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I Don't Believe This

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Everything posted by I Don't Believe This

  1. So It was all me. I was panicking because of what happened before. We had our nice weekend. Last weekend. Have plans for me to come visit her home after the new year for 10 days. She is a very strong and capable woman. I am hoping it continues to work out.
  2. Thank you both, I am trying hard to just be there, but alas I am a fixer of things... So it goes against my nature and it is hard. Grief is not the only challenge. The difficulty of her job and the remoteness of where she is living exacerbates the issue. Only a few months left on her contract though. One tough Alaskan winter to go.
  3. We spoke on the phone for five hours last night. That is fairly typical for us. We spend about 30 hours a week on the phone. Last night we spent most of the time playing a verbal game. She had made a request to distract her. But she lamented a little and I could use some advice. She had mentioned that she was feeling guilty that she feels numb while most of her family is expressing grief. She also mentioned that she feels like she grieved her grandmother when dementia had taken her to a point where she was no longer recognizable as herself. I simply said that there is no expec
  4. Thank you Kay, I hope we have a good time too. One take away I have over the last couple years is to evaluate how a person handles stress before I get excited about a possible relationship. Nikki makes me happy. She is tenacious, and strong. I look forward to the long weekend and I will probably know the last things I need to know about this lady.
  5. I think so... Funeral was Sunday. I sent flowers. (see picture) It was a difficult day, as to be expected. She is the "Strong" one in her family. She was the one holding it together while the rest of the family grieved. It wasn't until later when she was on the phone with me that she told me she was numb and just waiting for it to hit. It seemed to. start hitting her on Monday. She was at home, in a place of peace. Wishing she could stay. But she had to go back to Alaska. She had to leave her kids behind in the tundra. It would have been cost prohibitive for them all to return h
  6. I have spoken with a lot of people in the last few days... I did not come back because of her, rather it was my own response to the news. She is a different person and she is kind at heart, strong willed, and I do not think that she will be a second person in my life to withdraw in grief like so many others in this forum. My response to it was shocking to me. I am well past the relationship I lost. I am not at all pining for the lost love, nor do I have any interest in reconnecting with whom I lost. I last heard from her 13 months ago and have not spoken to her since. I have dated
  7. I had a long visit with my sister, who wisely reminded me of what you have both said above. This new lady in my life is not the same as the other and will be different. She did reach out to me. I sent her some flowers (condolences flowers, not flowers loaded with an I Love you card) and we will likely talk some more later tonight. She is a strong lady. Lawyer working in a place with one of the highest per capita rates of violent crime in the US prosecuting felony assaults. She is in the middle of a tough trial and hasn't even had a chance to process anything yet. I am just going to have
  8. So here I am, almost exactly one year after closure from the last time I was here. I have moved on, I have not seen, or talked to the girlfriend I wrote about here before in 13 months. I have a new person in my life I care for. And today. Her grandmother died. Now all I can feel is the rush of hopelessness and helplessness I felt for the majority of 2016. The pain is overwhelming. It has only been a couple hours. My new lady has not given me any indication that she would withdraw but I cannot seem to escape the fear that history will repeat itself. I have sent a reply simply a
  9. I came here for one final update. I deleted all contact info yesterday. I deleted all photos. I deleted all emails and text messages. I had given it a month to see if I was going to be possible attempt to salvage any sort of friendship. It is not going to happen.
  10. I am feel compelled to answer this and I will preface my response by saying I am the recent dumpee of someone who lost family. I am a bit bitter, and will probably receive some negative feedback for this response but it has to be said and hopefully someone in my position. My thoughts may not agree with what is said up above. First off. I am truly sorry for your loss. It is tragic and traumatic. Also - I fully agree with all posters above that you have every right to feel what you feel and to you have every right to grieve and heal in what ever manner you need. I am going
  11. Thank you for the comments. Quite frankly I am already over it. I have a switch in my brain that once a certain point is passed that I can shut off the feelings. What I learned yesterday is that behaviors I was attributing to stress and grief were actually controlling and emotionally abusive. In addition it played well against my own abandonment anxieties I mentioned in the very beginning of this conversation. It became clear yesterday that there was no appreciation for anything I have done to try and help and support. Her behavior was completely self-centered and selfish withou
  12. In some ways it was better than expected in others it was worse. I don't want to go into details but she has made it very easy to move on. It is over and I feel nothing and I can go on without wasting my time trying to help and support someone who doesn't appreciate it.
