I Don't Believe This

I agree with Kay here. Flowers and and a nice card with condolences is good. Be prepared to not hear from her for several days, only because she will be busy and then look for her reaction to the loss. If she starts to pull away let her go. But don't be selfish about it. Let her know you understand that she needs some space and will be there to listen when she needs you.

Thanks Marty, I will pass that advice along. Unfortunately I think the problem lies more in the fact that my girlfriend is a bit cynical and skeptical of therapy to begin with. I have heard her flat out say that she doesn't believe in its efficacy. I have a work history where I have helped women who have been assaulted find empowerment again. I am not a therapist of any sort but I have practiced martial arts my entire life. Not just the punch, kick and block variety you find on most schools that target kids and people who don't know any better. (Incidentally, these places are frequently found in the same strip malls as Chuck e Cheese pizza places and I condescendingly call them Chuck e Cheese Karate) Rather I have practiced more fundamental forms of martial arts deeply rooted with philosophical teaching. I worked on finding the will inside to overcome anxiety and fear. I think that she may benefit from a bit of philosophy. She is meeting me tonight to speak about this. I am working on an outline of the work I have done in this area and I am going to offer to her to start down this path. I do hope she accepts.

New problem I am trying to figure out. My girlfriend seems to now be taking death personally. As if she is the center of a Maelstrom of bad luck that is killing people off. Apparently, yesterday the dad of a friend of hers had a sudden heart attack at work and passed away. He is an acquaintance, she had met him at a dinner or two and thought he was a nice man. Of course I would expect her to have some feelings in this situation and wish to console her friend, but it appears that she is feeling that this man's death is somehow her fault for being present in this man's life. She has even mentioned to me that I should run away from her before I drop dead too. I know what is causing this. I know she has a lot of fear and anxiety related to loss. She is having nightmares about losing her son. She is having nightmares about the upcoming loss of her sister and her mom (who is not ill but my girlfriend knows that eventually she will pass - everyone does.) My girlfriend is beginning to sever ties with everyone and it is not healthy. She is beginning to cling to her son in an unhealthy manner. She is going to therapy twice a week but tells me it does nothing for her and she mostly goes to make her mother happy. I need to find some way to help her through this.

Advice from a guy. At 1.5 months you are not yet in love. You only think you are. At this point any relationship you thought existed is still part of a fantasy that your mind constructs during the early stages of meeting a new romantic contact. People are programmed by biology to feel this way in the early stages of meeting. It is like a drug that fills you with euphoria. Now with the unfortunate event in your girlfriend's life you are left going through withdrawals. At this stage of the relationship I would back away. But you don't need to ghost her. You have already identified that your behaviors are selfish. Call her and say that you are asking for too much of her time under these circumstances, you don't want to be selfish and you are going to give her some space to be with her mom. You don't need to close the door completely. Schedule a call every two weeks to check in. Otherwise let her take the lead and find aa healthy way to keep yourself busy.

Thank you, everyone. I agree that real love is worth the wait and the work. I wouldn't be here otherwise. We now both believe that we are each other's soulmate Both of us are skeptical science types and before we met each other, we didn't believe in the concept. Not any more. The ease with which we integrated our lives was astounding to us both. We don't ever fight. Disagreements are minimal and usually a misunderstanding of language we use describe something. We have the same interests, hobbies, goals, values, beliefs, taste in food, and these similarities are not merely superficial. Within a week of knowing each other we determined we could order each other food off a menu and choose correctly. We could look at a political, social or other public situation and ask the other, "What do you think I would do to solve problem XYZ" and invariably we could predict 8 to 10 bullet points regarding the other's views. It was very strange how we came to be. It was almost as if we both opened our eyes at the same time and realized that the other was there.

I will be moving around between Corvallis, Dallas, Salem and Portland.

