Hi- I am a 61 year old man, and lost my mom who was 92 in September of 2015, five months ago. From Feb. through September, we (my wife and I) were taking care of her. We moved to L.A. to be nearer to her, and then she became ill. We had a horrible 7 months and then lost her. So, I find myself in a difficult place with lot's of loss: loss of previous community, friends, house, surroundings, nature, peace and quiet, work, all in addition to Mom. Towards the end, I became burned-out and over stressed. I started taking medication In November. I became anxious and depressed. It is now several months later, and I still find that I cannot tolerate any stress. I used to do difficult work, supervise lot's of details, negotiate difficult agreements, and manage a lot of stress. Now, I can't stand even the thought of having the slightest conflict or responsibility. I cannot tolerate noise or traffic and am interested in nothing. I haven't had a sense of humor since before my mom died. I feel sad and stressed all the time. I am looking for a good therapist as well as a grief support group.
I have been reading posts on this site for about a month. Sometimes, that is all I have the strength to do, and I feel less like there is 'something wrong with me' when I read others' posts. What prompted me to write today is that I have some responsibilities that I am tending to, and I find myself almost completely incapable of addressing them. Although I am not taking on any projects, I already have some responsibilities hat are ongoing with my work. I find it almost impossible to care about any of the details that, historically, I paid hours of attention to. I worked for hours on contracts in the past, and now I avoid even ten minutes of work for days, and when I begin to do it, I find it almost impossible. Having to focus on these details seems meaningless and futile, and becomes painful. I avoid paying bills for weeks. I have little to do, and am almost constantly worrying about the future and what I will do with the rest of my life, as I decided that I did not want to continue with the career that I have successfully pursued for about 30 years. But, I find that although I think about other possibilities, after I stop thinking about them, I realize that I have absolutely no energy for anything, and zero resilience. Previously I would have been the last-man-standing. Now, I can barely stand at all, or I have zero interest in getting involved with anything. At the same time, I am extremely lonely.
I am in a L.A. (Van Nuys area) , but have no friends here, and cannot find one drop-in grief group within a 20 minute drive. My tolerance for a longer drive is almost zero, as the traffic is heavy and I quickly begin to feel hopeless. My nerves are so shot that having to deal with traffic is a huge issue, and I'd rather stay home, and then, of course, I get depressed. When I can't tolerate 1% of the workload or stress that I used to handle, I sometimes become frightened that I will never be able to handle anything again. While I realize that everyone has their own time needs when dealing with grief, it is scary to be 5 months down the road, and still have no tolerance or reserve for any stress. And, if I take on any responsibility, I get anxious, but if I don't, then I also feel anxious because I am afraid that I will never regain enough strength to function. I have read enough posts to realize that everyone will respond with the idea that it can take a long time, and everyone grieves at their own pace. I just don't know that I am even 'grieving'....... I am not sure what I am going through: depression, grief, breakdown, or what, and I realize that all of his is probably involved. I am not sure what I am seeking; I just know that I became anxious today while trying to deal with some work, and it scared me. At this age, there must be millions of people going through similar things, and yet there is no drop-in grief group around, and it is very difficult to go through this 'alone', even though my wife is very understanding and supportive. There is so much stress with what I am going through, that she needs a group to go to as someone dealing with a spouse that is having such a hard time. It is frightening to think that I could go from having a 'normal' life, to this type of dysfunction. I know: there will be a 'new normal'. But it is hard to imagine that I will ever achieve that. Thanks.
