Lost in Grief

Beautiful photo, lovely tribute. Happy anniversary. It is difficult.

Rdownes, so sad to hear, but don't be so sure that their pop pop will not be remembered--love is rarely forgotten--and it sounds like he gave much love to his grandies. I was only four when my grandpa died and I did not forget him and never will. He influenced my life and the direction it took. He is often on my mind even now. I am deeply saddened that my dear love died shortly after we became grandparents for the first time. He lived only two months after her first birthday. I worried that she would soon forget such a wonderful man who was so proud of his grand-daughter and they had such a loving relationship. She is going to have her second birthday this month, 29th of October. She talks about him. She points him out in photos. She calls him Grandpa, but he never lived to hear her say that--it breaks my heart. Like others have said, it is also up to us to keep that memory alive. I never met my oldest sister, she died several years before I was born. But her photo was always hanging in our living-room wall. I looked at her everyday, she became part of my life. When I was younger than her, she was my hero, then a time came when we were the same age and she became my closest friend, I felt she was with me. All my other siblings were much older than me so even though she was the first born and older than all of us, I felt that she was my closest sister. I loved her. Then eventually I became older than her (she always remained the same age--ten) then I became her keeper. I still have her photo in my sewing room. I have hope that my one and only grand-daughter up to now, will also remember her grandpa in some way. Photos can give a deep impression. Hugs to you and your grand kids.

Marie Lee, I am glad I made you laugh. The condition we are in we really do need some laughs. I am the same as you, I always remember the original place but not the new "better" place. I see that both you and I are new here. It is a good place to land. Everyone understands what each of us is going through. Good to hear from you and I/we are with you in your journey, as others have said to me we are not so alone when we come here. It feels good to be able to say what our feelings are, knowing that there is always someone here who understands. Welcome, and I hope you also will find this place safe and understanding. Hugs to you as well

How true! I have lost interest in so many things. Things that brought joy to me, no longer do. Life itself seems meaningless, sure I do things that need to be done but I do not derive any pleasure from that, except I am glad I managed to do them. I have learned a lot that I didn't know before because I had to, so I am thankful for that. But nothing can stop me from missing my love. It is so permanent and I find it hard to accept that. I just want him back period.

Today sure was a different day from yesterday! Good News, yes WolfsKat and Relief, for sure Kayc! It didn't even occur to me look there when I searched everywhere, but I see now why I forgot. I knew at the time I put them there I would eventually find them even if I forgot. So my mind didn't even bother to remember. The mind has to be conservative as to how much to store there I think. That is so interesting about your son's puffy coat, similar things have happened to me--makes me wonder why we can be so blind at times. But I think anxiety may have something to do with it. When we are worried and anxious, in a hurry or upset things look different.

Dear rdownes, I just joined this group yesterday and have only now learned of the loss of your loving Kevin. I can not add much more to what all others have said. I wish I could take away your pain. Just know we all love you, your consoling comments to me helped me. Your goodness has not changed. We are all with you as you are with us.

Hi all you good people! I was searching all morning again today for the notes and found other important stuff. I prayed for the Lord to please clear my mind and give me calmness so that I could find my husband's notes. I was standing in the dining room at that point. I turned my head and couldn't stop staring at a red folder that I keep all the monthly expenses in. I felt a need to look there---voila! That is where I put them! So some Good News for today! I hope your day will have some goodness in it today as well.

So true, Gwenivere, I have searched for my cell phone too, just to find that it was on me all the time. I think it is because we have so many things on our mind now, things that our spouse had the responsibility for before. Now, it is not only our own things that we have to do but so many other things that we did not have to deal before. There is something new that happens almost daily. I had to make rules for myself at some point--to make sure I look after myself first--and not to work long hours just to get things done. Any business things are done between 9 and 5 period. I am retired so it is always a temptation to work and work including week-ends. Now I reserve the week-ends only to myself. Anything else that needs to be done is Monday to Friday 9 to 5. All books that I have read on grief say that one has to take time to grieve also, if not, it catches up later with a stronger force. It is hard work to grieve but it has to be done. At least I can cry now, which gives some relief, in the first few weeks after the loss I was frozen, numb, I couldn't even cry. If it wasn't for my sons and daughter who looked after the funeral and all that goes with it, I would not have a clue what to do.

Thanks iPraiseHim, I did also pray to help me find it or direct me to it--it seemed a bit silly in a way--but the truth is I have felt God so much in my life since this death and I really do feel I am being protected some how. While looking, I have found other things that I wasn't looking for and some that I didn't even know existed or were in the places I looked. That makes me think that perhaps this happened for a reason and that something even more important has to be found that I am not even aware of. I am so glad that there are Christians on this board. I have been on some boards that did not even allow any kind of talk of God or the Bible. I really do not know all the rules here though. Thanks for your kind words.

Thank you so much Brad! I almost clicked on "report post" and it was my own post, I thought that is something one should do. I am so glad I asked first before doing that. Thank you also for informing me on how to post photos and what "reputation" means, I guess something like "like" on FB. I am glad you found your reservation ticket after all that time. I've had other "where is it" moments and often found it right in front of me, as if I was blind to it. But this one---all I remember was thinking, "that should be a good place since it is with his other things." Well, it just so happens the whole house has "his other things." I was so sure that I put it as part of his shrine in a special corner with photos and other memorabilia, but I looked there several times. I do hope it will not be too long before I find it--because it is going to be like a dagger in my back otherwise. Thanks again for your encouragement and help Brad.

