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I Don't Believe This

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  1. So It was all me. I was panicking because of what happened before. We had our nice weekend. Last weekend. Have plans for me to come visit her home after the new year for 10 days. She is a very strong and capable woman. I am hoping it continues to work out.
  2. Thank you both, I am trying hard to just be there, but alas I am a fixer of things... So it goes against my nature and it is hard. Grief is not the only challenge. The difficulty of her job and the remoteness of where she is living exacerbates the issue. Only a few months left on her contract though. One tough Alaskan winter to go.
  3. We spoke on the phone for five hours last night. That is fairly typical for us. We spend about 30 hours a week on the phone. Last night we spent most of the time playing a verbal game. She had made a request to distract her. But she lamented a little and I could use some advice. She had mentioned that she was feeling guilty that she feels numb while most of her family is expressing grief. She also mentioned that she feels like she grieved her grandmother when dementia had taken her to a point where she was no longer recognizable as herself. I simply said that there is no expectation what you are supposed to feel and when. But had nothing else to offer. I would recommend a grief counselor for her, but she is literally in the middle of nowhere arctic tundra - no roads, only access is a two hour flight. I mean even our conversations are broken up a lot because there is only one cell tower, bandwidth is too limited for skype, and often text messages simply don't make it out there and internet is highly limited. There is no infrastructure to support her there and I am doing my best from 1000 miles away. *edit* spelling error
  4. Thank you Kay, I hope we have a good time too. One take away I have over the last couple years is to evaluate how a person handles stress before I get excited about a possible relationship. Nikki makes me happy. She is tenacious, and strong. I look forward to the long weekend and I will probably know the last things I need to know about this lady.
  5. I think so... Funeral was Sunday. I sent flowers. (see picture) It was a difficult day, as to be expected. She is the "Strong" one in her family. She was the one holding it together while the rest of the family grieved. It wasn't until later when she was on the phone with me that she told me she was numb and just waiting for it to hit. It seemed to. start hitting her on Monday. She was at home, in a place of peace. Wishing she could stay. But she had to go back to Alaska. She had to leave her kids behind in the tundra. It would have been cost prohibitive for them all to return home. The stress of her job is also challenging. She works prosecuting felony assaults. So she is returning from a weekend of peace and grieving with family to a job filled with violence in a place where there is no easy escape (400 miles into the tundra from Anchorage) and rampant crime. We have a long weekend together planned in two weeks. It has been planned for some time. She is still excited and looking forward to it. I have planned activities to help her relax and forget her job for a while. I have a day at a spa planned, watching Christmas carolers in downtown Portland Or, and Box seats to a showing of the Nutcracker with live orchestral music. I think she will not be one of those people that pushes loved ones away. I just need to deal with my own feelings in that regard. I still haven't spoken to her about what I felt when she told me of her grandmother. It is too soon. She knows at a high level that I went through some painful experience last year but still no details. I will probably tell her when she and I sitting together in a quiet place.
  6. I have spoken with a lot of people in the last few days... I did not come back because of her, rather it was my own response to the news. She is a different person and she is kind at heart, strong willed, and I do not think that she will be a second person in my life to withdraw in grief like so many others in this forum. My response to it was shocking to me. I am well past the relationship I lost. I am not at all pining for the lost love, nor do I have any interest in reconnecting with whom I lost. I last heard from her 13 months ago and have not spoken to her since. I have dated a few people and moved on. But there was definitely a deep scar left behind and when I heard the news the feeling of hopelessness ripped through me. She arrives at home this evening to be with her family. I expect her to go silent for a few days. I am prepared for the silence it won't be bad. She has been texting me between flights and letting me know she is safe. I will send flowers to the Funeral Home tomorrow.
  7. I had a long visit with my sister, who wisely reminded me of what you have both said above. This new lady in my life is not the same as the other and will be different. She did reach out to me. I sent her some flowers (condolences flowers, not flowers loaded with an I Love you card) and we will likely talk some more later tonight. She is a strong lady. Lawyer working in a place with one of the highest per capita rates of violent crime in the US prosecuting felony assaults. She is in the middle of a tough trial and hasn't even had a chance to process anything yet. I am just going to have to wait and see, but it definitely triggered my loss from last year....
  8. So here I am, almost exactly one year after closure from the last time I was here. I have moved on, I have not seen, or talked to the girlfriend I wrote about here before in 13 months. I have a new person in my life I care for. And today. Her grandmother died. Now all I can feel is the rush of hopelessness and helplessness I felt for the majority of 2016. The pain is overwhelming. It has only been a couple hours. My new lady has not given me any indication that she would withdraw but I cannot seem to escape the fear that history will repeat itself. I have sent a reply simply asking her to tell me what she needs and I await a response.
  9. I came here for one final update. I deleted all contact info yesterday. I deleted all photos. I deleted all emails and text messages. I had given it a month to see if I was going to be possible attempt to salvage any sort of friendship. It is not going to happen.
