marionette

I know, I know he is doing it because he wishes it was him with me - but it frustrates me that he isn't choosing to do that. He's so insecure...he invents things in his mind.

In this case he always had the slight element here of not being great at intimacy and thinking I was too good for him. He is definitely someone who is not great at vulnerability.

I am sorry about your husband Interesting that my boyfriend on this thread is also Aspergers.

It's difficult to explain anything in a few written paragraphs on a forum - but yes - he made me feel all of those things. I've dated a lot...I am nearly 40...and had always happy, healthy relationships so I am not seeking anything less than that - but he is / was special. The defensive version of him is pretty horrible, at times, but not all the time. He has a lot of good qualities, we have a lot of good things. We laugh a lot, we love talking about the same things, he's an incredible father, he's very tender and emotional and gentle, he always wants to know about my day / my life / my problems and he makes me feel very safe, very loved SOMETIMES. when he pushes me away I feel none of those things. He's not some bad person, although the post may have come across that way. He's silly and funny and gentle and humble and puts everyone else first generally speaking and he takes his days off and goes and buys gifts for sick kids and delivers them to the hospital. He is that sort of a person. One of life's really lovely human beings. So that is something I want to be around. The crazy jealous / pushing away -I don't like - but this was not the man I was with before.

I think my case is a bit different as we were only recently dating when this happened. I haven't got anything "to lose" so to speak in terms of my history with this man -so greatest sympathy to those experiencing this in long term relationships. But we did connect, we were happy, we have a (rare) shot at something here and it's a shame that he is being so self destructive. Yes, there is a stigma around therapy...it;s a big shame he hasn't gone. He says he has "lost himself" and clearly it;s not an easy thing for ANYONE to process.

I guess that's actually very true. I never knew what was happening, so it was hard to decide. The first 1.5 months, he was a gem to me. I mean, despite the circumstances he was so considerate to me, literally kept reassuring me that the situation had not changed how he felt and how much I meant to him. Then the funeral came, the pushing away began and I genuinely thought it would go on for a week or two and then re-stabilise and if I sent him a message he would always reply something like, "oh I was thinking of you all day" or "I heard this song that reminded me of you". So it was hard to tell what he wanted and I didn't want to ask. It took me two further months to actually ask, I didn't want to pressure him, and his reaction was a big, fat "NO", I do not want to lose you but that was another two months ago and I still haven't seen him. Sometimes he talks to me constantly, sometimes goes totally quiet. He's opened up more lately which led me to hope, but when it comes down to the brass tacks of real intimacy - he acts like I am trying to attack him if I get too close. He's so defensive! Then he is just so sad if I go away. It's a very, very hard position for me to be in. The general attitude I have is "I am so lost, I am no good for anyone, you are too good for me, you will only leave me / die if I let you closer" etc. etc. and it's really negative / depressed and unrealistic. At the same time though it is also "you are so beautiful, so perfect, I miss you, you're the only thing that makes me happy, I really want us to have a future together". Completely reversed messaged and a refusal to budget and 6 months is a long time. When he doesn't talk to me, it's always because he is jealous over a male friend / feels he is going to lose me and it's crazy making behavior. You're right -maybe setting a time period of no contact makes sense. Ask him to leave me alone for three months. It will break my heart but I feel like he is being so selfish in his grief that he's blind to how painful this is for me.

It is very selfish. He wants me to go out and have fun, but he is obsessed with the idea that I am going to be with someone else, although seeing as he's refused to see me for months - that feels incredibly selfish too. I don't feel like I can win. I am just tired. the silent treatment is the worst for me. Would rather he argued or told me he was depressed or cried or whatever else than the silent treatment.

When my fiance died, I didn't push people away. If anything I clung to people / anyone to try and fill the void and didn't want to be alone. I just wanted people to be in the house with me so I could sleep. I will read some of the messages here and see if I can draw some wisdom from them. You are quite right. He hates vulnerability. I want to make it work, I want to fight for it because it's been a long time since I loved someone and felt potential to be happy. Hard to walk away from, and also don;t think he even wants me to do that. The situation really as it stands is that he keeps me at arms length. He came closer briefly, for a few weeks started to talk to me every day again for hours and open up, but when I pressured him to see me /spend actual time with me - he pushed me away. He starts arguments by doing something he knows will anger me - like cancelling a date when I have a babysitter. It's sabotage behaviour. If I try and walk away he gets very sad. He is also insanely jealous. He is constantly messaging me at night demanding to know where I am / who I am with and getting very jealous or upset if I am out, which is exhausting because I am completely loyal to him although he will not see me. Very occasionally he has admitted reality. His last message to me was this: "I don't want you to let me go or for you to go away. I like you a lot. I miss you if we don't speak and whatever I do you always remain in my head. I think about you a lot and I think we have a rare connection and I know I could love you. But people I love tend to disappear and this is a fact. You know me better than most people, very few people know me properly and you know the real me and it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like how it feels. I feel like I will mess it up. It feels safer to keep you at a distance because I am worried I won't live up to what you want" It is this sort of thing. He has not had counselling, maybe he will. He is losing a lot of weight and has been drinking. The worst of it is the silent treatment. He will literally ignore me for 2 - 3 weeks. I can text him and he will completely ignore the messages. Every time I feel like he is never going to speak to me again. He has done this three times now That entire time I am wrestling with thinking he doesn't care about me AT ALL and when he comes back he seems so relieved he hasn't lost me, determined to "come good" and then he does it again.

Thank you for replying Kayc. I really appreciate it. do you still love your fiance? do you know why he turned away from you? I am sorry. I lost my fiance a few years ago (passed away) so I have known losses of my own and it's very hard - but should imagine pretty awful to feel like they had a choice.

Can anyone perhaps listen and talk with me, as I am feeling confused and finding it hard to sleep / think straight because my head is so jumbled from this situation. It's a strange situation and I have been trying very hard to "do the right thing" and "be understanding", but I feel very lost. I usually have pretty good dating boundaries, but the circumstances of this have definitely caused a situation where I have become trapped in a situation I do not want to be in. The first 6 weeks were okay, then after the funeral, he just changed and started behaving very differently. Avoiding seeing me. Making plans and "something" coming up to make it not happen. Texting rather than calling. C I am truly emotionally exhausted. The rejection seems to be so constant, but littered with his declarations of love, of how great I am, of how much he does not want to lose me and it is just enough to stop me walking away but so little that I feel alone. Can anyone tell me if any of this behavior he is doing is normal after a traumatic bureavement? Or if you feel he is just playing with me and this is a red herring?