Anearia

Hi Everyone, geez, been watching the weather online-seems everyones getting it, I have family in Qatar and UAE they are paddling down the streets-unheard of. Luckily for us here in SA, rains have finally started and the worst drought in 18 years is getting some relief. Poor farmers. I was right about bracing for a fall. OMG yesterday was awfull!!! talk about crash and burn... I just sobbed all day and got no work done. Totaly debilitated. exhauseted by the whole thing. found a little book from Lars' Ouma [grandmother-alive at 98!!! and was still driving last year....most difficut person to tell when he left], any way book's called The Evolution Angel by dr Micheal Abrams published in 2000. Some of it is awful, sore, but theres some useful stuff in there as well, which helped to settle me a bit. I think you can download it online. I see many of us have been talking about how everyone expects us to ''get over it'' and ''move on''... My little experience has been that its generally the folks who have not lost a partner who dont get it. Sadly I have many freinds who have lost their other halves-they've all been amazing, and seem to know when to back off and when to be there. I must admit-before I lost Lars I was also very pushy towards them. I didnt understand. I meant well, but I just didnt understand. The pushy ones do mean well, and I think for them to see us ''moving on'' etc is very mportant as they are using our example for when they one day have to go through what we are now. Everyone would love to be able to ''move on'' to a certain extent. Subconciously they all want to believe that its not so bad, that they would be stronger etc etc... So they try to help us by being positive and happy and blah blah blah... Once you experience death at such a close range, holes open up in ones world. big black holes of nothingness that one can never imagine closing up. So as a trueStar trek fan my advice to myself is : Embrace the holes, they are part of us to, and although they may seem impossible to navigate now, they may one day lead us to new worlds of wonderous beauty. Speaking of which- the pic below is the view from my studio this morning. There's a little ditty from the band Passenger which I aways find so lovely. I hope they brighten your day just a little. Today will be better. The dogs are all very excited again-its Friday and Lars is meant to be home today-I dont know how they know the days of the week, I hardly know anymore. My folks are artists, and Dad is casting tommorrow [in bronze, we have a small foundry on the farm], gonna be tough day. Lars used to assist and loved it so much. strength and love to you all. may each day be lighter, and gentler. Passenger - Feather on the Clyde.mp4

Ihearthim and Gwenivere, I am suffering a huge amount of giult already as our last year and particularly the last few months were horrible. there had been talk of divorce and such nastiness. we still loved each other and cared but the day to day was pretty unbearable.Then the last week things were so much better, He was off the booze again, and starting to talk to each other. and then he was gone. me the tough cow not wanting to back down and apologise and Lars probably not even aware that he had to say he was sorry about hisbehaviour.[he died suddenly, no warning or nything, just 2 days feeling grotty in bed and the quack saying he might have pancreatitis on the Friday-he was gone by 0900 on the saturday, at home]. I get the feeling that we need to accept thatthey too are having to move on with their lives-in what evr form that may be. I do think that it is in our best interests to try to do that. I know that Lars wouldnt want me to mourn him forever, but I also know he wouldnt want to be forgotten. So i will try to move on-and not feel giulty about it, as he is quite probably watching over my shoulder, or maybe he's to busy with his new life to be that worried about what I am up to! I will always rememeber him and honour that memory-and also respect the choice he made when he left here so graciously releasing me from the burden of having to spend my life nurseing for him. he woldve hated that and probably have done himself an injury if that was how it panned out... At least thats one area-if I ever get there where I wont feel giulty-probably more lonely, but not giulty. I think i said once before that the way I am feeling is a very selfish giult. because, its about me, how I behaved towards Lars, I am seeking forgivness and almost permission in a way to feel grief. Its like after all the horrible things I said dont have the rigth now to feel sorry and sd that he's gone.

Thanks KAYC! I keep saying im off to bed! forgetting of course that you guys are in a different tme zone to me! its 23h00 here! Ja, I will hang tough-just need to figure out htis thing with my Dad and the bakkie. tough one. and I ammnot ready for those kind of ddeisions. Dads very much a ''you scretch my back and I will scretch yours'' kinda guy. he just recently agreed to me bringing the horses home from the livery that I have been using for the past few years, and I dont want to jeopardise that. maybe I am being unfair about him, in this-I just dont want to gve up my Lars's bakkie. i like to just sit in it sometimes. okay. definetly off to bed. gettig all teary, and i have been so strong today. Thanks everyone. gnite. good luck with that dodgey weather coming in-Im a bit of a weather nut and had a peek at the satelite pics a few hours ago. lotsa love

SCBA thank you, yes, that makes sense! Grief certainly is complex... Keeping myself busy analizeing my own grief is all that keeps me going at the moment. Lars always teased me about thriving on information-it would appear he was right as usual. Much strength everyone. Thank you for being here

gos h, I know I said I was going to bed.... but the posts of the last 19hours just suddenly popped up...not sure exactly how to respond directly to people, without sending personal messages. so if someone could please advise on that I would appreciate it thanks. thats not why Im still up though.... I am wondering if this migration from openly admitting to folks that we aint coping to slowly acting that we are ok is not perhaps exactly how it should be? it makes sense to me somehow that we would start to release others from our burdens as we are slowly becoming stronger and more able to fend for ourselves. Kevin, you mentioned something about a conversation a time back about colours? moving from grey to orange? I know aswell that i am almost possesive about my grief and am finding that, although its only been weeks since Lars went, that I dont want to share anything with anyone. I want him all to myself. I have been invited out this coming Sunday and am seriously considering going-if only to show those so concerned about me that i am ok-well, thats what I want them to think. [well, thats what my motivation seems to be, now that I have thought about it a bit more and read all these posts]. i like to analize things, to research my own emotions and disect them for my own desperation to understand the general insanity surrounding life. Since I lost my True Love all my old interests are somehow meaningess. hollow. vacant. I apologise if my comments offend anyone-I tend to offend most people. It is not my intention at all. I am so grateful to have this platform where we can share our feelings with others in the same leaky boat. pain makes one say strange and obscure things strength to all