  10. I am feel compelled to answer this and I will preface my response by saying I am the recent dumpee of someone who lost family. I am a bit bitter, and will probably receive some negative feedback for this response but it has to be said and hopefully someone in my position. My thoughts may not agree with what is said up above. First off. I am truly sorry for your loss. It is tragic and traumatic. Also - I fully agree with all posters above that you have every right to feel what you feel and to you have every right to grieve and heal in what ever manner you need. I am going to pick a few lines from your post out of context First thing separate your relationship from your grief. Your grief is understandable. It is a powerful traumatic emotional event. But your relationship is done and it was done before the loss you just didn't know it at the time.. Both you and your boyfriend have done something wrong. I am also guilty of the same thing. You have held onto a relationship that isn't a real supportive relationship. Think back to before your loss. You admit that the relationship is not meeting your needs now, but did it ever truly meet your needs before or were you just in the relationship because it was comfortable, familiar and you didn't want to end? After having lived through this myself, and after having read all the stories on here my conclusion is no mater what people are telling themselves about how strong their relationship is or might have been it was an illusion and lies to themselves. I lied to myself. So you are both wrong in continuing this and only dragging it out and hurting yourselves more. But when you end the relationship don't blame it on the grief. Your grief and loss is not the reason you are suddenly feeling this way. Your grief is only revealing to you fundamental weaknesses that existed in the relationship to begin with. If your relationship was truly supportive, strong and meeting your needs you would be able to lean on the relationship for strength. Another comment This is both true and not true at the same time. The core of who you are is the same. But a loss will create a new scar. That new scar needs to be assimilated and added to who you are. Within any long lasting relationship that lasts a very long while changes like this are inevitable. If you are feeling this, and your relationship cannot survive the change, then it is another indicator, that regardless of what you told yourself or believed about your relationship, It was not going to survive a loss. When you have the conversation to end the relationship focus on the relationship not the grief. Make sure that your future ex to be understands that it is not because you lost your mother but because the relationship does not meet your needs. It will hurt. It will suck. But in the long run you are both better off for it. For anyone who has found this because they are in the position of Dumpee take a step back and look and look real hard at this view point from the other side.
  11. Thank you for the comments. Quite frankly I am already over it. I have a switch in my brain that once a certain point is passed that I can shut off the feelings. What I learned yesterday is that behaviors I was attributing to stress and grief were actually controlling and emotionally abusive. In addition it played well against my own abandonment anxieties I mentioned in the very beginning of this conversation. It became clear yesterday that there was no appreciation for anything I have done to try and help and support. Her behavior was completely self-centered and selfish without any consideration for the impact to me. And her actions yesterday let me know that rather than being brought down by grief - which is what I thought - the struggles she is facing have revealed the true person behind what she pretended to be before the death's in her family. I am happy and have moved on already. She may regret it someday, but I am the one with the control over second chances now. I would have to decide to give her another chance and I already know that I won't.
  12. In some ways it was better than expected in others it was worse. I don't want to go into details but she has made it very easy to move on. It is over and I feel nothing and I can go on without wasting my time trying to help and support someone who doesn't appreciate it.
  13. I have a painful meeting with the ex-girlfriend today. I was feeling down and frustrated and made a demand that she meet and give me the courtesy of a face to face ending - closure. It isn't going to be pretty. I also demanded that she pay me back money she owes me. I am actually asking for far less than what she should return but she is the one who wants things to be over. I just want a clean slate so I don't have to think about her anymore. I don't want the door to close forever, but I don't think she feels the same way. I don't even know if she is actually going to show up. We agreed to meet today - last Thursday. I went dark and didn't contact her again until this morning when I texted for confirmation of time and place. I have not heard a reply. I will probably post the outcome of the discussion later. If she shows up.
  14. *Update* I have been living out of a backpack and suitcase for almost six months now. Even when I was at "Home" it is technically my ex-wife's home where my kids live. I just own the house. I was in and out of there for a couple weeks on business and I need to not be there when my ex-wife's mom moves in with her for the winter. So I am on my way back to Montana. I have other friends up there in the science community who arranged a nice little house where I can bring my dogs and I can spend the winter snowed in focusing on work. My sons will come visit for the holidays. I leave Thursday night with a truckload of stuff. I am not re-engaging in a relationship with the girlfriend. Though she/we still periodically text. About once per week. I will be in the same general geographic area but making it a point to avoid her. Mostly for her. She knows I will be there. I announced it out of courtesy for her. I didn't want to accidentally bump into her in a grocery store or something and have it turn weird.
  15. We have a house guest. My sons found a stray kitten. Based on its size it is between three and six months old. We brought it into our house while we try and identify the owners. We can't leave it outside because where we live packs of coyotes hunt for cats. Like all kittens it runs and plays. My cat is three but has had some fun playing with it. My kids were being nostalgic for bugs bunny and abominable snowman and we have started calling the kitten George.... As in - My very own kitty cat - I shall name him George and I will love him and squeeze him and hold him and feed him. Picture of George taken for our found kitten poster
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