MissLoss

That was an incredibly helpful article! Sums up my emotions and I'm already doing some of the things she said. I feel reassured now. Thank you!!

As much as you'd like to change the past, you just can't. It's hard not dwelling on it, but we must not be upset by things that we could have done differently or we won't be able to move forward. You didn't do anything with bad intentions and you weren't being insensitive. You didn't do anything wrong.

The less I see him, the more I seemed to be worried. I hope the new woman in his life is looking out for his well-being but I have no way of knowing. I'm finding it hard not to be worried or care. Over the past couple of weeks, people have been asking me out on dates after they've found out I'm single. I keep saying no because it's not what I want to do right now. I don't believe that moving on requires finding someone else. My heart's not in it. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. What do I do?

Sharirourse, I feel we are similar in certain aspects and it gives me hope that you're doing better as well. I'm happy to hear that you're thinking positively. I hope to get there soon as well. One day at a time.

Thank for sharing this. I'll try to remember what you have said. What I don't understand is when they leave you for someone else. But I do understand that grief creates all kinds of emotions and they won't all make sense to me.

I've been hearing that it's not his grief counsellor. He apparently only went once, met an intern there, started dating her and never went back to counselling. I don't know when this happened because 4 weeks ago he was with me and we were talking about the future. I just don't know what's going on. He needs help and maybe he thinks he will get it through the counsellor? I still can't help but wonder what happened last fall when he said he doesn't believe in love or the feelings that are associated with relationships but now he's in a very committed one? But yes, I understand that this is about him and I need to just let him be even though I miss him very much.

I also love my man who left me. His second loss came last winter and he became very distant. He would only communicate sporadically until last week he left me altogether for someone else. It doesn't make sense to me either and his recent behaviour has made me very worried about him. I hurt knowing that I can't help him. But having gone through grief myself, I'm reminded of the times I needed to be left alone as well. I didn't feel for 2 years and walked around like a zombie. But then one day, my feelings came back and I tried reaching out to those that were trying to be there for me. Some understood while others didn't. Hopefully you'll be understanding when he is ready because it is about his loss and his feelings that need to be worked on. It's hard being an empathetic person.

My Dad passed away 4 years ago and we were very close. A couple of months ago, I got an email from an old friend of his asking how he could get in touch with my Dad. I cried for a whole day before I could respond. This pain never goes away because there is so much love for the one you've lost. But over the past 4 years, I've learned to live my life as well. As much as it may seem that people become awkward around you, I've found that when you're ready to talk, even strangers will listen. New friends I've made have been incredibly supportive. There are good people out there even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I used to dislike the obligatory "I'm here" comments. But now I know that they just don't know what to say and they don't want to cause you any more pain by saying something insensitive.

It's been only a week and I am doing better than when I initially found out. But the pain comes and goes in waves. It has taken a toll on my physical health since I am unable to eat or sleep. I keep thinking that he will end up with her and then I will be truly devastated. When I lost my family members 4 years ago, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me and suddenly ended our relationship as well. A year later, he married the girl he cheated on me with. I understand that I wasn't the greatest girlfriend at the time because I was emotionally distant but being lied to is the worst feeling. This loss of my current man feels the same way because this time around, I was emotionally there and love him but he still lied to me and left suddenly. I keep getting flashbacks. Also, what if I was the "rebound" and he has found a relationship with this woman? I can't help feeling a lesser version of me.