My flowers we well received. I don't think it will take a year. She needs stability for her son before his father passed. We had a good set of plans to provide that stability for him, but the additional grief of losing sisters, grandmothers, aunts and friends has taken its toll. She feels lost. I know that right she simply cannot see the path forward and her entire life is uncertainty and anxiety. My plans always seem to be in flux. I am now traveling to the state of Oregon for most of the month of July to close a business negotiation. I will only be a 10 hour drive from her if she ends up needing me.

The main thing that is driving my move back to Arizona is she feels guilty that I am here alone. We are still talking, just not as much. She still gives me the short morning call on her way to work. And she still occasionally texts me throughout the day. I am trying to initiate conversation much less. But I still have the opening for light conversation. I texted her a picture of my exhausted son yesterday after he and I made it up the most challenging trail on the nearby mountain. (1100 feet vertical rise up a 30% grade. It is almost like climbing the stairs of a 110 floor building) I am going to give her some flowers for her desk at work today. (live orchids, her favorite) I am confident she will make it through the other side of this. I know her grandma is fading fast. She has suffered several strokes in the last year and has full blown dementia. Her passing is expected soon and while it will be a blessing to ease her grandma's misery it won't be easy for my girlfriend. After this though she should have a break before there is more.

I leave Montana June 30th. We are not going total no contact. We will have a once a week phone call to check in with each other. I will not be texting her unless I am responding to her.

I offered her the break. She texted me about being overwhelmed with this latest loss and I suggested that I give her space. I specifically mentioned that I am not breaking up with her, but I thought it might be best for her that I give her some room. This is why I say semi-no contact. I want to leave the door open for a once a week or every second week check in and conversation. She is lower than I have ever seen her. Events in her life have led her to living in fear almost all the time. She carries weapons because she is afraid of assault. (concealed firearms). She worries about money because she is afraid of not being able to provide for her son. She suffers from weekly to daily anxiety and nightmares about losing her son. And now as her support structure crumbles she is falling apart. All I see when she lets her guard down and really communicates with me is how much fear she is going through. On top of this her doctors have removed her Prozac prescription. She is going to go through Prozac withdrawls for the next month while they start her on something new. Her aunt died the day after they took the Prozac away. I don't want to do this but I am looking at the bigger picture of just giving a little room to process and keeping my fingers crossed for her.

I still have not decided if I am leaving or staying in Montana. However my girlfriend and I are having a discussion tomorrow about going no contact to semi-no contact with each other for a fixed period of time. I have a boarding room arranged that would be an uncomfortable but an inexpensive option to stay in Montana. I will decide on whether I stay or go based on what we set for the length of the break, periodicity of check in, if any and so on. I will also be making arrangements for one last play session with her son so I can tell him a story about why he won't see me for a while.

I am at a new low in this process. We were supposed to have lunch to discuss a decision I have to make. After this morning's call I knew that wasn't going to happen. We were going to discuss whether or not I should leave Montana or stay. My time limit for the end of June decision has arrived. Our last month has been difficult but we have remained in daily contact and I have built such a good relationship with her son. I am now left to make the stay or go decision without knowing her input and I am filled with uncertainty. Uncertainty is an unfamiliar feeling for me.

My son arrived. It's nice to have him here. My girlfriend did not meet him at the airport with me. She had a low blood sugar event two hours before his flight arrived. She called this morning in tears. Her aunt passed early today. This was known to be coming but much sooner than expected. She is broken and still has to endure the upcoming loss of grandma, baby sister, and ex husband. I don't know how much more she can take.

My gilrfriend is starting to return to some of the rituals we had before her father was injured. She calls me on her drive to and from work each day and engages in a little small talk about her day. Unfortunately she is sick - again. Just before her dad fell she spent most of the month of March with a chronic sinus infection. It was bad enough that an eardrum burst and surgery was required to prevent loss of hearing. Since the ordeal with her family began I have watched her waver in and out of illness and now the infection is back. I can tell that stress is impacting her immune system. She has gone to the doctor. She is on antibiotics - again - which will leave her vomiting because they do. Tomorrow, one of my sons arrives to stay in Montana with me for a few weeks. My girlfriend is going to go with me to meet him at the airport. However I would not hold it against her if she is too sick. She says she is looking forward to meeting my son. Maybe she still wants to check him for damage and see what sort of dad I am. It will be nice to have my son here and take him marching through the hills. His presence will help distract me from turmoil caused by this string of events.

