Dr Lenera

Now this is one thing I've kind of avoided doing. I want to go to 'our' places, it seems a good thing to do, but I just can't face doing it even though it's now over a year. Our favourite places to visit, our favourite restaurants [not that I'd want to eat alone anyway], our favourite pubs, our favourite beaches/parks etc, going to the theatre which she loved doing so much and I can't see myself ever wanting to go again...I've just avoided them. I did go away for a few days last September to a seaside town [I'm in the UK] we fell in love with and where we'd had holidays six times, but I was still in a daze from the death back then. I'm not sure I'd be able to go there now. I'm just so pleased [if that's the right word] that our favourite restaurant/bar near where we lived changed hands a few weeks before she died and had a huge re-fit so it now looks nothing like the place we used to love. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd be able to handle walking past it two or three times a week [which I have to do due to its location]. It's silly really, and almost insulting to my Jo's memory. I want there to be a time when I can visit these places without fear and get some fulfillment out of it. Maybe I'm not doing so well as I thought.....

Beautiful....and despite its sadness, just about as positive as I think it could realistically be.

Coming home is still one of the hardest things isn't it? My wife would always have a cup of tea ready for me when I got home from work as she would finish earlier than me. My days tend to be a little better of late, but no matter how good a day at work or a day out has been, the act of coming home and opening the front door into an empty house is still ever so miserable, so weird, so wrong.

I think you've stated it perfectly. Many people find it hard to deal with folk like us because it reminds them of what is gradually creeping up on them though they try not to think about it. In a way I think it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we do our very best to get on with things and move on and at least pretend to be happy, many people seem to think there's something 'wrong' with that, almost as if it's preferable that we look and act thoroughly miserable every day, and even insulting to the person who's died [I've got that vibe a couple of times from a family member and it nearly brought me to tears]. But on the other hand....if we make little attempt to disguise how we really feel and tell it like it actually is, folk just find it hard to handle or suggest in so many words that we're dwelling unnecessarily on the "past" and the "negative"....as if there's really a positive to it all!

I still wear mine. It just doesn't feel right with it off. I did try going about my day with it removed a couple of weeks ago and it just felt wrong so I put it back on. There's something comforting about wearing it. And at the moment I don't like giving the impression to anyone of the opposite sex that I'm 'single' and therefore 'available'. I'm aware that some people I know think that this is silly but I really couldn't care less about that! I'll may very well take it off one day...or I may not. But for the time being it's staying on.

That's precisely how I've been feeling of late. I feel that I should remember the good times for the rest of my life and have been making a concerted effort to do so out of respect. But whenever I try to do it, sadness just takes over and I have to think of something happy that's unrelated, or go and do something, so my mind clears.

Yep the 'special days' certainly do keep coming. Luckily we got married on her birthday, she suggested it in case I forgot our anniversary [I think she was joking!]. But we also used to celebrate other days many others would probably find ridiculous - the anniversary of the first time we went out together, the anniversary we got engaged, the anniversary we became 'intimate', etc. That's really biting me on the 'ass' now, I sometimes just wish I could forget them but that's never going to happen.

Exactly! I do genuinely feel that people mean well and are at least a bit concerned, but that they just find it hard to deal with how things really are. I've noticed that 'pained' look quite a few times and on those occasions I actually felt guilty for speaking the truth and making people feel ill at ease or even upset....which is ridiculous really!

Same here. It's so hard to say to people how we really feel, especially as most or even all of us tend to alternate 'bad' days with 'not quite so bad' days. I have four people - my mother, my father and my two closest friends -who I feel able to say exactly how I feel whenever they ask, though they sometimes have to get it out of me as I'm not one for talking about things and don't want them to worry too much about me! Everyone else now [two people asked me how I was just today] just gets one of my usual 'semi-positive' type answers e.g. "I'm not too bad all things considered", "I possibly feel ever so slightly better". But obviously I don't want to sound too positive. It's so hard. Sometimes I feel as if I don't want friends or acquaintances to speak to me at all, it'll be so much easier then!

I had a break from here too of five or six weeks but found myself drawn back here. It's weird because I sometimes feel that I don't want to be on this forum....not because people aren't friendly and understanding [the opposite is true, and I do usually find it therapeutic to talk on here and read], but because....I don't know, I find it hard to explain....it kind of feels like there's something wrong with me. Which is kind of true I suppose. I guess I'm not making any sense, I'm just rambling so I'll shut up now lol!!!!!!!

