Clematis

Losing a beloved pet is SO hard, and so often the people around grieving survivors just don't get it. It's a painful truth that our pets just don't live longer, even when they live a long life for their breed. It feels cruel, the way it plays out. I work as a psychotherapist online and I have had so many clients who say that their dog or cat is their soulmate and/or best friend, and the loss of these dear ones is excruciating. No getting around it. But take care of yourself, and remember that "one day at a time" thing. Sometimes it's more like dealing with one minute at a time...

On 12/18/2022 at 1:19 AM, Steven-Nono said:

Thank you for reading Nono's story.

Nono is so beautiful and absolutely adorable - what a loss! I feel for you, to have lost him, and especially after such a short time together. It is heartwarming that you were able to provide a safe and loving home for him at the end of his life.

7 minutes ago, My beautuful Tiger said:

Thank you💚

Losing a beloved pet is SO hard, and the loss can stay with you so long. It's really really sad that pets don't live nearly long enough...

On 1/24/2023 at 9:43 AM, Sheemie said:

I am also trying to navigate going back to work or volunteering. The living situation adds to it. I worked with a homeless person recently who completely lived in their vehicle, staying in motel rooms sometimes. I cannot imagine how difficult that is. They can't bathe, use toilet, cook food, have anything. I watch nursing homes going out of business on news and we have this whole workforce that is homeless because of exorbitant rent

Sounds like a really tough situation. I feel for you. Things are so hard right now for so many people.

On 1/27/2023 at 7:08 AM, My beautuful Tiger said:

Tiger, 

Guess what I just brought👀....I brought some catnip seeds for the garden

That is very sweet, and I bet Tiger and Snuggles both appreciate it.    =^. .^=

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s never been this bad.

Hi there - I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. It's awful. I don't know if you remember me, but I was on the site a lot 5 to 7 years ago after the death of my dad. We were very close and I was his caregiver. Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you can find a way to feel better.

On 12/15/2022 at 4:59 AM, kayc said:

Look what the results are and don't look back!

Thanks! I got more good news today; the results of my PET/CT showed no signs of cancer. This means I am determined to be Cancer Free! Yay!

I feel for you - it is so hard to lose a beloved pet. Was this a cat or a dog? Would it help to post a picture?

Another disturbing reality is that the doctors lied to me, and when challenged about this, they defended the deliberate deceptions by telling me that everyone with cancer agrees to anything they are offered, in order to gain any slight advantage. They minimize the negative impact of these proposed treatments and give misleading information about the possible benefits. I stopped taking Herceptin after 6 months because the research shows that the strongest efficacy is in the first 6 months, and after that, patients have increasing damage by the drug with no more benefit, the longer they take it. They wanted me to take it for 12 months, but would not discuss the research about the trials on the length of treatment. I have a friend who took this drug for 5 years, and now she has uterine cancer and something on her pancreas - biopsy results not back yet. It is such a racket. 

On 10/14/2022 at 5:11 AM, kayc said:

you have learned a lot in your journey, not only about the medical community, but also about yourself, you have used what you have been through and learned and are gleaning strength you never realized you had!

I sure have learned a lot - and a lot of it is very disturbing, particularly as related to the medical profession. I was stunned to find myself in a position where I had a life threatening condition and was facing a team of angry doctors determined to over treat me by withholding information and doing their best to scare me into destroying my health. I felt like receiving a cancer diagnosis handed me an obligation to blindly do as told, because if I didn't I would be depriving the hospital and providers a LOT of money they felt entitled to. For example, my decision to end chemo when I did, based on my research, cost the hospital at least $360,000. I also refused radiation therapy, because based on my age it was 90% likely to not benefit me. I don't know how much money they lost on that one, but it would have been 20+ treatments. And it would have been needless exposure to radiation for me, because as it turned out, there was no cancer remaining in either breast. I had a breast MRI on 11/22, and it showed no cancer. I have a PET/CT scan this Thursday, and if it is clean as well, I will be declared "cancer free."

On 5/24/2022 at 3:14 AM, kayc said:

Thank you, still praying for you and my friend Iris!

Thank you, Kay. I have been detoxing from the cancer treatments and trying to get my feet back under myself again in my life. I am still having physical issues from the chemo and emotionally have been up and down a lot. Sometimes sideways...hahaha! You gotta laugh to keep from crying sometimes. Sometimes, of course, crying is the exact right thing to do, but that's not what I mean.

My cancer debacle was just that, and thinking about the shoddy care, medical gaslighting, and incompetence I found enrages and terrifies me. I would never have dreamed that a "team" of doctors would gang up on a cancer patient - and be so deliberately mean - with no real thought to the actual care for that patient - me. The surgeon from my "care team" told me on the phone, "The reason your doctors all treat you like they do is because you're smart, and ask them challenging questions." That is so awful - it's hard to fathom the right words for it, and I have a good vocabulary.