We had a couple hours alone yesterday. Her son had been acting out and she decided to leave him with dad instead of come play with me. We had a nice lunch for a couple hours. All small talk. However we were able to clear up a big miscommunication that blew up Saturday evening. She talks about her son a lot and I of course talk about mine. Her son has a lot similar traits with my own - ADHD in particular. Sometimes she will describe an issue with her son and I reply, "I went through something similar with my boys and this is how I handled it. (fill in story here). In other cases, as I have gotten to know her son better, I am noticing his quirks and sometimes I talk about what I am learning about her son. Saturday night she blew up at me for being critical of her mommying, trying to tell her how she should be raising him and telling her stuff she already knows about him like she is unaware of his personality. I now know that her feelings on this have been ongoing for a while but with the current extra stress she lashed out at me. I have never been or intended to be critical of her or how she raises her son. I have only ever been trying to share my experiences as a parent. And as I learn her son's personality, the things that are old news to her are new discoveries for me which I was merely trying to communicate. I think we worked through it, but it is indicative of everything in our relationship under this additional stress. I am constantly on my guard worried that I will say the wrong thing at the wrong moment. After lunch with her she was heading to a girls day with a friend. I decided to push myself on the hiking trails near the house I am living in. Marched 17 miles up and down mountains in 7 non-stop hours. Lots of pain today.

You were lucky. Regardless of how this level of commitment is reached it is what is required to get through this. Some may achive this through mutual faith, others may achieve it in thier own manner. I think the pattern I see over and over is people equate passion and chemistry for love. Love = Commitment. Passion and Chemistry = Connection. The initial connection is important to create the start of the relationship, but the commitment is where real love lies.

Love is a choice is the lesson I have learned through this so far. I have read all the stories on this forum. This forum is where people land when they are searching for why they were dumped by a partner due to grief. The population is self selected towards the pool of failed relationships. So I also searched beyond this. It is unfortunate the difference between chemistry and real committed love. I have read some essays that talk about how chemistry is the evolutionary trick our brains play on us to try and hold people together long enough to develop real love. The stories I have found where relationships have survived this are the stories where both people in the grief event have made a strong enough commitment to consciously make a decision to keep on loving someone no matter how difficult things get. It may be true that my girlfriend never really made it past the initial romance and chemistry. In which case as her feelings are crushed under this grief, so to the love she thought she had for me. I hope that in the next days she can decide to hold on. It is also true some people are not really ever capable of committed love. When a challenge like this tests the relationship you find out for certain whether the person you are with is actually capable of committed love or not. So on one hand I guess there is a blessing underneath all this turmoil we are going through. If we make it we will know 100% that we are capable of real, deep love for each other. If we do not make it, regardless of where I am and what my feelings are, my girlfriend was never able to match them. Maybe she would have if we had more time to bond into a couple before tragedy struck. I work with the DOD and digging into the research on grief, how it affects the mind, how it affects decision making it is much like what a combat soldier feels in a stressful situation. Imagine running off the boats onto the Normandy landing. You are scared, confused, people are being shot around you. What keeps the soldier going under this sort of mental chaos. The Plan is what keeps the soldier driving forward. I have to run straight, past the breakwater to the sand berm where there is cover. That is the plan. It is a thought and action structure to push the soldier regardless of the fear and chaos. Using that as an analogy, committed love gives a couple a plan. It may be difficult to follow when someone is confused by grief and suffering loss but the plan keeps things moving forward. A good committed love provides a comfortable structure of thoughts, beliefs and actions for a person with grief to exist within. Work is easy because it is repetitious and requires little emotional investment. Friends are easy because they are predicable, established and require little emotional investment. New love is neither predictable or structured yet so it is uncomfortable. It needs to progress to the point of stable and reliable. For those who have lost their loves this level of stability was never really established. Even if the relationship had been years in the development, long distance can create a false sense of closeness. You long for the person from far away and when you are together the chemistry and romance kicks in. If you never actually lived together, if you never actually spent solid weeks together you are not stable you are not committed, no matter how much verbal commitment has been expressed it isn't real yet. So most of the stories on this forum are losses of this type. Loss of a false commitment. I am keeping my hope. I still think my girlfriend and I have a chance to pull through this. And it may only be because of her son and the simple fact I give him some safety and some stability.

