Widowedbysuicide

Gwen I wish you could feel better. I can understand that there are too many medical issues to allow you to try to live a less solitary life. The fact that you find it hard to talk about your husband to people who didn't know him definitely restricts your opportunities to find some pleasure. Do you feel ok about talking about him on the forum? I guess I might be a romanticist as I love to hear the stories about other people. Sorry for all your difficulties and your fright with the oxygen. 🙏

I'm sorry they are gone. The pictures are beautiful. I bet they gave you some great memories 🐕

Thank you for the perfect image @MartyT. It speaks the truth. And @enna, thank you too for your understanding. There is just something about a horse that is magical and I will use that. I'm glad you have other fur babies to love and be loved by. Animals give the true unconditional love 🐕🐩🐱🐎❤️ Do you have any pictures of Buttercup or your current fur family?

I continue to pray for you Katie. I am so sorry that the pain is so intense and that you are feeling so broken. You are an inspiration to determination and love. Many hugs to you.

George, your message means so much to me. You understand ❤️ Thank you for your caring and your prayers.

Last year on this date, after I had to euthanize my beloved Kachina, my heart was so broken. I really did not want to face the world around me. All I wanted to do was sleep the sorrow away. For a month I struggled. Then I had the opportunity to care for and love another horse. He is a funny fellow. Much like a big dog with following me about and nosing into whatever I might be doing. Keeping him was mostly great for my heart. Although I never was able to go on a trail ride with him he was a great pal. After I sold my horse trailer to pay the funeral home several people told me that they would trailer me when they went riding. I don't understand why people make hollow promises. How do they think it's ok to be only on the benefitting side of a friendship? I'm hurt, disappointed, and angry! I allowed myself to hope, to trust the word of people who I have been kind and giving to, and now I just want to erase them from my memory and my future. In the nearly 3 years only one person took me out one time. Keeping a horse is expensive and I am not able to afford to keep Scout. Shoes cost $110 every six weeks thus over $900. Hay for the year is another $900. Then there is vitamins and get bills... I can't do it. It hurts my heart to have to say goodbye to him but his owner wanted me to buy him or she would sell him to someone else. So, he has sold and will be leaving in two weeks. I am ranting and feeling sorry for myself. There is no one to talk to, nevermind someone who cares. Come here to shout - cry - scream or whatever. It does help. I will work through the crap of this but I won't get over the losses and the heartbreak of losing my husband and my animals.

I hope you are having a better day Kori.

I don't think any apology is necessary. At least I don't see anything offensive. This is real life and the discussion here is about one aspect of our lives. I think it's great to talk about possible dating and such because where the heck else can you talk about it without being hit-on or feel like you will be criticized? I would certainly like to find a friend to do some fishing with and go adventuring with. Platonic friendship is important to me because I feel that if I am not good enough to start out as your friend then you aren't good enough for me to think about.

You are carrying such a heavy load. I do pray you get to see your councelor soon. I understand how hard it is to be able to open up with someone. 🙏

Hugs to you Katie. I know you are courageous and strong. ❤️

Best of wishes for you Tom. I hope things work out for you. @Kieron, I had a similar experience and now I feel like I can manage without a partner. It is a great feeling.

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. It certainly is not very considerate. Good luck at councelling, I hope it will help you with everything. Beautiful picture 🌹

Hi @Kieron, I certainly get the breach thing. It has happened to me over the years while attending group therapy at mental health. I have been a client for nearly 30 years, not a worker, but it still rattles me deeply. It seems to me that I am the one that feels the awkwardness while the other person is oblivious to the need to have confidentiality. My difficulty with boundaries get tested far too often. 😵. The part about getting mentally and physically prepared to attend has continued to be problematic but eventually I will get it right 😳. I hope being able to rant here is helpful for you. Sorry you had one of 'those' days.

