Muggs138

Thank you guys for the kind words. I know it is hard on everyone that has lost someone dear to them. I cannot find a way to stop all the negative thinking lately...All the "what if's", the "why's", the "what could of been's" and it is making it so hard to have hope for my future. I am at the age where I do not want to start this all over again with someone else, so living in the past where "we" were is where I constantly find myself, but the memories are still very painful and all the "what if's" are absolutely destroying me. I find myself obsessing over it...I have tried many things from therapy, to mediation, prayer, but I still cant help but keep going over and over in my head about everything that has happened, and dwelling in the past. After all, the past is where all my dreams came true, where he was,where we were,and where i was so happy with my life. Now everything is so stagnant, so sad and boring, all my happiness has just left when he did. I try so hard to find joy in things, and to laugh and be grateful for the things i have been given in this life, but it always comes back to i would trade it all just for him to be alive and well again. Sometimes i feel like i am going crazy, like maybe i have lost my mind over all this, but i know i am not the only one that feels this way, and that is why i love coming to this site. So please tell me i am not going crazy and that these feelings will someday with time change into happy memories....

It has been one year and 3 months, and i feel worse now than i felt in the beginning of this hell. I think it was because of this last year has literally been a blur to me. I think i really was in shock this whole past year, to where i look back at it, and i cant even remember how I got through all of this. I remember crying and sleeping alot and people constantly being around me and caring for me....but now his death has seemed to literally smack me back to reality, the reality of him no longer being alive, breathing, being with me. Christmas is coming up and the depression and sadness has completely taken control of me. I try to think of all the years of happiness, but it always comes back to the loneliness and despair i feel without him. I have stopped caring about things, and i cant find anything to be happy about. People keep telling me that i cant live in the past, and i tell them, but that's where i want to be...That's where he is, and where we were, and where all my years of happiness are, and all our dreams and plans live. So of course its insanely hard for me to focus on my future, what future??? Because that was with him! I am so sick of people telling me that "in time", "time heals", "give it time", because its not what i want to hear. Time does not heal things to me, it just makes you learn to live with it. I just don't feel positive about anything, especially my future alone without him.

I feel the same way. I have dedicated my life to their son. We loved each other very much and we were so happy. His family always liked me and we always got along, but once he went into the hospital, it was a different animal. It was like they blamed me because CPR did not work, and i could not get his heart started again by myself and by the time the paramedics did, it was to long and he went into a coma. It was my fault because I couldnt save him,and i saw everyone's attitude change instantly! Regardless that we had been together forever, all that went out the window and it was "family" against "wife" Alot of it was the shock and the "heat of the moment" thing, but i find myself getting so angry when i think back at everything. When i see them posting all these things on Facebook and social media about him, never once pertaining to "our" live together, it makes me so furious. Before all this happened we were all so close and now i try to text and call and its just very rushed and non-caring. I guess i just expect people to treat me, the way i treat them, and thats where my thinking is wrong. Because everyone thinks different and what i think is right, they may think completely different. Sometimes people need someone to blame when bad stuff happens to them that they cant understand, and i guess that person was me. I have to live with the guilt they made me feel that first day, forever. I try not to be mad and forgive them, but its so hard !!!

Well, Friday it has been one year, and i can honestly say that I feel worse now. Some stupid part of me thought magically at a year the intense pain i feel everyday would lessen a tiny bit at least... How wrong I was!!! I guess it was just me hoping for a little peace from the pain I feel always. I get so upset thinking that i went a whole year without him, and thats how its going to be from now on, and its just a horrible feeling to want someone SO bad and theyre just gone now. I feel like i am stuck in a hole, and every time i try to climb out, i get pushed back down.

TerriL I am so sorry for your lose. I would not wish our agonizing pain and grief on my worst of enemies. I know exactly how you feel! I will be just laying around on the couch and my eyes with catch the simplest of things... A spot on the carpet where he spilled his Pepsi, that I could never bring myself to remove it completely. And it takes my breath away When i walk in the house the first thing I smell is just him... No matter how much time goes by or how many candles I light, it always smells like him. And it's soooo bittersweet to me cause somedays I just want to erase all my memories just so I don't feel such fierce pain anymore but I can never in a million years even move or get rid of anything he ever touched. It's like living in my own private hell. And when I say "private" it's because what u said is correct... People who said they would be with me through this are gone and no where to be seen. I get a phone call or a text once every other month to see if I'm still alive, but the whole"I'm there every step of the way for you " was gone a month after the funeral. I feel so alone that a constantly "bug" people that he was close with... His sister, his parents, and some of our close friends even though they are dealing with it in their own way. I feel like he was a part of them so if I stay close to them, I stay close to Jonathan, even though he had issues with his family and even I had issues with them during all this mess the truth is NO I'm not any closer to him ... Because even they are trying to move on in their grief the way they seem fit, which is completely different from how I am trying to just survive day by day. My problem is I want everyone to feel like I do about him, about us, about my pain, and the fact is they don't because they're not me. But it's hard when the people you counted on the most go on with their lives, which they should be doing, but I am just stuck in a hole filling up with quick sand and I have no life line it seems except myself and it's hard!

