Yesterday was my 50th birthday. It should have been a happy day being spoiled by my husband. I tried so hard to cheer myself up, it didn't work. I just felt sad all day. I had decided a few days before that I was going to go to the casino. Richard and I would go for special occasions. We enjoyed it. We never would spend very much money and only stayed an hour or two tops. So yesterday morning came and it was raining. I tried to talk myself out of going. I managed to go. I ended up crying on the way there. Almost turned around and came home but didn't. It just felt so lonely there. I ended up leaving with $200 more than I went with and usually that would make my day. Nope, wasn't excited at all.
Today is the 5 month mark since he passed. In some ways it feels like that was yesterday and in other ways it seems so long ago. It's still so hard to believe that he is gone. Six months ago we were preparing for my oldest daughters wedding. Richard was fine. The day before her wedding Rich was saying his back was hurting. This wasn't anything unusual because we both have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. He went to his dr. and he gave him muscle relaxers. The next day, Oct. 9, 2015 he walked our daughter down the aisle. Two days later I got a call from my younger daughter saying Richard had fell and he couldn't get up. I was at work and rushed home. By that time he had gotten up but he was in so much pain. We took him to the ER. The dr. didn't check him for anything. Just said it was his sciatica and sent him home. A little over a week later he drove to work and when he went to get out he fell to the ground. His co-worker found him and called 911. He went by ambulance to a different hospital and same thing happened. They didn't check him for anything. Just told him it was his sciatica and sent him home. The following Sat. I came home from work and Rich just didn't sound like himself. I figured he was still taking the muscle relaxers and thought that was why. From that point everyday he just seemed more and more unlike himself. So much so that on Monday evening I asked him what meds he was taking. He told me none. My heart sank. I knew something was really wrong. By Tuesday night things were so bad that I hide his car keys so he wouldn't go to work the next day. I had already called and made an appointment with his dr for Wed. By Wed morning Rich was in bad shape. He didn't even know how to flush the toilet, he didn't know how to make his coffee. He put his shoes on but they were on the wrong feet and he didn't even know it. I called his dr and they told me to take him to the ER. They couldn't figure out what was causing this. I just wanted them to fix him. They ran all kind of tests and still I had no answers. Everyday he just kept getting worse. By Friday night they transferred him to a different hospital. By Sunday we were feeding him because he could not do that himself. The dr's never figured it out until Tues. afternoon. He had 3 tumors, 1 in his lung, kidney and liver. The dr. told us that the cancers were fighting each other and caused this very rare neurological thing. There was no way to stop it. Rich's sister and I were the only ones there when we got the news. I then had to go home and tell my kids and family. The following evening he was transferred to hospice. That was Wed. night. Thursday morning my youngest daughter who was 15 at the time and I went to be with Rich. He passed that day at a little after 2pm. It all happened so fast. He waited until all his friends and family that was there that day to leave. It was just Nicole and I there with him. I think he wanted it that way. Sorry for the long post but I just felt the need to share my story.