Chubeka

May God bless you all. I really appreciate your words, so comforting and making me feel a whole lot better that I at least have people relating to what I am going through. I truly appreciate it all. I appreciate this forum. I will keep on posting. May you all heal from your losses.

"It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever." Each morning I wake up and wish for just a touch of your hand, that would be enough... 02 May 2016, my life changed forever. It was around 8 pm when I received a call from Alpha's brother telling me that he had passed away in a car accident driving from home back to his city of work. My initial response was "No! it can not be! I was talking to him that morning and he was telling me he was washing his car, preparing to drive to Durban", then I dropped the phone quickly thinking maybe it was a prank. I went to check his 'last seen' on whatsapp and found it was earlier in the day so I texted him and asked where he is and if he is safe. I anticipated his response but it never came... That moment I knew, he was really gone. The next few days, I sobbed and never got any sleep because I was failing to imagine what it would be like living without him. I met Alpha in 2009 at the age of 18. His brother is a very close friend of mine and we were in high school together, he hooked us up. At the time I felt I was too young and he also had a lot of emotional baggage he needed to deal with. Then we became friends but always had feeling for each other. He still pursued me and only in 2014 we decided to give it a try. I was loved, he was my everything, everything I ever wanted in a man. Kind, patient, caring, giving, selfless, dedicated, hard working, smart, prayerful, loving and just everything beautiful. He went to the moon and back for me. He gave me the kind of love and respect I was longing for. He was saving up to pay Lobola (dowry) for me in December 2016. We shared dreams, plans and the future. I cry about everything that concerns him. I cry at the mention of his name. I cry at how I never got to tell you just how much you mean to me. I have so many regrets, so many what ifs; its driving me crazy. Its like you left me in a room of emptiness where this feeling of darkness is just weighing heavy on my heart. At times I sit ad wish he took me with to the grave. I wish he never left me, because he was my life and now I have nothing to live for. I don't wanna work, I don't wanna see people, I just want you back and tell me we can still get married. You are everything and without you I am truly nothing at all. Thank you for reading this.