Hi SCBA, i am intrigued by this phrase, i have re read it a few times since you posted it. Could you expand on it for me please? I am not entirely sure I understand. thanks what you say about acting is so true-and also what Kevin said in the previous post. its almost like a subconcious rehearsal for how we will learn to cope and move on, or our gaurdian Angels giving us a repreive and insight at the same time. I am always so surprised when i cope well in a situation that i expect to be a disaster. At the moment i feel as if i am coping too well too quickly. when i listen to myself i sound like i'm a pro at this but meanwhile its only been a few days since my life was so dramatically and sadly shattered. it all sounds so melo dramatic and its horrible. like a bad movie with Bgrade actors-full circle form the acting to the reality. this sounds ridiculous sorry. im rambling again. its bizzare how the mind works and often leads one to express written words where thoughts cant go. I must go to bed. good night all. may tomorro be better for all of us. my love to all of you

One of Lars' favourite saying was ''Good things come to those who wait...''' That one sure dont fly in current circumstances.... I did have a breakthrough of sorts this week-wanted to mention it earlier but forgot. After Lars left, I couldnt remember what he used to call me. not at all. but i woke up in the middle of the night on Sunday remembering ''Pumkie'' as in Pumkin, He called me Pumkie. I miss him so much.

HI Froggie, and Everyone else out there tonight. ja, I dont know how I would cope without them. I have also got two horses watching my back Drifter the big lad is very soppy and cuddly since Lars left but Havanna doesnt really wana chat! She's got humpalitis! Flashy aso very down in the dumps today. The best thing about the Furries is that they dont ask ''How I'm doing''. My Dad, bless him, almost tipped me over the edge again today. He wants to have a part ownership kinda deal with me on Lars' pick-up!!! I really dont want to offend him but, I also dont want to relinquish my grip on something that meant so much to Lars. i mean I know the folks have been using the bakkie [SA term for a pick-up] for years when Lars or I werent, but its our bakkie, its the one we use to take the dogs to the beach and the one we did all our road trips in. Dad's a good guy,, but does take things the wrong way so easily. this is a tough one and I am not negotiable on this. I really dont need this now. I was much better today generally. I got loads done on my big proposal for a Historical garden renovation on a Herbert Baker House. Feel really good about the work I did and really enjoyed getting back in the sddle so to speak. Also. kind of nervous that I feel better. Probably should brace for a fall hey? I hope everyone has had a stronger few hours. That the next few will be even stronger and that tomorrow will bring clearer thought and maybe a smile or two. Blessings all.

chuckling to myself here...one of the first things I had to fix after Lars left also the loo!

Thank you JC@BTOWN. This sounds terrible, but I am so jealous of your last few days with your man. It sounds quite idylic! You are wonderfully lucky to have been so happy- and for him to have been in such a posiive and loving frame of mind when he left. Many blessings upon your home and family.

JC@BTOWN Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Lars very suddenly 18 days ago. When they leave so suddenly one is left very bewildered and sort of half cheated. I am so glad that your last few days/hours were such good ones. I have found much solace and great advice on this site. I am better on my own at the mo, its when folks start asking how I am or that kinda thing that I really battle. Much strength to you and yours during this difficult time.

I have decided today to stop counting the days he has been gone. To rather count the days he was here. I will work hardNOT to remember my Lars as a dying man on the day he died. I will rather forget that day and remember and celebrate his Birthday. The day he died no longer exists in my world. Big words. I hope I can stay with them. For those of you approaching anniversary days of all kinds. I wish you strength and hope you all know [I know Im new here, dont mean to be cheeky] that this community holds everyone of us in its love and strong embrace.-Thats the feeling I have had since I arrived here anyway.

I wonder if we had all been brought up in a soceity that venerates the dead and sees death as a reason to celebrate the persons ''graduation'' from one realm to the next, if we would all still be so very sad? I can totally realte to Annew and Kat with touching things our other half touched or did regularly. I find myself sitting in his awfully uncomfortable chair, or hanging onto his pillow at night. This morning I seriously considered his toothbrush-dont worry I got over that one luckily!... Iheartm, I found myself screaming his name out over and over on the beach the other day. If he could only hear me, if I could only have him back for 10 mins everything would be fine. I could explain why I said and did some things I did-and feel awful about etc etc. I could tel him I love him. My Gran told me years ago when my Oupa died that they can still hear us and know us better now than when they were alive. I hope she was right. thank you everyone for all your support. I hope your day was beautiful.

Hi Janka, Thank you so much for your kind wishes. I see you also lost your Love, I hope he is having a wonderful adventure, may angels guide him and tigers gaurd him forever. I have wonderful support, but I do find it very exhausting being with people and having to explain all the time how I am feeling. I know they mean well. I am battling with giult more than anything. I can accept his passing and have a strong belief that he has gone on to a better life with more knowledge and understanding. Ultimately a goal for all living things. leaving this form and place is not an end but a beginning on a new journey. My best support group in this here and now are these 3 little monsters! from front to back, Flashy, Spot and Lula. They miss him just as much as me and know me better than anyone, so, know when I need cuddles and when I just need to be alone. I wish you much strength and peace, you clearly have a wonderful generous heart and I apreciate your message of encouragement very much. Thank you. Maybe one day I will visit you in Slovakia, I have always wanted to travel there. A