tokenyankee

I've had a pretty good week this week. My son and I went out last weekend and I bought a new car. It was the car Vic and I always talked about buying next. I had a couple of days where I had a hard time thinking about it and felt so bad that he wasn't there with me enjoying it. The issues get a little easier to deal with, but they are still there. I try to give myself time to work them out. I sorted through a lot of old cards he has given me over the years. There were some his kids had given him, so I am saving those to give to them to keep. The more I face that kind of thing, the easier it gets. I just don't push myself to do more than I feel I can handle. Maybe that is the secret... I still miss him terribly at times, but I have started dating some again. That is a huge step for me. I continue to take things one day at a time. I think it will be that way for a long time to come.

Jana, I am doing the online email course through this website, but I haven't gone to any actual meetings. I'm just one who doesn't feel comfortable in the meetings and the email lessons have helped me a lot. But I know of those who do go to meetings and it does make a big difference for them. Maybe check your local newspaper or call Hospice for information about meetings in your area. Hugs, cindi

I'm still out here. I'm doing pretty good. I still see things or think of things that start to upset me, but for the most part, things are good. It's gonna be a long time getting things settled, but every day gets one day closer. God has been good.

I'm glad to see others joining in. Always know that there are others who are going through the same things. Jana, I do have a son that lives about 30 miles from here. He calls often to check on me and we see each other frequently. It does help a lot. I have been trying to put our story down in writing. The other night I started writing some more but it all came back so vividly that I had to stop. I ended up having a nightmare that night and dreamed that I was getting the same protruding tumors like Vic had and that I was arguing with my mother that I didn't want any treatments because I knew I would die regardless. When I woke up it was just so real that I didn't sleep well the rest of the night and most of the next day I couldn't concentrate very well because I felt so shaken. It's hard dealing with the intense emotions. And then on top of that, estates have to be settled and there is so much that is always being thrown in your face to remind you. Somedays it just seems like it's not fair for the rest of the world to just go on like nothing happened, but that is how life is. I have fixed up a little corner in my living room with a table with some of Vic's favorite things on and hung a picture of us along with his favorite hat. That might be a good idea of others here to do. With moving some of Vic's things, I started feeling like I was "erasing" him from my life, but by making an area like that, it made me feel so much better. I highly recommend doing that. It is good therapy for me. There will always be so many tough times for all of us. I'm thankful, though, that I have those tough time because that just proves to me how much I loved Vic and how well we got along, and for that I am very grateful. Try to look for the blessings and feel free to share them here with all of us. We owe it to them to keep their memories alive. As long as we do that, a part of them will live on through us. Hugs, Cindi

Yes, this is a wonderful forum. It's good to be able to share with others who understand. Cindi

Hello, Skyhigh, I'm sending you a private email and hope it might help. Please keep in touch. We are here to help you get through it. Cindi

I'm so glad you had a good Christmas, Jana. I got through it. It was good, but I had that empty spot the whole time. It was actually harder the day after when everything was over and I didn't have anything to keep me busy and it seemed so lonely. The hardest right now seems to be when out of the blue, I get all panicked and realize that Vic really is gone and I really am single and alone. I keep taking one day at a time. I know the hardest holidays are over with now, so that is a relief, but I also know our anniversary day will be hard. It would have been 10 years in May(2nd marriage for us both)and I was really looking forward to that. At least it is a few months away, though, but I know it will bother me a lot when it gets here. I'm trying to start focusing on doing things around the house more now that Christmas is over. I have some painting to do, so I hope to get busy with that this week and keep myself busy. I hope your New Year will be good and that each day will get a little easier than the day before. I'm so glad we have God on our side! Hugs, cindi

Hey Jana, I think it is good that you are so busy this time of year. It will help you get through it easier. I am keeping pretty busy and it does make a difference. Friends are making sure that I have plenty to do. I keep hearing of other people who are dying now and my heart just goes out to their families... It takes some of the sting off of my loss by thinking of others, too. I realize that I'm not alone in this. I do hope your friend will get help. It is bad to feel like suicide is the way to deal with her problems, so I hope she will realize that and reach out. You have a good Christmas, also. It will definitely be different for us, but we can enjoy it as much as we are able. Hugs, Cindi