Hello katie, I'm sorry that your appointment on Thursday left you feeling this way. It would be frustrating for me to have deal with the lack of appointments. I was lucky in that I did councelling with Hospice here in Canada and so there was no cost and lots of appointments available. I had one on one once a week where I would/could talk about the suicide part of things. Then there was group stuff about becoming a widower/widow that was weekly. Also opportunities to go for Reiki once or twice a week. Some of us meet up monthly for brunch now. I also did some classes and had some councelling with mental health through our medical coverage that was also no cost. I hope you will find a better situation for yourself. I can understand your reluctance to discuss things with your patients. It is you that decides who, what and when; I think you know what is best for you. It's great you have concern for the patients, please don't put everyone else ahead of yourself. ❤️ Talking about it all really does help. Do you have anyone who could just listen to you and be there to hug you as needed? If there were urgent things come up could you call a grief line? It's hard to put it out in writing. That is the problem with having to type as opposed to talking. Having said that, keep coming on here. We all need to feel understanding and validation. Take care to care for yourself 🙏

I find the darker weather with shorter days makes getting motivated a near impossibility. I am glad that at least the earth is receiving the much needed rain but the dismal weather does affect my emotional side. I am blessed with my son living with me and the pets, I am forced to get up and get going or I would spend everyday in my pj's in front of the tv. Sorry for your health problems Gwen.

Katie I am so sorry that grief is this hard. No one prepares us for this. You are grieving the loss of so many people and lost opportunities. The hardest part is doing all this grieving without the support of your Allen. He was here for you for the previous losses and that helped you to accept and adjust to things. Without his familiar arms around you giving you support and comfort you might be feeling lost. That is a natural reaction to losing your special person. I know that having Allen back is the thing you want most in this world, I am sorry that he isn't coming back. I'm glad you have the boys being cared for. You will not have to worry about them or worry that you aren't doing things for them. I hope you have someone there to help you. You deserve to have some extra time and caring for yourself. So much of your focus has been on the needs of others that you may have neglected yourself care more than you think. No one will ever take Allen's place in your heart but it is very important to allow yourself to feel ok. I hope seeing a therapist or doing a group thing is helpful for you. Honestly, I don't know how you are getting through everything every day. You are dealing with so much right now. I think you are incredible. ❤️ I'm praying for each day to have some little glimmers of hope. 🙏 And I hope eventually the glimmers will become bigger and last longer. Much respect to you Katie 🌹

Katie you are doing the hardest things in the world, sadly it doesn't help to know that. You have had so much happening that would knock anyone down. One loss is enough to have to mourn and you have been dealing with multiple losses for so long now. Please be kind to yourself and don't expect to be fully functional. I think you are feeling so many things at once how could you not feel overwhelmed? I am sending prayers hoping for some relief for your anguished heart. ❤️🙏

I'm so glad you found what worked for you yesterday Shirley. Many times it is the anxiety about the event or occasion that causes me the most difficulty.

Thinking of you today.

Thinking of you dear Katie. Today was suicide awareness day and for me it triggers the rawness of those first days after my husband died. Sadly, it also brought you to mind because of your Allen and Butch. At first I was very embarrassed/conflicted about telling people that my husband murdered himself. Now I speak about it without embarrassment because it was what happened because he did not seek help. I no longer feel conflicted because if anything I can say can prevent even one suicide I will feel that I am helping raise awareness and that Gord's death has some meaning. He will always be my knight in coveralls ❤️

Praying for safety for all.

You are not a lost cause Katie. Unfortunately, this is the hardest thing I have had to survive in my 61 years I know too well how our minds go over and over things. It seems that until we work things through enough to be able to accept the loss we just keep chasing the uncertainties round and round. This is very tiring so try to look after getting enough exercise, nutrition, and sleep. I like @kaycs ideas of doing something special. A bubble bath sounds glorious. I think a three week wait between appointments is such a long time. The only things with talking to multiple therapists that would concern me is the continuity of thoughts and the likelihood that therapists might have differing views or suggestions. I am not sure how it would work for you, it wouldn't work for me as it would be too fragmented. @MartyT is the best one to ask about this. Try not to think too far into the future. Do what you can in the moment. We must live for today because if we worry too much about the tomorrows our days become nearly unbearable. I could go on and on but the most important thing is to care for yourself. Reach out and ask for what you need. Keep coming on here to find the reassurance that you are going to make it, you aren't crazy or a lost cause. ❤️🙏

Hugs to you.

Hi Neequee, I can't help you out with suggestions as I have not been in your situation or your boyfriend's situation. I do feel for you as I'm sure that the changes you are seeing or feeling are hurtful. We all feel what we feel, no one else knows what is in our hearts. Perhaps your boyfriend just needs a little more time to be able to decide what his future looks like. I hope you are ok with giving him time if that is what he needs.

Hello Tankerr50 I admire your strength and I appreciate your resolve. Thanks for sharing that there are days to look forward to.