MyGulu

Hi KayC, I am just reading this!! I am so sorry for your loss. I am wishing with all my heart that Miss Mocha returns. I have read stories about animals getting lost & returning days later. The thing with many cats is that they are not like dogs & often have a wild streak in them. In my family, we have had cats run away many many times. Some kittens have followed their mums to never return & some have miraculously turned up again. Just few months back, a cat had 4 kittens in our neighborhood & all got lost after growing up a little as they follow their mother around. But one by one we have been able to get back three of them & now they are not allowed to leave the house. We are still hoping that we get back the fourth one too. Actually, earlier we had a house with a garden & it was much easier & now we stay in the 3rd floor or an apartment building & 2 of our cats had accidents falling down & severely injuring their spines. What I am trying to say is that when we rescued the first kitten back, we could just hope that we get at least another & so on & we did. So I am sincerely hoping & praying that Miss Mocha comes back too. Miss Mocha was lucky to have you & having spent so many glorious years with you & I am sure you feel the same. Sleeping alone can be very difficult now, so if possible have someone to sleep with you at nights.

Yes Nikki it was the right decision. You will be ready when you will be ready. We should not force ourselves to do anything we can have any doubt about.

Nikki, I read your friend's post. Its very aptly described. The grief does come in waves. I know the feeling, I saw some videos of other pugs & though there are many similarities with Gulu there are many dissimilarities as well. After all, each one of these kids, has his/her own distinct personalities. So even if there are certain things common pertaining to a specific breed, each one's uniqueness makes him/her that special. I too want another pug someday. Somehow I feel that if I get another dog again, it has to be a pug. So I can feel what you felt when you dog-sat the other Grey Hound. Gulu, Kura, Stella have made such indelible marks on our lives that, they will never go away. I am missing Gulu very much today.

Hi Everyone!! Stelly4ever, hope you are doing better. I said in an old post that I was ready to see Gulu's pictures & videos but I realized very soon that I could not & still can't. He too feels too real & in most of his pictures, he looks directly at the camera. It seems he looks directly at me & the feeling though very life like, is very unsettling.I miss holding Gulu so much.. Watching Stella's video felt good. Absolutely enjoyed them!! Even though the intensity has decreased, I start crying out of the blue. Today, while at work, I was looking through some text files & I came across one where, I had saved the id/pwd of this account & immediately I started crying. And, for you its not yet two months & this is the time when the grief is still very intense, as Nikki also pointed out. Even when things seem to feel or get a little better, it suddenly hits that Gulu will never be present beside me ever again. For example, I was chatting with my mother in my bedroom today & I felt that just a couple of months back, he used to sit beside me & now that place is forever going to be empty. Yes, it gets easier to deal with, with time but at the same time its not easy either. I am crying as I am writing this too. Pugs have separation anxiety more than other dogs I think. Gulu had too much of it, of all our dogs he had it the most. So no wonder Brie has it. Even, our pomeranian has developed it to a certain degree after Gulu. The dream I had, was sort of inconclusive, somehow in my dream also I knew something was not real. I said earlier that keeping busy distracts to a certain degree. But at days I still can't move myself to do even the most basic chores. Nikki, did you visit any more places? Hope you are better too now.

Hi Nikki, good to hear from you. I am glad you are better health-wise. Keep doing whatever you are doing I, like you, have kept Gulu's pillow in my bed. I seem to be more in control of myself though I break down every now & then. My parents went to the wedding (I mentioned earlier) & after returning from there, she seems to be a little bit more in control too. But she is not yet ok. I can see that. She seems to get worse if I break down in front of her, so I try to control myself in her presence. A lot of things are gradually resuming to become a bit like before and that does not take away the emptiness or the meaninglessness of losing Gulu. I also try to keep myself busy. Although the distraction helps to a certain extent, it does not help all the time either. I constantly have the same fear with guilt - that one day I will become OK with the new way of life & Gulu will fade away, his memories will not be as fresh. It is of course different after losing one's loved ones as you said but then with the time we get used to the difference. I know this is life but it so harsh at times.