Hey Jana, My heart goes out to your friend who lost her daughter as well as to your other friend who lost her son and husband. We know so well what they are feeling. I did have a pretty good weekend. I think I finally started to come to terms with being alone at this point in my life. I stayed busy and saw a lot of people and when I was home, I had a lot of phone calls, so it all helped. I was going to move some of Vic's things but just couldn't bring myself to do it! So they will sit there a while longer. It is odd how some things just don't bother me and I can move them but other things I just can't even touch. I really do want to just get Christmas over with. It won't be long now, though. I keep telling myself how Vic will have Christmas with Jesus this year. I am very happy for him as well as for your husband. It's just those of us left here that will have the struggle. But each day brings us a little farther along in our grief travels. That thought consoles me when I start to feel down. I try to think ahead to how much better I will feel just 6 months from now and I know I will be okay. Hugs, cindi

Hey Jana, I totally understand. I can't even go in the attic and look at ornaments this year. And I keep driving by all the places that sell trees and it bugs me so much... we always had a live tree. Vic loved the smell of pine. Yesterday was hard. First trip to the lawyer to start things going and he commented on how young Vic was... And I sat there thinking how I should not be having to talk about his will or any of that! And how young his kids still are from his first marriage(4 of them between 15 and 20 plus a 1 year old grandson)and now they don't have a dad anymore. Then my mom called... She means well but asks questions over and over and over and that just brought the pain up again, so last night was pretty hard. I am one of those people who is fine having alone time and being on my own to do some things, but I hate living alone and doing certain things alone, so that is what is getting to me right now. I know I'll get through it. I keep praying and I know I'm going to be fine. But I hate when I cry and I hate these emotions even though I know it's all part of the process... We will definitely get through it... We may shed a lot of tears, but we will get through it and be that much stronger for it! Hugs, Cindi

I so understand! Vic loved live Christmas trees and that's all we've had since we've been together, but this year I just can't bring myself to get one or even drag out the ornaments. I do have one of those little artificial "sapplings" with the mini ornaments that I use to put in our bedroom. I decided that's all I can do this year, so that is in the dining room on a table. I did put lights and garland on the porch. I had started the lights the day he went back to the hospital, but wasn't able to finish them until my sis was here and helped me do it. He always would get me presents and tease "I bought you something else for Christmas!" and he'd wrap it all up and put little notes on them like "To the bestest baby doll in the whole world... I love you super mega bunches..." etc etc... So, this year is gonna be extra hard. I'm going to make myself get out and do things, though. I just know I have to do it even if I'm just going through the motions. It will still help in the long run. We will get through this! Let's just stick together, okay? Do something special just for you! I did buy myself a couple of presents.... Things I needed that he would've bought me if he was here. I wrapped them and am saving them for Christmas. It would make him smile that I did something for myself like that. Have a good day. It WILL get better for us! Hugs & prayers, cindi

Hi Jana(or "hey" in the area I live in!), I, too, have a strong faith in God. It does make a huge difference. I know I will see Vic again in Heaven and that really helps get me through the low times. Isn't it great to have that to look forward to? It's still hard going through the grieving and missing them so much, but at least we can hold onto that ray of light and know that we'll be okay. I am glad you are doing so well so soon. I know there will still be hard days for you as there will be for me, too. It's definitely one day at a time at this point and for a while to come! My prayers are with you.

I agree, even though I am not into the holidays this year at all. I am having to force myself to stay busy and make plans to do things. I am making myself let friends keep me involved so I'll get out and do some holiday things. My heart is not totally in it, of course, but it's better than sitting home crying my eyes out. I know if my husband were able to, he would tell me to get out and do things and enjoy the season. That is what is keeping me going. He didn't want me to stay sad... He wanted me to be happy that he would be in heaven and out of pain. So, I'm trying to remind myself of that constantly.