This was devastating to read, and right now I probably only have a slight sense of the pain you must feel. I'm not sure that I could ever truly love again and that's partly because I don't want to go through losing somebody again. I hope one day you find some small measure of comfort in that you did find that love again, even if your time together was horribly brief. My thoughts are with you.

I'm not a praying man as I don't "believe" but I cannot fail to be moved by that post. The night before Jo died I did go to sleep saying to myself "please don't die", though I don't entirely know why as I pretty much knew [partly due to a premonition a few nights before] that it would happen.

Very good poem, I can relate a great deal even though I'm a man, funny [well ,maybe not] thing about the pink - we decided at my Jo's funeral that we didn't want black and that everyone should wear pink, even if it's just a tie - it was her favourite colour and she would have found the sight of us all sporting that colour both funny and wonderful.

Nightwinds: THREE MONTHS?!!!! I could not believe what I've just read. That comment just shows no real understanding or knowledge of how things are. Your response summed it up very eloquently. It's just over a year now for me now and I have been recently been asked twice if I'm feeling a bit better now and when I reply [depending on my mood at the time] "not really" or "maybe a tiny bit, but that's all" the person asking the question seemed very surprised though tried to half-heartedly conceal it. Nobody really has even an idea of what it's like until they experience it themselves. And yes, those final 15 mins or so cannot help but replay in our heads over and over again. I sometimes feel like I've just made a film and consider that the original ending is too sad so I'm thinking of a different, happier one but none of what I come up with seems right for the story I've tried to tell.

Tom PB I can relate to that coming situation you describe...have been in it several times, they exist on a knife edge don't they, they can either be really good and fulfilling, or can go terrribly wrong, especially if someone says something that triggers something else, even unintentionally. Gwenivere same here, I hated doing all the legal stuff, I was also numb during most of it which maye have been a good thing, but as you say it's really upsetting afterwards for ages, even now I stil hate looking at bank statements [thank goodness I paid off the mortgage and now own our house, so that's out the way] and the like, seeing a certain name is missing, is yet more cruel evidence that our love is gone!

I get like that whenever I watch a film my better half would have really liked. We were both avid movie goers and I still am [I was even before I met Jo so that won't change], but it's difficult sometimes. I went to see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean instalment...and I'm sure it was a fun romp as usual...but I just felt upset half the time and couldn't really get 'into' it....she loved the series and was a huge Johnny Depp fan. I'm sure our spouses would want us to carry on enjoying these things...but it's not always easy is it?

Possibly only slightly related...but looking at that picture caused me to think of it....I think there's something about being with nature that's very calming when trying to deal with grief, at least to me personally. I've never been the most 'outdoorsy' person, but of late I've enjoyed going for longer walks,and just being 'out there', listening to the sounds, looking at the water...I can't quite explain it, but I tend to come home feeling very refreshed and even fulfilled.

Seems like we have some stuff in common - my Jo was ill for all of her life from heart and heart-related problems, we were in and out of hospitals often, and she had surgical scars...yet she was always so positive and glad to be alive, especially with each birthday! It was stressful...and yet would I have swapped any of it for being with someone else without all these kinds of issues?....no, not at all. I feel that her inspiring attitude to stuff has been partly transferred to me and gives me strength to overcome those really dark moments. Thankyou for sharing this beautiful post... though you may not believe it, it was actually a great help for me personally to read. And 'full birthday week'...yeah, that sounds familiar to me too!

A lovely and really quite uplifing post. Seems like you spent your first year 'anniversary' [I wish there was a different word we could use!!!] far more productively than mine which was eight days before. I just buried myself in work doing an extra-long shift on the Monday which was the 'day', and spent the Sunday on my own, though kept kind of busy. Maybe next year I'll try to follow your example!

I honestly don't think age makes much of a difference. Three people said to me last June, in so many words, to try to look on the bright side, it could be worse, I'm only 46, I have plenty of years ahead of me and new experiences to have and lots of time to find someone else if I want to. And my response was that I don't want any of those things, and that the other side of the coin is that I have lots and lots of years to get through without Jo. Cookie, I passed my one year anniversary on Monday and I felt pretty poor, though I did that anticipatory thing I often do and went through the 'feeling absolutely horrendous' period a bit before, spanning I guess a week...and then I wasn't quite so bad on the day. I felt very numb, but I can cope with numb reasonably well. So I can relate totally to your post, as to yours scba. The lead-up to these things can be worse than the actual day which I guess we try to be 'ready' for, and prepare ourselves for it the best way that we can....and then sometimes find that it's maybe slightly less bad than we thought. Sending hugs.

