Polly

I think you did what you thought was best for your family. Nothing wrong with that. I'm sure going back to the house really did trigger things. HUGS to you.

Hi Kim, My husband died suddenly almost 10 months ago. I really didn't cry much in the beginning. I really think I was in too much shock. I also think part of the not crying so much is because I hate to cry around other people and I have a 16 year old daughter at home. Everyone handles it differently. There's no wrong way.

That picture made me smile. You can just fell the love. Last week, Aug 16 would have been Rich and I's 9th anniversary. Those special days are so hard.

Thanks Kay and Marty. Monday was a better day. I picked Nicole up from her friends after I got up, she actually texted me before I woke up and wanted to come home. This evening when I was driving home from work, I was thinking about how lonely I am. Also how no ones checks up on me anymore. My step-son used to stop over at least once a week right after Rich passed away. I hadn't seen or talked to him in over a month. He comes and mows the lawn but he usually does that on the weekends when I'm at work. Anyway, I really miss him coming over. So I get home and usually on Wed. night, I walk down to the end of the driveway and bring the trash can back up. Tonight I got home and started cleaning up some things in the basement. I had the bilco doors open to let in some fresh air. Rich's computer is in the basement because that was his man cave. I ended up sitting in the basement on his computer and just reading on here. Next thing I know, my step son comes down the bilco stairs. He got home( he lives on the main road in front of me and I live on the side road.) and saw the trash can and decided to bring it up the driveway for me. He stayed and talked to me for a good while. I really needed that. He suggested that I call and get my oil tank filled before winter. The heating oil prices are low right now. He also asked if I ordered my pellets yet for the pellet stove and told me that he and his cousin would get them down in the basement whenever they deliver them. I am truly blessed to him in my life.

Yep, right there with you. It's the worst.

Gin, I agree, the triggers are so very tiring. They always catch me off guard or when I'm least expecting them. Just when you think you are doing so good......and "bam", it gets you every darn time.

Today has been another rough day. I was on vacation last week and today was my first day back at work. I work at a grocery store. I was scheduled at 12pm. Got there to find out that I had to go to a meeting. So I went to the conference room. The lady that was giving the meeting mentioned that earlier this morning that a 42 year old women that was shopping, collapsed up by the front of the store and died. It upset me. Then during the meeting Janet brought up some things that really were making me tear up. For instance she was talking about how her grandfather would write his wife a little love note everyday. All I could think about was how Richard would text me every single morning with "good morning my love. you mean the world to me. " Right at the end of the meeting she said something else and I just lost it. She came over to me and hugged me and asked why I was crying. She didn't know about Richard because she was transferred to the store back in December. So I pull myself together and go back to work. Then when I took my break there was a message from one of my psoriasis friends. One of our long time psoriasis friends had passed away this morning. Yep, crying again. Got off work at 9:15pm and came home to an empty house. Nicole is spending the night at a friends house. I hate coming home to no one here. been sitting here crying some more. Gosh, I hope tomorrow is a better day with less crying. my eyes hurt. plus it's just so exhausting.

Tideland, I'm so sorry about your husband and everything that happened. I lost my husband very quickly. It took the hospital 7 days to figure out what was wrong. Richard was gone 46 hours later. It was all so shocking and overwhelming. No time to process any of it. It has been 9 and a half months since that day.

Yep, the sadness is always there. No matter how hard I try at times to go and have some fun, the sadness is still there. I also at times have someone at work ask me if I'm ok. I usually say something similar to what you did Mitch. Then I think to myself, does my grief really show that much? I guess it does.

Butch, You are not crazy. I worry about when my youngest daughter turns 18. She is my mini-me. I know once she graduates from high school that it won't be long before she moves out. That scares me because then I will be alone. I hate nights when I let her spend the night with a friend or her older sister. Well I have 2 years before this could happen.

Joyce, I'm a little late replying but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I know how hard today must have been for you.

Terri, So sorry it's been 1 thing after another. I hate when that happens. Although I'm pretty good at fixing most things. I have really shocked my step-son in the past 9 months. He always tells me to call or text him if I need help with something. He does cut my grass for me. I have no clue how to use that lawnmower. that thing is huge. It's called the tank. LOL.