I guess I fit right in with the rest of you. I lost my husband on November 16th, 2003. It is still fresh and the shock is still hard to deal with. A year ago, he was having a limited range of motion in his right shoulder. He had surgery on it in December of 2001. He started going to a sports doctor and chiropractor and they started working on breaking up the scar tissue. During that time, Vic's back started bothering him some and as time went by, a "knot" formed in the middle of his back. By February it had gotten really painful and seemed to be growing. They thought it might be a slipped or ruptured disc, so he went on to a specialist in March. The specialist realized he was in way too much pain for it to be a disc problem so he ordered an MRI and three days later, we sat in his office and he showed us a large mass in his chest cavity between his right lung and spine. It was trying to invade his spine, which was causing the inflammation that was making the "knot" on his back. That doctor had had leukemia in 1990 and recommended his oncologist. He even called him from his office and they had us go right over that afternoon. Vic went through all the usual tests and biopsies and on April 7th, he was diagnosed with metastic renal cell cancer. It had started in his right kidney and had spread from there. He had several small spots around his chest and lung area as well. He went through radiation to try to get those spots so they could remove the kidney and hope all would be well. Of course, he was still stage IV and that was a bad sign, but Vic had always been an optimist and he wasn't going to let it get him down. Over the following months, he had so many setbacks. The first was in May when a tumor was growing in his C5 vertibrae and actually shattered the vertibrae. They didn't even know it was there before that. He had to have emergency surgery for that. I kept getting the feeling that the cancer was growing a lot faster than the doctors thought. Every time they would get one spot gone with the radiation, they would find another one. By the end of June, he was in so much pain and was on so many pain killers that he was out of his mind(literally)and his radiation oncologist told me he probably wouldn't make it to July. As a last resort, his regular oncologist put him on chemo to see how he would respond. Initially, he did great. It's like God gave him extra time and he got stronger and felt really good and cut back on the medications and he was acting like himself again. But, after two months, he started weakening again and the chemo didn't seem to help him much. I could see bumps on his body where tumors were. His last CT scan showed it had progressed and was mostly in his chest/lung area. It was frustrating. He was not a smoker or drinker and was the most wonderful person. But Vic kept optimistic and believed God was going to heal him. He never got bitter and never blamed God. He loved God so much and told me that he would love God even if He let him die. And he did just that, too. I have never seen someone die in such a positive way. He ended up getting pneumonia and went back into the hospital. Even there, though, he was positive and kept praising God. He was only comatose for the last couple of hours. I was grateful that he didn't have to drag on for a long period of time and that he went pretty quickly. I've been pretty strong through everything this year, including his death, but it's still so hard at times to deal with it. Being a widow at 42 was not in my plans! It was a second marriage for both of us and we both had children from our first marriages, so we had had our share of turmoil over the years, but we were so close and people always commented on how well we got along together. We had talked about retiring and growing old together one day. That's hard to think about now... "one day" is all gone for us! I do have a lot of good memories and lots of pictures, but I miss him so much. The house is so empty now and I'm not use to living alone. We had to have our dog put to sleep less than two weeks before Vic died, also, so now there are just 2 cats and me and it gets so lonely and quiet. The cats haven't adjusted to the change yet, either. I know things will get better. My aunt said that it gets easier, but the pain never totally goes away. I know I have to pick up and move on. Vic would not want me to be unhappy and he would want me to move on and be active in our church and do the things he wasn't able to do. It's hard some days, though, to even think so positively. I have a building full of tools and things that were his that I have absolutely no idea of what to do with. He told me to sell them, but I have no idea what they are even worth. So, it's things like that that are hard on me. If I ever decided to relocate, it would be a big job. My family lives up north and would love me to move back there, but Vic's family and the kids are all in this area and I have friends and great neighbors and work here, so I have no idea what I'll end up doing. I'm not even going to try to make that decision for quite a while. I just want to learn to deal with life as it is now. I know my situation is not much different than others even though at times I feel all alone. It's good to read here and know that I'm not alone and it's good to be able to "vent". Thanks for listening.