Polly

Sherbear,

I went back to work less than 2 weeks after Rich passed. I was the same way. I couldn't focus at all. I felt I had to just do it. It was really hard. I also felt I had to because I was worried about not being able to pay the bills. I still worry about that because my husband made a lot more money than me.

Those pictures are beautiful!!!! Thanks for sharing. I didn't realize we are about the same place in this hell. It will be 6 months for me in 19 days.

Yes, I know how you feel. I had the same thing happen the day of Rich's funeral. That morning I went on fb when I got up. The first thing I saw was.....You have been friends with Rich on fb for 7 years. How weird is that? Brought me to tears instantly.

On ‎4‎/‎7‎/‎2016 at 7:07 PM, WolfsKat said:

I TOTALLY understand this........it is what I feel daily......the ONE person you'd want to share with is gone.....no one else would get it, or care, the way they would've.

I couldn't agree any more. I hate coming home from work. Rich always got home before me and as soon as I got home we would sit down and just talk about our day. I miss that so much.

Kevin,

Thanks for the reminder that I can look things up on youtube. I always forget about that.

Well.....I did it! I change out all the inside parts of the toilet. All by myself. The box said it would take 35 minutes. Well it took me an hour and I did get some water on the floor. But I got it done.

Yes, I'm definitely winging it.

I was off yesterday and I feel like I had wasted all morning doing nothing. I just can't seem to make myself get up and do anything. I just sit here. I have so much that I want/need to do but just can't move. When my daughter got home from school we decided to go shopping. I needed to get parts to replace the inside thing on the toilet. Just not sure if I can figure out how to replace it myself but I'm going to try. Also stopped at the mall and spent my birthday money on some new clothes. Really needed them because I have lost so much weight from the medicine I'm on. Anyways, we get home and I stop and get the mail. There was a letter from the place that I got Rich's headstone from. In it was a statement with the balance that I owe and also a picture of the headstone at the cemetery. The rest of the evening, all I did was cry. I haven't been able to go there since that day. It's only up the street but I just can't go there. it's just too much. Nicole asked if we were going to go see it. I told her we would one day this week. I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I think going just makes it so real. if that makes any sense.

Anthony,

I also met Rich online through a psoriasis forum. I had never met him in person when I moved from Florida to Pa to be with him. My family thought I was crazy and were so worried about me until they met him. I was 39 and he was 42 at the time. It was one month short of 10 years since the day my girls and I moved here that he died. I'm so sorry you never got to meet Crystal in person.

Andre,

Those are beautiful! So many wonderful memories of your Margaret. Thank you for sharing.

Hi Shannon,

I'm fairly new here myself. I lost my husband 5 months ago. You are right, nothing is the same. Nothing will even be the same. This truly is the hardest thing that I ever had to go through.

Marty,

that made me laugh! it is so true!

I can not watch Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune anymore. Rich always watched those 2 shows every night. He always had us laughing with some of his answers.

From the time we were told what was wrong and going on with him, it was less than 48 hours and he was gone.

One of my sisters( I have 6 of them) has been my biggest supporters. She lost her husband 6 years ago. So she gets it. I just wished I wasn't so far away from my family. They are 3 and a half hours away. I really don't want to stay here. Not sure I can stay here financially. My youngest daughter is 16 and really wants to finish high school here. Just not sure I can hold out that long. My sister and I have been talking about getting a place together. I think that would be good for both of us. I would love to be close to my sisters and my mom. There's just too many details to sort out for that to happen and right now I'm lucky to figure out just day to day stuff right now.

Yesterday was my 50th birthday. It should have been a happy day being spoiled by my husband. I tried so hard to cheer myself up, it didn't work. I just felt sad all day. I had decided a few days before that I was going to go to the casino. Richard and I would go for special occasions. We enjoyed it. We never would spend very much money and only stayed an hour or two tops. So yesterday morning came and it was raining. I tried to talk myself out of going. I managed to go. I ended up crying on the way there. Almost turned around and came home but didn't. It just felt so lonely there. I ended up leaving with $200 more than I went with and usually that would make my day. Nope, wasn't  excited at all.