Hi Stelly4ever!! I am really sorry to hear about your mother. And I know the feeling of not being able to address it. I watched the videos you posted & you wont believe there are so many similarities with my Gulu. The way they sleep while sitting, the way they eat, the way they played & called for attention & so many things. Gulu loved to roll in a pile of clothes/bed cover. Does Brie, Stella's sister also with you? She is such a nice kid too. You wont like the new normal, I don't. And frankly, its just a new way of life & not everything about it is normal either. As time passes you have a little more control over yourself. For example, I could not concentrate on work at all. But I seem to do a little better now & again out of the blue one day, I feel so restless that I cannot concentrate at all. We are never ever ready for these little kids to go away, even if they are suffering. Just may be a little prepared. So when this comes on suddenly the shock takes over. Now I feel the same way that all Gulu's clothes/blankets/beds will gradually stop smelling like him, that his memory will not be as fresh & though he will always be in my heart, his presence will fade slowly. And I don't want that either but I guess that's just life. I just wish he could live a couple of years more. I dreamt of Gulu yesterday but the dream was very nebulous - he was a little unwell but not bad. I so want to hold him again but I never can & that breaks my heart. KayC - if you have a smartphone, taking a video is very easy, just a few clicks You can ask someone from your friends/family to show you that & you can take videos any time.

Hi Stelly4ever, I know what you are going through. Your Stella is just lovely. I am very very sorry for your loss. I have been feeling the same since my Gulu passed away suddenly too. This is a place where it really helps to unburden your thoughts & emotions & every contributor from Kayc to Marty to Nikki & everyone else has really helped me. I seem to do better some days & then it just hits again. I have had many dogs since childhood & Gulu was the 4th in our family, we still have 2 more with us. I really love all of them. But somehow Gulu became the closest of all & he still is. And Gulu too pulled me out of a very depressing situation too. He was always there for me, he was like therapy to me, no matter how bad I was feeling if I held him, or if he snuggled into my lap or by my side I felt good instantly. What I have realized is that this is a tough journey & it will take time, to get used to or accept the "new normal" but knowing that you are not alone helps to a certain degree. If there is a Pet Loss support Group in your area, do consider joining that. I dont have any such thing here in India but I have found out about another group in my city which is about general well being & I am considering trying it. I will also take my mother with me as she is going through hell herself. My close friends have helped me by being just there for me. Marty gave a very helpful link in her last post in this thread. There are many links after that article too which helped me a lot. I go through all these whenever I can. They help me. Why? Why Me? Searching For Answers in Grief ♥

And yes, life cannot be defined by just one rule - be it positive thinking or something else. Its a combination of everything.

Marty, I read the article whose link you shared. It really helped me. I know I am not alone in what I am going through & some of the quotes in that article are absolutely spot on. What is happening with me &/or my mom is the realization that everything is not in our control & the truth of the whole thing - that Gulu was a very very loved kid, he was happy with us & we with him, & his going away though devastating could not probably be helped but then simultaneously missing him like hell & asking the "whys & what ifs & if only & I wish .." I dreamt yesterday night that Gulu had got sick & sometime later he got better & it felt so good but I then I woke up & realized that it was just a dream. It felt real for a while & then the horrible reality sunk in again & I felt so helpless yet another time. With that the dull ache returns every time, wherever I am & whatever I am doing.

Yes I agree. We feel cheated in addition to the shock. I feel very sad for the puppy & his owners. Hope the puppy got saved somehow. Life can be cruel like this - not giving everyone their fair share on earth. & why this is so, is probably beyond our understanding - could be nothing but mere chance. But it hurts deeply when the life of a good soul (humans & animals both) is cut short when they had so much to give & live for. I used to believe that our decisions shape our lives to a very large extent. That we have a say in how our lives turn out. I read somewhere that negative thoughts brought negativity & positive thoughts brought positivity in one's life & I believed it to a great degree. I always was positive that Gulu would be with us for many more years, that he would live to grow old & he was well taken care of. But it still happened. Don't know what to believe in anymore.