Feeling like I am going backwards in my grief. This coming Friday it will be one year since Jonathan passed away and it is true what they say about grief, that it's like "waves of an ocean" because lately I feel like I have been hit by a tidal wave! I know it's one of the "firsts" that we all have to go through, but lately I have just given up hope that I will ever feel happy again. As each "first" thing or date that passes by,I think to myself OK you got through this, so maybe soon you will feel some peace... Nope!!! It just seems worse by the day. I talk to people and I feel better for that moment, but as soon as I am alone again without him,I sink down and feel like I'm drowning. Grief just sucks! And I miss him so bad and I miss our life together and I miss being happy. i miss the person I use to be, the person I know I can never be again is gone and I miss her. She was so happy and fun to be around . Now she is replaced with a sad, lonely, miserable girl that barely smiles. Its a true saying that when someone you love dies, it's just not that one person that dies, it's two.

TerriL, I am so sorry for your loss as well. Thank you so much for taking the time and lending me some advice. I feel like I am going backwards in all this. We had the best relationship, so to me it just makes all these memories so painful, even though they should be happy. I just want them back so bad that I would do anything but there is nothing I can do. I am just stuck in this... i try to keep busy but my every thought is just him! maybe I will try to meditate like u suggested

TerriL Yes, he was in a coma for exactly a month at that hospital. Everytime I drive by there I get so sick to my stomach

Hello, Maybe some of you can give me some words of wisdom... I feel like I am going backwards with my grief. I am having the worst Anxiety and my depression is at an all time time. This week Aug 7th is my birthday and it is my first birthday without my husband. Also August 15th will be 1 year when he went into hospice and then on August 31th is his birthday. Then on Sept 16 it will be one year since he passed and I sunk so low and am having the worst time dealing knowing that all this dates are approaching. All I do is just cry and reminisce of just last year and even though they're precious memories, they kill me inside... Because I know we will never have that again. I just don't know how to get through this anymore, I feel like there is just no hope for me . I'm im such constant pain and sadness over his loss . I know we all are going through the same thing in some way or another so maybe some advice, anything would help ?

It was 9 months yesterday, and it feels like his death just happened. Like I am stuck in some sort of place where time just stands still. I do not feel anything but sadness and heartache every day and night. Even after 9 months I cannot get over him not being next to me in the bed, its a very lonely feeling. You are with someone for years, you have been sleeping next to them, and then just one day they are gone, and now you have to learn to just be alone by yourself now. Some days I don't even know how I do it...

kayc, I find myself doing it everywhere. People probably look at me and think I'm nuts! Like I want to tell him things and show him things I buy or see I know he would like, and then I forget that he's not there.

Thank you guys so much for sharing you stories with me, I really appreciate it. I am so sorry for all of your losses and I only hope that all of us can find some kind of peace through all this one day...

Thank you all for you caring words. It does help me to talk about it on here. I have been feeling like just giving up lately, the pain is that intense. It was very traumatic for me the whole situation of his passing. It was just him and I in our apt together when he had a severe seizure and he quit breathing. I was never taught CPR so I panicked and called 911 and went and got my neighbor who helped do CPR til the ambulance arrived. They could not get his heart beating again until they were almost at the hospital and when they did, it was to late, he was brain dead. A month later we took him off life support and he lasted two weeks off life support. So I watched him die once in front of me and then be brought back to life only to watch him wither away from no life support. I basically watched all his stages of his death, and I cannot get those images out of my head. I feel very guilty, like maybe if I new CPR, or ran faster to the neighbor he would be alive. There is a constant battle of thoughts going on in my head from the second I wake up until the second I finally fall asleep. My faith has totally been tested over all this, I don't even know where to start with that either. They diagnosed me with PTSD, and gave me a bunch of pills,and sent me to a therapist. But I am finding out all the pills in the world will never heal my thoughts, they just mask them. The therapist helps, but as soon as I leave the office its like I was never there. I find the only thing that helps a little bit is to talk to people that have experienced loss of some kind. Because lets face it we are truly the only ones that can understand each other . I know we are all going through the same kind of agony here, and that's why I came on to ty to get some helpful advice on how to keep dealing with this. I thank you all for listening xo

This Thursday the 16th will be 9 months that my love passed away, and this past week for some reason has been one of the hardest yet. I am not sure why this week is worse than any other horrible days I have endured these past months since his passing, but it feels lately like a tidal wave keeps hitting me over and over again leaving me breathless. I don't even know how to deal with this anymore...

Someone help me with some advice, because after 8months I feel like I am worse now than ever. I feel so lonely and lost without him. My life is going on a very negative path. I have tried therapy, medications, blogging, religion,etc. and nothing is seeming to help. I just don't care about anything anymore, including myself. I have lost my faith over all this, and I find myself getting so angry over his death, I constantly question why me? We were so happy, I was finally happy and now I literally feel like I am in hell. I just don't know what to do anymore,and how to try to move forward with life....