for a year and I cannot understand how that is possible...it's like I am floating. Derek, I didn't mean to talk about myself, I am sorry for that. I have been worried about you Derek and thinking of you and wishing that I could somehow comfort you, but I know that the comfort needs to come from Karen. Derek, if you can somehow feel this, my arms are around you hugging you with all of my strength. Much Love, Jamie

Deborah and Laurie, Thank you for your words, your understanding and no judgement. Laurie; I know Sean and Herman would not want us to give up, and I have thought about what if the tables were turned, I would want Herman to go on too, we often talked about that. But I know that you too struggle like I do. i don't want to leave my boys or my little granddauhter but it is so hard and with all the rest added in it's even harder........ Deborah; our times and thought and everything are so very similar. tomorrow is the 13th, the day Herman died, then on the 15th is his birthday...he would have been 42. For you...the 16th Larry died and then the next day his birthday. I am and will be thinking of you too. To all of you, I need your advice or something not sure if that's the word even. I am thinking of wiping out this site.....I don't want to....but I have lost my privacy. My older son and his fiancee went on my personal computer and found my "personal space" and read my postings...he came to me while I was typing on this post on the 10th and words were spoken and I feel violated. I wanted to start a new post to tell you all that tomorrow is one year but now I feel I can't. He said he found the site by accident and only knew it was me when he saw that I was from Winnipeg (I would understand him thinking it was me by the name Jamie because Herman's middle name is James), we know you can't do that, he would have had to punch in and then to find out it was me from Winnipeg, you cannot do that as a guest, you have to either join or find my password. Then he said that he did it because he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling because the day before they were upstairs when I got home from work and they were there to talk because I don't have to do this alone (but I went to clean up the dishes because I thought they wanted to be upstairs instead of downstairs for a change and I thought I would give them privacy) how was I to know that they wanted to talk, they never said that to me, I can't read minds but maybe I should be able to, I don't know anymore. He said he didn't like that I was talking that I didn't want to go on without Herman.......don't we all have those feelings sometimes? I told him I let you know and my doctor know I have those feelings (he asked what I thought my doctor would say...I told him she knows and understands)so that I don't do something, so that I stay here with them. He asked if I never think of the good times with Herman, of course I do.....all of the time but that doesn't mean that I am not going to be in agony without him. He said I was upset (I think that was the word)when he told me he didn't want to put a memorium in for his dad, I was, but then I realized that he has to grieve his own way. I had asked my younger son if he wanted to come with me to be with his dad on the 13th and I guess he in turn told my older boy that I wanted them with me. That was a discussion itself. He said he won't go there to celabrate on the 13th, he will go on his dad's birthday. It's not a celebration, I wanted to release balloons or light a candle or something...I don't know what, but that was an issue to and the way that I count the days, the months, the weeks was an issue, it's like I am doing everything wrong and I don't know what to do anymore. I would not have minded if he asked if he could read the postings, like my other son has (even though he hasn't)or if anyone wants to read my journals. The point for me I think is that he has told me that his computer, rooms, etc are personal so why isn't mine? Why is the way I need to grieve not okay but I should accept his way and I have accepted it. I know this is a rambling mess with spelling mistakes and I know they will read this; he is is the other room right now and he knows I am posting, it's the only reason I come on the computer. Deborah, it's like you said; I found I place where I could relieve some of the pain, where you are all doing this awful journey too and now I have lost that and Laurie that is what I mean about the rest, that and as you all know the other people who don't understand, the friends, family whoever we have lost along the way because we cannot just "get over it". If I don't come back to this site please know that I thank you all so very deeply for trying to hel me and I hope in some small way that I have helped you. If only I could make a new post to let you all know that it will be one year tomorrow that the love of my life, my everthing - Herman will have been in Heavan for one year and I miss him so very, very, very much. Thank you, thinking of you all always...Much Love, Jamie

Gaby, I too feel very identified with it. Thank you. I know that we have not "talked" much on this sight but I always read your postings. I have not been on much lately, having an extremely hard time......tomorrow will be one year that I have "existed" without Herman and I am lost, empty and alone. I know that you too know how that is. Much Love, Jamie

