Roger_Ramjet

Hugs to you!

Kayc - He has never asked me not to contact him. Yet after not receiving a response in the first couple months, I knew that was the implicit message. In recent months, I discovered that he had been logging into a shared gmail account that we had used to communicate to each other (mostly email from me to him). His only purpose to log into that account would be to take a stroll down memory lane, I presume. And that gave me a little hope initially. However almost 2 months later and I decided that I would not allow that anymore. I made my Instagram private so he could not have the opportunity to "see" me or what was going on in my life. And I changed the password on the account. I did send an email to that particular account to give him a heads up that I would be closing it (in case he wanted to keep any of the emails). He did open and read that message but of course, did not reply. I'm not sure if this was the right or wrong thing to do in this situation but like ChinUp, I don't want to be the one waiting anymore or give him the impression that I'm waiting. Grief or no grief, he's had ample opportunity and I didn't want to put myself in that position anymore.

Ugh...Sorry ChinUp that you had a bad weekend. I was ready to contact X's sister this weekend so I could hopefully find out once and for all if this is all about his grief or it was me. Then he posted another Instagram photo with his face in his Dad's flag and captioned it that he was still struggling without him, I took that as a sign to back off and not pursue contact with his sister. And the urge to email him sometimes is sooo strong but I have to resist. Because like one of you pointed out, it sets us up for more rejection and makes it worse for ourselves.

It's what I needed too but I'm doing all of that and it doesn't seem to be helping. I just wish I could have joy again.

Kayc, You have been through so much and yet you continue to give back. I see your name on almost every thread on this site. It seems like you have taken your pain and experiences and turned it into something positive by helping so many other people who are complete strangers through their darkest moments. You must be an angel sent from God...I truly mean that and I am not at all religious... My kids know nothing about this "relationship" although my daughter did meet him when we met up platonically and liked him very much. Of course there is a hope that this relationship comes back to me but in my heart of hearts, I don't think it will. Yet, I cannot bring myself to delete the apps on my phone that hold our history of conversations. I cannot delete the pictures. I'm in this terrible limbo of holding on to those memories because although they are painful to read and look at (and I don't go there often anymore), they are also somewhat comforting. I can't just "rip the band-aid off"...

Kayc, Yes, that filing single did me in as I had to split the mortgage interest with him...but next year should be much better. I wish I had found this site sooner as the stories and comments have really helped me. However, I still find myself being stuck and I'm not sure I can ever get over this. No one knows how much I am hurting and how much I still carry this around with me every single day. I left a 20-year relationship yet didn't shed one tear over that and I know that sounds harsh and cold. But when you have been beat down verbally for years and years, you put up walls to protect yourself emotionally and you disassociate and remove yourself out of the reach of letting it hurt you at a deep level. I've been so guarded for so many years but I let all those walls down with my "friend". It was freeing and I hadn't felt that much happiness in the entire time I was married. So here I am mourning a relationship that didn't exist to most everyone around me except my close family and friends that I confided in. I know I need to stay busy and live my life and forget about him. Knowing what I need to do and actually doing that are two different things. How do I move past this?

Kayc, I'm contemplating asking my elderly neighbors if they have a lawnmower that I might use in return for me mowing their grass as well... My divorce has left me on a very tight budget and I owed Uncle Sam this year which I wasn't expecting. As my dear friend reminds me..."first world problems"...LOL.

ChinUp, Thank you. I was in a pretty unhappy marriage for 20 years feeling "alone" for much of that time. I much prefer what I have now because at least the aloneness is peaceful, without the drama and stress of someone who is verbally abusive that you can never be "enough" for. I guess what I struggle with was that I had a taste of happiness for 9 months with him and then had it stripped away suddenly and without a lot of warning and no explanations. And he was a very good friend to me for the past 5 years after we reconnected. I spent a lot of time communicating with him and he was truthfully the only bright spot I had going on (even platonically) besides my kids. I miss his friendship so much. And I have no problems with the lawn-mowing itself...I'd just rather not have to fork over $300 for a lawnmower right now . I survived a very tough year full of changes and events that would have flattened many people so I'm grateful to still be hanging tough. And maybe at some point I'll actually be up to going out on a date (although my phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook right now)...

