My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack in February. I happened to be home visiting and was there the night he died. He was not only my father but a great friend, he used to make me howl with laughter. The last conversation I had with him, the night before he died, I asked if he wanted me to pick him up a burrito (after already re-heating leftovers for him) and he said he was much too full to eat any more food, but that he loved me and was so proud of me. He died in his sleep that night. Quietly and without a fuss, it was just the way he wanted, but I still can't believe the physical and emotional pain I have endured. I've lost 30 pounds since he died, have had awful anxiety and depression, and couldn't eat anything for the first couple months. I'm seeing a therapist, and am close with my siblings and mother, but the loss is so palpable, it makes it hard to breathe. I had a vivid dream of him last night and woke up feeling awful. Tomorrow is his birthday. My sister wants to get a cake for him but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like the idea of getting Mexican food and margaritas (his absolute favorite), but am having such a hard even thinking about celebrating in any way. As I type this I am sobbing in my office, feverishly wiping my eyes and nose so that nobody sees me crying. I'm only 31 and he was 71 when he died. All my friends are losing grandparents and having kids and I am just stuck in this grief. I used to want to start my family soon but my grief is so strong I know I'm not ready. I've been dreading his birthday since he died and I just don't know how to keep going. Thank you for listening to me. <3
