strength-seeker

Hi Charlie, I've actually been going through the same struggle: trying to stay positive. A teacher of mine suggested I keep a new journal of all the things I accomplish in a day. (since my current one seems to be filled with all the things I can't do) I know it seems like we don't always get a lot done, but we do. Did you get out of bed today? Did you get dressed? Did you make a pot of coffee? Go to work? Talk to a friend on the phone? Come on here to share with people? All of these are important things that we do and you can't just blow them off because... well because this is damn hard and we have to give ourselves credit for getting through it. And by waking up, you're getting through it. So try it. Write down everying you accomplish tomorrow. (Don't forget bathing... it's an important one ) I just started doing it Tuesday and so far it's been a nice lil extra boost. Hope it helps!

Oh Lori, I ache when I read your post. It sounds so familar. I've also had/have that waiting feeling. For me, I feel like I'm waiting to get things right. Waiting to know how to handle it, how to move on. Waiting till I feel normal again... I don't know if it ever happens. Maybe it's us waiting for that person to come back. Waiting for the hurt that is so deep inside us, so much a part of our very core to go away. I don't think it ever does. I think death is like a burn mark on peice of beautiful wood furniture - at first it's all you can see, but then you realize it's just as beautiful and still works like a charm, yet that mark never goes away.

Sharing your story is advice for me to keep being strong, so thank you. I'm tired right now and don't really have anything profound or even just merely thoughtful to say. I appreciate everyone here so much. And I send you love.

Quiltcat, I understand your confusion over losing an abusive parent. Although my mother was never physically abusive with me, when she drank she was sometimes verbally abusive. As well the drinking alone felt like betrayal and a kind of hurt that I still can't seem to forgive, even now that she's gone. One of the things I try to do when thinking about the past and some of the things that happened is thinking of my mother as a person seperate from me. I'll never understand her alcoholic mind - I hope - but maybe if I separate the alcoholic from the mother I can eventually come to terms with everything. At the same time, it was my mother who said those things. You were so right about it hurting forever. And I often struggle with the concept of forgiveness and what exactly it means and feels like. Hopefully in time we'll be able to share what it means and feels like for us. All the best

I'm torn. I'm torn between who I think I should be, who I think I am, and who I want to be. Suddenly every decision I make holds so much importance. I don't just feel sad anymore, I feel depressed and devastated. I'm not just making bad choices anymore, I'm self-destructive. And I'm never actually happy. Sometimes I think I just like to throw myself a pity party and that I'm just letting myself sink into this abyss because it's easier, and other times I scare myself with how distant I am with the world. Does anyone else feel like they're going crazy? I'm 22 years old and this is just too much for me. My mom wasn't supposed to die. Everything I do now has so much meaning. Every time I make a choice means I'm giving up or fighting through it and I'm sick of it. If I decide to drink with friends I don't want it to mean that I'm giving up, but that's what it feels like. Everytime I do something I don't think is appropriate, I feel like I'm failing. Why am I suddenly so afraid of failure? And not the noticable kind. Not the "failing school" kind, but the, I've-failed-myself kind, which is, arguably, worse. I'm sorry. This is my first post, and I'm definitely rambling extremely incoherently. My mom died. A year and a half ago. I thought I was doing okay until this past summer. I lived alone. I had a lot of time to myself and I became really sad. Now I'm confused. I feel overwhelmed and conflicted by the littlest thing. I know time is a key factor... but I don't think I have it in me. I'm tired of telling people I'm good, when I want to yell at them for even asking me, ya know? I'm glad I found this place. I read your posts and my heart aches for you, and I cry for you and the people you've lost and I feed off your strength in hopes that you'll feed off mine.