I Don't Believe This

I should add. There is a major difference between your situation and mine. I have separated from my girlfriend. I have left her in Montana to heal on her own. I am one week away from moving all the way to Tampa Florida which will put 2500 miles between us. But, we have not broken up. We explicitly agreed that while we were limiting contact we are still together. We communicate a little every day. Even so I can still screw this up and pressure her into pushing me away. You don't have that connection. She doesn't want to talk to you. Your only option is to wait for her to approach you. Anything more than the quote I gave you above will likely be unwelcome.

Dinner is too much. Don't do it. One week is not long enough. Since you work with her keep the conversation on work. Work is probably her distraction too. You don't want her to feel bombarded by personal s*** at work. In addition it could lead to harassment accusations for you. At most you should simply say "I hope you are doing well if you need to talk I am here for you." The key point you are missing is that this is only the beginning and it will get much worse for her before it gets any better. Her dad is dying. She is feeling pain but when he dies it will get worse. I was with my girlfriend for two weeks while she cared for her dad in hospice. She was not the same woman I had met at that time. He died on April 30th and is still mourning him as well as a half dozen other people. Let go and you have a chance.

It makes me feel bad to watch my family implode. Not because it is imploding, but because I simply cannot feel anything for them anymore. When I am not in Oregon I speak with my mother maybe once or twice a year. I spoke with my grandmother much more frequently but now she cannot use a phone independently. My sister is the only member of my family I ever communicate with on a regular basis. As much as I am hurting because my girlfriend is grieving, it is also something I love about her. She genuinely cares for people and loves the people in her family. I lost that so long ago. I worry that if I tell her these things, not only will it make her feel bad but it will make her think less of me because I can no longer care for my own family. I am not hurting because my family is going through losses. I am stressed out because I have to be here and people expect me to deal with it and then leave me out when I am not here. I also don't want to tell my girlfriend because she would be compelled get involved. She is a caregiver - not by profession, but by nature. I watched her care for her dad. She cared for grandma, she is even caring for her ex-husband as he passes. Her ability to love these people. Even those who have wronged her (her father was abusive and alcoholic) is something I admire. I love her, I feel the pain and grief of her pulling away in her pain, but I cannot feel it for my own family. I fear she would look at that and not understand how I can possibly be like that.

I need to add that my sister is over 40 and this is her first pregnancy to have a heartbeat after a couple miscarriages (both had no heartbeat at 10 weeks). So there is still risk ahead, but everyone is very happy. Also - myself and my girlfriend are the only ones who know. They are not telling the rest of the family for a couple more weeks.

Brace yourselves for a long and ugly one. I have been visiting family for a week. Since I left Oregon 14 years ago, my family does not communicate with me, at all. Most of the time it is an out of sight out of mind mentality, but occasionally I hear something like - "Well since you are not here we just don't make the effort to keep you informed." Every time I visit I learn about all the events I missed. I am posting this here to get it off my chest. My very first post in this story alludes to some serious problems in my extended family structure. Most of it hasn't changed and I left 14 years ago to raise my kids outside the influence of my extended family. I have known that many of my family members are ill for some time. As much as I would like to have my girlfriend next to me to share this, I know it would only add to her current grief. But here goes I noted this in another thread but my grandmother is suffering from the early stages of Dementia. She is now living with my mother who is acting as caregiver but not, in my opinion doing a good job. I come back to Oregon to find out mom left grandma alone to go to the store and she got lost in the house and fell down a flight of stairs. She is ok - now. The fall was months ago but I was never informed. Nor was I informed of mother's two strokes that occurred while grandma was with her. In addition, my aunt is on her death bed. She is diabetic and suffering from renal failure. But this is not what really irritates me. Her husband is abusing her. Yelling at her to get out of bed. Throwing things at her while she lays there. Refusing to give her juice or sugar when her blood sugar falls. Refusing to give her medication. The police have been involved, called by neighbors, but my aunt refuses to bring charges against him. Her kids (my cousins) are no longer willing to get involved. They have tried and given up. My aunt has essentially given up on life because her husband has been emotionally abusing her for the last 40 years, and One of my uncles is also very ill. While he is ill he is raising a grandson abandoned by my cousin. I cannot wait to leave again - one more week of work here to finish. Unfortunately - my connection with my family is so broken its more stressful than causing me feelings of grief. Other friends and family have passed and I don't find out until I return for another visit. Only my grandmother will be missed. One shining little piece of joy in this visit. My sister is 10 weeks pregnant. They just heard the heartbeat for the first time today. I had to tell this to my girlfriend because she loves babies. So I called her at work and simply said - Hi, my sister is having a baby and there was a brief bit of happiness over the phone. But in my excitement I didn't think that it might make her feel bad because her sister who is in stage 4 cancer was planning to start trying before the diagnosis earlier this year.