Tuesday was the one-year-anniversary of my diagnosis day, and it was hard to figure out how I felt as the date approached. Looking back, it seems more clear that it's just another anniversary of a loss or traumatic event. Ground Zero in learning about grief. For me, this anniversary has a lot of grief in it, as well as the trauma of the treatment and mistreatment. Looking back brings a mix of anger, angst, and pride in myself for doing my own homework/research, finding and keeping on my own path, and maintaining the many health-related alterations I've made to my life. Looking forward, I want to do just that. Move forward. I'm not sure in what direction, but this next year will be about something else - not like the cancer of last year - next year will be something new. I don't know what...I'll keep you posted

On 5/13/2022 at 6:49 AM, kayc said:

Got my blood test back, platelets too high, that's most concerning, they didn't test me last year between switching doctors and Covidj, so all I have to go by is two years ago before my mysterious throat condition, no one knows what's causing it but it's greatly improved, no more white spots but tongue glands still inflamed, although also improved, been nearly 1 1/2 years with it, I'm pretty sure that's behind it.  

Ahh but my IR (triglycerides/HDL) is 1.1!  (supposed to be under 1.5)

That is so great that you are getting better, Kay! I am really happy to hear it.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I posted this in my diabetic group:

Thanks, Kay - what an amazing story!

On 4/27/2022 at 5:03 AM, kayc said:

More energy than I've ever had...

Kay, that is really awesome! I am so glad to hear that your health has improved so much. I really fear these doctors; what they want me to do is so extreme, and I fear that if I totally go along with it I will destroy my own health. There is a lot of research about minimizing treatments, alternative/complementary strategies, and so on. But my doctors have never heard of any of that. From what I can tell, my risk of recurrence is low, but they haven't ever really told me anything about my prognosis. I think they know my risk is low, but are using vague but alarming comments to get me to go along with their plan. They are treating me as aggressively as if I had metastatic disease, but it's scary. It seems like I could be throwing my life away if I make the wrong choices, but no one will be straight with me. 

On 3/7/2022 at 6:36 PM, enna said:

Let me know how you are doing when you are able.

Hi Anne - I am still slogging along and still dealing with lying doctors. I stopped two of the chemo drugs in the beginning of February for a number of reasons. Partially it was due to the developing neuropathy from Carboplatin, and also it was because it was dawning on me that they had never given me any numbers and I had been given so much wrong information, due to errors, incompetence, and deliberate deception. The first oncologist was awful, and was replaced by a woman who tried to get me to go back on the Carboplatin by telling me Carboplatin doesn't cause neuropathy. I said ok, but later refused the drug because I went home and looked it up, discovering immediately that her statement was untrue. An error by a mature oncologist about one of the side effects of one of the most commonly used drugs for breast cancer...or a deliberate deception? (I think that's called lying.)

Turns out it was the latter, and just today the NP at the practice told me that the denial of the Carboplatin-neuropathy connection - the reason for the lie - was that this side effect only affected 4-5% of people who take Carboplatin. My knee-jerk response was to point out that I AM one of the 4-5%, so for me that is actually 100% likely to increase, and significantly. The NP responded with a pedantic little lecture about how they do everything possible to get patients to comply with what the medical staff believes is best for them.

I can't help but think that lying to patients about proposed treatment totally removes the "informed" part of Informed Consent.

Anyway, I am still terrified. But getting along. I am struggling to get something of my art life back and am thinking about going to a jam next weekend. Also, I have started drawing/painting again and my subject is birds, a novel one for me. I am also painting rocks, something that has fascinated me since I was a child. I am mystified by the process/materials since I am a watercolorist. Nevertheless, to my astonishment, my older sister is helping me with the process/material part. As an MFA artist who teaches art, of course she could easily provide this info, but the fact that she jumped in and offered to help me was a surprise. This is the sister who told me she was divorcing me after our dad's death because I wouldn't give her my dad's banjo, which he gave me 9 years before he died.

My other sister has also been in communication and seems to also be actively engaged in a supportive sisterly relationship with me. There have been so many years of icky behavior from both of them, I'm a little doubtful about whether to trust what I see as a real change or if they are being nice while I have cancer...

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Other than this, things are okay!

Yeah - the pandemic is a scary time to have any kind of medical problem. I hope you can get somewhere with this!

On 12/6/2021 at 7:11 PM, enna said:

Hi Laura,

I am just reading this and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Anne

Thanks, Anne. I appreciate that. How have you been?