What does "reporting" your post mean?

Thank you for your help: brat#2, MartyT and Gwenivere. I seem to have missed some of your comments. What is "reputation" comments? I am still learning to find my way around here, please pardon me it I get something wrong. This is all new to me. Seems like there is a way to post photos and "Quotes". I would appreciate if someone explains those to me. Today is a bad day for me. Physically I seem to be fine. I did a lot of outside work yesterday, even stuff my husband use to do--clean eves of leaves for an example which require a ladder. But some how I managed. However, I am upset today because I put the "love notes" my husband wrote to me in a more "safer place" and now can not remember where that is. I looked everywhere that I supposed they may be. I want to scan them and save them in my computer and back it up. But I kept putting it off because I would get too emotional about it and thought that it would be best to do it in the coming November since that is when he wrote them before his death in January of this year. I am so afraid my mind might be going even though I have surprised even myself of all the legal stuff and paper work that I had to go through and used apps I didn't know before etc. Maybe my mind is just working overtime and can't handle things when they get to be too many. I have always said to hubby that an accountant is something I never want to be. But that is what I am now whether I like it or not. Maybe it is finally getting to me. All I know I have been bawling my head off today almost none stop. Seems I found you wonderful and understanding people just in the knick of time! Thank you for being here for me and for us all.

Hi Polly, thank you for responding. I am sorry to hear of your loss. But happy that you have your daughter with you, she would be feeling sad to have lost her Dad, so it is good you are there for her. I am like you, I also liked my alone time, but this kind of alone is not the same. Hi enna, so nice to read your comforting thoughts. I am having a wonderful time tonight with all of you! So, although I am alone here I don't feel alone with all of your wonderful thoughts, feelings and suggestions. You give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it is hard to visualize that now. Thank you again, and greetings and hugs to all of you.

Thank you, Katpilot for your kind words. I hope I also will find it easier as time goes by. And there are certainly many here who understand and that in itself makes me realize that I am not alone. I am looking forward to getting to know each and everyone of you. Thank you, rdownes for being understanding to my situation. Yes, even being around people one can feel so alone, because few people can understand unless they also have lost someone. I pray a lot too, sometimes all day as I go about doing something and trying not to break down. Hi Gin, and thank you for sharing your ways of keeping busy with groups, clubs etc to fill your time with worthwhile things, and not feel alone. I mainly go to grief or cancer groups once or twice a month, I hope to find some more interesting things to do in time. I know how hard it is to get used to coming home and not having anyone to say hello to. I still talk to my love anyway but it would be much nicer if he would answer. Thank you Brad for encouraging me. I also thought that I was okay to be alone, we didn't even have too many friends, my husband and I felt so good just being together we didn't miss having others around. But now I miss him so much. And being alone is always a reminder that he is not here. I use to enjoy projects of various kinds--but I need to be happy and relaxed to think and design and plan, but I cannot concentrate for too long any more, it tires me out. I hope that will return to me some day. I also have read books on grief and yes I do find them comforting. Thank you for welcoming me to this group. Thank you WolfsKat for making me feel okay. I am also sorry to hear of your loss. It is true that solitude is good and I too enjoyed that, I never considered myself as a very social person and liked to do things on my own. But now it is different, there is no one to give me a hug now and then or ask for one. Just knowing he was with me in house was a comfort. I hope things do get better both for you and for myself in time. Thank you, kayc, for your thoughts. I see you have found many things to keep you busy and happy. I find my family is my anchor and keep me from going insane. I am so thankful for my two sons, a daughter her husband and now I have a little grand-daughter that brings me so much joy. As long as I am with them I am okay but then the time comes when I am back home alone. Now that I have found this group I will not feel so alone when I am alone--I will have all of you to talk with. Thank you, iPraiseHim, for your thoughts and especially how you deal with the loss and finding yourself alone. I talk to my hubby all the time too it helps to keep a connection. When I feel weepy and lonesome it is a comfort to share with him how I feel and how much I love him. Sharing our experiences here is very helpful too. I am trying very hard to accept my situation and try to deal with it mindfully, sometimes I even feel that I am progressing, but then suddenly I feel sad and broken again. It is like a roller coaster ride. Thank you all again, for your encouraging and helpful comments and suggestions. My wish is for all of you to find ways and means to deal with your loss and find some comfort and relief at least sometimes.

Wow!! Thank you everyone for responding! I just joined and certainly did not expect such a huge response. As I said, I find it so difficult to live alone, however I found that the one thing that I still enjoy is doing yard work and even weeding. So I was outside today all day, it was a sunny day, if I have something to do it is much easier to cope. When it started to get dark I came inside, had something to eat and then came here to check my mail---and wow! Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I will try to answer each and every one of you. What a wonderful thing to come to a place and find everyone understands what I am going through. I don't like to burden anyone with my problems, but here is a place I feel I can talk about how I feel without worrying if I am upsetting someone or even boring someone. Thank you for being so kind and helpful.