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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Geni

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Close Friend
  • Date of Death
    02/05/2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Fort Collins

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  1. I lost one of my close friends this past February. The story goes that he had a few drinks and he accidentally shot himself in the head, killing him instantly. Although there were people there to witness it, there isn't enough evidence to prove if it was truly an accident or if that was an act he wanted to commit. Starting around October, something was off with him. He seemed to be almost paranoid all the time. Honestly, I thought maybe he was on drugs. So about a week before Halloween, I had a sit down with him and I tried to talk to him to see what was going on. It was hard for him to open up, and when he did, I realized that he was not doing the best. He began to say that he was going through a hard time, and that things weren't feeling so well and he couldn't explain it. The weirdest thing that he told me, and it's even hard for me to believe he said, he said that he felt that death was around the corner. He didn't know if it was coming after him or someone else, but he was scared. I did not know what kind of advice to give to that. We weren't able to keep talking since some of friends there got there to meet up with us. I would contact him once in a while and try to see how we was doing, and of course he would say all was fine and make a joke or two. I then began to get very busy with my new job and harder classes in school, so I wasn't contacting him as much as I should've. The day before he passed, I saw him on campus with some of our other friends. I was about to head out to New Orleans for Mardi Gras week the next day, so they all began to ask me questions and pump me up for my trip. Except him. He was quiet, staring at nothing, with his arms crossed. I knew that something was off. But I didn't ask what was wrong, I kept talking to the other guys. Before I left, I did say goodbye, gave him a hug and he ended it with a kiss on the forehead and a 'I love you' like always. I got the news the next night as I was touring New Orleans. I have never felt a pain and as loss like this. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Not a day goes by that I feel an emptiness and I am reminded that perhaps I could have done more. There is not enough evidence to call it a suicide, but in me I know he did it. I knew him, he knew how to work his gun so well it's hard to believe he shot it accidentally, it just feels like he did it. So if it was a suicide, could we have done more to prevent it? Could I have done more? I should've asked more, talked to him more. Knowing that he wasn't okay, I shouldn't have let it be. I could have at least notified someone else, I could've prayed for him. I can't be around our friends for long, because I don't want them finding out about that conversation I had with him, I don't want them knowing that I knew something was wrong and that perhaps that was a cry for help and I didn't tell anyone. The guilt overwhelms me all the time. It kills me to know that maybe it could have been prevented, but now he's gone and there's nothing I can do about it. It's been 4 months now, and not a day goes by that he doesn't come into my mind. I know it seems like it's only four months, so its probably normal for it to feel this way. But it's overwhelming dealing with not just the loss of a dear friend and adjusting to his absence but also dealing with this sense of guilt. I just want it to stop. I don't know what to do.
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