It's the balancing act that seems to be one of the hardest things to get right. I think that, of late, I've been what you call the 'bad cop' perhaps too much. Okay, I haven't been doing the kind of jobs you've been doing, but my equivalent is that I've been getting out and about as much as I can, doing stuff, going places, constantly trying to have something to do...and consequently not giving myself time to reflect and, if I need to, even feel upset, and also not giving myself time to do absolutely nothing. And I'm realising that I stll need to have those times and shouldn't try to run away from them. But it's so hard to get right.

Yep, that's definitely more like it. I do feel I've 'plateaud' [is that an actual word, probably not!] a bit the last few months aside from my nasty dip a few weeks ago

You know what, I didnt know that, so thanks for informing me! It really has been misapplied hasn't it?

I don’t really know what I’m going to write here, I wouldn’t even dignify my ramblings with Marge’s lovely term ‘word salad’, and it’ll no doubt be a really long post so I don’t expect everyone to wade their way through it! But I do feel a need to express my thoughts, and at least folk here can relate, and I’m doing it today rather than tomorrow as I aim to spend tomorrow at work doing a 12 hour shift so I get home exhausted and stand more chance of going to sleep! I guess loneliness is the biggest issue at the moment, the two people who have been most supportive aren’t really around at the moment. I fell out with my mother over a separate issue – without going into too much detail, she keeps borrowing money which she probably wouldn’t need if my schizophrenic and often violent half brother wasn’t living with her, I got sick of it and we haven’t spoken for two months even though she lives virtually around the corner. And my best friend….he’s having severe problems in his marriage so he’s had to concentrate on that and I completely understand. I do chat to my father once or twice a week, but he tends to go over the top with worrying about me and I often end up more miserable after we’ve been chatting! And as for other people, I don’t like to bother them with my stuff anyway. I was going through a phase of contributing to this forum quite a bit but it tailed off the last couple of weeks, that was because I went through a really bad phase and almost shut off communication in any way shape or form. I had an inkling several times last year that the reality of the situation hadn’t truly sunk in yet and may do so at some time in the future. Well it did so the week before last and I couldn’t even go to work which is normally the best thing for me to do, I just sat there at home watching films and TV. Though not suicidal, I did wish that I would die of a broken heart. But you know what?....there were times where I could actually feel Jo’s ghost trying to take over me and lift me up. That probably sounds weird to some I know. But eventually it did pick me up, and oddly I’m not too bad right now. Maybe I’ve now done the majority of my ‘one year anniversary’ grieving?....much like the days leading up to her death when I pretty much knew what was going to happen and kept doing odd things like almost fainting. The silly thing is, I did feel I was getting a little better. The ‘five stages of grief’ thing did apply a bit during the first few months, though these ‘stages’ were all jumbled up. Then I was left with a combination of pain, numbness and loneliness, but because it pretty much remained the same, I was getting used to it, and even starting to accept. I was getting back into some of my old hobbies like music festivals, and I even begun to play the piano again. This was a big deal for me because I used to play a lot and music was very important in our lives, but ever since Jo died ‘something’ prevented me from playing, I’d just sit there like an idiot and often cry. Maybe it’s because playing the piano was very important to us, and I actually wrote her music on a few occasions, and the last time I’d played was when I recorded a piece of music I wrote to be played back during the funeral….something I don’t remember doing so, I must have been in such a daze! But of late I’ve found myself able to play again. And so I guess now that this terrible brief phase seems to be easing off, I can continue in the direction I was previously going in, something I guess I’d call ‘Healing Extremely Gradually’. I honestly don’t think the grief will ever really go away, but there will probably be more and more ways of dealing with it, and it will get easier to accept. And Jo’s fighting spirit, that kept on being so constantly positive [“I know there’s many people worse off than me” she’d always say] despite she being ill all her life and knowing from a very early age that she wouldn’t make it into old age [though she was told 30 years and she reached 39], will always be inside me. Her wonderful grin that she had every time she woke up and knew she’d reached another birthday. Her unconditional love that was written all over her face every moment, and which finally gave me a purpose….to try the very best to make every day she spends on this earth the very best. And now, I guess I still have a purpose….to try to live the way she did, and the way she’d want me to. It won’t always be easy, but I’ll reckon I’ll manage….kind of….just about. Thanks Jo….for choosing me, and for having existed, and for everything else. Again, apologies for the ramblings….it’s just that you lot understand!!!! Actually my post wasn't that long was it?!

Terribly sorry to read of your situation, please try to do your very best to take care of yourself in this horrendous time that you're going through. I'm not a praying person but I hope with all my heart that your situation improves and you can return to this forum which has clearly helped you considerably. Sending hugs.