I have a rental lined up if needed. They know the decision is coming next week when I hit an time limit on airfare prices. We got some burritos and ate dinner in a park tonight and went walking through an outdoor mall. She and I didn't talk anything beyond small talk. She knows I have to make this decision and I would like to know her opinion on what she feels is best. She also knows the decision is a week away. Like usual I played with her son. Taught him active physical stuff like climbing chain link fences... because we don't need gates!... and how to imitate chimpanzees... because we are all monkeys inside.

I did want to share something I sent her today. After she told me that she thought I dumped her I was a bit desperate. This violates all of what I have been trying to avoid by being emotional and not pushing anything of the future. But after she thought I had just outright dumped her I needed to reply. Less than two months ago we had rings picked out and were preparing to be married. I asked her to read this and then come see me at lunch. (I wrote it fast and directly from my heart. It repeats a little) I sometimes struggle with words when I get emotional. Pain makes it hard for me to say what I am thinking and feeling. I said somethings Wednesday night that are true but out of some context and surrounded with a lot of pain. I have had a lot of time over the last couple of months to think about love, chemistry and commitment. The initial rush of chemistry we experienced, the beautiful weeks of romantic bliss that enticed us to say I love you that was not love. It was chemistry. It was beautiful. It was magical and it revealed to both of us that soulmates are real and we are soulmates. I still believe this and if you don't go back and look at the things we felt for one another. But Love - real committed love - is a choice. It is something we decide upon and I decided to give myself to you completely. I gave you my heart. I gave you my trust, and I committed fully to you. I chose to love you. And I still do. Also I believe that you gave of yourself to me. Otherwise I would not have made the choices I did. We connected on a real level beneath the romance. We grilled each other for compatibility. Endless questions and we know what we want in a partner. I know you are my partner and I am your partner. I chose to uproot my life and take the greatest risk I could ever take to be here with you. To be here to love you. I chose to be here because I want to love you. I want to commit to you. I want to marry you and be with you for the remainder of my life. I enjoy playing with your son because I choose to care for him and to love him. I want to be here when he needs me after his dad is gone. I want to adopt him and support him with you as he gets older. Watch us play and look for the feelings I have for him. They are there. I am here because I choose to be and I love you because I want to love you. The chemistry gave me the initial draw to you, but everything else that followed told me that this is right. We belong together and in that belonging we built a dream together. I choose to be here and I choose to hold onto that dream with hope for US. Life has thrown you some unlucky and tragic circumstances. In your grief and loss your ability to emotionally connect is destroyed. We don't have to be unlucky in love. These events have destroyed our chemistry and passion. But it does not have to destroy love. No matter how this scars you. No matter how this changes you I will still love you because I want and choose to love you. We may need to take some time and rediscover our chemistry. We may struggle through this but that is what real love is. Real love is the mutual struggle against adversity. That is what will bond us together as a couple that will make it to the end of our lives. This mutual struggle will give us the committed love and marriage we have both been looking for. Imagine for a moment that this ordeal in your life happened two years later. We had a happy courtship, got married and then tragedy. What would be different? You would still be in pain. You would still be unable to connect with me emotionally. We would still need to struggle through the inevitable changes. Nothing would be different except for the marriage. You may not be able to remember it right now but we committed to each other. I committed myself to you and you committed yourself to me. Our intent has always been marriage and what has changed. The circumstances that swirl around us are horrible but I still love you and hope that you can choose to continue to love me - even though you cannot feel love for me right now. This is what relationships are. Relationships are hard and real love takes work, especially through such difficult times. People experience loss, tragedy and change and if we work together and choose to love each other WE can survive this event. I say WE because there is you, me and us. Individually we will both eventually get through this, but we have to choose to love each other. This tragedy isn't over. It is ongoing. After it is done, there will be more. Life always has some s*** to throw our way. When the next pile of s*** hits our fan maybe it will be me who is struggling and we have to work through changes in my life. I want to marry you I am already, in my own heart, committed to you for the rest of my life. I want to make it official. This commitment is not how I felt about you when we met. It is a measure of my willingness and desire to love you no matter what life throws at us. It is a measure of my understanding that you will change and that we will both need to work to rediscover one another. I want to be there for your son. I choose to love him as much as I choose to love you. I want to make our shared dreams come true. I am trying hard to be the man you need me to be, not what I expect I should be. I am trying to listen to what you need and take the actions necessary to get through this ordeal. No matter how much they hurt me. It is much easier for me to be a man and friend for for your son because children are easy for me. I want to continue being here for him. Watch us play. Watch how we hug and hold. I adore him, and I know he adores me. These two things. My love for you and my caring for your son is why I am struggling so with a decision to leave. I think that maybe you need some time with out me here but it will hurt your son if I leave. I don't want to leave. But I may need to leave - for you - so you can heal and find your love for me again. If I have to leave it will hurt me dearly. Just thinking about it is like having my heart pulled from my chest. But that pain is worth it for you.