She uses her phone as her internet connection. Skype, Facebook etc are all through the mobile device. No phone = no connectivity for her. So not only can she not contact me but everyone she cannot contact anyone she normally has connections with. She sent email through work computers. I suspect I will get an email or two through her work account during the week.

So we are on a temporary technology enforced no contact. It sucks but it is no one's fault. Our contact has been limited to give her space but she has been having trouble with her phone for a few weeks. Normally we engage in morning talk on her commute but the Bluetooth has been cutting in and out on her phone. One she purchased new in May. About 10 days ago the calls stopped. Last Tuesday when I sent a text and asked how her day was she said that she was on an angry call to Apple. Friday I get a very welcome phone call where she explained that her phone was busted and it could be days to weeks before Apple replaces it. Our conversations have been limited to small talk and just keeping up with status but it is lonely not hearing from her. She sent me an email yesterday which we replied back and forth a couple times but she is a phone and text person, not much of an email person. Email is too much like work for her.

That is the same sort of relief I feel about my grandmother. Her life has been long and full.

My advice stands. Let her go. Your only chance is to pretend she doesn't exist for a while. In a few months maybe you will get lucky and she will reach out to you.

You are young. A little insecure. I get that I have been too. If you haven't read my story go read it. You have to let her go. I am currently a thousand miles from my girlfriend wishing I were with her but it is the only chance I have of salvaging my relationship. If you don't let go it will be over. Do whatever you can to take your mind off it all. Take a vacation with buddies. Work out at the gym. Do anything that makes you stop thinking about her.

Her ex husband is in the hospital. It doesn't look like it's the end but he has been in and out of the hospital frequently. I feel bad because it is summer, her son has no one there, and she had to drag him to work with her. She asked me to be elsewhere, but entertaining her son through the day is a tangible way I could actually be helpful.

I would have no trouble sharing anything I have posted here with her. I am a very open person. Her not so much. She has a much more reserved approach to sharing. Even with me. Seachelle, I wish you all the best with your mother. She has to be quite young for that diagnosis. As sad as it is to see I have been thankful that my grandmother made it as long as she did.

Dementia is all to common. My girlfriend is unlikely to join a forum such as this. She had a very introverted approach to dealing with problems. She is in therapy, but she pushes away people around her. So now I am on the road. Washington last week. Oregon this week and next. California the following week and the onto Florida.

Thank you, both of you, for those kind comments. For the record I never had the impression that those whom have commented did not believe the story, it is reactions I see from others and I can see where a random reader could have the same impression. When I started writing this down here I was also in disbelief. Now, six weeks later, having left Montana at her request, I feel the wear and a bit of apathy towards the situation has set in. My brother in law asked me last night what the plan was. We are both business minded people and make lots of plans. My honest answer was, "There is no plan."

I have relayed this whole story to others, like my sister and mother. I am becoming used to the look of incredulous confusion. I have had friends question this asking me if this is really happening and are these people really passing or is my girlfriend just engaging in some elaborate ruse to create drama and be the center of attention. I read the whole story and hardly believe it myself. The reaction from others at first report of her dad's fall was supportive and understanding. Now it has reached the point that weariness of the tale has people no longer interested in hearing more. I go through this whole story and wonder how many people read it and think that I am making this up as I go. Months of anxiety about my relationship and watching someone I care about suffer greatly is brutal to say the least. Even I feel weariness at dealing with the emotions her life's turmoil is inducing upon me. She has lost eight people in nine weeks. As much as I know there is an end ahead, it feels as if this will go on and on in perpetuity.

Girlfriend lost her dad's mother today. Her exact quote to me was she doesn't know how to feel. I was with my girlfriend when she last visited her grandma in April. Her grandma was in late stages of dementia and the visit was not pretty. Grandma was asking for her son (girlfriend's Dad) but he was in hospice after his fall. (Why we were in California) I know from other conversations that my girlfriend is feeling a mixture of relief and loss. I have asked if she would like to talk but it won't be until later. In the larger picture, my girlfriend has two more family members with pending illnesses. But these two family members report a year or more life to live. I am hoping that they will make those reported timelines and my girlfriend will have a break from this. Not a break from the mourning process, but a break from weekly news that someone else has passed.