On 1/15/2022 at 6:23 AM, kayc said:

There's an end to this!  

Thanks, Kay! I am working...it's been hard in a lot of ways. Cancer gives a person a lot of extra things to do; not only are there the appointments for treatment but you have to have scans, do lab work, go to followups, and so on. I also have been doing a lot of research, because my medical oncologist is dishonest, unethical, and incompetent. He makes up stuff, which I discover by looking it up later. He has made a LOT of errors. He told me that the kind of cancer that the surgeon and pathologist identified does not exist, and he followed the algorithm for pre-surgery rather than post, telling me that it was the same thing. He never did give me any information about my prognosis, although it was clear that he was choosing overtreating me with chemo. I decided to stop the cytotoxic drugs after two cycles, after figuring out by way of research in medical journals that for me chemo was not  likely to have as big a benefit for me as the surgery, Herceptin, and estrogen lowering drug. The oncologist was furious and threatened to fire me as a patient at the clinic. Fortunately, he is a "locum" or temp, and I am continuing with someone else, but it heightened my fear and anxiety.

It is infuriating and terrifying to have doctors - and nurses with them - close rank to defend each other, while denying the patient access to correct and pertinent information. Nevertheless, when I relate some of these events to other health professionals, they are startled in a way they can't hide, even though they don't directly refute the doctor. I keep joking that I am like a cat at the vet - why try explaining anything to a cat? Not all that funny. Other than that, things are getting better. Helen and Lena are taking good care of me. How have you been?

On 12/7/2021 at 7:43 AM, MartyT said:

We're all pulling for you, Laura ❤️

Thank you, Marty. I just started chemo three days ago, and although exhausted, I seem to be doing ok thus far...

On 11/3/2021 at 6:02 AM, kayc said:

...I don't live close enough to you to be tangible help, but am glad you DO have someone to be there for you and I will continue to pray for you throughout your journey to health.

Yes, we grieve even our health, the things that change that we didn't get a say so in.  

Thank you so much, Kay, for your kind words. I just started chemo this week and am exhausted, but working and doing ok...

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing...watching my friend Iris go through this, very nauseous with chemo.  I appreciate her positive attitude and spirit, even as her husband fights off the Covid effects (nearly two months now), they've had it piled on with way too much but thankfully have supportive kids taking turns helping them (they come from out of state so not easy).  I'm glad you have someone there with you, it's too much alone.  

Thanks, Kay. I'm struggling along. The surgery went well and I am waiting for Oncology to step up to the plate and get things rolling. In these small towns it seems like STAT - at least now, during the pandemic - means whenever someone gets around to it. It's very aggravating and frightening.

On 11/3/2021 at 6:02 AM, kayc said:

I don't live close enough to you to be tangible help, but am glad you DO have someone to be there for you and I will continue to pray for you throughout your journey to health.

Thank you so much, Kay. I had my surgery yesterday and am looking toward to all that other stuff no one wants to deal with, such as chemo ant hormone therapy. I am hoping that I can find a place that does cold-capping, so that hopefully I don't lose my hair...

On 10/31/2021 at 8:16 PM, MartyT said:

Oh Laura! It's so good to hear from you again ~ but I'm so sorry to learn this devastating news! Please keep us posted on your progress, and know that we are here for you as you face this latest challenge. You are in our thoughts and prayers . . . ❤️

Thank you, Marty! This really is a loss and the grief seems so familiar. I have times when I don't think about it all, and then it slaps me up alongside the head as I remember that my life is no longer what it was and I can't go back.

On 11/1/2021 at 5:52 AM, kayc said:

I do believe our focus on our health will not be in vain, even with challenges and setbacks, life sure isn't fair, if it was you wouldn't be tackling this, but knowing you, you WILL beat this!  Sending thoughts and prayers your way..

Thanks, Kay! I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. It feels devastating to have this occur, after focusing for my entire adult life on optimizing my health with good diet, exercise, and avoiding any toxins I could. It seems to have done me little good. My doctor quipped, "Well, one out of every eight women gets breast cancer." I know that, but it seems like given my health focus I should have been one of the seven and not the one in eight. The only risk factor I have is not having had any children, and it doesn't seem like that should earn me cancer and the related treatments that ruin a person's life...

I've been happily married for 16 months now to Helen, whom I love dearly. She is funny and interesting, brilliant and kind, and I feel good just being around her. She really does love me. I also have a new career direction and am doing psychotherapy online via Zoom. That is all terrific. On the other hand, I have been just diagnosed with breast cancer and that is not terrific. It is another loss, and a devastating one, because my life of rolling along happy in the belief that I could continue to be healthy via exercise and a healthy diet - that's all over.