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iheartm

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  • Posts

    57
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Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Spouse
  • Date of Death
    December 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NY

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    NY
  • Interests
    Nothing these days.

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  1. I've asked Marty to delete my account so not to worry, I won't be "attacking" anyone anymore once she is back online. Thanks for refusing to even try to see any validity in anything I had to say and instead just jumped all over me accusing me of attacking. Feels great to have no family, no friends that are widows and no support groups to join.
  2. Sorry. I did not realize that expressing howI feel about something in my aggrieved condition would be considered "attacking" someone and being disrespectful and every other invective that's been thrown my way. I'll take Kay's advice and just "get out" to avoid upsetting everyone. Thanks for the support.
  3. See Marty's post on the previous page. Even she says there are other forums for people further down the line to discuss moving on. I'm sorry if you cannot understand that-- at least to me-- your attempts to be helpful are misguided because you are trying to help people who are brand new to this hell and are not receptive to help right now because of the overwhelming sadness, fear and loneliness that they feel. This was the only place I felt supported when I first got here. People posted how they were feeling and what they were going through rather than offering strategies that are impossible to process at this time. In any event, your tenure here is longer than mine and I've probably exhausted any chance of being supported here since you feel so insulted by my posts so I will bid you adieu, go gently into the night, and grieve in whatever way I have to in order to survive.
  4. The first line in the above post is my life as I'm sure it's the life of many here. I just don't think this particular forum-- which is heavily populated by those with very recent losses-- is the venue for giving back or trying to convey anything to people who just got here and are shellshocked beyond belief. We don't need to hear about hope and the future right now. We need to have support for what we are feeling right now in the moment. I know that I cannot muster the strength to think about anything other than the next hour because this is all so new. That's all I was trying to say. As Marty said, there are two other forums here for people further up the line to discuss how they are coping and realizing that life does go on so there is a place for those discussions. It would seem to me that that venue would be more appropriate for sharing strategies for moving on and discussing hope.
  5. I was not trying to be unkind. I was using a grief support board to convey how I was feeling when reading some posts from people who are further along and are not still in the raw emotional state that I am in. I had a friend who recently suggested that I meet a friend of hers for coffee. This lady had lost her spouse suddenly two years ago and my friend thought it would be good to chat with someone who has been there. So I met the lady for coffee and while she was nice and I appreciated her taking the time to offer to chat, I could not help but feel even worse that I have been feeling because she kept talking to me as if she is an authority on what one must do when their spouse dies because she's been on this road and is further along than I am. "You can't wallow in it, you can't continue to live in a pit of grief, you have to live on..." those types of things. Now obviously, I know all of those things need to happen. The issue is that I do not need to hear that right now. Maybe later, but offering them now just did not feel very supportive. I don't know if what I am saying makes sense. But there it is. And yes, I don't have many interests these days and for right now, for me, that has to be okay.
  6. Some of us are a short time out from a shell shocking tragic loss and comments like the above-- to me-- feel like they undermine my feelings of total grief and sorrow as if I am just bemoaning the situation and doing nothing to move forward. One size does not fit all. I come here to read how people are doing and coping with their own loss, not to be instructed how I'm supposed to act and feel. I got enough of that from real life people who have no clue what it's like.
  7. Option 2 is not something I think anyone here needs encouragement not to do. It's easier said than done though depending on at what point one is in their journey. We would not be here if giving up was something we wanted to do.
  8. I don’t fit in anywhere anymore. It used to be that I fit in at home and we had our routines. Now I have no routine. No one is waiting for me anymore. Friends’ routines have not changed so despite saying we can hang out and whatever, that’s not happening really because their life did not change and they have their own routines and stuff that they do. I’m sure they meant it when they said it, but the thing is, their life did not change so an upheaval in their social schedule to insert another person is not something easily accomplished when one has their own stuff to do. There is also that feeling that when someone calls you and says, “I have an hour free this morning if you want to get coffee,” that your first reaction is to recoil because it feels as though the person offering is doing it out of pity. It kind of feels like you are being slotted in somewhere, time limited, and I don’t know exactly why but that is distasteful to me. I know it is not meant that way but the person offering does not have the mindset that I do right now. I will never have the connection that I did with M again. Friends won’t be expecting me home at a particular time, they won’t call to check if I’m out longer than I was, they won’t greet me at the door. A cup of coffee will be just a cup of coffee. Seems my life is headed towards becoming a series of a la carte events and that’s just not going to fly for me.
  9. WolfsKat: If you are a widow, you can collect a portion of your deceased spouse's Social Security payments when you turn 60, I think it's about 70 percent. You will get more if you wait to collect until later on so you have to consider the timing. Usually, you have to wait until you are 62 but the widow thing changes that. You will need to provide your marriage license and other identification and cannot apply online for those benefits. That is why the person told you to visit an office. It probably takes a few months to kick in so they ask you to begin the process a few months before you turn 60. Gwenivere (she posts here) applied a few months before her 60th. If she sees this thread, she will probably reply. I do not know anything about SS Disability so how that enters the equation I'm not sure. It is important though that you go and speak to them because they will be able to tell you immediately what you are entitled to and when you can begin collecting it.
  10. It was four months ago today that we had to call 911. That means four months ago today I spoke my last words to him without knowing they would be the last. It has been a very rough day for me. Since yesterday I have been inconsolable. I am hesitant to reach out to friends anymore because even though they are very understanding, I think this was more an event for them to be sad and grieve and move on while for me it has been a life altering, never be the same again kind of thing. I cannot blame them for not having the intense grief that I have so I grieve alone and feel the weight crushing me to the core.
  11. Just updating that I received a letter in the mail that said, "You will soon receive [a payment]" because M was owed money. Whatever that means. In any case, as least I have a letter to back it up. Who cares anyway. I don't care about the money. I don't care about anything. He's not here. I just don't care about anything anymore.
  12. I am finding that I don't believe in anything anymore.
  13. Bill and Patty. I am sorry that you have to be here and we have to meet this way. I lost my husband in December very suddenly after a short hospital stay. It was one minute he was here, then he was gone. I had no warning and my last words to him were "I'll be right back." The road you have just stepped on will be very difficult. The people here are great. The best thing is that every single thing that you post here will be something that someone here has either gone through or is going through now. It makes you feel less alone to know that when you are losing it, you can open up a browser and come here. I know that does you no good now, but if you are like me, you will find yourself feeling a small bit of comfort to know that at any hour of the day, this board is here waiting to support you, let you vent, scream, cry, whatever.
  14. Thanks for posting such positive, upbeat messages, Janka. I sure can use them right about now...
  15. I have close friends but they have their own lives and families. The idea of burdening them with my troubles is not appealing. Granted, if I needed help with something at home or whatever, of course I would ask them, but this is life we're talking about here. Friends should not have to shoulder the burden of watching out for me to the degree that M would have. So I worry because with no family I am all alone. Flying solo through the madness with nothing to take his place. I don't feel like doing anything. I have no one to talk about stuff with: the news, the crazy weather we are having, how things are going at work, some funny thing I saw today. Nothing. It is all gone. Again, I can talk to friends but it's not the same. It just isn't. This board is my only outlet. People here understand and don't offer suggestions to not think about it, or try to move on, or find a hobby, or tell me they know what I'm going through when they have not a clue.
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