No I don't mind. I was getting ready to come here this afternoon anyway. It has been a difficult week. We had dinner at my house on Wednesday - Bowls of Cereal - and she was having a lot of anxiety. All of our plans together are definitely on hold as I expected. I offered to leave Montana when my lease is up at the end of June and give her some space. But I couldn't contain my emotions and the exchange was tearful. She left suddenly. Then yesterday a child at school told her son that she and his dad were going to die and go to hell. With everything going on her son turned into an emotional wreck. I didn't see her yesterday but she sent me a few texts about his bad day. It was today that she told me that she thought I was dumping her. I begged for her to come see me at lunch and she did. I was able to explain that I only want to leave if she thinks it is what is best for her. I was able to explain that I am having difficulty of my own through this and if she needs some space I want to give it to her. The problem is her son and I get along very well. When he comes to play with me on the weekends I am his happy day amidst a lot of instability. So, if I stay I could be hurting her and our chances at a relationship. If I go and don't manage her son's expectations for my return I could be hurting him. In addition my absence will be noticed because I am fun time. I have until next Thursday to either get a new place to stay or buy a plane ticket. I asked her as gently as I could to give me some help with that decision before then. She has a funeral to attend tomorrow. I may see her and her son tonight and Sunday. I may not. I don't know. I really don't know anything. This funeral is her fifth since April 15th. Her baby sister, grandma, aunt and ex-husband are all terminal with 3 to 12 months still remaining. By the end of this year or mid next year she will have lost a total of 9 people in her life. She told me she has therapy today and she is going to talk to her therapist about me. I don't know what that means with regard to our relationship.

Yesterday when I checked up on her she was not doing well. I didn't intrude on her privacy beyond confirming she was alive. She spent the entire day in bed. The emotional roller coaster is apparent. One day good, yesterday bad, today is good again. She wanted to go hiking today, but high winds were kicking up allergens. We did the same as usual. She slept on my couch and I spent several hours playing with her son. I am still hopeful that we will get through it but she is still drifting away emotionally. I don't say anything and focus on her son. She has made plans and the missed them four times in the last week and a half. For instance she calls and asks if I want dinner and the calls later and informs me that she forgot a Dr. appointment. This does not bother me. I understand that at this time forgetfulness is a common grief factor. But - one of the four she never even informed me that she wasn't going to make it. I waited for an hour before texting to see of she was working late. Another hour later she replied saying Dr, Appointment. It sucks but I cannot complain.