You are absolutely right. I am trying to focus on school, my job, my health, and spending time with my friends. I hope he comes back but I doubt it because he has someone else in his life to fill any void. I feel pathetic admitting that I hope he realizes how much I gave and how I was looking out for him. I have so much hope but I know I must focus on me. Thank you kayc. I know I'll end up posting on here about this again because I will need moments of strength and still welcome all advice. Today, you helped me immensely. (hugs)

Maybe Jim wonders about his actions as well. I hope one day I'm able to say "it's history now," too. At this present moment, I'm just concerned for this man in my life who is making terrible decisions regarding his own self. I really should be taking care of my own self worth. My logical mind and hurting heart are on conflicting ends.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear. I try to look back at my grieving process and how I treated people in order to understand why some people were shut out and others were not. I took a year out before I reached out to my best friend. She has never forgiven me and we are now acquaintances. I understand that she wanted to help but I was trying my hardest to be strong and I knew I would breakdown with somebody very close to me who wasn't grieving alongside me. So I only communicated with my family and people that weren't that close to me. I definitely regret it because I lost a couple of great friends due to this feeling. When I was grieving, I wanted new people around me because they wouldn't compare me to who I used to be. I wanted to talk about anything that wasn't personal. I wanted surface level conversations and social times that led to superficial fun. Now I'm looking for more and feel saddened by lost friendships. It's not that I didn't care for these people; it took me awhile to realize that I care more about them than I do about the new friendships I have created. Time isn't always kind.

I just feel that if he got the proper help, he would get better. I was ready to help him in any way, even if that meant space. I don't understand how he's seeing someone else? He said he wasn't ready but he is now? Everyone keeps telling me how unfair this has been to me but why doesn't he see that? He kept telling me on Friday that he never intended of hurting me. What were his intentions?

SORRY FOR THE ESSAY! Hello, I am incredibly confused and hurt by a recent situation. I would love some advice and help. Four years ago, I lost 5 family members over the course of the year. Most of them came suddenly and without warning. I felt emotionally numb for a long time and my grief process was delayed. I began grieving for my losses 2 years ago. Last year, I moved to another city on my own to pursue academic and career goals. I met a man who I hit it off with instantly. He eventually told me that he had lost his mother a year prior to meeting me and I shared my losses with him. We found it incredible that not only was there chemistry of all levels between us, but we were going through similar times. Everything was going well between us. We had our separate lives and made time for one another as well. Last summer, he came to visit my hometown and I attended his friend's wedding. Then he went to visit his only surviving uncle. When he came back, he became incredibly distant. I would only see him sporadically and he stopped taking care of his health. He began smoking, drinking too much, and using drugs. He would call me randomly when he was having a hard time and I always left whatever I was doing to be with him. I constantly told him how much he was loved. He was an only child who lost his mother and never knew his father. But he has a lot of smart and kind friends in his life. He would tell me how amazing I was and how I always made him feel better. But he could not be in a relationship right now because his uncle was dying and he needed to work through his emotions on his own. I said whatever he needed but I was always a phone call away. Those phone calls came and I was there for him when his uncle died in November. In December, he went to visit friends in different cities and help his aunt out. I returned to my hometown to spend the holidays with my family. I hardly heard from him. Early this year, I met up with him and he said he thought I would have moved on by now. I was surprised by that comment and said I was interested in dating. We also only had a sexual relationship at this point. Three weeks ago, he talked about the future and how he was going to make more time to spend with me. He said many hopeful things and I thought maybe he was making progress to find some "normalcy." Two weeks ago, I couldn't get a hold of him. He wouldn't return my calls or texts. Then I saw on social media that he had got a ridiculous tattoo. I also saw another woman commenting on his photos quite a bit. I left him a voicemail and told him I was concerned rather than applauding his tattoo the way others were. Last Friday, he deletes me off all of his social media, texts me goodbye messages after writing an essay of my good qualities. I asked him what was going on. Then at 3am while I was sleeping, he texts me and says he's serious about someone else now and can't have me in his life. The woman he is with is a grievance counsellor and the same girl applauding his ridiculous behaviour. I am so dumbfounded. I believed him when he said he couldn't be in a relationship because he needs to find the right feelings. That was a lie because he's in one now. I feel hurt that I lost someone I truly love and care for after going through my family losses. I was there for him and tried my hardest to be a good person. I compare myself to this new girl and I can't figure out what she's been able to do and give him that I didn't. Then I hope that this counsellor isn't one he's seeing professionally. Advice? I don't know what to do. I'm hurt and genuinely concerned for him.