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Everything posted by Polly

  1. I don't want to be Ms. Fix it either! Although I'm pretty good at it. Most of the time. I have to say in the past 11 months that I have fixed a lot of things that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do. My 25 year old step son was kind of shocked about a few of them. I hate asking for help. Although today I finally go around to cleaning the pellet stove to get it ready for when I need to start it up. I still need to clean the pipe. I have never done it myself. Last year my step son always did it for me. I thought about trying to do it myself but my daughter told me to ask Kyle (my step son). So I guess I will ask him to do it. ugh! Does anyone else hate having to do all these things that their loved one did? I know I do. I hate having to take the trash down to the end of the driveway every week. I hate taking care of all the outside stuff. I hate cleaning the litter boxes. I always say to myself, this is NOT my job!!!! but now it is. I just hate it!
  2. Oh I felt like I could have cried all day but I was at work and I don't like to cry in front of people. My co-workers tried to stay away from me. They knew I was not in the mood.
  3. Mitch, Thanks. I sure hope so. I'm only at 10 and a half months.
  4. Yesterday as I was driving to work Garth Brooks song, "The Dance" came on the radio. It made me burst out crying. Got to work and tried to pull myself together. It didn't really work that well. I was supposed to work from 830am-2pm then I was to leave and go to a meeting an hour and a half away. This meeting was for people that they feel should move up in the company. As the day went on I was still in a horrible place. I just wanted to go home. When 2pm rolled around, instead of leaving for the meeting I went into the office and just told the Asst. store mgr the truth. I fought back the tears but told her there was no way that I was in a good place to go. I told her that if I can't give 110% that I wasn't going to try to move up in the company right now. She told me I didn't have to go. It's crazy how 1 song pulled me down for the whole day.
  5. Butch, It must be that kind of day. I'm really struggling right now as well. I also feel guilty that I didn't push 2 different hospitals that brushed off Richard's pain and did absolutely nothing to check to see what was causing his back pain. Not sure if it would have made a difference or not. I hate going to bed each night. I miss him being beside me and holding me every night.
  6. I'm starting to think that you all here are my only friends. Or should I say my only friends that get it. I was just on FB and I have 7 friends that also have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis that we have a group chat everyday. We have had this daily group chat for years. I find myself lately just reading about their day and not responding much. some days not at all. I feel like I can't really say what I want to say because I don't want to sound like a "Debbie Downer". Some days I do tell them about my day or how i'm feeling. Today one of them was saying about how bad her year has been. I just wanted to post, " really? you should be thankful that you still have your husband." another one was just complaining about not be able to sleep because her husband was snoring. That brought me to tears. I wished my husband was snoring right beside me. The worst is when I do say something and they tell me that things will get better. Really? How is it going to get better? How do you tell your friends that you are hurting so much and it doesn't go away?
  7. I did one of the hardest things almost 3 months ago. I traded in Rich's Dodge Nitro and my truck for a brand new Jeep Cherokee. My truck was 10 years old and the suv was 9 years old. I had to do it. They both needed repairs and I simply couldn't keep up with both of them. I thought about it for months. Finally just decided that I needed to do it. It was hard. Almost cried when I was in the dealership. I think it helped me get a good deal though. I know Richard would have been happy for me. It was the first time ever that I bought a brand new vehicle by myself. Marita, I'm so sorry about your horse. (((HUGS)))
  8. (((((HUGS)))))) I know how hard this day is for you. Conner is very handsome.
  9. I have to say that I'm very close to my mother and father in-law. Although my mother in-law thinks I need a new man to take of me. (rolls eyes.) I'm also very close with one of my sister in laws and her husband. Rich's brother and sister that lives on both sides of me, I'm sure they would help if I asked. It would have to be a last resort for me because they never really cared about me when Richard was alive. My step-son will do anything for me. If he can't, he will find someone that can. Richard's ex-wife and her boyfriend would help me if I asked them also. I am thankful for that because all my family lives 4 hours away.
  10. I wish I did too. Well, I have had several things happen in the past but not in awhile.
  11. Marg, I'm going through the same thing. It was this time last year when Rich started complaining about his back hurting. We both didn't think much of it because we both have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. My oldest daughter messaged me on Monday night and told me that she was really having a hard time about her step-dad not being here. I thought about it and then it hit me. We are coming up on her wedding anniversary and that has triggered her grief. Richard proudly walked her down the aisle. I gave her the number to the hospice bereavement dept. and she called the next day and went and talked to someone. I also signed up yesterday for a grief support group that will meet nearby starting Oct. 5. It's every Wed. evening for 8 weeks. The lady that is running it, lost her young son in a terrible accident about 6 years ago. She almost lost her husband at the same time. Nicole and I joined a gym a few weeks ago. I have been taking it slow because of the arthritis though. I just figured it was better than sitting here doing nothing in the evenings. It takes my mind off of things......until we get back home. Terri, I also have that problem of people saying stupid stuff about my weight loss. It's like we don't know we lost the weight. I usually just say, "I know and my dr. isn't concerned about it." I've lost about 30lbs in the past 10 months. I have leveled off at 120lbs. I had to buy all new clothes and I have a terrible time finding pants small enough!