  13. I have a painful meeting with the ex-girlfriend today. I was feeling down and frustrated and made a demand that she meet and give me the courtesy of a face to face ending - closure. It isn't going to be pretty. I also demanded that she pay me back money she owes me. I am actually asking for far less than what she should return but she is the one who wants things to be over. I just want a clean slate so I don't have to think about her anymore. I don't want the door to close forever, but I don't think she feels the same way. I don't even know if she is actually going to show up. We ag
  14. *Update* I have been living out of a backpack and suitcase for almost six months now. Even when I was at "Home" it is technically my ex-wife's home where my kids live. I just own the house. I was in and out of there for a couple weeks on business and I need to not be there when my ex-wife's mom moves in with her for the winter. So I am on my way back to Montana. I have other friends up there in the science community who arranged a nice little house where I can bring my dogs and I can spend the winter snowed in focusing on work. My sons will come visit for the holidays. I leave T
  15. We have a house guest. My sons found a stray kitten. Based on its size it is between three and six months old. We brought it into our house while we try and identify the owners. We can't leave it outside because where we live packs of coyotes hunt for cats. Like all kittens it runs and plays. My cat is three but has had some fun playing with it. My kids were being nostalgic for bugs bunny and abominable snowman and we have started calling the kitten George.... As in - My very own kitty cat - I shall name him George and I will love him and squeeze him and hold him and feed him.
  16. This is Rosie. She has a terrible bit wound across her back but she is doing very well. She has surgery today to remove the shunts . There are several punctures in her skin left open to facilitate drainage. The skin under the entire shaved area was pulled up from the subcutaneous layer. The incision to repair muscle damage and clean out the wound pocket is about six inches long. She has the staples removed in 10 days. The flowers and cake I sent were received and appreciated. I really don't know the status of anything that is going on relative to her health and her son. I do know he
  17. Today is her birthday. I sent her flowers and a birthday cake - her favorite cake from her favorite bakery. We are not entirely no contact but contact is down to one or two texts every 2 or 3 days. But there are two exceptions. Last Thursday she called unexpectedly. Her job sent her on a long drive and while she was returning home in the evening she reached out to me. We spoke for about an hour. She revealed that her medications are really messing her up. Prozac, Valium and one other, she has developed so much apathy that even as her blood drops towards dangerously low levels
  18. Its over. I have moved my flight schedules around to get back to Arizona first thing tomorrow morning. Cost me a lot of money but I just need to hug my dog. I am not going to fight it any more. The end was this - she wanted me to be just her friend. So I said, "I have to tell you the truth. It is not meant to be an ultimatum its just reality. I cannot be just your friend. It hurts too much. I have been in pain for months and I cannot keep it up." She accused me of trying to emotionally blackmail her and we are done. Of course every time she has start with the "I have to
  19. It has been a bad week. Yesterday we had a very tear filled conversation. She is pushing me away hard. She feels guilty that she is holding me back. That she is dragging me down with her and I am not out having fun. She feels like I should be doing what I want to do and forgetting about her and that she has nothing but apathy for everything in life right now. Even her son. She wants to break up. I have countered with I am ok with taking a break and being no-contact until October when she gets out of the inpatient program and then reevaluating.
  20. I have a rocky mountain oyster story... We were driving through the Texas panhandle - Amarillo to be precise - and there is a famous steakhouse there. We stopped and I bought a big plate of rocky mountain oysters. My kids were 12 and 13 at the time. The plate was placed in front of us and I told them exactly what they were. I have never tricked my kids into eating something, I always told them what it was they were eating. Each of them took one, took a first bite to decide, and then finished the entire order.
  21. I like horses. I think horses are beautiful and graceful animals. I have even considered buying myself a riding horse in a few years when I get to the point I am building a remote home on some property. But I wouldn't call them cute like lamb or pigs. So horses do not apply to the statement about cuter = tastier. I bet koala's are really tasty. That said, horses have been a staple in many cultures. I have had the opportunity to travel and eat all sorts of strange things like bugs, snakes and so on. My kids were raised with the idea of, "The picky eater starves first" My youngest was
  22. I like kangaroo even better. I have a theory. It is shared with my girlfriend. The cuter the animal the better it tastes. (no offence to any vegetarians on these forums)
  23. I have been experiencing something similar. Mine not so much related to the loss itself. But from my toxic family. I never realized how much abandonment I felt from my childhood until I felt my girlfriend pull away from me so fast. These events triggered a response I had never felt before and my first reaction in May was to grab a hold of her as tight as I could. It was all fear. I have not spoken with her about it in depth, but we have spoken about it enough so I know she knows I was feeling a lot of anxiety and not being myself.
  24. I did mean keep waiting to contact, not waiting for him. I see where my thought is not communicated well.
  25. Here you go Kay. If you download the image and zoom into the middle you will see the gator. It is about 30 feet away from on the right side of the center sun reflection. I will admit, gators do taste good. All I need is a stick, some rope, a little duct tape and a knife and I could get one onto a grill.
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