Deborah, Thank you so much for your kind words....we are so close in our agony. I am having a very hard time holding on. I pretend but I am falling apart. I put the memorium in the newspaper today and I an a wreck. In 3 days it will be the 13th and I just can't do this life thing without Herman...it is so hard and I don't know where to turn. I am tired of pretending, so very, very tired................ I am listening to the music that Herman picked for his funeral as I type and it hurts so much. Can anyone tell me how to continue on? My oldest son doesn't want to put in a memorium and my youngest, well he basically asked me to do it for him. It hurts so much. I know they truly miss their father with all of their being but why, why won't they talk to me or, or I don't know what. All I know is I don't want to continue on this earth without Herman and I am rambling and I am so sorry for bothering you all. Lori

kayc, Laurie and spela thank you for your words. Larry's Girl, thank you so very much for your messages and Penny1 thank you for the birthday greeting. I am sorry that I have not responded....I have not been able to function well since I posted last. My thoughts, feelings, everything is all confused, mixed up and I feel that when I post I burden all of you. I know I shouldn't feel that way when you all understand this horrible grief but I want to give to you too and I just don't have it in me now to do that so I feel that if I write about myself it isn't fair to you. Soon it will be November 13th, the day I lost my Herman, the love of my life, my everything and I don't understand how it can be a year soon, I don't understand much anymore. I am empty, just empty. I have been working on a memorium for Herman to put in the newspaper and it hurts so much...I don't want a memorium, I want Herman here with me. I am going to write what I wrote to see what you all think, I hope that you do not mind. So that you know, the first song Herman and I ever danced to was "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray when I was 14 and he was 17: HERMAN JAMES KEHLER November 15, 1964 - November 13, 2005 In Loving Memory of My Husband, My Best Friend, My Eight Million Dollar Man I'll always remember the song they were playing the first time we danced and I knew as we swayed to the music and held to eachother I fell in love with you I'll always remember that magic moment when I held you close to me as we moved together, I knew forever you're all I'll ever need "They" say "time" heals all. Who "they" are I'll never know. The ache in my heart without you remains the same as it did the second I lost you. "Time" does not take the ache away to still have "our" dance for the rest of my life, to still have you as my partner every night, to still be together because it feels so right, to still dance with you Herman for the rest of my life. I would give anything to see you raise your eyebrow, see you smile, hear your voice, hold eachother, see you play with Buddie, Kalli, Night and Sneakers, hear you call Craige "Sunshine", hear you call Justin "Smiley", see you tease Ange and watch you hold your granddaughter, Paige Jaimie, who you never got the chance to hold, know or spoil. "I Love You and That's Forever, This I Promise From the Heart" Remembered, Missed and Always Loved, Now, Forever and Always, Your Wife Lori ************************************************************************** Thank you to all of you who have given me your time, your love and support even while you struggle with your own grief. Much Love, Jamie

I have not responded to anyone and I am so very sorry to you all.....I have not been on for awhile....contemplating this existence without Herman...it is too hard. I have tried so very much, I am trying, I am still here but not sure for how long. My first birthday since I was 14 years old without Herman was on the 24th.....25 years.......how do I do this, why do people push me? I read all the posts and the agony that you all feel and I still think I am crazy and feel that your pain is so much more than mine....because , well I don't know why, guess cause I put on that mask so everyone else including our sons feel better. Guess that means I am bitter or feeling sorry for myself or something....I don't even know what I am thinking or saying anymore. I know our boys hurt but they won't talk to me about their dad and that hurts so much. Since Oct 14th I have been reliving every moment of the beginning of the end and I don't dream...I haven't since Herman died except the night he died and I dreamed that the hospital staff lost him, in the tunnnels of the hospital. He does not come to me in a dream or a feeling or anything and that must mean that I hurt him...I did everything wrong for him. I am sorry for posting.....you all don't need my whining and feeling sorry for myself. I truly am sorry and I hurt for all of you. Jamie

