brat#2

Another "trigger" today, it's Dale's birthday, the 4th one alone. I guess I'm sort of getting use to the triggers or scare tissue is starting to form. The last 3 years I was a total mess today, but this morning I woke up and wished him a Happy Birthday and then thought of his smile as I would hand him his card first thing in the morning and then how we would spend all day deciding where he would want to go to dinner that night. Of course, I have cried on and off so far today in remembering that and thinking of how sad it is that I'm probably the only one who remembers today is his birthday. I love this day, as it was the day he was brought into this world and eventually met me and we fell in love. I do hate that the word trigger has become a constant part of our lives now, every day there is at least one trigger that sets me off, but knowing that you all know that feeling, makes it a little easier. Happy Birthday, my love and as long as I'm alive, I will celebrate you on this day (and everyday) and love you and cherish you.

Katie, like the others said, there are no words. I too hope you have someone to lean on, you have been through so much. We are here for you.

My thoughts are with you today, sending you hugs!

Polly, oh my goodness, that looks awful and so sorry this happened. You both are in my thoughts and prayers that she recovers quickly. Hugs

Tom, their birthdays are so hard (along with all the other days of the year!) You are in my thoughts today, hugs.

Thank all of you for your kind responses. I know all of us are going through our own struggles, whether it's emotional, physical or both and it's so easy to forget you are not the only one and that you are not alone. This site is wonderful in helping you to not feel alone. Gwen, I know most days I don't feel strong, but when you think about it, we are ALL strong each in our own way to get through another day. Hugs, Joyce

Right after Dale passed away, I started a letter to him. I've been keeping it going and write to him on special occasions and just when something happens. It somehow makes feel more connected to him, even though I talk to him all the time. Today has been 3 years since he left this life and I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about and know how I feel, so here is a little part of what I wrote him today: "Sure the holidays, birthdays, anniversary are hard without you, but it's the little "everyday" things that you did that I miss the most. The way you would come up behind me and give me a hug when I was cooking or doing the dishes; when we were watching TV at night and sitting on our respective couches depending on which way I was facing you, you would lay your hand on my arm or hold my foot; when we would go for a motorcycle ride or to friends for a BBQ, I would french braid my long hair down to my neck and you would finish braiding the rest of my hair (regular braiding) so that I would have a nice even straight braid (cause I hated crooked braids); you would always hold my hand when we were walking through a parking lot into a store or when we were in a crowded place; when I was working outside the home, you would call me when you got home from work always earlier than me to let me know you were home and that you loved me; when I started working from home and would be in my office working, I would catch you peeking around the door jam watching me work; how proud and excited you would be when I got an award at work or finished some craft thing I had been working on; you would always find me no matter what I was doing, even sleeping, to kiss me goodbye when you left the house no matter how long you were going to be gone; when you came home you would immediately say "Hi Brat" when you walked in the door; you teasing me, hearing your great one liners and the nick names you use to call me; I would catch you just looking at me for no reason (at the time that would drive me crazy) but sure miss it now. There are so many more that made up our daily life (but hard to remember and write down through the tears)that made me feel special, loved, adored and wanted. I would give anything to have all that back, to hear your voice, see your face, feel your touch, but all I can do now is love you with all my heart, miss you with all my heart and soul and hope that I will see you again someday. I was hoping that moving closer to your girls and my family would make things easier and I would feel less lonely and mean something to someone and in some ways it has, but you are not here and I guess, even though it's been 3 years, it's still too soon to feel from others the love and comfort that I felt from you. I know you would love the new place and that you would be happy that I'm closer to family and in a safer environment, but I really wish you could be here" I sure do miss him!!

Cookie, I'm so sorry, I know how much it hurts to lose a fur baby. Hugs, Joyce

Ana and Cookie, it will be year 3 for me in 10 days and I just wanted to say I can relate to what both of you said. It is as if I wrote what I'm feeling in what you both said myself. I just hope there is some hope out there eventually too. Hugs, Joyce

You are in my thoughts today Kay, (hope you are feeling better) Hugs

Hope you feel better soon and hope the meds start working. Sending you hugs!

Cookie, I know exactly what you are feeling and saying. Sending you hugs and will be thinking of you. Joyce

Marie You are in my thoughts today as these "certain" dates are so hard no matter how long it has been. Hope you find a little peace and comfort today, Hugs!, Joyce

Your in my thoughts, sending you hugs.

Gwen I completely get it and understand the pain and how it feels when you see things like that. When I unpacked my evacuation boxes (that I had packed a month after Dale left and was still numb) here at my new place, it was very difficult and even though I was crying looking at everything (cards, letters, pictures) I couldn't keep myself from doing it. Sending you hugs, Joyce