  12. Exactly! Today is a hard day for me. Not only is today 10 months but also a holiday. I don't usually get many holidays off but I am off today. I keep thinking how happy that would have made Rich. He hated that I worked weekends and most holidays. We didn't have many days that we were off together but when we did we enjoyed them so much. I have been trying my best to go and do things but they just are not the same. I try not to upset myself about it but we all know how that goes. My daughter and I joined a gym recently. The other night when we were driving back home from there she said to me, "We never would have joined the gym if Rich was still here." And she is probably right. So I guess I am trying to move forward and find my way. It's just so hard sometimes though.
  13. Butch, I am so sorry. I'm really lost for words. Just know we are here for you.
  14. I lived in Orlando in 2004. My girls both get freaked out now if it gets really windy. It brings back those memories of the hurricanes that year. Now I live in Pa. Hopefully we will only get a little bit of wind and a little bit of rain. Didn't watch the 11pm news. hopefully it's still staying south of us.
  15. I think you did what you thought was best for your family. Nothing wrong with that. I'm sure going back to the house really did trigger things. HUGS to you.
  16. Hi Kim, My husband died suddenly almost 10 months ago. I really didn't cry much in the beginning. I really think I was in too much shock. I also think part of the not crying so much is because I hate to cry around other people and I have a 16 year old daughter at home. Everyone handles it differently. There's no wrong way.
  17. That picture made me smile. You can just fell the love. Last week, Aug 16 would have been Rich and I's 9th anniversary. Those special days are so hard.
  18. Thanks Kay and Marty. Monday was a better day. I picked Nicole up from her friends after I got up, she actually texted me before I woke up and wanted to come home. This evening when I was driving home from work, I was thinking about how lonely I am. Also how no ones checks up on me anymore. My step-son used to stop over at least once a week right after Rich passed away. I hadn't seen or talked to him in over a month. He comes and mows the lawn but he usually does that on the weekends when I'm at work. Anyway, I really miss him coming over. So I get home and usually on Wed. night, I walk down to the end of the driveway and bring the trash can back up. Tonight I got home and started cleaning up some things in the basement. I had the bilco doors open to let in some fresh air. Rich's computer is in the basement because that was his man cave. I ended up sitting in the basement on his computer and just reading on here. Next thing I know, my step son comes down the bilco stairs. He got home( he lives on the main road in front of me and I live on the side road.) and saw the trash can and decided to bring it up the driveway for me. He stayed and talked to me for a good while. I really needed that. He suggested that I call and get my oil tank filled before winter. The heating oil prices are low right now. He also asked if I ordered my pellets yet for the pellet stove and told me that he and his cousin would get them down in the basement whenever they deliver them. I am truly blessed to him in my life.
  19. Gin, I agree, the triggers are so very tiring. They always catch me off guard or when I'm least expecting them. Just when you think you are doing so good......and "bam", it gets you every darn time.
  20. Today has been another rough day. I was on vacation last week and today was my first day back at work. I work at a grocery store. I was scheduled at 12pm. Got there to find out that I had to go to a meeting. So I went to the conference room. The lady that was giving the meeting mentioned that earlier this morning that a 42 year old women that was shopping, collapsed up by the front of the store and died. It upset me. Then during the meeting Janet brought up some things that really were making me tear up. For instance she was talking about how her grandfather would write his wife a little love note everyday. All I could think about was how Richard would text me every single morning with "good morning my love. you mean the world to me. " Right at the end of the meeting she said something else and I just lost it. She came over to me and hugged me and asked why I was crying. She didn't know about Richard because she was transferred to the store back in December. So I pull myself together and go back to work. Then when I took my break there was a message from one of my psoriasis friends. One of our long time psoriasis friends had passed away this morning. Yep, crying again. Got off work at 9:15pm and came home to an empty house. Nicole is spending the night at a friends house. I hate coming home to no one here. been sitting here crying some more. Gosh, I hope tomorrow is a better day with less crying. my eyes hurt. plus it's just so exhausting.
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