Not sure if I should even be posting this.......I haven't been on this site for about a week because I don't know how to continue doing this faking of getting through and I am tired of being judged by people I thought would be there for me. Had a big blow up with my older son and I am so tired of continuing on, they say I don't have to do this alone but when I tell them how I feel they tell me not to count, not to do this and that...I just don't have anymore strength. Herman has been out of my reach, my touch today for 11 months and 8 days but I shouldn't be counting should I. Started a new job on the 11th, now I leave without his hug good bye and come back to our home without Herman in it and without his arms outstretched to hold me even when he was the one going through all the treatments. I am so tired, so exhausted and feeling so guilty because I have no right to feel that way when Herman endured so much, but all I want is to be with him again. I am sorry for rambling and if I do not come back I want to thank you all for your support.....Jamie

Kayc and Benita: Thank you so much for your replies. Kayc - I have tried to talk with my boys but they say it hurts them too much and I don't want to hurt them more than they are already from losing their dad and you are right as selfish as it sounds I do feel abandond. You are so right about the package deal. I feel like nothingness, just empty and alone. Benita - Thank you for your very kind words...its only that I cannot comprehend how I could help you or anyone on this site when all I have done since the start is to say how horrible this existance is without Herman. I don't mean to whine but it seems that is all I do now. I ache so desperately to feel Herman's arms wrapped around me telling me everything will be okay like he always did when I felt bad. It is so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I am getting so tired of trying. Jamie

Jenn, How I wish I could be there to hold you at this moment, I truly wish that I would have the words to comfort you but I know that words are not what you need; you need Jeff. So I will only say to you that you are in my thoughts and heart. Many Hugs, Jamie

Dear Family of Can't Tell: I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. I wanted to let you know that we are truly blessed to have had such a strong lady talk with us and give us so much insight even while your mom struggled herself. Please don't ever feel that you have to be strong here, if you need to talk, or tell us that you are having a bad day or a good day or a nothing day, please do. Again, I send you my deepest sympathy and many hugs for you and your entire family. Jamie

Larry's Girl, You have been on my mind and in my heart all day.....as you already know you and I are experiencing exactly the same emotions at almost exactly the same time (the 13th was the 11 month mark for me without Herman). Your words, emotions, thoughts are mine and I truly ache for you. For me, the only reason I am still existng is what Patti wrote...there is no other reason than that. Please talk to me when you can...you have been there for me when I need you the most and I cannot make you feel different; I would not even try because the pain is too great and you don't need the lectures that are always given to us by people that do not understand this pain. I too am struggling and I need you Larry's Girl and I want to try and be there for you if I can. Please message me if you are up to it....and know that even though my heart is in a million pieces as yours is; I send you arms to hold you, shoulders to cry on and much love. Jamie

Larrys Girl and Starkiss, Thank you so much for your kind words. I did not come on the computer at all yesterday... I was so numb, empty and lost, as I always am. I sat on the furniture and sobbed all day. Yesterday was the day that Herman had different seizures and today is the day that I took him to the hospital and my world started to crumble. I am trying so hard to hang on but I am losing the battle. I am too empty to continue. I feel so abandoned by the people I thought might be there for me...family and the people Herman and I thought were our friends. They all want me to get over it and I just can't. I guess I am feeling sorry for myself, I don't know what else to call it. Our own boys won't even talk to me about there dad....they have said it hurts too much, I am trying to give them space but I feel like I have been abandonded by them too.......I just want them to talk to me about their dad, say his name, tell me how much they miss him (I know they do) but they don't and I get so confused and depressed and confused and on and on it goes and I really don't feel like existing anymore. I say existing because I am not living now, I stopped living the sedcond Herman died..now I only exist and I don't even know if I can keep doing that anymore without Herman in my life. Larry's girl....I ache so much for you, the 11th month without Larry is tomorrow and I have this feeling that you may be feeling like I am tomorrow. I am stuggling and feel that here is no reason to be here anymore. Thank you all for your love and support during my time hear. Thank you all for your understanding and Compassion.....Jamie