I hold to a certain view of masculinity that revolves around responsibility. Most importantly a man takes care of responsibilities and doesn't let things slide. In addition a man doesn't shy away from conflict or difficulty. Take on challenges head on, deal with them and move forward. In my mind if her ex husband was really thinking about what is best for his son, and if he he wasn't such passive aggressive manipulator, rather than trying to monitor and control her behavior and decions, he would realize that there now three responsible adults in his son's life and that the three parties need to negotiate an understanding of roles and what is actually in his son's best interest. His viewpoint is so self-centered and his unwillingness to compromise only creates more issues, rather than help to provide a stable environment for his son. My girlfriend left before dinner yesterday afternoon in need of a nap. About 9:30pm I sent her a message asking if she had slept through dinner. At 7:30 am she replied that she ate but doesn't remember it. She also said she felt drugged but didn't take anything. Ihave not heard from her since. I am on my way to check up on her.

Kay, You actually hit the nail on the head. It is clear that her ex does not trust her to make decisions in the best interest of her son. I had to go make me a sandwich for dinner and while I did I was thinking about this. All of the custody terms I am aware of, and which I see visibly impacting our ability to interact with each other and her son are designed to remove decision making agency from her. He isn't dating or meeting women so there is no actual reciprocation even though there may be in writing. The terms artificially set unrealistic time limits and force her to choose whetheror not to break a term or appease her ex. I have mentioned that prior to the current chaos, she was looking at these terms with a more critical eye. NowI think she is just tired and doesn't want to put up a fight. We have already broken the term that her son is not allowed to meet people she dates for a fixed period. I discussed this before. It was obvious that this was impossible to maintain. But additional terms set out time limits on when she can introduce the concept of a new relationship and so on. The real problem is an apparent unwillingness to compromise. He is usually her only available baby sitter because he won't meet new people to approve of them. One of the things my girlfriend said today, "My son is onto you and its causing problems and I cannot address with him until we have been serious for 6 months" From this I can be fairly certain that her son has told her ex something like "I saw mommy's new friend give her a kiss goodbye." and it is causing issues. For my part I don't ever talk about her ex to her son. I completely pretend the guy doesn't exist. My interaction with her son is completely about him and I. But I overhear him say things that don't sound like a child, but like repetition of what his dad might be saying to him. So I suspect that his dad is asking him questions about what the three of us do,

She has been on valium for 15 years. I don't think she will ever stop. I will PM why. And I agree her ex has far too much control of her actions all in the name of what's best for her son. It is very passive/aggressive control. I would like her mother to come just so she has someone her ex cannot take her son away from.

It was a good day today. A nice full Saturday with no new bad news. First Saturday with no new bad news in weeks. If we can make it through Monday it will be the best weekend she has had since the beginning of April. We went for crepes at 9:30am. The crepe restaurant has a play area for children. There was a cute little 18 month old girl there and watching her play with my girlfriend's son brought out a few real smiles from her. I know she wants more children It was a factor in the divorce. After breakfast we toured a classic car show looking at old cars and got back to my house so her son and I could play LEGOs and Minecraft. She relaxed on the couch for a couple hours. Then it was out for lunch, birthday shopping at a toy store for her son (it is about four weeks away) and back to my house for more Minecraft and LEGOs. There were lots of mini conversations. Her son has figured out that something is up between mommy and this new guy. She said he loves to come over and play with my toys but he is starting to ask some questions. It is a problem. Before all this began she had discussed alteration of her custody agreement with her ex to help make a transition easier. A previous verbal agreement was to allow her to begin discussing the concept of dating with her son June 1st. She informed me today that the ex has now changed his opinion and wants to push that date out two more months. I did not comment beyond acknowledgement. She is taking a lot of valium right now. I don't know the exact dosage. I just know she sets an alarm and takes two 30 minutes or so before she starts to wake up. I could tell when it started wearing off. She has anxiety and ptsd stemming from the previous event in her life I wont mention. She has a standing order on the valium prescription due to this. Her doctors do have a monthly limit on what she can be given. However she said that normally she only needs one, but now with all the stuff going on she is taking two.