Thank you kayc. I am OK with what is happening with my grandmother. I am much more concerned about the events in my girlfriend's life. My grandma has had a long healthy life and in talking to her she is ready. I am one who celebrates the relief that will come to my grandmother, much more than the loss. I put this out for Seachelle just to let her know that there are several other younger people out here going through what she is.

I don't know if I am youngish... But 45 year old watching my girlfriend (35) go through terrible losses. The story is elsewhere on this forum but I am watching as she loses dad, two sisters, both grandmothers, an aunt, an ex (father of her son) and two close friends. Watching the grief for the six losses that have already occurred and the three more on the way I can see the isolation you speak of occurring to her. Some of it is people withdrawing from her, as if they cannot understand what she is going through and don't want to face it themselves. And then there are those of us she is pushing away. For my part, I am facing the impending loss of my most beloved relative My grandmother is beginning her walk into dementia. She is 90 years old and has suddenly and rapidly declined. Less than two years ago she was healthy, spry and living independently. Now she needs near constant supervision and gets lost in her own home. Her entire life has shrunk into a single room she hardly ever leaves.

I should add that I did not bring up anything about my effort to learn about her father. Wisdom of waiting was heard.

Stuck in Salt Lake City airport for a while so I thought I would thank both of you for your advice. I announced the birthday surprise through a text while she was at work. I chose that because she had told me she was going to be speaking with her employers about a leave of absence and I wanted a date on her radar. I said. I have had a birthday surprise planned for you. I have been planning it since March. I was never just going to spring it on you suddenly because it requires some prep on your part. But recent events have been making me think about how this surprise might impact how you feel. I have made arrangements for you, me and your son to attend the 500mph land speed record attempt by the turbine engine super car I told you about in February. If you don't remember 5500 units of turbine horsepower awesomeness. The event is the week after your birthday and I wanted to make it a gift for you. Had your father been able I would have invited him too. Part of me thinks about going and how it would be a way to not only celebrate your life, but to do it in a manner that your father would whole heartily approve of. Another part of me wonders if it would be just to painful for you. The plans are not set in stone. I can cancel at any time, even at the last minute. I will completely defer to your wishes and feelings about this. I wanted to tell you because you may need to plan a day or two off work. She replied. I need a lot more than a day or two for this. I am talking to my boss next week. I will let you know. She met me at my temporary house to drop my son and I at the airport. We held each other's hands for a moment and hugged goodbye when she said to me, "We will make this work out." Each small interaction she takes a tiny step back towards being us again. I know the road is going to be much longer. Especially with the illnesses looming over her family. But I will keep holding onto my hope for our future and give her a lot of space for the next few weeks while I go sell a company and start three more.

If I didn't make it clear the surprise for her birthday is seven weeks away. I was going to tell her today so she could have some time to plan a three day trip from Montana to Utah.

I need to add she does know that I sorted her father's records. She asked me to. She was so busy with him she had no one to go through files and determine his financial status and gather legal information for last minute set up a trust just in case she needed to care for him. So I know everything about her dad's life from legal and financial perspective. To get the information I needed to find I had to go through his divorce record between him and her mother, bank statements and other deeply personal records. My girlfriend is OK with all that. The stuff I haven't told her is much more emotional. I have an electronic copy if her dad's music collection that I could upload to her car or phone. I have knowledge of who he was beyond the legal records.

