Brianna

Update: I've had two appointments with the new Dr & I like him, I think we will be a good fit.

Update:: Called & I have an appointment with a new counselor, they have multiple people in this practice that accept my INS so hopefully I can find one of them that will work for me. Thanks Y'all for all of your kind words & support it is so greatly appreciated.

@rdownes, Thank you, I look forward to a day when its not so hard to smile. When it doesn't feel like I am smiling thru broken glass & having acid poured on my insides... the pain it just so intense when I am forced to fake it. I looked up another counselor & I will be calling tomorrow to try to get an appointment but then I have to go thru everything again... ::sarcastic:: woohoo ::eye roll:: I just can't believe this is my life. I just got the police report back with pictures & its killing me... I thought it would give me closure, I sure was wrong. It just opened a new can of s*** & dumped it on the pile. Added to my night terrors, thankfully I can't remember much thanks to my meds but I am covered in bruises & so sore. I just want a break, some peace somewhere & I can't find it.

@MartyT, Thank you & thank you for the links. I spent a few days on the blog from the last link you sent me. I really got a lot out of it, till the thoughts of what my friend said about me obsessing started to bother me, & that set me back a lot. It's either read or lay here & look at the wall. I try to color, journal or craft but it's short lived.. I try to watch movies but my attention span is too short. Even reading sometimes gets hard & I have to reread it over & over but atleast I feel some comfort or understanding afterwards. I'm so sick of the people in my life cuz when I am sad they just want me to snap out of it & enjoy the day it's like I'd rather be skinned alive right now then be fake another moment...

I was seeing a counselor, but at the end of our last session she told me they were closing with no notice, so now I have no counselor. nobody to talk to, I go to Grief Share but I don't feel like it helps at all. If he would have died naturally or of an accident it would help but suicide. I just feel like I am once again on the outside. The women are nice but I dunno it's probably just me & my own guilt & my own grief wanting to isolate me in another way. Everyone I know doesn't understand me anymore, they think I choose to be this way. But for me I wake up wanting to have a good day but the bad feelings are like a fog creeping in & eventually overtake me. I'm at a loss for what else to do. I've found a few things I enjoy eating & even 2 I don't mind making. I live on Monster to keep me awake because the medicine my DR put me on keeps me so sedated. I try & try but nothing feels good enough, when I'm acting I feel like I am dying inside but that's the only time people are "happy/proud' of me. Thanks for listening.... any imput would be greatly appreciated because I don't think I can continue this way.

I feel the same way, I can't keep up or remember or anything. Everyone says take care of yourself.... what does that mean exactly? when everything around you is crumbling. All I want to do is sleep & pee when I have to. I can barely remember to eat or drink. I've set alarms in my phone for these things... I can really relate to what you are saying... :hugs:

Thank you Kayc, I'm starting to realize that the people that I thought would be there for me aren't capable & the ones that didn't even think would have been more supportive than I ever dreamed they would be. Between his parents & my friends it's just so hard. It feels like everyday I'm climbing a mountain that I can never seem conquer. I'm so depressed even with the meds my Doctor put me on & I try to start my day positive but I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, I can never escape it. If I'm not crying I am still so sad & I'm sick of trying to mask it for others benefit.

Thanks ya'll, it made me start to question myself. I haven't been able to stop crying. I don't understand some of the things people say & do... I'm trying so hard but I feel like nothing I do is enough...

Thanks ya'll I feel like things should be getting better & those around me keep pushing & pushing me to do things & I just can't. I try so hard but I feel like a failure most days... I just can't seem to get it together. I had someone tell me today that because I am still going to Grief Share that I am obsessing. I'm so floored. I just don't even know how to respond. Like I am doing my best, what else can I do? Thank you Marty for the links they are very helpful ::hugs::

So lately I have been so scatterbrained. I can't find things. I put things in places I normally wouldn't & I forget to do the most simple things. Like last night, I went to dinner with some friends & I forgot to pay my tab!! Like what?! I am not that person! Thankfully my friend picked it up for me & I can pay him back later but I can't believe I did that!! Or like I went to Grief Share & forgot my book... what was I thinking? Where is my brain? Anybody else going through this? I feel like everything is overwhelming. Its just life, the most simplist of things can be overwhelming. A day that has more than a few things in it can overwhelm me... why can't I function?!

Thank you KayC :: hugs :: its just so hard when you start questioning you begin to question everything. I'm trying not to get in my head too much & just accept things for what they were. He was sick & there was nothing I could do or say to make him better, no amount of love couldve helped but I gave him good years & happiness so that means so much in the grand scheme of things I guess... Yea Marita it is, sometimes it feels like the elephant in the room is sitting on your chest & you have to remind yourself to breathe... I'm trying to take extra steps today to be more mindful & try to have a better day. I hope you do too :: hugs ::

Thank you for sharing that with me Robin & I hope I can get there too, I try to watch TV but someone suggested I watch Grey's Anatomy & I do nothing but cry while I watch it & now I'm so sucked in how can I stop? So every once in a while I sneak in a comedy but it doesn't make me laugh, I hope I can one day because I love my TV & Movies & I spend so much time looking at our photos & listening to our music & crying & talking to him/screaming at him that it would be nice to have a real break from all the emotions alone & just laugh.

Patty, I've had to do the same thing. I feel like every sentence starts off with is name or is about him so I just shut my mouth & then get secretly obsessive about the silence. That's why I find myself isolating because then I feel guilt about that too... Robin, Thank you your support means a lot to me you're always here. Why can't there be this magic anything we can do every once in a while just to get a little relief. I feel the body can only handle so much... I am so sorry Father's Day must've been hard, My SO wasn't a father but I felt pain for his father & missed out with my own in my grief. I have also told everyone no on the holidays but I don't think they believe me. The holidays are my favorite time of year but we just got so many things together, I can't look at them or unpack them yet. Just thinking of them makes bile rise, it kills me. Like you said I'll just wait & see... I can spin it into a positive & do it to honor him... I dunno...

Wow Marty that was amazing... I look forward to sharing that with my group. Thank you, I needed that so much ::sigh:: I didn't realize I was already doing some of those, thank you for giving me things to look forward to & work on. Thank you so much for the support, your wisdom is always so comforting. Mitch, I feel the same way... Its so hard. I miss him so m u c h... Everything reminds me of him & I think people are sick of hearing me whine about it but I don't know what else to do... I have moments of clarity sometimes where I have a better perspectives on things, followed by a swift kick in the pants that brings me right to my knees. Praying for God to please help me, comfort my pain. My birthday is coming up & I could careless, I wish it would just go away. My Mom is talking about the holidays & it makes me sick to think about them but I never know when it could be her last. Everything is so overwhelming.

It's been days now & I'm still in this negative space & I hate it!! I keep trying to start my days off on a positive note & then BAM like a thunderstorm it all comes raining down. I can't stand it! All the lies, all the hurt, the pain, the hopelessness, the loneliness... I just want to have one good day, one day where I can belly laugh without pangs of guilt & sorrow for laughing & being momentarily happy & thinking about the world of crap that is now my life. I don't want to think I love him but... anymore. I love him so much but was everything a lie? How can this happen? Why....? I don't know how much more I can handle. How can God keep putting so much on my shoulders? I'm on my knees begging for relief, I can't... I can't take anymore... this is too much... I need some support, I can't handle all this on my own. I keep trying to be strong but its just too much. I pray & scream & cry & do my grief workbook & go to therapy & group but nothing helps.... what else can I do?