Marg, So sorry to hear about your mom. Sending you a big hug!!!

Today is 9 months for me. I'm trying to stay busy but that is hard. I think I need someone to give me a push out of this chair. This sucks.

I have to say that when I moved from Florida to Pa with my 2 girls to be with Richard it was hard at first. It took some time for everyone to adjust. We got married less than 2 years later. Things were pretty good but Richard was a drinker. Like he drank beer everyday. As the years went on it got to the point that he would come home from work and drink a lot in a short period of time. I never really realized how much he was drinking until things got bad. Then I started to try to take notice to how many beers he was drinking and I was shocked. The night of my youngest daughters 14th birthday we went out to dinner. That night after we got home he said he wasn't feeling well and wanted me to take him to the ER. I did and they ran some tests and wanted to keep him but he refused and wanted to come home. He wanted to come home because he couldn't drink if he was in the hospital. Well a couple of days went by and he wasn't any better. I remember it was a Thursday and I needed to go to the store. He was in the basement(which is where his man cave was and his beer). I came down to tell him I was going to the store and he was drinking and tried to hide it from me. I told him that if he keep drinking that it was going to kill him and I left. By the time I got home he decided that it was time to stop. and he dumped all the beer down the drain. The next morning I took him back to the ER. This time he agreed to stay. He had pancreatitis from the drinking. He was in really bad shape. He spent a week in the hospital and I didn't know if he was going to make it. He did. When I brought him home he could barely walk because he was so weak. This is when I had to tell him that he could never have another drink or else it would kill him. He never did have another beer. He wanted to live. He was so proud of himself and so was I. I loved the sober Richard. Then exactly 1 year and 11 months later he was gone.

I'm right there with you -Robin, Joyce and Gin. This past week has been awful. I'm having anxiety over the fact that this Friday is the 9 month mark. I've been so depressed that I can barely make myself do the everyday things that need to be done.

Patty, Sending you a big hug!!!! I know tomorrow will be hard but like you said, it's what you need to do for the business.

I still sleep in our bed. I still usually sleep on my side of the bed. When I roll over towards Rich's side of the bed, I usually grab his pillow and hug it.

I feel the same way. I should be in bed. I hate going to bed.

I have had unexplainable things happen since Richard has passed. The most recent one happened the other day. My daughter and I were getting ready to go somewhere. I was standing in the kitchen waiting for her. I was facing the living room and the temperature on the a/c unit kept going back and forth between 73 and 74. Nicole walked out to where I was and I pointed to it. She saw it going back and forth. I said, "it's Richard!". Sure enough it stopped. I think it was his way of letting us know he is with us.

That is great news! I'm happy for you.

I agree with everything Kay said. I only have 1 daughter at home now. She is 16 and has made the comment to me that she doesn't want me to be with another man. Luckily for her, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I do go out occasionally with a friend. I think it's good to go out with another adult from time to time. Also as Kay mentioned, in a few years my youngest will probably be leaving the nest and then I'm going to be alone. I do worry about that a lot. I was so looking forward to it being just Rich and I and now I'm dreading when that time comes.

Marg, I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

I really try to do fun things and stuff that I enjoy. It's just not the same. Sometimes I do have a good time for a little while but then it just goes back to the sadness. I just got back from the beach yesterday. The 1st day we got there, it was just me and my 16 year old daughter. Shortly after we were walking the boardwalk, it hit both of us. I thought we both were going to have a breakdown. We didn't have Rich there making his jokes and having us laughing. The next day 3 of my sisters and my daughter and her husband got there. We did try to have fun and at times we did but at the same time I just kept thinking about Rich and how much he loved family time. It's just so hard.

Enjoy the weekend Butch. Hope you have a safe trip home. Nicole and I are leaving in the morning for the beach. We will have tomorrow to ourselves. My older daughter and husband plus 3 of my sisters, brother in law and my oldest sisters grand daughter will arrive on Sunday. I'm excited but also my heart is aching at the same time. Richard loved our vacations. He looked forward to spending that time with us. I'm also nervous about making the drive. Richard always drove us. Not sure why I'm nervous because I have made many trips by myself.