EMarie

My mother died of cancer when I was three years old. My entire childhood after that I kept anticipating other family members dying and I would always have dreams of my entire family being taken from me. I grew up a lot quicker than most people I know. After my mom, my grandparents helped raise so my dad could continue working full time. Because of my dad and them I had the best childhood. Summer of 2014 is when I felt like my life starting ending and I was 23. That summer my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and at the same time I was starting a job in a nursing home so I knew exactly how her health would decline. Around the same time my grandfather had strokes and continued to have heart issues. At that point I started coming home every weekend to care for them. Eventually we found a care taker for them because their wish was to remain at home. For over a year I took care of them every weekend after working a 50-60 hour work week. I wouldn't have taken anything for those weekends. My grandparents fed, bathed and changed me just like I was able to do for them now. After another stroke, my grandfather passed a week later and soon after my grandmother stopped walking. I am 25 now and still coming back on the weekends to help her. I know she doesn't really know who I am now and that it is progressing. I feel like I am losing my mother all over again and that I have had lifelong anticipatory grief that is finally coming to fruition and I am slowly but surely shutting down. Mentally I am to the point where I no longer want any new relationships because I know they will only result in that person eventually dying or leaving. Even as my closest friend who I've lived with for almost 6years is getting closer to being married and moving out, I feel myself already thinking about not making any new friends because I don't want to feel any more loss than I have. I've never even had a relationship because of the fear of loss. My grandmother is still with me at this point but once she passes I feel like I will be done being close to anyone ever again to avoid continually feeling the way. Has anyone else ever felt that way? Does the anticipation or fear ever go away?

It may not feel like it now but you are doing the best you can and that is enough! You are honoring your mother for caring as much as you do. I once heard a pastor say that there must be so many hearing aids, hip replacements, old joints, etc at the gates of heaven. I took care of my grandfather for over a year, and when he was close to passing, he was having trouble letting go. Before he passed I told him everything he worked so hard would be taken care and that we would take care of grandmother. It was incredibly hard and something I wish no one ever had experienced. My one solace was that at the gates I knew he lost his closed up throat, his dementia, his arthritis and got a new body with no more pain. There is no shame in feeling relief for them!