ChinUp...so gorgeous!!! We didn't get much snow in my part of the states this winter and my grass is already growing to the point that I'm going to have to go buy a lawnmower very soon (ugh!). It's going on 6 months without hearing from him at all. Not one word. In a way, I am getting used to it but I'm not sure I will ever fully get over it. In my lifetime there have been a very select few I have connected with in this way and I'm not counting on the fact that there will ever be anyone else. I mean, there could be, but I'm not really counting on it. So that itself is a pretty devastating thought to think about...being by myself. I suppose it is a better choice than being in a marriage with someone who is verbally abusive, etc. At least now I have peace.

So happy to hear this Raven. It must have brought you so much joy that he trusted that moment with you!

His daughter tweeted something last night that spoke to me..."You will never be enough for a person who isn't ready. It's nothing personal, they just can't be what you need them to be." Gulp....

I know Raven. I want to do everything I can to support him but there's nothing I can do from 1500 miles away with no contact from him. He has chosen to go through this on his own without me. We had another circumstance late in June that was a precursor to all of this. His mother had a heart issue and she had to have a stent put in. He went AWOL for a few days and when I finally did hear from him he said "this is all me...nothing to do with you...I don't do well when things are bad...I don't want to burden you with it...etc". When I told him it wasn't a burden and to please not shut me out he replied "I won't .... I've been solo for so many years. I'm used to handling things on my own but I'll get there". So I just hope my vibes somehow reach him and he knows I still care...it's all I can do at this point.

Thank you KayC for the words of affirmation and vote of confidence. It means a lot to me! Hugs!

Thank you - I appreciate your perspective and will try to keep it in mind to move forward.

Thank you ChinUp. Although I sent him a DM through Instagram in February and another brief email, I really think this email brought me closer to the closure that he never gave me. And I could be totally off base. Maybe his grief has nothing to do with it. I have a male friend who has told me very frankly on a number of occasions that he doesn't deserve my tears, that he probably hasn't given me a 2nd thought and has probably already slept with 2-3 women. And for all I know, maybe he is right. But I would rather give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that his grief played a huge role in him cutting off all communication with me without explanation. I haven't heard from him since that day (October 7th). We met when we were 14, sending each other letters through snail mail for 5 years. That culminated with long distance phone calls my senior year and me inviting him to come to my state as my prom date. The prom date never happened as my friends were applying some fierce peer pressure wanting me to take a guy I had just began dating who was friends with all of their dates. And not wanting X to be treated badly by them and a fear of the unknown of what might transpire between me and him, I called and cancelled on him. That ended our friendship until he reconnected with me 22 years later in 2010. And we jumped right back into an easy (albeit long distance) friendship for 4 years, messaging 3-4 times a week. That all changed at the end of 2014 when he came to see me while I was visiting CA for my daughter's tournament. It was platonic but I really enjoyed his company. The silence between us sitting on the sidelines was comfortable in a way I've never experienced before with anyone. We crossed that proverbial friend line a few months later (in feelings only, not physically) and talked/messaged nearly everyday for 9 months. We had plans to go to San Francisco together for my birthday in early Oct. (never happened because of Dad's death in early August) and then CA again for Thanksgiving (never happened because he disappeared in Oct). I know exactly how you feel going from that communication and connection everyday to nothing. It is devastating. I might add that I began the divorce process with my husband in April (completely unrelated) so it was a very very tough year for me. Divorce, moving twice, buying a house on my own, missing my kids and pets...and then of course, this. I am trying to be strong and there are good days and there are days I have setbacks. Today I had to complete my self-evaluation at work and to look back at the calendar for 2015 was rough because I had to relive all the events of those months over and over. I pray everyday that he contacts me...even just to be in my life as a friend only. I would gladly take it. He is that important to me. I thank you for taking the time to listen and be empathetic. I wish I had found this forum back in October because perhaps the realization that this happens quite frequently would have eased my pain somewhat sooner. I spent a lot of time analyzing the situation over and over, rereading all of our communication, texting him without a response, emailing him, and even sending him snail mail to try and reach him. Had I known now what I think was going on, I would have reacted differently. My craziness in those first 2 months probably drove him away for good. I hope he at least reads this email to realize that I understand and I've accepted it (well, somewhat). Maybe he will not feel that pressure from me 1500 miles away. The odds don't seem like they are in our favor for a return to status quo so I guess learning to live with it is all we can do.