MeeMee

Dear shubom Hi, this is my first time posting on this site. Found it searching for forums such as this I guess. I was just browsing and read your post. I lost my Dad to cancer. He too passed in January last year. I have been keeping my feathers thick getting through things better and better as time goes by. Until the holidays come. I feel it crumbling inside but refuse to accept as I finally started to function "normally" with out him. Barely got through Thanksgiving and here comes Christmas. The hardest part seems to be that right after getting over this mountain - the anniversary will be only a week later. It's like you fall and suddenly catch a hold of a branch and save yourself. Just as you breathe a sigh of relief it cracks, then breaks. I try all sorts of things to cope. Tons of advice from friends. I have to credit most of my strength to my family. My son and daughter who remind me of life without death every day. And my husband who is here now and needs me to be as well. But sometimes that's not enough to keep the tears from pouring down my face. I have found myself repeating small parts of the different emotions I went through when it was hardest for me. Right now, I am angry again. Screaming "It's not fair!" in my head loud enough for my heart to hear. I think to myself that this is my Dad! I can't live my life without my Dad! How does life continue without someone so golden? How? Who is going to answer that? Even though I know nobdy can, I keep asking. Looking back, wishing I had done something - everything different. To change the outcome some how. All of this I barely got myself through. A scary deppressive period that I can't believe I lived through. It was mostly determination to function - to continue life for my family's sake. Not the healthiest of ways I know that. But it's the band-aid for now. I wish I had advice for you. Something different that nobody's thought of cus you think that's the thing that will work. But what I do know, that has made a difference to me, is people coming to you knowing what you feel. Sharing what they've experience. Helping you feel not so strange anymore. Not so isolated from the rest of the "normal world". And if they can't relate - just to have them listen. To let you cry your eyes out and patiently give you their arms around you while you tremble. Or their ears while you blabber on about all sorts of things from your memories of them to how ticked you are at yourself for something you forgot or was clumsy about. Relating and listening. If you can find that, it won't make it all go away, but it will help you through. So, it is a very good thing you came back to this forum. People obviously care about you. They worry about you and are happy to hear from you, even if you are sad. These people are what you need. Best wishes to you getting throug these holidays and the upcoming annversary. I am not sure if I will continue to post here - I actually wasn't planning to just yet but your story touched me and I felt you knew exactly how rough it's been for me too. Not a good way to end the year or start the year. But we'll get through. They are looking over us to be sure of that. Andrea