Today is the 5 month mark since he passed. In some ways it feels like that was yesterday and in other ways it seems so long ago. It's still so hard to believe that he is gone. Six months ago we were preparing for my oldest daughters wedding. Richard was fine. The day before her wedding Rich was saying his back was hurting. This wasn't anything unusual because we both have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. He went to his dr. and he gave him muscle relaxers. The next day, Oct. 9, 2015 he walked our daughter down the aisle. Two days later I got a call from my younger daughter saying Richard had fell and he couldn't get up. I was at work and rushed home. By that time he had gotten up but he was in so much pain. We took him to the ER. The dr. didn't check him for anything. Just said it was his sciatica and sent him home. A little over a week later he drove to work and when he went to get out he fell to the ground. His co-worker found him and called 911. He went by ambulance to a different hospital and same thing happened. They didn't check him for anything. Just told him it was his sciatica and sent him home. The following Sat. I came home from work and Rich just didn't sound like himself. I figured he was still taking the muscle relaxers and thought that was why. From that point everyday he just seemed more and more unlike himself. So much so that on Monday evening I asked him what meds he was taking. He told me none. My heart sank. I knew something was really wrong. By Tuesday night things were so bad that I hide his car keys so he wouldn't go to work the next day. I had already called and made an appointment with his dr for Wed. By Wed morning Rich was in bad shape. He didn't even know how to flush the toilet, he didn't know how to make his coffee. He put his shoes on but they were on the wrong feet and he didn't even know it. I called his dr and they told me to take him to the ER. They couldn't figure out what was causing this. I just wanted them to fix him. They ran all kind of tests and still I had no answers. Everyday he just kept getting worse. By Friday night they transferred him to a different hospital. By Sunday we were feeding him because he could not do that himself. The dr's never figured it out until Tues. afternoon. He had 3 tumors, 1 in his lung, kidney and liver. The dr. told us that the cancers were fighting each other and caused this very rare neurological thing. There was no way to stop it. Rich's sister and I were the only ones there when we got the news. I then had to go home and tell my kids and family. The following evening he was transferred to hospice. That was Wed. night. Thursday morning my youngest daughter who was 15 at the time and I went to be with Rich. He passed that day at a little after 2pm. It all happened so fast. He waited until all his friends and family that was there that day to leave. It was just Nicole and I there with him. I think he wanted it that way. Sorry for the long post but I just felt the need to share my story.

I can so relate Gin. This Tuesday will be 5 months for me. I feel the same way. Having a really hard time at the moment.

Deniz,

I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing only it's with some of my husbands family. His 2 brothers and one of them lives right beside me, said that they would be there for me. Haven't heard a peep from either one of them. The brother that lives far away was even in town and never even stopped by. No calls or texts, nothing.

This was the first Easter without my husband. My 16 yr old and I drove 3 and a half hours to spend time with my family. Yes, it was hard but I think I would have had a harder time if I would have stayed home. My husband loved spending time with my family. I had an ever harder time coming back home. I didn't want to come back here. Back to the reality that he isn't here.

Mitch, yes I have had some things happen like that to me. I know Richard is here. The first time was shortly after he passed. It was the middle of the night and I was awakened by a sound. I then felt him put his hand on my thigh. it only lasted a few seconds but I felt it. He also lets me know he is with me a lot when i'm driving his suv. A couple days after he passed my daughter and I had just came out of Wal-mart. We got into the suv and I tried to start it. Nothing. no lights, no radio, no power at all. I tried to start it a few times and each time, nothing. I opened the door so I could see where the latch was to open the hood. As soon as I opened the door, it started dinging letting me know the keys were in the ignition. I then closed the door and tried to start it and it started right up. Then another time, I had just dropped my daughter off at school and was heading to work. All of a sudden the radio went to static. I looked down at it and the station was changed. Of course my reaction every time is to say, "Richard!!!" I'm sure he just laughs.

Thanks to all of you. I ended up leaving work about half way through my shift today. I don't think I slept much at all last night. My breakdown just came out of no where last night. I'm really glad I came here. I have tried to talk to a few friends and they really just don't get what I'm going through.

This is my first post here. My husband passed away suddenly almost 5 months ago. I should be in bed right now but I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I just don't know where I go from here.