I need actual advice and in a relatively timely manner. I had been planning to announce aa birthday surprise for my girlfriend. Something I have been working on for months (before all of the losses) and I know it would have been something she would have looked forward to before the loss of her father. But somthing else happened last night which has made everything even more unbelievable that I really have no words for it. Text message exchange. (As always, Names Changed) GF: Bob shot himself yesterday morning. (Bob is her dad's best friend and someone who helped us out while we were dealing with her dad's decline in April.) ME: I am sorry! I am here for you even if you only want to vent over the phone. GF: He missed my dad and has not been doing well. (GF and Bob have been talking regularly) GF: Bob was the tether that kept me rooted to my dad. The only person left that had stories to tell me. GF: I feel like I am losing my dad all over again. I say a few more reassuring words and she stops responding for the evening. Which I understand and is OK. This morning she calls for our usual morning commute conversation. She is not doing well as to be expected. I am leaving town tonight. She is taking me to the airport and checking to see is she can make time for lunch. And so here is my dilemma. It has two parts. I had not yet met her dad when all of this started. Her dad lived 1500 miles away and timing being what it was it never happened. I was supposed to meet him at my my girlfriend's baby sister's wedding but that got messed up by all the chaos and now baby sister has terminal cancer too. Before his fall and all this loss my girlfriend and I were planning marriage and children. When her dad fell and was declining I saw the writing on the wall. Something that has always bothered me as a father of my two sons is I never had any information about their grandfather. My mother and I were abandoned by my own dad before I was born and never knew him. In April I was looking forward, indeed I still have hope for our future. I saw what was happening and I didn't want to have a future child where I would have no knowledge of two grandfathers. So while my girlfriend spent her time caring for her dad at the hospital and in hospice. I cleaned and organized his house and records for her. I also made it a point to learn and memorize as much as I could about her father. I burned copies of his entire music collection and have it in a folder. I learned about work, talked to his friends and neighbors. And even though I never met him personally I developed a very good understanding of the person he was. I have not told my girlfriend that I did this. The time never seemed right. In addition, I have been planning a birthday event for her for months. I have a lot of interesting contacts due to my job and one contact is in turbine engine control. A person I have worked with for a number of years. My friend is developing the controls for a turbine engine driven supercar that is going to attempt to break the 500mph land speed record at Bonneville Salt flats the week of my girlfriend's birthday. Both my girlfriend and her father are gear heads and into fast cars and motorcycles. Her dad was a driver in motorcycle races and would have loved to be here for this. I knew all this before his fall and have been arranging for all of us to attend the event and give her an opportunity to get up close and personal with 5500 units of turbine horsepower. I was going to invite her dad as well. These plans started in March. I was going to reveal the surprise to her today before I left. I am torn. I don't have stories to tell about her dad but I want her to know how much I familiarized myself with him and why. I also want to tell her about the surprise so she can plan a few days, but I don't know if she would enjoy it without her dad. I never had an intention to spring it on her at the last minute because some planing for time off work was needed but I have been holding back on this surprise for a while. Part of me thinks of it as a thing to do that could be a reminder of who he was but at the same time the reminder could be too painful. Especially after Bob shooting himself yesterday. In regards to learning about her father I don't know if she would be happy or upset. Did I somehow intrude on her memories of him trying to understand who he was? I know he and I are similar men. Both men of science and engineering. My girlfriend gets her intelligence for math and finance from her father and even from his photos I can see some resemblance to myself. I worry that part of her desire to pull away from me is that I remind her of him. I am asking the wonderful people of this forum how much should I tell her about my knowledge of her father? Also do you think it is still a good birthday surprise to try and attend.

Updates are going to be farther apart in the coming weeks. I leave Montana tomorrow. Over the next ten weeks I have packed my schedule with business in Washington, Oregon, California, Florida, Pennsylvania, New York, DC, Maryland, Virginia, Missouri, Texas, and then back to Arizona for a couple weeks. In addition if my girlfriend accepts I will make sure I am present in Montana for her birthday in about six weeks. It will be a long haul but I will be busy and it will help me give her a little space. We have not broken up but she feels guilty that I am in Montana alone. The work will also be a finance boon because I will be living 100% on corporate expense for 10 weeks. I remain acutely aware that she still might break up with me but I am holding out hope. She told me that this weekend she is going to sort her dad's belongings. I know it will be hard for her. I intend not to contact her on those days unless she reaches out first.

It has been a few days and I thought I would update this chronicle. So our meeting to talk on last Saturday fell through. She had made plans to do something special for her son and ex-husband for what is likely to be his last Father's Day weekend before he passes. Her ex made the event unbearable and frustrating which also rubbed off onto her son's mood. By the time we were supposed to talk she had no more energy. Work has been hard but successful and distracting for both of us. However, tomorrow is her son's 6th birthday and my girlfriend's mom is in town to visit. Sunday we are all going to have a big family day out on the trails. Me, her, my son, her son, her mom and a young adopted sister that is also visiting. I am very happy about this. I have not had the opportunity to met my girlfriend's mom yet. The closest we got was when I was in California helping my girlfriend cope with her dad's final days. Since her mom and dad were divorced and I things may have been awkward she did not want to introduce me at that time. I think this is the most positive thing I have seen from my girlfriend. She was almost a little bubbly on the phone today. I also think it points to her wanting to try and get through this with our relationship intact.