Widowedbysuicide

I feel for you Gwen. When we are sensitive because we aren't functioning as we used to and top of it withdrawl from nicotine everything seems a mess. Not having an understanding person we can talk to also adds to the problem and our emotional pain. I hope you can get a decent sleep and that the morning will bring you some relief from yesterday's situation.

That would be hard to leave. I hope great new memories are waiting in your new home.

❤️ Animals are so giving and forgiving.

Thanks @MartyT.

I started a thread in the TOOLS FOR HEALING SECTION that I wanted to tell everyone here about. Have called it OUR FEEL GOOD PET PHOTOS. I hope many of you will share photos here.

I want to share a couple of photos that make me feel good. The memories of the pets and the life we enjoyed before my husband passed. Katie Kat was his cat, she died the same week he did.

Kay I have the sister to your cat... Now to get the picture!

Gwen, I wanted the puppy desperately. I quit smoking when the female was bred. I had it figured that at $5. per day I could save enough to buy the puppy and the cost of travelling to Oregon to pick her up. After about 4 weeks of saving money my husband went on strike. So, I had to choose to use my savings and any future savings to continue to putting food on the table and paying bills. It was the right thing to do. I held off contacting the breeder as my crystal ball wasn't working and I hoped that the strike would be over quickly. The strike lasted about 6 months. Sadly, I didn't need the money because the female got an infection and the puppies had to be removed prior to being viable. I hoped that she would be okay and perhaps I could get a puppy from a future litter. That was not meant to be. The female was spayed in hopes of saving her but she ended up having to be euthanized. I felt so sad for the breeder. She was a gorgeous dog with a great personality and other attributes. I felt disappointed but realized it was not meant to be. That was in '92. In '96 we were given an adult golden female. Her name was Jenny. She was very lovely but she and I never really bonded as I had hoped. I figure it was because she had been passed around too many times. Our other dog was a golden as well and the two of them were great together. Casey was about 10 when we got Jenny and he had been neutered. As he aged he had a stroke and was put down 😢 he was so special to me but he was in panic mode all the time. He was deaf, blind, and became fearful. At that time we decided to try to breed Jenny. We thought that dogs should have partners too. Eventually, we had her bred and she gave us weeks of fun with 9 puppies! We kept a female who we named Milly (Milligan actually). She was wonderful!! Mother and daughter were quite a pair. So I did eventually get my girl golden puppy. We had many great years with the girls. I miss all of my pets that have crossed the rainbow bridge but I have lots of pictures and fond memories. I really do hope your health improves and that you are able to reconnect with the lady you mentioned. Having a friend will help you to refocus your thoughts. It would be good for both you and her 🙏

Thinking of you Katie ❤️

I used acupuncture to quit smoking. It's been over 25 years and the cravings are still with me. At least it isn't as often now but yes, the stressful times I want to give in. The withdrawal wasn't too bad, all things considered. I had tried quitting before and the withdrawal is what drew me back. I quit so I would have the money to buy a golden retriever puppy. Never did get that puppy. I wish you the best Gwen. I know from experience the panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I have meds that help when things aren't too crazy but in grief there is alot of crazy. 🙏

No apologies needed. You are human and so are the rest of us. I am just so glad you did not leave 💐

Dear Katie you and your boys are always in my heart. I'm proud of you. You are a smart lady to know you need the extra help. ❤️

I haven't done anything to make memories last.

I think it is good that you tried the course. Comfort and validation are very important. 🙏❤️

Thank you MartyT! Darrel I'm glad you're staying. I hope that your days are better knowing you are very much wanted here.

Darrel if I have offended you I am truly sorry. I didn't mean to cause anyone any upset. We all struggle here and try to support each other. No one is perfect and words can be interpreted in a different way by the reader from what the writer was thinking. Please reconsider your leaving. None of us want you to go. @MartyT can you make sure Darrel knows we want him to stay, please.

996 days for me. It feels like time has a real twist. Some days are like the first, raw and almost only moments ago. Other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I guess it is a life time, my new lifetime without him. as Darrel says, "one foot in front of the other".

Tonight I am the night owl 🦉too. Too much going on in my tired brain and the darn thing keeps replaying everything over and over. Helllllllllp! I would like to go to bed and sleep until it's morning. This up every couple of hours is exhausting. I was doing ok until 2:30 am yesterday when police, fire, and ambulance sirens woke me up. One was a barn fire, about a half mile away, and sadly several chickens and mini goats were trapped when the roof caved in. The other was a car accident that was a couple miles away... No major injuries there. It was after 4 before I was able to go back to sleep and then my brain said, "time is up, get out of bed". Grrrrr. I'm fortunate that's all I have to complain about tonight. I hope your pain in much reduced tonight Gwen. I'm sorry you have so many health problems to deal with on your own. 🙏

❤️ I can't imagine myself in your place. I am an only child so I have no real concept of your feelings. I know you are suffering as much as your sister is and I am sorry for you both. I have been told you can't miss what you've never had. I can tell you that even now, maybe especially now, I miss having the relationship I imagined I could have if I had a sibling. Thinking of you often Kay. 🙏

The follow up on this was that my pen pal ended up in hospital after a botched attempt to hang herself. This was her third time to try hanging. I know there is nothing I can say to remove her pain of losing two of her adult children to suicide. Since losing my husband to suicide I have dedicated myself to trying to help those people who are struggling with suicide. We need to humanize the grief of those who are left behind and for those who are struggling with suicidal ideation.

Good for you Anne. I'm amazed at how diligent you are in self-care. ❤️

Sending you some poodle love from my little Andy and his pal Charlie the blonde cockapoo 🐩

Thinking of you Katie. 🙏 I hope you will find some therapy to help you with the image in your mind. ❤️

Hugs to you. Be gentle to yourself. 🙏

Great to hear you talked with your therapist. Now that you have had the recent contact you will be less agitated and more at ease knowing you will talk to him soon. It's good that there is at least one male in your life that you can be yourself with and feel safe. Keep taking care. Hugs to you ❤️