KayC, I guess you are right. We never actually get over these losses, we probably just get used to it. The main problem with this kind of sudden unexpected losses is the shock - the body & soul numbing pain. I am really sorry about your losing your husband. Nikki - I agree completely. If Gulu had grown old & then gone away, of course I would be devastated but at least I would have had the consolation that he lived his life. It is not fair the way Gulu & Kura & others like them had been taken away like this. I too wonder why, with less caring owners, pets seem to thrive better. In out family like yours, the dogs run the show. I still struggle with the "why" of it?? Why & how, suddenly in one & a half day Gulu could be gone? Gulu's death never even crossed our minds to be happening anytime soon. There was an office lunch a few weeks back which I could not attend, I just could not. WhereasI went out last Sunday with friends but could not really enjoy it. Sometimes I am just forcing myself to do these things to try to take a step ahead & just when I seem to be making a little progress I seem to be pulled back down. I miss that kid all the time.

Yes Kayc, probably thats the case with anticipatory grief...we get a little prepared mentally. Although losing a loved one is never easy to get over. There is a wedding of my parents' friend's son next week and although my mother was initially reluctant to attend it, we convinced her to attend it. She will be gone for about 3 days. I know the distraction is going to be temporary but I do hope it does her some good.

I really hope Kayc that it does lessen with time. Because if I feel the way I feel now forever, its absolute hell on earth. And it breaks my heart to see my mom like this, she had always been quite strong & now she is just a shell of her former self. She never had to take a sleeping pill in her life but now if she doesnt take one day, she is unable to sleep. Even with that, she wakes up very early every day. We had another dog, an off white lhasa apso, with whom my mom was very close. So was everyone else. His name was Gunda. But Gunda had been quite an independent dog, not like Gulu. He was diagnosed with pancreatitis when he was 8 years old & was under treatment for 2 years before passing away. His diet, his daily habits - everything changed during those years & when the attacks came he used to be in a great deal of pain. In fact, the last 2 years were a gift because a very good vet was treating him & we believe that an average vet could not have given him that extra 2 years. But those 2 years, I had a nagging fear that what would happen to my mom if he died!! She was so attached to him. When he did pass away, my mom of course grieved. Could not sleep in the bed she used to for a month or so but got over it gradually. May be since we knew that Gunda was suffering from an incurable disease made us a little prepared. We were in a better state to accept his death. But with Gulu its entirely different. The suddenness of it hit us so hard that we are reeling under it. Also, Gulu's nature is entirely different. His dependence & inability to even fight for himself, his closeness to us, his lack of self preservation, his innate innocence - all these made him closer to us & us closer to him. He became the light of our lives, the source of so much joy & pure positivity, that his going away has created a black hole in our lives.

Kura's clone is so life like!! Nikki I am really glad that you can feel Kura's spirit guiding you in the healing process. Hope that this continue to be so for as long as you need.

I do hope & wish that Lena stays with you that long. And you are right about not taking these fur-kids for granted. I do not know whether I took Gulu for granted a little or not...I really loved him & enjoyed his company, his presence & everything about him. But I did not make a conscious decision about not taking him for granted. But one thing I can tell for sure, I was always grateful for his being in my life & that I am even now & will always will be. After a really long time I went out with my friends for a day & though I enjoyed a certain part of it, but a major part of me kept aching for Gulu the entire time. I am trying to take one step at a time to restore some sense of the new-normal in my life but I guess the new-normal is still in a very nebulous state. I was going through his pictures yesterday, & the way he looked - he always looks very very innocent, pure & so dependent on us, that it broke my heart one more time that I can never take care of him again. I am scared of having another pet for now. Hope this gets over with time.