I am thankful that I found this forum. I just started reading the posts last week and realized that this is what I have been looking for -- people who understood what I am going through, regardless if the loss was just recently or even longer. It’s only been more than two months since my loss, and I have been finding ways to cope in my own way. I find solace in being quiet, crying by myself, remembering the good memories, or just talking about those with my children, and listening to theirs too.
I am finding it hard to respond to close friends. Especially because I don’t think they understand exactly what I am going through. Although I know they meant well, I take offense when I hear things like this --“I know what you are going through, I understand, or I know you are very strong woman and you’ll get through this, or you should pick up yourself now and start moving on,” etc.
I have not spoken to any of my close friends live -- just through a couple of texts and personal messages because their mere “hi, how are you doing?” brings tears to my eyes. I feel so sorry for myself. Can’t people understand that I just lost a spouse? A husband of 30+ years. I wanted to ask them -- How can you understand the loneliness and emptiness that I feel when it never happened to you?
I am usually a happy person. I joke around, I laugh so hard -- at simple jokes -- I make people laugh. People think I am funny -- I know I am funny. But I lost all that recently. I don’t even want to smile. I don’t want to reach out to my friends because I don’t think they will understand. And how will they understand if they do not know what I am going through? Should I ask them “do you know how it feels to just think about the same person over and over again 24/7 and realizing that that person is gone -- permanently, and you can no longer see him, and the only thing that you can feel is emptiness -- that nothing means anything to you, because you feel so alone?”
I feel I am being rude. That I owe them an explanation why I don’t pick up the phone when they call, or why I do not respond to any of their text messages. I know they just wanted to know how I am doing. However, I would rather get a message that says “I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.” The truth is I really just want to be left alone for now because I have not come around yet. How long? I don’t know. And I cannot move on yet. At the same time, obviously, I don’t want to lose them as a friend. I just want them to understand that I am not the same person because I just suffered an unexpected loss -- a tragedy and I was taken off guard. And with this, I am trying very hard but the norm is not happening anytime soon because every night, when I am alone, every moment when I remember him, I break down. Yes, it is exhausting, but I want to do that myself.